In the early 1990's I saw a splash of white in my weed filled pasture and realized it was a peony blooming where I'd once had a garden. I worked my way through the high grass and sure enough, it was a white peony bloom, creamy gold at the center with streaks of magenta in the heart. I've loved the fragrance since I was very young, so I bent automatically to breathe in the scent. My face was close to the flower but suddenly I sprang back, nearly loosing my balance, trembling as though I had been frightened. What caused me to be frightened, was not visible. I could not see anything, yet something had obviously frightened me. A few minutes passed and then I saw something move, just barely visible because it was colored exactly like the flower. It was a spider, it's creamy white pearl shaped body had two magenta parenthesis marks on its' back! And it had fragile golden legs identical to the color at the heart of the flower! I had never seen a spider like this one.
A thought emerged while I considered this unusual situation: "Because it was embedded in something so much like itself, the thing was invisible until it began to move." The words of that strange thought emerged in my mind then lingered and produced an impulse to take a picture. I went to get a camera, thinking it would make a nice picture. I had to wait for some time because the spider remained on the back side. But eventually it came to the top and worked it's way over the petals so I got my picture. But when I had the pictures developed it was possible to identify the presence of the spider only because of the two magenta parenthesis on it's back.
Then something happened in my mind, it was visible in peculiar way! The words of thought that had been generated by this experience, "Because it was embedded in something so much like itself, the thing was invisible until it began to move." gradually wafted from that context into a different context and the words also seemed spoken to me. They were re-used! A different context was created. but why? What caused the new context in my mind? As I asked these questions, an answer came, barely there, a fragrance of words.
The words described to me a situation I had barely begun to suspect: that 'thought' of a certain kind that emerged as I went about my job was embedded in other thought, yet it was quite different thought content, from another level in my own mind. It was embedded, it had been invisible itself, until it had begun to move, (to scroll through my mind at first. I'd have to write a lot about how that began then how other new to me content emerged in my mind. It all began after a vivid dream late in 1981, but other changes happened that I'd have to write about, they were real life events that somehow blended with my unspoken thoughts! )
The thing that I was trying to understand was using, or re-using my life content to talk to m, to explain what was causing me to act on impulses that seemed ridiculous to me, at the time. Such as going to McLendons' hardware store to buy 18 inches of heavy 4 cabled rope, bound at one end, which I frayed until the cables were no longer separate, then I laid the rope on a bed of white alyssym in my yard and took a picture. A few years later I read the picture and understood what was there to read: at the frayed end each thread lead upwards to the form of 4 cables (and much more) and the flowers name is heaven scent.
It was only recently that I remembered, or (was caused to remember), something that had happened, two events actually: The first was that shortly after I got my first real computer (1987) somehow the type on my monitor vanished. I could see the pointer move along the line but there was no black type. I was not able to get help until one person asked if I'd changed the color of my font to white, the type was there but it was white on white! He'd had that happen and tech savvy people were hard to find then. The second part of the same event was when I got an email from a woman who was interested in synchronicity who was encouraging me to write about my experiences. The last line of t her email was apparently a 'slip of tongue' kind of mistake: "I will help you keep between the white lines." I have the email but I remember reading what she intended to write before I noticed the 'error'. My white font on white paper aligned in my mind with the strange slip from a person who didn't know about my computer problem but she wrote as though she did know.
These memories were retrieved as some kind of evidence to me, that this level of thought is not self generated thought, nor is it willed by me yet the peony and spider event was created to be 'used'. Better to say, re-used. The words were literally re-generated, a new context emerged, and the re-used content was somehow heard the way a person would be heard. It was such a change, words cannot describe how different it was to me. It was new to me then, it was so new to me that it made me literally dizzy when it began to happen occasionally, then constantly between 1981 and 1989. At midpoint, 1984 this new kind of mindset had replaced my normal mindset but I'd begun to know what had produced the new way of seeing/ hearing/experiencing my body. It produced second sight, literally.
By 1986 I'd begun to read books about quantum physics. I'd worked for Boeing since 2-11-85 where I had so many problems in my life to cope with, as well as struggling to do the job assigned to me, my body was a painful shell around me doing things I didn't intend, and I had read Carl Sagans' Contact.
Contact is about a message that was a palimpsest, from extra terrestrials. After having read that book, my body and mind were objects to look at, not in a visible way, but I observed 'me' in that new form. I was audience and actor in an emerging drama. I believe I was also a recorder of what I lived through.
I had been watching/listening to this particular thought for almost a decade by the time this happened. The words generated by the flower began in one context but a shift occurred that fitted the thought words into a conversation that had been constructed, had been built up in fragments that assembled automatically from a long flow of such events as this one.