The string began with my love of classical music from a very young age when the only place I heard it was background music in cartoons and movies. One radio in our house was a luxury (1940 when I was about 8-9 years old) and I rarely could choose what to listen to. I loved the Saturday Metropolitan Opera broadcasts and always wanted to hear them. A radio program of classical music, The Railroad Hour that ended at 8:00 when I was supposed to be at school, often caused me to be tardy. Everyone but me in the family had the same opinion of opera and classical music: "What sane person can stand that racket?"; "Turn off that noise. It's driving me crazy."; "If you have to listen to that screeching and caterwauling, turn it down so low that I can't hear it."
For that reason it was necessary for me to put my ear up close to the speaker when my parents were at home. (When they were absent I ruled, because I was the oldest.) Because the music came from Chicago, 170 miles away, it was often embedded in static but I listened through the static, straining to pick out the music from the noise in which it was embedded. It was not unusual to have to put my ear to the speaker to just get wisps of the music through the static.
In the family that I was born into it was evidence of insanity or being crazy to actually WANT to hear 'that noise'. I didn't know what 'insanity' meant to anyone except my parents version. We had a neighbor that threatened to shoot us if we didn't stay away from his plum orchard. He was, as everyone said: 'crazy'.
By the time I was in my early twenties (1950's) I had become passionately fond of Ludwig Van Beethoven's music having progressed from a passion for Chopin, Mozart and a composer of operas, Verdi.. At that point in my life, Beethoven's music seemed to me to contain every possible good thing, the highest that is possible. I had come to believe God's name must be spelled BEETHOVEN. I was not a religious person so the idea 'just grew' in my mind that when I was hearing Beethoven's music, this was God's voice.
I also loved Mark Twain's book Tom Sawyer passionately, so enthralled with it that I re-read it many times when I was a young girl. That was the only book of his that I read. I tried but could not get interested in Huckleberry Finn or any other book by written by Mark Twain.
In 1957 when I was in my mid twenties I read a book my husband had just finished reading, One, Two Three Infinity by George Gamow. It's about Einstein's theories and was written for the layman. I read it because he had read it; he didn't suggest that I read it. Reading that book was unusual because I rarely chose to read anything that was non-fiction. I read the book, noticing as I read that I could read every word very easily but I did not understand what the book was about. Afterwards I remembered a few words from the book: train, observer, speed of light. A few new terms like 'black hole' were introduced into my mind.
At some point in my late twenties or early thirties I noticed that whenever Beethoven's name or music came to my ears or into my thought in any form, two other names automatically were produced alongside of his name. Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain. The three names always came into my thought as a unit, triggered by 'Beethoven' in any form. After I had noticed it once I wondered about the emergence in my mind of these three names at any reference to Beethoven.
Then at some other point in time a response to this strangeness formed! It was a thought: but it was a question: " How did Mark Twain's name get to be in such company as Beethoven and Einstein?", the question became part of the event. First the three names occurred, then the question about "How did Mark Twain's name get to be in such company as Beethoven and Einstein?".
I'm sure this happened for some time before I noticed it with enough awareness to be really curious about why it always happened. There was no reason for me to 'think' Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain whenever 'Beethoven' came to mind and then a response to the question formed about how Mark Twain didn't seem to belong in the same category as the two men I knew were geniuses.
In 1988 or thereabouts, I cannot be exact about the date, I was walking near the Pike Place Market and saw a T-shirt with a giant caricature of Einstein's head on it in a store window. Because I'd begun to read some books about quantum physics and Einstein's name seemed everywhere in them, I decided to buy it.
As I paid for the T-shirt I told the clerk that I'd an odd experience with Einstein: Somehow his name had become associated with Beethoven's in my mind and that in fact I always heard three names automatically: Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain. She was writing the sales check and without lifting her head or showing any surprise she replied: "I always wondered to myself how Mark Twain's name got into such company as Beethoven and Einstein."
That startled me. "Do you mean you have the same thing happen to you?"
"Yes, it's always happened that I hear Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain whenever I hear Beethoven's music or hear his name or think about him. Then I always wonder how Mark Twain got to be in the company of Beethoven and Einstein."
That seemed impossible! How could such very specific content happen to two individuals? The three names, AND the question about Mark Twain? Incredible, not to be believed, but it had really happened! It was not typical at that point in Time for me to make 'chatty remarks' to strangers. It was unusual that I said anything that personal to a complete stranger, so that was unusual too. I am not that way now!
By that point in time I had begun to recognize that a few experiences I was having were not likely to happen to everyone or to anyone other than me. They seemed to happen from some kind of cause; there seemed to be a reason for their 'strange occurrence' but what cause, what reason could explain them?
I paid for the T-shirt but didn't think about the event until several years later. There was no discomfort, no special feeling associated with this event.
And strangest of all, I thought nothing about it afterward until after 1989 when this event was used to prove to me the thoughts had been given to me, not produced by my own will.
This happened a few years later:
The second part of the story happened within the last ten years, sometime in the mid 1990's. I don't remember it as well as I wish I could. I wrote it down after it happened, but I can't find that material. I know I was walking down a flight of stairs one day that reminded me of a flight of stairs in my old high school. I don't know what brought the three names to mind as I walked downstairs, but I noticed a distinct change this time in how the three names occurred into my thought: "Beethoven, Einstein, Twain." ...
The response formed automatically in my mind: "Beethoven, Einstein, Twain? Not Beethoven, Einstein and MARK Twain?
Startled I paused, noticing the difference, The thought contained only Twain's last name now, but that had always occurred with Beethoven and Einstein. " Beethoven, Einstein, Twain????"
Then immediately another automatic thought package brought the first letters of the three names together: B-E-T. BET!!!
I experienced a jolt, like electricity. Bet is my nickname to several people, my name is Betty. My sister Janice always called me Bet from a very young age. A few people have never called me anything but Bet.
So the three names were in a quite distinct way telling me my name, stating my name, identifying me.
It would never have occurred to me that Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain were spelling out my name, except that 'Mark Twain' had occurred for so long a time, then for the first time, changed into 'Twain". Did "I" notice B-E-T or was the relationship given to me, revealed TO me?
I've wondered if the salesperson who sold me the T-shirt was also named Betty . It would never have occurred to me that the initials of the three names concealed a secret relationship to me, or that my name was being 'spelled out' in the three names.
I have come to accept that this and other carefully designed strings of events have been a way to get me to see that this was happening TO me, not generated BY me.
That's how my first name was 'told' to me. I was identified and I understood only dimly then, that my name was spoken TO me in this quite unusual language-form. That's the important fact, I didn't create the thought, it was 'said' to me.
My last name had already been 'said' in 1989 in a quite different form, in quite a different flow of events.
It was 'said' in the first of two mindquakes I had that year. Keep in mind that I had not a whit of understanding about 'coincidences of the meaningful kind' when the T-shirt event happened. I described that event as only being strange, the word 'coincidence' did not occur to me then or later. My body didn't feel 'shaky or dizzy' when the event happened, it was just another day. I had not experienced the 1989 mindquake, or all the events that happened between 1984 until 1989.
That was a very difficult year for me. It was nearly overwhelming and would have been except that by 1989 I had begun to have a sense of understanding the new 'contexts' anad meanings that automatically emerged from this kind of event, and they occurred after 1984 in every day situations. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year before a gradual change altered how I experienced 'that kind of event'.
That vignette follows:
. The T-Shirt event happened when I was beginning to read books about quantum physics and I'd found out that ideas of quantum physics had been major news stories the year I was born. I'd already begun to have a strange sense of reading words in a book, whatever book I was reading, that were already familiar to me. As though I knew already what I was reading. The word 'resonate' did not occur to me but its not a word I heard commonly in 1987 or thereabouts. It's quite common now and maybe it means exactly what it means: re-hearing something. But that was only one part of the continuing strangeness: It seemed also that at times people and objects that use words addressed or even responded to my unspoken thoughts! That made me dizzy.
A real world situation that had begun when two men formed clubs to introduce advanced and challenge level square dancing in our area was causing me to feel unbalanced at times, literally, so that I had to make unusual efforts to stand up. I felt dizzy literally.
Between 1984 and 1988 my mind had been a very busy territory, my body had been a miserably uncomfortable shell and I was struggling in every aspect of my life. By 1988 however I had begun to notice that my mind was somehow purposefully at work. Contents emerged that was new to me and I noticed it. One example was: A word would for no apparent reason come into my thought, such as 'covert'. That word haunted me for several days, then the word 'overt' was added and joined 'covert'. Finally I wondered to myself one day: "What is the difference between 'covert' and 'overt'? Writing the two words down I noticed that a 'c/see' was not only a difference but also a similarity. A 'covert' thing is 'no see' but there is a 'c' in the word. There's no 'c' but there is a 'see' in overt. A literal 'c' and the word 'see' sound the same but this at the time was a new kind of event seeping into my life..
I was noticing productions in my mind that emerged spontaneously, apparently for no reason but eventually there seemed to be a purpose behind the 'inserted thought words'. There was no association between other retrieved memories that had haunted me earlier in life. The curiosity I began to feel made me wonder why I only wondered now, only at that point in Time, rather than when the strange events happened.
About noticing lacks within my understanding: When I had read One, Two, Three Infinity by George Gamow I had noticed how easily I could read the words but how little they meant to me.
I had noticed a lack of comprehension many times about myself and wondered about it. It's not as trivial as it may seem to have noticed this lack in myself, I want to make the point explicit. In my twenties, I had begun to wonder why I could read words in poetry or other famous books easily and spell most of them but somehow I could not understand something meant to be conveyed by the words.. I had tried to read Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass for instance and could see no reason why that book was so highly regarded. This was also true of another book I'd read more than once, which I knew had won a Pulitzer Prize for the author, Thornton Wilder, The Bridge Of San Luis Rey. I'd seen the movie then read the book but I could not grasp why that slender book won a Pulitzer Prize either.
Over a period of about 30 years I've had an unusual experience with The Bridge of San Luis Rey that related to why I had noticed (or to be more accurate, I was 'caused to become aware of' my lack of understanding and getting meanings from that area of life. It was a minimal degree of self observation basically, private but unspoken about to anyone that I quietly wondered to myself about it.
There is a connection in this Beethoven/Einstein/Twain string to the second mindquake which happened in 1989.
That event was so unexpected but it was obvious to me when it happened, that I had covered a great distance in my mind because I could relate to that mindquake when it happened. I'd had to discover the 1984 mindquake in the span between 1984 and 1989! I could see immediately that it was an event built from and upon everything that happened after 1984, until 1989 . I'd begun to learn a new form of communication, it was new to me anyway but a synchronization between what I was physically doing, books that I just happened to read, and certain inner content that I couldn't speak aloud that seemed impossible even in 1989 had become obvious. Both my mental activity and my activities in the physical world had blended, sometimes amazingly precisely timed and that was somewhat obvious to me by 1989.
One big change was that I had begun to read a kind of book that I'd never read before, non-fiction. It was very uncomfortable to read, my head felt as though it would burst when I read. Also the words seemed to fall into a black hole, I couldn't remember anything I read, or so it seemed. But I was 'driven', literally, to read books that came to my attention in a variety of places. There was an impression of words that emerged: "Read the words anyway, pay no attention to whether you understand them or not." in the beginning. I noticed those words begin as a kind of fragrance that identified them before they advanced into being real words!
When I fully recognized that Beethoven, Einstein and Twain was a form of 'speaking my name' to me, I had become aware already that my last name had been 'told' to me, because my last name had been part of the 1989 'mindquake'. It was 'said' in an almost impossible to describe event, because there was so much content in the 1989 mindquake that can't be written briefly. That content involved my personal circumstances in the real world, especially the two clubs that were introducing advanced and challenge level square dancing. A dream I'd had that produced non-stop thinking into my mind, as well as much from my past and even my husbands' past and an experience he'd mentioned to me that had happened to him, when he was in his late teens are important to write about. He'd named it 'sitting under the apple tree with his 'maker', and he'd told me he'd been told everything he would ever need to know. As years passed he never mentioned it, his attitude about that event changed. Other changes happened that I remembered that indicated to me, from his off hand remarks that he felt differently about that event. It was no longer significant or important, it was not worth talking about, it was a trivial thing
I had to discover that what he'd said in those 'off hand remarks' was not in his memory, he didn't remember them.
A great distance had been covered when I recognized that I had been made aware and immediately understood that in this second stage of Beethoven, Einstein and Twain event my last name had already been 'told' to me in a quite different event in the first mindquake in 1989. But I had not recognized it myself as specifically as I could have done. The first 1989 mindquake 'spoke' my last name but that bit of information was embedded in so much other information that I didn't link the two events together until my first name was 'said' to me. A long string of events connected to a book I'd read when I was 16, My First Two Thousand Years by Peter Vierck and George Sylvester Eldridge but that was only a small detail in the huge package of information that followed a brilliant color image that flashed into my mind, an image of my lower bridge work. I'll write about that briefly:
I was at work and was exhausted at break time so I went into the rest room, took off a shoe and put it behind my back so the plumbing didn't hurt my back, then I leaned back and closed my eyes. A few minutes later I was drowsing apparently when a brilliant image filled my mindscreen. It was a hand and it held my lower bridge work which is silver colored. Another hand reached in, picked it up and turned it over, once, then twice, then again and thought words occurred: "Turn it over some more. Chew on it some more, Think about the whole thing, Thing about the implications of the whole thing."
Then an enormous bundle of information followed the words, I can briefly list some of it: The memory of a night in 1982 when a memory from my past had been retrieved along with other new to me inner content . Also I'd felt something close to words but not real words of thought that informed me I was seeing a miracle slowed down so I could watch it happen. And that what I was seeing was some thing that had become invisible because it is ever present. Much more happened but I remembered that night only then when it was retrieved. I understood that the retrieved memory was telling me what was happening at the time, then the same thing that had happened in the memory was happening now. I was 13 then, just beginning junior high school in a new town, and was lonely when a new classmate came over and talked to me, so I felt less angry and lonely. This kind of association between retrieved memories and whatever I was doing when they re-occurred was not easy to recognize, or to begin to understand as I now understand them. It was a quantum leap to see that relationship and I'd read about electron 'shells' by 1989.
An example that is more recent: In 2000 I went back to the 50th anniversary of my class graduation. One of my classmates had kept a scrap book that was full of things I'd forgotten, such as the name of the play we had presented when I was a senior: Calm Yourself, authored by George Eldridge. If anyone made any reference to the authors name and mine being the same, I had forgotten it! I'd remembered several details about the play, but NOT that one! My mind did not form that kind of associations. Our family doctor was named Norman Bates but that never occurred to me as the name of a murderer in the movie Psycho, even when I saw the movie. I was affected by the movie in that after seeing it I was often afraid to be in a shower. I was surprised to learn that other women didn't feel comfortable in the shower after seeing that movie.
It's very easy now to write what I experienced more than a decade ago; the material has become closer to speech than it was when it was happening every day, all day, for years. I didn't suspect there is a great distance in the mind between some of the thought content that I experienced prior to 1984, in 1984 and afterwards. It became obvious to me that reading words somewhere, anywhere words are written, hearing them spoke somewhere, no matter what the context they were in and seeing certain events physically is where the apparent 'coincidence' occurred. The content is 're-used' and a different context arises automatically but VERY rapidly, so rapidly its almost impossible to 'see' this 'reflection' created. The effect on me was 'dizziness' and confusion for some time.
This may really create a new way to understand ideas of karma, reincarnation, destiny, fate and a sense of deja vu now that mirror neurons have been identified. A life review was recognized and written about in ancient times but I didn't know that myself until I realized my life was being 'described' to me in these 'mindquakes'. The 're-view' was part of the process, but literally a new sense created information, using my history much of which no person could have known about. My past was obviously available, even thoughts that occurred into my mind.
Norman O. Brown provided validation for that idea, that emotions need to get into contact with words, in his 'Life Against Death, a psychoanalytic view of history'. Another phase began at work when a new model airplane was advancing towards Final Assembly where I worked after 1993 and got involved in the real estate transaction from hell, had surgery on my left knee that left me in constant pain. I had believed this thing, what ever it was related only to my marriage until 1989. Then slowly another cause emerged for the effects that were forcing me to do things that ordinarily I wouldn't do, or think about or notice. By 1995 Boeing was changing their focus from building a product to creating shareholder value. "Time is money" was the theme and we actually had to do some things that were hilarious to become 'lean and efficient'. We had to do inventories, item by item and decide whether to keep or throw away. A place for every thing had to be marked on the floor or some shelf.
Life Against Death was not a new book, it came to my attention at just the point in time, to understand the first page, in which the author mentioned that Freud had discovered meaning in every day pathology, which he defined as 'the mad symptoms of the mentally deranged; then secondarily in dreams; thirdly in every day pathologies such as slips of the tongue, forgetting, mistakes, and random thoughts (!!!).I suddenly realized that I'd experienced the same process myself, without knowing how Freud 'discovered' psychiatry.
The book and its contents, which was all new information to me, played an essential role in what happened in 1995 just when Boeing was preparing for a new generation airplane, the 737X. It's really a book that was the result of the authors' knowledge and how his mind operated, he had the 'psychological sense' and it worked very well in his life. I realized then that, he could understand the difference between the 'literal sense' of Gullivers Travels, as a fantasy tale and the 'internal sense' of Gullivers Travels which was a satire about the politics of the time, Protestantism, capitalism, a pattern in Time originating in Aristotlean logic; anality as a personality pattern and its origins.
It's a two level book, but I didn't have the second sense myself even then. I recognized it is the same 'form' that Swedenborg wrote about;, he wrote about the hidden meanings of the bible. Of course parables are that form also. And there are stories in Daniel, Jeremiah and the new testament about how ''instruction' is given, by telling some story that reveals information to 'those that have an ear'. It's the method of Freud's psychological interpretation which revealed the satirical essence of that book which I'd read when I was a kid. But it was just a fantasy story then. As an adult with a mind that could (by then) 'get psychological meaning' it was the about the 'tone' and coloration of Swift's mindset and of his time, it was the 'voice of the zeitgeist' as NOB understood it.
I would never have been able to write the book, but my experiences in life merged exactly , timed precisely with what I'd learned from Life Against Death when Boeing' new 737X airplane advanced to Final Assembly.
The plane was numbered YA 001, it was the first 737 that had a vowel in it's 'nameber' so at first glance an association formed in my mind: YAHOO 1. When it left Final Assembly it was known as YAHOO 1. I had already read about the Yahoo's who loved filth in two chapters of Life Against Death in which he writes about The Excremental Vision. One story revealed where Martin Luther was when he had his great mindquake, and where he was had made me laugh because my first 1989 mindquake had happened to me when I was in the same place, in a toilet cubicle.
Martin Luther had been evacuating his bowels when his greatest revelation was given: on the privy. I was resting 'on the john'. I will write about that also as best I can. Later I saw an old movie of Martin Luther's life in which his problems with his bowels and constipation, his inner torments were depicted, as well as his strict interpretation of the words in the bible. He lived what he wrote, his body was in my opinion a form of representing real information in is life.
The pattern and the description of the anal retentive viewpoint as Brown wrote about it extended backwards in time to Aristotle's mindset, the misogynistic mindset of some of the ancients. I'd thought the word meant miserly until I looked for the definition of misogyny!
The first paperwork for that airplane came to me just after I'd read the chapters about the 'excremental viewpoint', in Life Against Death, about the filthy yahoos, the birthplace of the Protestant religion, and surprisingly to a pattern that is associated with toilet training, being 'up tight' about co-operation; and capitalism! A certain pattern emerges if a child doesn't willingly become trained. These ideas were connected in Time but the pattern of being 'up tight', uncooperative, and tight with money made sense to me because I'd married it and I'm not denigrating or intending to seem derogatory about anyone or any idea. The pattern is now global, it was at work in the Boeing Company, well before 1995, their focus was no longer making a product but increasing the price of their stock by outsourcing work.
A pattern was perhaps 'born' when the earth was displaced as the center of the universe, there are individuals who still experience the earth and themselves as the center of all things.
I was shocked literally to read about where Martin Luther was when he had his major revelation: on the privy in the tower. That's were I had been in 1989, trying to rest a few minutes 'on the john' in the 17-05 building where only parts were built. By 1993 I'd been transferred to Final Assembly and that's where I could see that a great change was already in full swing. It had begun when I was struggling to make sense of my own mind and the way thoughts and events seemed to synchronize, when I didn't know the word synchronize! I felt like I lived in a double bind because mixed signals were coming at me constantly so I named the 'point' where I was living as the moebius twist point but that happened slowly, eventually.
By 1993, technology of the telephone answering machine that could put people on hold had opened the door for a new way to do business. There was a lot of talk about doing business in a more profitable way because local taxes were too high, expenses were too high and entitlements had to be 'adjusted' to increase profits. There was a switch from building a product to producing profits by increasing the price of stock and incubating new companies then going public.
I'd read a book when I was in my teen years, titled My First Two Thousand Years but I'd forgotten it until one day in the mid 80's. The title words "My First Two Thousand Years" came to mind along with an urge to read it again.
The book had been interesting but not so compellingly that I remembered it the way I had other books. When the title came to mind one day in the mid 1980's I couldn't even remember the author's name so I went to the library to find the book I was amused to find out it was authored by two men: George Eldridge and Peter Vierck. The author had the same last name I had. And the initial V was my married names' initial too. This detail was not significant to me that day, it was a tad funny, just a bit funny that I'd not been able to remember THAT particular name.
I remembered that My First Two Thousand Years was about Cartophilus, the wandering Jew. He had lived a continuous life for 2000 years, never aging for 2000 years. He'd known kings, lived through great periods of turmoil and been a witness to great changes but he had not changed or aged himself. He became aware because he didn't age or die, that he had been 'cursed' because he'd mocked Jesus when he carried the cross. He had been a childhood companion of Jesus in the book and he really loved Jesus. Being a Roman he did what the Roman life required of him when Jesus carried the cross to Gethsemane. Cartophilus was in the crowd of people who jeeringly urged Him to do a miracle that would save Himself. He hoped that Jesus would save himself but Jesus looked at him and said: "Thou shall tarry till I return."
As time passed Cartophilus did not age normally, he remained just as he had been, a handsome young man. That aroused envy, then fear in others so that he had to keep moving. During the 2000 years of his life he was a witness to an ongoing drama, knowing important people and being present through out 'history'. He came to a place where something happened to cause him to tell the story of his 2000 years long life. He told his story and in telling it was released from entrapment in Time.
The point about this 'event' is that a kind of displacement of an idea from the book began to 'grow' in my mind after I realized the author had the same name I had and I'd forgotten it. This is the most important idea, that the words in the title were removed from the context of merely a book, another context for the idea of some 'thing' that was 2000 years old emerged gradually, after I'd read The Lord of Thought later. That's an old book and I had a smaller 'mindquake' after reading the last page and closing the book. That mindquake made me think things that were so heretical that I felt it would never be possible to say aloud that content.
One idea was that the birth and death of Jesus was part of a plan to reveal the 'kingdom of heaven which is within you' that had been carefully created but not by any person.
I had not thought about the idea that Jesus said there is a kingdom of heaven within you until after I had finished reading a book, The Lord of Thought, an old book in which the authors tried to isolate the differences between Jesus and other men. Its an old book in which the authors sought to isolate what was unique in Jesus life. That was a new idea to me. After reading it, closing the book, I experienced a kind of event that would be a minor 'mindquake' or what Swedenborg described as 'influx' although I didn't recognize it then. After I closed the cover of the book the idea that the authors had not really isolated what was unique in the life of Jesus seemed to trigger my thinking about exactly what WAS really new and unique. Many ideas that I'd not thought about, especially the net effects of that life flooded into my mind. My mind produced content that was obviously true.
The idea that 'zero' was inserted into Time was a certain part of the influx but only a small part of it. I was also made aware that no other religious entity had made such a distinct point about a 'kingdom of heaven' and 'the kingdom of heaven is within you. That was what made me feel it would be impossible for me to write about that event. It was heresy of the worst kind to believe that life was lived to point towards another kingdom, within everyone. The idea that religion is basically about whether we are alone in the universe began to emerge.
The content that flooded into my mind after I'd closed the book was not in the book but it was about the idea the authors had intended, to isolate what was unique and new in that life. This batch of information was partly concerning what had really been the net effect of Jesus life. His life had a 'net effect' that suddenly loomed into my thought in a rather large package of thought. The authors of the book had not mentioned that a 'zero' in Time had been inserted. When this 'influx' happened, I believed it was an idea that would be too heretical to ever suggest. It was just the beginning of a point of change in Time itself. I read recently that ancient Greek philosophers realized the Earth is a 'point' in vast space. It is now the real point from which space is being explored but only 70 years ago that kind of idea was only written in fantasy fiction pulp magazine that my dad bought for a dime. He'd hidden them from me but I always found them and often read them by flashlight under the cover at night.
There had been several other experiences in which I had noticed a distinct 'displacement' of words and specific content from a book I'd read onto a completely unrelated idea, one the occurred automatically in my mind, relating to me in that new context, the idea is named 'displacement' by Freud! . I can relate several of them. (The Daughter of Time by Josephine Tey was a similar big event. The idea in the book is about a detective that passes time while he recuperates in the hospital. He gets interested in reading a historical book about King Richard, the murderer of twin boys. Like a detective he re-viewed the facts in the story, he digested information but formed a new conclusion, that basically King Richard did not act like the kind of person that would murder to keep his crown. What that detective did was that in re-viewing the past, he re-vised the past, he re-understood it in a new way. . He re-views and understands the past in a new way. I had come to believe that we need to re-see the past in a new way, and its a task to understand in a new way what we believe about history. )
The influx that followed closing The Lord Of Thought caused me to feel a deep panic because it would not be possible to relate Jesus' life to a rational use of an extra ordinary life, to put direction in Time, a before, after, up, down, and depth and degree. And more than, that make it obvious there is another world, within 'you', and its extra terrestrial.
I knew very little about mathematics, barely managed to get through algebra but somehow it seemed the Cartesian graph with its two perpendiculars, the x and the y, and the rather difficult to discern 'z' which is the point of intersection between the x and y was the result of inserting an idea of 'zero/0' inserted into Time. But now the planet is that 'point'.
The 'depth' of mind that I was experiencing then was basically not possible to distinguish from the regions of mind that were as Emanuel Swedenborg wrote it, close to speech. I could not speak from the depths even when it was possible to 'see/hear' what was there, emerging so precisely timed I observed, with events in the world. I wrote automatically at times and was not even curious about what my own hands had typed! It is a fact about the mind that I wouldn't have known about, except from experiences of hearing my self and seeing my body from a kind of detached perspective, in the psychological mode that Freud seems to have experienced to some degree himself. C.G. Jung entered into the depths more fully but not to the extent that he validated a process of individuation as a normal aspect of human life.
Until 1989 I believed the confusing situation in my personal life was purely personal, involving people I lived with and knew in our square dance endeavors. We belonged to two clubs that were introducing advanced and challenge levels to mainstream dancers. The new levels removed all gender roles and that made a difficult 'dance' even more difficult. There were 7 levels of dance then. There was a real antagonism between those of us who wanted to learn the new levels and mainstream dancers.
By 1988 I'd begun to realize there was a purpose and an intent other than my own at work in my thought. After 1989 I knew it, but in a limited way because the two mindquakes made it obvious my husband didn't remember much that he'd said and done in our relationship. I'd already become curious about my own mind and what it was doing, since I didn't feel I was 'thinking' certain inner content. But that was only after I chanced to read Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco and read about ancient secret societies. I noticed the dimmest sense begin to emerge in my thought that what I was really experiencing as painfully confusing, caused by my marital bond and was so isolating, was old, very, very old. It wasn't personal although it had seemed to be. The thought formed: "This is old, very, very old."
The book is about secret societies, none of whom I had read anything about except that I had noticed the word 'Rosicrucians' in an advertisement in magazines I read when I was a young girl. What had begun as purely personal began to extend beyond my own life after I read that book but I had an extremely unusual event happen one night. For the first time I became aware of 'secret keeping societies'. I'd not known of them.
(I had an experience one night during reading the book that puzzled me very much, I was in a near sleep state and suddenly a brilliant color image filled my 'mindscreen'. It was of a man looking directly at me, gesturing emphatically. The scene changed to show a large library with many beautifully bound books on shelves. Then I saw three chairs and in each chair an old man sat, with a younger man arising from his shoulders, and an even older man arising from that man's shoulders, then the image vanished. I realized I'd felt a kind of prompting before the image occurred: "Remember as much as you can." . It wasn't like anything I've experienced before or since. I had to figure out what it was about, what was inferred in that scene. Then I realized the chairs were in a triangle and I was in the center, without a body just a viewing point.
I saw 360 degrees. I was a 'point of view' in the center of a triangle, seeing full face men in three chairs; one man arising from another man's shoulders and its impossible to see full face three men in a triangle. Somehow the idea began to emerge by increments that a 'two thousand years old idea' was related to the 'flow' of events in my life (and people who seemed to be deeply involved themselves in what I was thinking but had not said anything about aloud to anyone.) The idea in My First Two Thousand Years was displaced and I didn't know then, that kind of displacement was how Freud began to write psychoanalysis. Displacement created a complex, named the Oedipus complex. A child is supposed to pass through that stage but not all do. Not many people knew of it until recently.)
The dimmest sense that a 'two thousand years old' idea was behind the new (to me) way of seeing and hearing everything drifted into my mind. The emerging 'sense' that what the book was about, was related in some way to what I was trying to understand, required several events to happen later, in which I recognized finally, the process of 'displacement' itself, how it happened and that this was a kind of 'word building tool' being used quite purposefully. A mechanism of mind 're-peated' an event at such a speed that it was virtually undetectable.
Words in the title of books, as well as the entire content of the book as I read it, had an effect on my head which I felt would burst at times, and my body at times like a 'live wire', trembly and uncomfortable.
When in 1989 I had my 'on the 'john mindquake', I was resting in a toilet cubicle.
The beginning of the 1989 mindquake was hilariously simple. It contained so much 'material' that I can barely hope anyone else will make sense of it. A brilliant image suddenly formed, in Technicolor of my hand with my silver colored lower bridgework in it. My other hand reached in, picked it up and turned it over, once, then again and again. Thought words emerged: "Turn it over again. . Chew on it some more. "Think about the whole thing. Think about the implications of the whole thing." Many, many ideas from books I'd read after 1984 came to mind behind 'think about the whole thing'. But something quite specific came to mind behind 'think about the implications of the whole thing'.
The word 'wholeness' and 'implications' each generated a string of events that included how I'd felt when I read David Bohm's Wholeness and the Implicate Order. The basic idea seemed familiar to me as 'what you see is what you get', and it related to some differences I had with my husband at times. (!!??) But it extended back to incidents in my early life when I'd wondered if my being any place, just seeing something, made any difference. I had read The Symbolic and The Real by Ira Progoff without any comprehension of what he meant by 'real' and symbolic'. I had wondered to myself what the word 'wholeness', which he used many times, meant. So many books used terms like 'wholeness' and 'consciousness' but I had not a whit of understanding about what they meant.
More than I can write about in a linear form came into my thought, but the most important fact was that I was made aware that I'd had an unrecognized 'mindquake' one night in 1982. It was important because I had not noticed the beginning of the changes in my hearing and speech had not actually occurred in my home, but had begun outside of my home when I felt an urgent need to get to know the square dance caller in my dream, which had initiated an ongoing, non-stop stream of thought. I didn't sleep normally after that dream. It was a change I had believed was due to changes in my marital 'bond', but it had begun in an unrelated situation.
Events had happened and I'd met other people by 1989, so I had a become aware that the man I had become so strangely aware of even before the dream, and that I felt a terrible need to get to know had been living a basically identical life to the life I was living in 1982. But many, many events had to happen before that became distinct. Its a tragic story but it was probably necessary.
I was made aware in this 'toilet mindquake' that this man who had been in a dream that was so vivid that I felt warm, human touch and I were basically identical in our marital relationship, in ways I could not have suspected.
My 'strange attraction' towards him had it's real origin in what was going to happen in 1984 and afterwards. I would have continued to believe my husband had deliberately (or unconsciously) brought about the terrible double bind/mixed signals situation I found myself in by 1982 and afterwards, when in fact he was and still is completely unawares of how he initiated all that happened when he told me about his 'under the apple tree' experiences. It was made clear to me that the entire event had it's origin outside of what we experience as 'normal time' . And that 'My First Two Thousand Years' was an idea that began at a certain point but which was an ongoing endeavor in Time long before that birth that was related currently to religion without any recognition that religion itself is about whether we are alone in the universe.
I was made aware in that 'toilet' event that I had been named on this planet, when "My First Two Thousand Years' and its author had been brought to my attention. My physical location was at many times made distinct to me but more important was that I had been taught information I'd not previously known. I had learned a language that in a real way taught itself, I had only to notice how it was being 'given'. There was not however any way I could accept what was made clear to me because even then I didn't understand much that was important. I knew nothing about philosophy, history, or religions, mathematics or such.
I'd read somewhere i(I believe it was in Ira Progoff's The Symbolic and the Real that C. G. Jung believed that nothing could restore a sick person into their life 'story' or create a sense of wholeness except a sense of holiness. It plagued me that I could not grasp what 'wholeness' meant but one day an impulse arose in me to write down the words: wholeness and holiness. What is the difference? The difference came rather sweetly and comically. I smiled when I noticed the 'w-e' in wholeness was exchanged for an "i". Somehow the literalness of this, 'we' that is exchanged for an 'I', was more than comically sweet: it made sense because I had wondered to myself about the odd term 'human being'. 'Hu-man?" What is the difference between 'man' and 'hu'-man? He-you-'man'? The batch of information that flooded my mind behind "Think about the implications of the whole thing." brought back a memory of how an impulse emerged that caused me to re-read a book whose author was the same as my last name, My First Two Thousand Years, the authors name having been 'forgotten' had been brought to my attention, for a reason.
It was 'given' to me to understand that my name had been 'brought to my attention', or 'told to me' in that event. But more, much more was in this batch of information: one item was concerned with how I had begun to become aware, quite slowly in the three years after 1984 of a purposeful intent at work in my mind. It was visibly purposeful in several incidents that I will write about in detail later, where impeccable timing was involved, between what I was doing physically and something I was reading and a thought that was generated by what I was physically doing. A kind of 're-generation' occurred of the thought content, and it was distinctly noticeable in this circumstance. I didn't realize this kind of displacement must occur if a parable is personalized.
I had become aware by 1989 of having something shown to me as though I were in school, learning something from a teacher that I could not see. After being caused to 'think about the implications of the whole thing' I knew for certain, that I had been shown in detail the answer to a hint in a book I'd read in my twenties that there is a secret about the insane, about 'it', just around the corner, just out of sight from us. I realized in a flash that I had been named, shown a complete idea after the basis for the idea had been abstracted from a book in which it had been embedded, (hidden) and that I had been guided from a distance, 'like' a space rover is manipulatead, to that idea and had recognized being guided. I had actually noticed the workings in my mind when I chanced to re-read The Bridge Of San Luis Rey when I was in my mid forties along with Childhood's End.
I had observed how the idea had been 'abstracted' and brought into prominence in my mind and was curious when my own mind formed a complete thought from two fragments abstracted from the two books. "...and the insane...? I watch them sometimes and it seems to me there is a secret about it, just around the corner, just out of sight..." from The Bridge Of San Luis Rey. And from Childhood's End, "..it is an abyss across which few......unaided find their way." The two fragments from different books were generated as automatically as Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain had been, as well as what followed: "How did Mark Twains name get to be associated with two geniuses like Beethoven and Einstein?"
This was made very clear to me, that on Earth I had been moved about, caused to do certain activities and say quite a lot that ordinarily I would never have said or done. I was a times horrified that I could not say and do what I intended, something else came out of my mouth, my body did not seem to be my own any more.
A new kind of perception caused me to 'see myself', and to 'hear myself' from a kind of detached viewing point. It was difficult to establish that 'self observation' was in fact a process at work. Those activities and my lack of control over what I said to at least one important person in my life, a person I wanted to believe I was not 'insane' or irrational anguished me and puzzled me. There were situations in which I saw and heard myself without realizing I had lost control of myself in the early 1980's but I remembered what I said in the early 1980's and wondered about the content several years later!
I had 'spontaneous speech' and 'spontaneous activities', losing control and personal volition. I had become aware of being 'controlled' the way a vehicle in orbit is controlled and manipulated, I felt manipulated and became extremely curious about everything that I was experiencing.
When I realized that I had been 'told' my name, and that I'd learned the 'secret about the insane' as I began to understand the meaning of certain 'symptom's I'd read on medical charts when I was seeing a psychiatrist,
I had felt that I was being controlled from afar, the way a space satellite is controlled from afar. There's a lot I can write about how I chanced to become entranced with a red Datsun station wagon. When I read the license tab to get it registered, I read ETW 651 noticing the spontaneous generation in my mind of Extra Terrestrial Woman 651. That's odd and it had never happened to me before. Because that happened in early 1984, before the first mindquake, there was only a sense of mild amusement, I could not have understood that I really felt 'spaced out' myself, increasingly so, every day. The automobile ETW 651 has a long string of events connected to the pi- mindquake, which happened a few months after the 'on the John' mindquake that introduced me to the idea of what 'anality' really means and where it began.
This happened, it is not something I could have foreseen would happen when I decided to re-read the book, "My First Two Thousand Year'. Nor could I have known it was 'food' for a much larger mindquake in the fall of 1989. Many events happened after 1984 and were incorporated in the astonishing 'image' that was of a mundane object like my 'lower bridge work'. That was a limited time span, specific and very limited until the 1989 event opened up a certain flow of experience that I'd not realized was there, because it was infrequent, and it involved people who were not closely related to me, they were strangers basically.
This 1989 event revealed that I'd had an introductory 'mindquake' in 1982 and it happened outside of my personal life, I simply had not made that connection, but absolute proof was given to me, that I was not 'thinking' this or imagining it myself. This event prevented me from believing someone in my personal life was the real origin of the entire 'drama' that had built up, which I had believed up to that point. There's a lot of background I would have to write about how this happened. Two people I knew only casually through our passion for square-dancing had become a kind of 'focus' of attention, for reasons I couldn't have suspected. In this event it was made very evident: each of these individuals was living a life nearly identical to the life I was living! And for a time the casual offhand words said by one of these individuals seemed to be exactly what I was thinking or to respond to something I had in mind but had not spoken about!
Between 1982 and 1984 these two people were 'fascinating' to me, for reasons I would never have been able to know or understand, but they were living an identical life at that point, in their home, to the life I was living in my home. I had never tried to describe anything 'non-physical' at that point.
I was made aware in that 1989 event that I had been named in a different way as well as that what I was actually doing had been accurately described many times in a particular form.
This 'form' involved retrieving memories from my past when the content of the memory fitted perfectly in a symbolic way with something happening in my 'now'. I will write of some of those because they were extremely precisely timed to occur, that was evident. It is important to understand that I had learned from my own experiences that 'meaningful coincidences' is another name for the symptom known as 'ideas of reference' which is defined as 'getting personal messages from irrational sources'. (!!!) I became aware that there is a doubleness involved in this kind of experience, one involving a 'literal sense', that created the sense of being 'talked to'. I had found out from harsh, bitter experience that this so called symptom of delusional thinking has a logic of it's own, and is a different kind of logic than 'normal rational minded' people experience but Carl G. Jung had grasped the logic and I had not heard or read of C. G. Jung when the 'sense' of such events and how they related to my life became evident to me .
The kind of 'coincidence' created is formed from personal memories, personal understanding, even if it's wrong, and from whatever is visible in the external world at the moment. There was nothing magical or mystical involved at any point until I tried to describe to a psychiatrist what was happening. I did not know much about psychiatry!
Yet it is very common experience! Authors normally do exactly the same thing! I had learned from this process that a kind of 'abstraction of material' from other books takes place in any authors' mind, forming the bibliography, the end notes, the references at the end of almost any non-fictional book authored by a less than original author!
I have had very few images occur in my mind unless I'm asleep but two happened in 1989. The 1989 mindquake began with an image, a brilliant image that flipped suddenly into my mind while I was trying to rest a few minutes, in of all places a toilet cubicle. I had my eyes closed and drifted into a somewhat drowsy state, when quite suddenly the image of a hand came into my mind, and in it was my lower bridgework. In a flash a hand reached into the scene, picked up the bridgework and turned it over, then over again and again rapidly. Thought words emerged: "Chew on it some more. Turn it over some more. Chew on the whole thing. Think about the whole thing."
I watched, listened to the flow that followed and understood it almost immediately. This kind of 'symbolic representation' and it's accompanying thought makes sense to me now, but in 1989 it was still barely unexplainable as well as virtually unbelievable, even though I experienced it continually. I had become aware that Emanuel Swedenborg's term 'double thought' was another way to describe some attributes of 'meaningful coincidence' or 'synchronicity'.
The 'sense' of what was being 'said' to me by the image and the few words of thought emerged along with masses of information that I recognized had relation to books I'd read after 1984. To give some kind of context I've mentioned that David Bohm's book, Wholeness And the Implicate Order had seemed oddly familiar to me when I read it soon after reading Paul Davies Other Worlds. The 'whole thing' related to that book but other experiences with the word 'wholeness' that would be tedious to have to read, given my less than scholarly style of writing. Many different events were 'compressed' behind "think about the whole thing", but something was made quite clear that I'd not thought about myself: the first stage of this strung out mindquake had happened in 1982, one night when I noticed for the first time a strange new addition to what was in front of my eyes.
Then quite suddenly this image of my 'lower bridgework' (??!!) was followed by the second stage mindquake: an enormous amount of information suddenly bloomed and this had to happen quite rapidly, nearly impossible to describe how much 'information' was suddenly initiated after: "Think about the whole thing."
The most important detail related to an evening in 1982 when I had looked around the room waiting for a square-dance lesson to begin. I looked around me, seeing people in a different way, something new was added that caused a thought: "This is impossible. How on Earth will I ever explain this? And who on Earth will ever believe me?"
What happened was simple, but it came all at once and I could not understand this until much later, as a package containing 'information' that I had to learn to 'decode'. Memories were brought back, that I can realize now, really expressed in their content what was happening at the moment, in 1982.
A memory came into my mind of a certain day when I was in a new school, along with a long string of other memories that I'd forgotten about until they were 'displayed' rapidly, all at once, yet somehow individually. There had been certain experiences of 'coincidence' between 1982 and 1984 that had nothing to do with my life at home, with my husband or my family. They had a significance I'd not realized until it was made clear to me: the 'whole thing' had begun outside of my home, it had begun with a 'strange attraction' to a man and wife who ran a challenge level square dance club we'd belonged to.
The man had been in the dream and I had not recognized that after the dream, thought about the dream was generated in my mind, an endless stream of thought. I was astonished that a dream could actually generate so much content about one person and I did not mention this dream, except to refer to 'non-stop thinking'. Nobody asked about the content. . There was nothing sexual or personal in my 'fascination' with this man. I wanted to talk to him, to get to know him because of certain remarks his wife had made about him that did not seem to me to be accurate descriptions of him. The stream of thought was always about him, and the dream and I watched/listened day and night, 24/7/365 for more than 4 years to that stream!
The content of the stream was different by 1989, and I'd not recognized that either. The content had veered slowly away into completely different territory but I had made no connection between the original 'streaming thought' and it's content as it changed very slowly, veering away from this one man and the dream. The one stream of thought was isolated in a distinct way from 'other thought generating levels/bands/states of mind' in the 1989 mindquake., and it's very great depths until 1984 was made very distinct because I had not been able to 'speak' even one word from that very deep and remote place in my mind. It was literally inexpressible, I believe until some 'match' was encountered in the exterior world, not just words but situations, events, circumstances.
The idea had not occurred to me that a single stream of thought that simply never stopped after it began, had filled my primary attention after the dream. And it had replaced external events as the primary focus of attention, but that was not discernable then. I could do nothing but watch/listen to this stream, it was primary to an individual who knew nothing about psychiatric ideas, philosophies, history, mathematics or much of anything.
Everything that had been 'normal' to me was secondary after the dream, but I was unawares of the depths of mind from which this stream emerged, until after 1989 had been somewhat 'digested'. I'd become able to relate to the content of that stream more immediately in the 5 years since 1984. I believe at this point that the content of this 'stream of thought' met it's match at times specifically in the exterior world, exactly and precisely timed to do so, that was very evident. In a 'general sense' it happened all the time after 1984 and many times it happened specifically. The 'doubleness' I experienced was confusing when it happened sporadically in 1982, so it did not seem to be the same 'thing' when it ceased being sporadic and was continual. The 'discrete' event seemed to be a different kind of event than the continuous flow of events.
It would seem easy to relate 'now' to an event in my mind, when it emerges, but I had observed very great distance between the 'event' and being able to write about that content. There was even more space and much greater effort was required between being able to speak immediately about it. and 'seeing' the event when it actually happened. This took a long time to experience, that certain events can happen in the mind early in life, that are aimed towards the future.
It was made very evident that I had believed the inner drama that seemed to have begun with my home life and situations in my actual real life with my family had begun with the couple. At that point in time they lived an identical life to the life I lived at home. I had learned more about their life and their situation by 1989, and found out something quite amazing one day: the nationality of the woman was identical to the nationality of my husband. This became evident quite slowly between 1982 and 1989: that this couple that I'd been 'attracted towards' for no reason I could see, at that point in Time, living the same life I was. The words the man said, were the first that one night in 1984 were the exact words that were retrieved when the 1984 event was initiated: "You've got to get this right the first time." had a completely different context then. They were very close, but in a strange way that was puzzling to me. Somehow deeply enmeshed, I would use the word 'bonded' to each other so that they lived basically as one person. And one of them had told me that was what they wanted to do.
And this was how I was living prior to 1984, two individuals that were really bound together in their 'unconsciousness', living a life determined by the husband's knowledge and experiences as a 'man'. This is difficult to write without seeming to be denigrating anyone, or male bashing, but I became aware there is no counterpart in language for certain words that as a female, I heard many times; ball breaker in particular. I had never heard the two words: male menopause joined together even once in my life by the time I was 50 years old!
The 'marital bond' created a new kind of mind in me as it eventually became evident occurs in many couples. This changes many ideas about why people do not relate to each other, but I had not suspected this even in 1984. After 1984, the marital bond extended into a depths that I'm certain created a 'new mind', and it was this 'new mind' that processed the 'voice' and the experiences related to the zeitgeist. It had been getting ready for 1984, that night in 1982 when I noticed a strange 'difference' in how people in the room looked, and the batch of memories from my past emerged into my mind as a 'string'.
The meaning of the memories was symbolic, but when I understood them I realized they were 'speech', used in the form I learned to understand after 1984 as the conversation of this entity. It was a symbolic re=presentation but in a literal sense that a 'fact' about my life was being said/stated to me. What I was doing that night was 'told' to me using memories from my past, that were 'true' in 1982, as they had been when the actual event happened. I had looked around the room, seeing people who were gray-haired but a thought had come into my mind: "I am in a room full of adolescents." Along with the thought there was a memory of myself in a schoolyard, lonely and angry because my parents had moved so I was in a new school, not the junior high school I'd expected to enter when I was in the 7th grade. A classmate had come over to talk to me, asking me questions so that I didn't feel so lonely any more. I had left a familiar school and entered a new junior high school , surrounded by strangers.
I was at that point, surrounded by 'teen agers' even though they were mature looking, I was in a new school, and some new 'friend' was attempting to make me aware of this 'change' by retrieving similar memories or circumstances from my past.
There was a display of a memory I'd completely forgotten about until it was replayed: my grandmother had unraveled a large rose colored doily she's crocheted into a big pile of rose colored twine. She had tossed it onto my stomach when I was laying on the sofa and said to me: "Find one end of the string and without cutting it or breaking it, unravel any knots and wind it into a nice round ball so I can make something new out of it. I had done what she told me to do. That memory emerged along with the idea that somehow when she tossed it onto my tummy it had remained there, still a tangled mass where I had to find one end of the twine and it was the 'line of thought' for an idea associated with certain words, very exact words: "The importance of an observer."
Those words were the 'beginning of the thread', but I didn't relate to them that night, I recognized them when I read them in Paul Davies book, Other Worlds and then realized they had occurred along with the memory of the mass of tangled rose colored thread in my tummy!. This requires an enormous amount of information about my past, about how I used to wonder to myself, as I lived my life if my being anywhere, made anything happen or if my just seeing something made a difference.
(The 'acting out' physically of what I did in putting my ear close to the speaker, listening for the music that was embedded in the noise, was a pre-vision of something ahead of me in Time. The 'listening through the static' in my real life was displaced when I was in my early 50's, and applied into a completely unsuspected activity.).
As time passed I began to understand much that seemed only weird by the year 1988. It was a very busy year and much happened that I understood after I'd the third 'mindquake'. Everything became more clear then because it was obvious this was an experience 'given' to me, not generated or controlled by my own will, normal world needs and purposes. I was watching and listening to something that was working 'behind the scenes', but there was always a distinct relationship to my particular and unique past. .
To be continued:....
I was having problems in every area of my life but it was the problems that generated the flow of 'unlikely occurrences'. Something new was added. Everything looked different to me, yet when I looked to see what was different there wasn't anything different. At times I heard differently, very rarely at first, then it happened more frequently until after 1984 this change in hearing was everywhere. It had slipped over every moment, somehow transparent in itself, but changing every detail beneath it. I had problems that I'd never had before remembering what I read, getting to familiar places and my body seemed 'trembly' so that I couldn't sit or lay still for long.
Let me add a bit of clarifying information: I've always read a lot. That didn't change even when I couldn't remember what I'd just read. I had begun to read books about quantum physics in 1986 as best as I can date it, beginning with Other Worlds by Paul Davies and then David Bohm's book, Wholeness and The Implicate Order. (That book seemed familiar for some reason that I can only describe as relating to something I'd said to certain people: "what you see is what you get". What I meant by this was that a person only looks for what they believe or expect to see, but I could not have put it that way in 1986. )
By 1988 I'd read several other books about quantum physics, but I had not yet made the trip to Chicago that proved to be a critical point in preparing for the 1989 mindquake. I went to the Museum of Science and Industry where I spent most of the day re-watching two exhibits over and over. One of them was a study of objects in slow motion that had a supremely beautiful music background. The other was a moving image that illustrated the movement of electrons in their orbital around the nucleus of the atom. I must have watched both of them thirty or more times that day but quite suddenly I 'understood' a term I'd read many times in books: the electron cloud. I had wondered what an electron cloud was. It seemed evident after I watched the exhibit that the electrons, each in their 'shell' must move so rapidly it would seem to be a 'cloud' if one could see them. Like moving sparklers at night leaves a trail of light, this 'cloud' was 'empty' even though it looked continuous. It became evident to me then , that it would not be possible to establish both the exact location and speed of an electron because it would not be possible to establish a beginning point and an end point. Both a beginning and an end point are required to determine speed and distance. I'd only begun to think about such ideas as 'motion' and what it is really time.
That day before I left I bought the printout that told me how many days I'd been alive. Count the DAYS? It had not occurred to me to calculate how many day's I'd been alive: 20, 956 as of May 18, 1989. That trip opened a new door into 'time'.
1.This function of mind is difficult to discern as to how it operates because many events that need to happen can be spread out over a period of decades are involved. When an event happens that 'completes' a string, all of the events on that string can be presented as inner content. To make my point explicit: This 'string' is displayed in 'movie like' arrangement but this happens in a flash of time.
2.It creates information, in what can be thought of as a kind of artificial voice although 'pictures' are presented. The 'voice' attribute emerges gradually after many unexpected attributes of the 'function' are understood. The process requires displacement of original contexts, as well as an attribute of 'self' reference', and an attribute that is difficult to describe but simple to illustrate, using 'old' (memories or particular ways of understanding) that are unique to the individual.
3.The experience creates a conversational tone overall over a period of time that can vary quite widely. Coincidence is part of the effect of the transcendent function. Some 'coincidences' have to develop over a period of decades.
4.Quite suddenly a 'bundled' event occurs and the meaning is revealed almost like a movie compacted into a fraction of a second. By that I mean the mind presents. a 'string of events' as a single unit and the incident reveals that a surprising function of mind has been at work, a kind of 'memory search' has taken place, abstracting certain events has taken place, and a mental mechanism has assembled the events,. regenerated the entire 'string' as a unit, with no space between events.
5.When the package or 'bundle of events' is presented, this conveys by implication that there has been unsuspected connections to seemingly unrelated events that happened in the past. Getting meaning emerges the way understanding develops in watching a movie, but everything happens at speeds beyond ordinary time.
By that point in Time, when I noticed the T-shirt in the store window, there had been several other 'odd' happenings that concerned Einstein's monumental equation. I had been reading a book in which e=mc2 was on the page. As I looked at it, I paused because a memory of something a sixth grade teacher had said about equations came into my mind. "What is on one side of the 'equals sign' is the same as what is on the other side except the arrangement is different." I paused at that point, remembering how Mr. Bullock had tried to make arithmetic easy. The entire event seemed to be replayed in a flash of time. Then another unrelated thought came as I looked at the formula: "I wonder if that means what it looks like it means?" I experienced a vague sense of what the answer to the question was but they were was indistinct words, inexpressible. But they were quite specific words. I met them later, and recognized them as the words that had come into my mind after the question framed itself.. They were in a book, Atom, Matter and Physics by Alan Nourse, a Seattle physician.
At about that point in Time (1987 as best I can date it) I had been amused to notice one day that the letters and number in the equation reversed into a kind of symbolic anagram, a rebus puzzle, the kind that used to be a daily feature along with cross word puzzles etc on the comics page. .
I saw it quite unexpectedly, it was not something I tried to find: the letters, number and symbol in e = m c 2 can be reversed with only a slight re-arrangement into this: = 2 c me. (equals to see me) A spontaneous association formed in my mind that related 'equals 2 c me' to the statement Einstein supposedly made: "Nonsense, God does not play dice." (gamble, take risks).. This association formed because I had begun to suspect a kind of 'game', perhaps a very great risk was in fact behind the 'sentence' that changed e = mc2 into = to see me.
My grandmother's name was Risk, although that didn't particularly seem significant until recently.
A pile of events in my past had brought Einstein into focus. I had begun reading books about quantum level physics but a terrible change in my body had caused me to be seeing psychiatrists because there was nothing physical to account for my misery. There was a situation between my husband and I that was steadily making my life continually anguishing. We both had a passionate interest in learning challenge level square-dancing, in fact we had met at a square-dance. Our life changed very much by 1975 when our children were old enough to want their evenings to do what they wanted to do. One thing that changed radically was the elimination of gender based positions. There were no male and female roles so it was necessary to learn what the other gender did. (THINK ABOUT THIS!) This new, very complicated level of square-dancing angered mainstream friends for several reasons: it was difficult because having all gender roles and relationships eliminated made square-dancing much more difficult to do. At that point in Time, this was an especially critical situation because AIDS emerged at about that point in Time, and the largest group of advanced and challenge level dancers were a club of gay and lesbian individuals. When they decided to begin to dance with other clubs this brought about an unusual situation, there was no way it could be avoided...they had to be made welcome and treated with friendliness. That's what made square-dancing the wholesome activity we enjoyed ourselves, we were accepted and made to feel we were part of a kind of family. We had very little social life other than square dancing otherwise.
Our mainstream club relationship changed radically when we went into the next higher level, leaving the mainstream level to learn mainstream plus and then into advanced and challenge levels. For the first time I began to experience what it felt like to be discriminated against. We were discriminated against by our mainstream level club, mainly by the caller who broke the first commandment of being a good caller: he made scathing remarks from the stage whenever he saw us make a mistake. I felt singled out, I felt embarrassed and mortified but my husband did not seem affected by what affected me to the point of anguish.
Between 1975 and 1984 we went square-dancing with the same passion that many people attend church several times a week and saw the same people frequently. They became a kind of family bonded by a love of advanced and challenge level square-dancing even though the mainstream dancers and callers were disgusted with All Position Dancing. One major problem was the caller in my dream who had a harsh, very critical and openly expressed attitude. His reputation of being a 'mean' caller prevented building a large club so he could become nationally well known, which his most devoted dancers believed he could accomplish. The problem was that he seemed to not respect the dancers because he didn't lower his level of calling even to his own dancers so they could succeed in dancing to him! We were laughed at by mainstream dancers and callers when we floundered, falling into chaos so often, it was humiliating and anger provoking to the die hard supporters that didn't get so discouraged that they left the club.
Then something strange seeped into our 'hobby'. A situation that made me feel an almost unbearable sense of seeing something 'unspeakable' developed. When I became aware of it the first time, I felt stifled, and felt a terrible sense of grief, anguish and despair without really knowing why but it was in relation to this situation which was quite simple: I noticed that my favorite caller and his wife believed I had a crush on him. What I felt was something quite different, and it was literally unspeakable: I felt the deepest pity for him without having any reason for feeling that depth of a mixture of anguish, grief, and pity for someone I barely knew and had a great difficulty in talking to. I wanted so badly to get to know him but there was no reason why it was so important. The sense of being unable to say what I wanted to say, to set the record straight I could not say. I felt stifled, prevented, restrained and literally began to feel 'bottled up'. It hurt my body so much that I began to weep at times, hours at a time, and could not understand how my body produced that many tears until several years later I read the term 'archetypal weeping'.
In 1981 we were in California at Christmas time and something happened when we went to the Roseville Auction that cannot be explained by randomness, accident or chance. I felt very bad then, felt like I moved in a haze, distanced from everything. This was a big change, feeling somewhat comatose. By 1982, this situation and problems I was having in my home had brought about a specific condition in which I felt wretched, but somehow had begun to force me to understand.
Yet I felt somehow required to 'act like' and 'talk like' I normally did and was barely able to do that. I had to lay down and rest frequently. My body felt 'quivvery', trembly, wavy, all the time. I could not sit still, lay still or be upright for any length of time. We went to the Auction and after passing by one vendors stand, I walked back to it, leaned over and picked a book out of a box laying on the asphalt. "How much is this?" I asked as I looked in the front of it to see the name of it. There wasn't a name on the jacket, I saw a publication date of 1895 and that was this was the 10th printing. .It was an unusual book, covered in a tan suede, less than a third the thickness of a deck of cards and about the same size. When the vendor said: "A quarter.", I paid for it and put it in my pocket. Later I went to our van to rest. I took out the book and read the first line: "To you who read, I AM come. To you who read, I AM speaking." The words caused me to quickly close the book, put it back in my pocket and try to recover some sense of what 'normal' meant. I had felt the words in my body as though a person spoke them directly to me, and I cannot emphasize enough, this was a new experience. Startling, unexplainable and nearly overwhelming;
That little book, The Impersonal Life was published by The Sun Publishing Company which later became the DeVorss Company. I know this is going to read as absurd, but the way my most intimate male companion said the word 'divorce' was 'DeVorss', and at that point in Time 'divorce' was a word I had begun to hear him say. This strange association did not occur to me then, it was several years later that I recognized it. I sent that book to my sister and it was apparently so small she didn't see it. Until the Internet made it possible to search for a book like, very few bookstores tried to locate books for customers like me.
In 1982-3 I was beginning to feel a sense of confusion at times in a square-dance related situation. There was no reason that I could see that could cause me to feel dizzy. I felt 'unbalanced' literally for no reason and it was difficult to try to be 'normal' when it happened. It was only after 1989 that I realized the 'strangeness' I had experienced occasionally but which had become pervasive by 1984 had begun to happen in this square dance setting, not in my home. A few events had happened that I noticed, but did not think about until later when such events began to happen consistently, persistently and somehow there seemed to be a dreadful sense, a pressure that I needed to try to understand what was happening.
By 1984 I was in a constant state of near overwhelm, unable to do anything that had formerly been easy to do. The world looked different and sounded different to me, but in those few events that had happened between 1982 and 1983, for a few moments I 'saw' and 'heard' a potential relationship and meaning that in ordinary normal life would not have seen or heard at all. Then after 1984 there was no normal, at least not my 'normal'. I did recognize rather slowly that the form that governed, overlaid is a good word to use, what I was seeing and hearing now was the 'normal' way my husband saw and heard. I felt exactly what I have described, like his viewpoint was on top of mine and I was looking out through it, at the world. I said that in a distinct statement to the first psychiatrist that I went to! I had never heard of or read the term 'folie aux duex' when I told him that it seemed to my husbands' viewpoint was 'sitting on top of my own viewpoint' and that I was looking up, and out, seeing through it, the world. It altered everything without altering any thing at all. That was what confused me for several years, how a simple change could alter every thing that's out there, outside our body, but actually change nothing.
This condition was actually diagnosed to me as a 'folie aux duex', or 'the same disease shared by two people' but in the most casual way. Nothing like 'treatment' or even acknowledgement that I had become aware of it myself, ever occurred. I knew nothing about psychiatric terms or ideas, Freud's name was the only name I knew about. I'd read cartoons about 'shrinks' or heard his name in movies and read it in romance stories. I had never thought of a mental condition or state of mind as a disease, and let me make this clear right now. I don't believe disease describes the 'uniting of two minds', which was really what happened. It was a role reversal of sorts, but the timing of when this role reversal occurred is the most remarkable fact. It was timed to occur when there was a new world entering fully into our own planets affairs.
A perfect model for the change was happening in the two clubs that were trying to introduce advanced and challenge levels to the outraged mainstream level.
There have been many books written in the past about points of change, M. Scott Peck's book, A New World Waiting To Be Born was the first I encountered however, because I knew very little about history, philosophy or the past at until about 1989/1990.
All of these circumstances fit together somehow into a single flow of circumstances, nothing was separate, everything related to this 'strange kind of event that went on and on and on'.
THE TRANSCENDENT FUNCTION AND A DESCRIPTION OF HOW IT OPERATES: "Behold, I make all things new." is almost certainly a reference to the results of the function that C. G. Jung wrote, functions 'like' a mathematical function. The 'transcendent function' operates 'like' a highlighter, creating significance from whatever it 'selects', creating a process of synchronization that included my history as its 'data base'. There's not much that I can put into a strictly linear form, but this function of mind creates the process of individuation that one selected individual may experience on this planet. It's evidence of foresight, but not mine.