November 30-2000 Build
ye up sign posts along the way.
A man whose initials are JH
went on vacation for 3 weeks, during a Christmas break in
1983. He was a challenge level square dance caller and he
was my favorite caller.
Driving towards Seattle I was thinking about how much I
would miss the dancing, we were dancing almost every day
then so this left a big gap in many lives, not just mine. I
was in Seattle, on my way to Sears when I noticed a reader
board on a paper supply house. The words on it were: I
will miss you. J H.
"I will miss you. J H"? I
stopped the car, feeling a bit disoriented. I’m thinking
about missing a man and I read a sign that he will miss me?
My thought had been answered by
words on a signboard? Obviously the JH was not the
same JH that I’d been thinking about but isn't that strange? I don’t know why my
attention went towards the reader board, I don’t read
everything that I pass by.
JH: these two letters have
first life path ‘sign’ that was created to mark it as a
path. I didn't 'think it
up'. The two letters have marked the nearly invisible path of my
personal encounter with whatever it is that is a
'mysterious' Other in our life on Earth.
It was the first ‘sign’ that I became aware of
that functioned like a road sign marking my personal path.
Its been a pathway that I've shared with various
other people whose initials are JH but it was a hidden path
until a man wrote to me that he'd read my entire web site. His initials were JH but as I
found out later he'd adopted the name John, his real name
did not begin with J.
JH was my supervisor for a time when I worked for a
bank. A shocking incident happened that caused me to leave
that job. It wasn't sexual.
A square dance
caller whose initials were JH (joined into single symbol).
He was in a strange dream
that initiated non-stop thinking late in 1981. I had never
had dreams like other people talk about. Thought about the
dream kept me awake for years, then the content of that
scrolling band of thought began to carry different content,
related to books I chanced to find in various places.
designer that used the JH on their label, joined into a single unit.
The square dance caller had apparently borrowed, or
accidentally created it as their logo. I had a passion for
that line of clothes.
A sign on a
reader-board that said" "I will
miss you." JH. I read it just when the JH in the dream had left
town for the first vacation he’d taken in 3 years !!! I had
been ruminating about how many people would miss him, I was
only one of them.
incidents happened at work in a weeks time, each
involving 3 different handsomely dressed dark haired men who
approached me in the huge building to ask me to
do something for them. It seemed unusual because there were
so many other people they could have approached.
boss at Boeing had not been honest in a certain situation
had caused me a lot of trouble, so I decided to not attend
a 10 year service awards program with him. That incident
that I didn’t go to with him resulted in his bringing the 10
year service pin to me later, in a black velvet box. When I
opened the box I felt a shock literally when I
read the imprinted name: The JH Recognition Company on the
This happened at a time when I
was curious about a strange flow of new kinds of ‘events’
that had happened at work in the fabrication division of
Boeing. I know that I laughed Peter Lorre like, hysterically
when the association formed in my mind that I was being
acknowledged for my service in what I had by that point begun to
name The Larger Domain. !
previous situations were joined together when I
recognized the first string of ‘coincidences’ that had
accumulated, built around
JH, although the word 'coincidence' did not occur to me. I just felt a bit woozy.
person in my life was named JXX H. Vxxxxx but I had not
thought about JH in relation to that person or the unusual
fact that JHV can be read front to back as JHVHJHVH. In ancient days
YHVH stood for a name. The
letter 'j' in some languages is 'y', Dutch pronunciation of
Jan is Yawn.
They each were briefly a part of my life
but these events happened at widely
different times. A connection was revealed to me that day when a function of mind, my mind
operating independently of my will united those
events into a personal string, similar to a sign along a
highway. I began to have a faint sense that some thing was
purposeful behind those events.
There was a marriage bond
with a JH. It was a real bond that happens naturally
but is not widely written about except in books that few
people read in the early 1970's but they are beginning to be
read now, 2012 in the fall. I suggest Kenneth
Kimmel's recent book, The Shattering Gaze; E. Bruce Taub-Bynum's
The Family Unconscious; Joos Meerloo's Hidden Communion;
Justice and Justice, The Abusing Family. for information
about what seems to be, non-verbal communication. It may be
chemistries we don't know about in biology.
When there was no longer any
contact with the person or situation in each incident I was
left with memory traces of very unpleasant situations that
had happened involving myself and that person. In each
situation I didn't know what had really happened, but it had
been painful, causing me to be unable to sleep, for a span of
time because thoughts kept me awake. But more to the point, I was a ‘loser’ in each event
and I left the scene under my own pressure to 'normalize' my
have been woven into my life by some faculty of mind
that selected those events and stored them vividly in my
memory on a separate track, to be used later in my life. There was obvious
foresight, that became evident, but only eventually. I think of them now, years later, as
what Emanuel Swedenborg named ‘remains’ stored up for use in
the process of regeneration, a very appropriate word to use.
C. G. Jung had several events happen in his mind before he
had lived a decade, and those events were later the
substance of his inner 'story'. Many authors begin a book by
reciting a memory of something that happened when they were
barely beyond toddler age, that influenced them to write the
book. Douglas Hofstadter's Pulitzer Prize winning Godel,
Escher, Bach begins with that kind influential memory.
There have been other
‘symbols’ on that pathway that were important, but JH is the
first one that I recognized when it showed up in one place
that was literally shocking. I read a reader board as I
drove downtown that said: "I will miss you. JH". It was
timed when the square dance caller in my dream had taken a
vacation, the first in a few years and the ‘cult-like’
devotion he inspired in his dancers at that time caused us,
especially me, to feel his absence literally in a way I had
not experienced in my past. We faced withdrawal symptoms!
I was being led into a very
specifically personalized story, created from the substance
of my every day experiences between 1982 and the present
time. A process of thought, usually
a long train of thought is always one component of any
‘event’ that has some significance to me, because I’d not
known so many events happened that shared that common
As to the contents of that thought it could only happen to
me in my personal situations that this ‘sign’ makes sense.
JH, the square dance caller and I had a very
unusual situation going on between us by that point in time and this
that I've writing now is
just a typical example of what the ‘strange thing’ was. He
was in a dream unlike any I’d ever had and after the dream,
thought about him had initiated a non-stop flow of thought
that moved through my mind day and night, never stopping so
that I could sleep. That non-stop flow of thought puzzled me
and made me extremely curious about how a short dream could
That happened in 1983, this is
December 4, 2000 and after millions of this type of ‘event’
I’ve become familiar with the ‘strange feelings’ they generated when they were a new thing. My mind
and body felt the
newness; there wasn’t any prior experience or knowledge to
understand it, so the sense of ‘no compute’ made me dizzy. I
don’t feel them anymore but I notice them sometimes when
they happen, other times, much later. I never look for them, the
recognition of a ‘coincidence’ always surprises me.
It’s easy to write about them
now that I understand what the ‘new thing’ was initiating.
My body experienced the ‘event’ when I did not know how to
explain such a strange kind of event but at times it was
extremely disorienting, dreadfully uncomfortable in my ‘head’ which I
felt as ‘dizziness’ and my body which felt queasy. Some
might use the word ‘woo woo’ to describe that kind of experience.
I didn't know anything about 'woo woo's.
What was happening when the
reader board replied to what I’d just thought? That was
only slightly different than what had begun to happen
between this man and I when I was dancing with the club!
He at times began to say
things to the group that also seemed to refer to or even answer
thought I’d had about certain unusual aspects of his
personal life and his relationship to the club. It was
strange enough when he seemed to do it, but a ‘reader board’
giving me the same kind of response? Each time he
said something to the group that I heard in this new way, I
felt a jolt, like a degree of shock.
My interest in him had nothing
to do with male/female attraction, at least not from my side
nor did I suspect it from his side either then or later.
He seemed to be extra ordinarily devoted to his wife and I
probably envied her. Something else was behind this ‘strange kind of event’.
It had never happened
to me before that a PERSON said something to a group of people of
whom I was only one, that related precisely to what I was
thinking about. But for more than a year this man had begun
to do that. A few times this man had
seemed to say something that addressed thought content that
I had never said aloud to anyone, thoughts relating to a
dream I’d had, in which this man was the primary component.
A period of time after the
dream had passed during which I couldn’t think of anything
but the dream and what it could mean. I had not said
anything to anyone about the dream so when it began to
appear to me he had responded to or made reference to
particular thoughts I had about him, using the same words he
would ordinarily have used speaking to us, there was an
affect in my body. I felt in my body and in my
head, what it feels like to be ‘at sea’ without a
lifejacket. What I needed was an explanation but it was the
same as needing a lifejacket.
The words were what he would
ordinarily have said when he to addressed the group except
for one difference. It seemed to me he glanced at me
pointedly as though he knew he was cleverly and consciously
choosing words that were words he would normally have said.
Their relevance to my unspoken thought sent an effect
through my body. I didn’t know what to think of this kind of
matching up, it had never happened before in my life. Later
I became aware that a mental process selected that content
and ‘highlighted’ it, made it stand out so that it felt
Normal doesn’t produce an
The word ‘coincidence’ did not
occur to me as a description, nor did the word ambiguity.
This man and his initials
‘stand for’ an important, even critical thread of
experience. The thread wove in and out of my ordinary daily
life events and was embedded within them, obscured except
for the ‘funny feelings’ I had when each event happened.
*** *** *** ***
In 1995 my supervisor told me
we were supposed to go to an awards breakfast where I would
receive a 10 year service pin. Because I was outraged at
some lies he’d told, which were causing me lots of problems
then, I told him I was not going to go.
A couple of days later he
handed me a black velvet jeweler’s box, like a ring box
telling me it was my 10 years service pin. I opened the box,
saw the pin with its tiny ruby then saw something printed on
the white satin lining of the box that startled me. I
thought: “THAT is IMPOSSIBLE!”
There were words imprinted on
the lining: JH RECOGNITION COMPANY. The association that
formed in my mind was generated automatically I believe now that I’ve seen
how my mind retrieves strings of memories from my past that
generate meaning and understanding of its own, when the life
is individualized. There was reason to recognize that my service date was being recognized
by another agency than my actual world employer. It made
sense to me at that point; it emphasized in a real tangible
way something that was not at all tangible or material.
After 10 years service I had
been recognized by the JH Recognition Company, an agency
that has no physical presence anywhere except in my thought.
It seemed to be there, it always seemed to be there but I
could not prove it was there.
. *** ***
This is the history of
incidents that accumulated and formed a sense that this
‘agency’ really existed:
It was February 11, 1985 that
I’d become an employee of the Boeing company but it was not
until a little more than two years later that I began to
feel a little ‘strange’ about my working at this company.
One day very soon after I had
been transferred to the 17-05 building three extremely well
suited, dark haired males approached my station. They asked
to see the supervisor of that area. I told them I would
locate him and send him to the area. The supervisor Lupe
Garcia rather officiously told me he was too busy to see
anybody now, so I returned and repeated what he’d said to
the men. They quietly informed me it was important that they
see the supervisor, they were with the FAA. Even after being
told that, Lupe said they’d have to wait in the lunchroom
until he was free. Which they did. They thanked me at great
length for my help.
A few days later three
different males, distinguished looking and well dressed and
also dark haired came to where I was working, which wasn’t
the same place I’d been when the other three men came to me.
It was a different matter, they wanted directions so I gave
them directions. They left, thanking me in what seemed to be
overgenerous gratitude for my patience and helpfulness.
Within a few days in a
different place in the building, I was approached by three
men, also very handsomely suited and dark haired, grave but
friendly and authoritative looking. They asked to borrow a
pen and something to write on, then they stood nearby
talking for some time before they came to return my pen, too
graciously thanking me for being so helpful to them.
It struck me as being odd that
within a short time three sets of men would come up to me
that way, so well dressed and distinctively authoritative
who thanked me so much for such trivial things. .
A thought occurred to me and I
laughed at it: "What am I? A contact point in this
building?" Then within a short time I was
asked if I’d like to be the focal point in the building, to
whom certain computer problems could be reported.
Somehow I felt a bit ‘strange’
because being asked to be the focal point followed closely
the rather funny instance where I’d thought "What am I? A
contact point in this building?" after three times I’d been
apparently ‘found’ by extremely unusual trios of well
dressed men. It seemed strange they had all been dark haired
and obviously possessed some authority.
An association formed in my
mind linking these strange events to a memory I have of
myself, alone in my house in my bedroom. I was feeling
extremely bad then. I sat up in my bed, looking upwards at
nobody because there wasn’t anyone there as I sobbed and
heard myself say words that I did not intended to say, nor did
I understand what they meant: "I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll
do the work. I’ll do the work."
It was not a long time before
I read a book that had a reference to ‘work done for another
level’ in it that had been authored by a man whose name I’d
not heard or read even once previously: P. D.
The main idea behind his book
was that of finding a way to ‘get’ new information. It was
news to me when I read in that book that the Greeks had made
discoveries that even in the late 1800’s were still the
foundation of all knowledge. No new ideas had been written
down since the ancient Greeks had written theirs.
P. D. Ouspensky was standing
on the threshold of non-Euclidean mathematics as well as
certain questions that were implied as he put it himself, by
the recognition that certain equations resulted in
infinities. I had no idea what he meant when I first read
Ouspensky’s book, but within 10 years I had become better
informed, not by reading books so much as from experiences
in my every day life that related quite startlingly to what
I was reading in books at the time I read them.
That was not a detail I
noticed immediately, it happened quite gradually.
By the point when I read JH
Recognition Company on my 10 years service award in 1995
there was an assembly of memories from which arose definite
reasons why I felt that I was in some capacity a focal point
for an ‘agency’ that was not physically present on Earth.
An agency that knew where on
Earth I was and what I was doing at any given moment, and it
had a ‘voice’ that it was creating, using words that
ordinarily people use when they are to talking to me.
It would not have been as
strange if the ‘voice’ had used only the words other people
say; that was in itself a shocking thing when it began. But
when I heard words that objects that use words say in that
way, I felt confusion, dizziness and wondered why.
There were times when I heard
myself say things I’d not intended to say, and wondered
about that only after a period of time that was not months
but years had passed!
I was at that point in 1995,
standing on the threshold of a change, although to me it was
the return of a pattern, one that I had some sense of having
experienced previously in my home and situations with my
family. It was possible to recognize the ‘return of the
past’ at work, in my job because this new stage followed a pattern that I had
become familiar with.
This new stage was marked by
references to ‘the next generation’ that were actually
derived from a new generation of airplanes. It
began with reading a book in 1995 that actually described
how all of the ‘strangeness’ with JH, and not just his
initials man had begun. The process itself had begun when
the dream about this man forced me to begin to give
attention to my own mind, thought, unexplainable effects
that I experienced in my body.
His initials linked him to
another experience I’d had about 15 years previously, where
essentially the same kind of situation had happened. I had
felt speechless, misinterpreted and could not say anything
that would clarify the situation in that other event. Now I
felt the same sense of being speechless in this relationship
to a man that I felt misunderstood me. I felt an agony that
seemed unexplainable and a curiosity that I’d never felt to
that degree in the past.
When I read the first page of
Life Against Death by Norman O. Brown I read a description
of how Freud had ‘discovered’ psychiatry. I’d had
experiences by then, that caused me to understand what I
read. He had ‘discovered’ there is meaning behind ‘every day
pathology and that was new information to me. I was
astonished to read that he had become aware there is meaning
hidden in dreams, meaning in offhand remarks people make, in
jokes they tell, in mistakes they make, and in what he
called ‘every day pathology’ such as ‘forgetting’. I had not
known that was how Freud had ‘discovered’ psychiatry but I
did recognize that was exactly what had happened to me
between 1982 and 1989! By 1989 I knew that I had
‘discovered’ independently of C. G. Jung the very same thing
he had named ‘synchronicity’! However the word first came to
me in a book by F. David Peat who wrote about quantum
physics, not a process of individualizing a life! Freud had
actually discovered the same ‘thing’, but not to the
‘depths’ that Jung had.
Thus reading about how Freud
‘discovered’ psychiatry, and consciously understanding what
every day pathology is from my own experiences between 1982
and 1989, I read words that described what I had done myself
and I had been ‘led’ carefully all along that path by the
‘thing itself’, whatever ‘it’ is.
I had either ‘re-discovered’
by the same exact process what Freud had discovered without
knowing anything about his process of discovery OR and this
is more likely true: I had acquired from someone else I
lived intimately with, the mechanisms of mind that generate
the ‘voice’ that the person I shared a mindset with after
1984 in a surprising marital bond had failed to recognize
himself, because I had experienced that some, probably not
all males naturally possess that mechanism of mind.
There was a factor about
‘projection’ that I had learned about that is not easy to
detect or explain to anyone else. In my marital bond it was
a shared mind situation from the moment we met. But the man
in the dream as I found out as time passed was
living at the time a life that was basically a mirror image
of my own, as I eventually recognized. The genders were
reversed but this couple were a mirror held up, to look at,
and they were at that point in the same flow of events I was
feeling as effects on my body.
Narcissus saw his own image in
the water but could not recognize it was his own image. A
female echoed the last words he said. That myth was actually
my life situation, not only as an individual female but as
THE female in ‘man’ whose real life has never been
Believing as he did that what
goes on in his head is generated by himself but can be
‘about’ someone else in this very specific situation is
almost impossible to describe as a barrier between males and
females, but history itself, all of it can be ‘downloaded’,
as happened to me in my marital bond.
There was a background from
which an idea arose that I had begun to become an on the
scene reporter of sorts. The three men did not apparently single
me out, yet I felt ‘singled’. There were ‘strange events’
that had happened that could make me believe I had been
placed at this company for reasons I didn’t yet understand,
but that from the moment I was born, I was aimed towards the
point where I would begin to understand I had been intended to be
Whatever ‘agency’ I was
reporting to, they had sent me a recognition of my work, in
a way that nobody but me would ever be able to understand,
irregardless of how absurd the reasoning might seem to
That is what is agonizingly
frustrating, it’s so specific and unmistakable to me but
very likely I could never explain any of the ‘work’ for which
I was recognized so strangely, to anyone else. It had begun before I was an
employee of this company.
In particular I remembered
something that had happened when I went to Boeing to ask for
an application for employment.
The receptionist told me there
were no openings so they were not giving anyone
applications. I turned to walk out but as I walked to the
door I saw a sign on the wall, read it and went back to the
receptionist. I said something to her but I don’t remember what
it was. She handed me an application which I took home and
filled out, then handed in.
It was several years later
that I wondered to myself what was on the sign I’d read and
what I had said to cause an application to be handed to me,
much to the surprise of many people who told me they had not
managed to get one.
A couple of weeks later I was
called to take a typing test. I felt like I did
very poorly on it so I left because a woman told me it was
possible to ask for a re-test and that was what I intended
to do. When I called to reschedule I was asked where I’d
gone before I’d been given my test results. I
explained I’d made too many mistakes and I wanted to do the
test again. The woman told me I had made mistakes but my
speed was good enough that I still exceeded the required
speed. I was told to schedule a medical examination, which
she told me meant I was almost certainly going to be offered
a job sooner or later. "If you’ve gotten this far, you’re
going to work for Boeing." She said.
In addition to these seemingly
ordinary circumstances I’d had thoughts occur to me several
times between 1982 and 1985 that "I am getting ready for my
job at Boeing." I was not having an easy time when those
thoughts occurred to me. Everything that had been easy for
me to do was difficult. I was in misery of a kind I had not
ever experienced in my life. I was having all sorts of
problems in every possible area of my life as well as in my
body and in my ‘head’.
It had not really occurred to
me to single Boeing out because at that time I had not
thought about getting a job,
The initials JH belong to two
men I’ve known, each of whom triggered a particular
experience in each case where I became aware of being
speechless, unable to correct an assumption that I thought
each man had, but which I knew was not accurate. My
children’s father’s initials are JHV, and that is the really
critical fact, although how his initials connected to other
JH’s I’ve known is not a simple thing to try to explain. I
was surprised almost into a stupor when it was made evident
the JH’s were connected to him, and to another JH, who can
be thought of as YHVH.
The JH incidents happened
prior to my getting a job at Boeing. In the first one, my
husband had gotten laid off at Lockheed so I looked for a
job and found one right away at NB of C in Seattle , in the
Bankamericard bookkeeping department.
John Heinrich was
my supervisor in a job during six months of early 1970. He
did something one day that triggered a response in me, so
that I stuttered and shook helplessly when he was around. He
seemed to want to make up for what he’s done so
he came to me often at work. I literally could not say
anything, my teeth chattered, my body shook for reasons I
didn’t understand I had not had the required
physical before coming to work so when he noticed that, I had
to leave work to get it done. When he got the report he
called me into his office and without greeting me, he said:
"Why didn’t you tell us that you can die at any minute,
because you have a potentially fatal heart condition?"
After I recovered some composure I told him it was
not likely to be fatal, it was a premature heart beat that
was once considered dangerous but was no longer anything to
concerned about. I had to get a statement from our family
physician (Dr. Norman Bates) before returning to work.
When that JH came to meat work,
usually to chat about problems in the office (we certainly
had some bad ones then)I began to stutter, that got worse,
so bad I could not say a word because my teeth chattered so.
He was sympathetic and when I gave two weeks notice he
asked me several times to be patient, the troubles we
were having were going to be resolved and that I was an
excellent worker and the bank would be ‘good’ to me. The pay
raises were ridiculously low. I was angry about the work I
did and how little they paid.
Jack Hardin was a challenge
level square-dance caller that I loved, but it was not a
romantic love and but it seemed to me he thought it was more
than a desire to see the club thrive and grow.
I remembered vividly afterwards that I'd felt
misunderstood in the other situation too. I became very
concerned when I realized I was misunderstood and felt so
literally there were reasons that what I needed to say could not be said.
I felt a painful pity and a sense of unbearable grief about
felt terrible body discomfort about being ‘speechless’.
The first day that I reported
for orientation at Boeing was 2-11-85. I drove a 1979 red
Datsun license tabbed ETW 651 that day and I joined a union
for the first time in my life, IAM Lodge #751.
I saw the model of the Greek
letter pi for the first time that day. Also I realized that a man I’d known but not very well,
had formed or tried to form an elite square dance club based
on the Boeing company’s awards logo: PIE or Pride in
Excellence. He’d worked for Boeing but technology
outdistanced his capabilities so he was laid off. A few
conversations between us had the same significance as these
JH markers. He had told me something I would not have
noticed myself, he was determined to go through the 7 levels
of square dancing and there was a problem that we were all
feeling very strongly involved in. There were not enough
capable, interested dancers in the area. The one promising
caller has a personality that discouraged the dancers that
began lessons in September so that they didn’t complete
them. Or if they did, they were basically not capable of
learning the higher levels, where gender roles were removed.
That made square dancing which was supposed to be fun, no
longer fun to almost every one but the few of
us who were thrilled when we managed to dance well, as a
unit not 8 individuals.
That happened rarely but it
"We live a double life whether we know it or not. We
live our own life and we live the life of our time."
Laurens van der Post