JH

November 30-2000 Build ye up sign posts along the way.

A man whose initials are JH went on vacation for 3 weeks, during a Christmas break in 1983. He was a challenge level square dance caller and he was my favorite caller. Driving towards Seattle I was thinking about how much I would miss the dancing, we were dancing almost every day then so this left a big gap in many lives, not just mine. I was in Seattle, on my way to Sears when I noticed a reader board on a paper supply house. The words on it were: I will miss you. J H.

 

"I will miss you. J H"? I stopped the car, feeling a bit disoriented. I’m thinking about missing a man and I read a sign that he will miss me?   My thought had been answered by words on a signboard? Obviously the JH was not the same JH that I’d been thinking about but isn't that strange?  I don’t know why my attention went towards the reader board, I don’t read everything that I pass by.

 

 

JH: these two letters have been the first life path ‘sign’ that was created to mark it as a path. I didn't 'think it up'. The two letters have marked the nearly invisible path of my personal encounter with whatever it is that is a 'mysterious' Other in our life on Earth.

 

It was the first ‘sign’ that I became aware of that functioned like a road sign marking my personal path. Its been a pathway  that I've shared with various other people whose initials are JH but it was a hidden path until a man wrote to me that he'd read my entire web site. His initials were JH but as I found out later he'd adopted the name John, his real name did not begin with J.

 

 

1. JH was my supervisor for a time when I worked for a bank. A shocking incident happened that caused me to leave that job. It wasn't sexual.

 

2. A square dance caller whose initials were JH (joined into single symbol). He was in a strange dream that initiated non-stop thinking late in 1981. I had never had dreams like other people talk about. Thought about the dream kept me awake for years, then the content of that scrolling band of thought began to carry different content, related to books I chanced to find in various places.

 

3. A clothing designer that used the JH on their label, joined into a single unit. The square dance caller had apparently borrowed, or accidentally created it as their logo. I had a passion for that line of clothes.

 

4.  A sign on a reader-board that said" "I will miss you." JH. I read it just when the JH in the dream had left town for the first vacation he’d taken in 3 years !!! I had been ruminating about how many people would miss him, I was only one of them.

 

 

5.  Three incidents happened at work in a weeks time, each involving 3 different handsomely dressed dark haired men who approached me in the huge building to ask me to do something for them. It seemed unusual because there were so many other people they  could have approached.  

 

 

6.  My boss at Boeing  had not been honest in a certain situation that had caused me a lot of trouble, so I decided to not attend a 10 year service awards program with him. That incident that I didn’t go to with him resulted in his bringing the 10 year service pin to me later, in a black velvet box. When I opened the box I felt a shock literally when I read the imprinted name: The JH Recognition Company on the box!

 

This happened at a time when I was curious about a strange flow of new kinds of ‘events’ that had happened at work in the fabrication division of Boeing. I know that I laughed Peter Lorre like, hysterically when the association formed in my mind that I was being acknowledged for my service in what I had by that point begun to name The Larger Domain. ! 

 

 

7.The previous situations were joined together when I recognized the first string of ‘coincidences’ that had accumulated, built around JH, although the word 'coincidence' did not occur to me. I just felt a bit woozy.

 

8. An important person in my life was named JXX H. Vxxxxx but I had not thought about JH in relation to that person or the unusual fact that JHV can be read front to back as JHVHJHVH. In ancient days YHVH stood for a name. The letter 'j' in some languages is 'y', Dutch pronunciation of Jan is Yawn.

 

They each  were briefly a part of my life but these events happened at widely different times. A connection was revealed to me that day when a function of mind, my mind operating independently of my will  united those events into a personal string,  similar to a sign along a highway. I began to have a faint sense that some thing was purposeful behind those events.

 

 

There was a marriage bond with a JH. It was a real bond that happens  naturally but is not widely written about except in books that few people read in the early 1970's but they are beginning to be read now, 2012 in the fall.  I suggest Kenneth Kimmel's recent book, The Shattering Gaze; E. Bruce Taub-Bynum's The Family Unconscious; Joos Meerloo's Hidden Communion; Justice and Justice, The Abusing Family. for information about what seems to be, non-verbal communication. It may be chemistries we don't  know about in biology.

 

When there was no longer any contact with the person or situation in each incident I was left with memory traces of very unpleasant situations that had happened involving myself and that person. In each situation I didn't know what had really happened, but it had been painful, causing me to be unable to sleep, for a span of time because thoughts kept me awake. But more to the point, I was a ‘loser’ in each event and I left the scene under my own pressure to 'normalize' my life.

 

These incidents have been woven into my life by some faculty of mind that selected those events and stored them vividly in my memory on a separate track, to be used later in my life. There was obvious foresight, that became evident, but only eventually. I think of them now, years later, as what Emanuel Swedenborg named ‘remains’ stored up for use in the process of regeneration, a very appropriate word to use. C. G. Jung had several events happen in his mind before he had lived a decade, and those events were later the substance of his inner 'story'. Many authors begin a book by reciting a memory of something that happened when they were barely beyond toddler age, that influenced them to write the book. Douglas Hofstadter's Pulitzer Prize winning Godel, Escher, Bach begins with that kind influential memory.

 

There have been other ‘symbols’ on that pathway that were important, but JH is the first one that I recognized when it showed up in one place that was literally shocking. I read a reader board as I drove downtown that said: "I will miss you. JH". It was timed when the square dance caller in my dream had taken a vacation, the first in a few years and the ‘cult-like’ devotion he inspired in his dancers at that time caused us, especially me, to feel his absence literally in a way I had not experienced in my past. We faced withdrawal symptoms!

 

I was being led into a very specifically personalized story, created from the substance of my every day experiences between 1982 and the present time.  A process of thought, usually a long train of thought is always one component of any ‘event’ that has some significance to me, because I’d not known so many events happened that shared that common denominator: JH. As to the contents of that thought it could only happen to me in my personal situations that this ‘sign’ makes sense.

 

** ** ** **

***

 

JH, the square dance caller and I had a very unusual situation going on between us by that point in time and this that I've writing now is just a typical example of what the ‘strange thing’ was. He was in a dream unlike any I’d ever had and after the dream, thought about him had initiated a non-stop flow of thought that moved through my mind day and night, never stopping so that I could sleep. That non-stop flow of thought puzzled me and made me extremely curious about how a short dream could produce it.

 

That happened in 1983, this is December 4, 2000 and after millions of this type of ‘event’ I’ve become familiar with the ‘strange feelings’ they generated when they were a new thing. My mind and body felt the newness; there wasn’t any prior experience or knowledge to understand it, so the sense of ‘no compute’ made me dizzy. I don’t feel them anymore but I notice them sometimes when they happen, other times, much later.  I never look for them, the recognition of a ‘coincidence’ always surprises me.

 

It’s easy to write about them now that I understand what the ‘new thing’ was initiating. My body experienced the ‘event’ when I did not know how to explain such a strange kind of event but at times it was extremely disorienting, dreadfully uncomfortable in my ‘head’ which I felt as ‘dizziness’ and my body which felt queasy. Some might use the word ‘woo woo’ to describe that kind of experience. I didn't know anything about 'woo woo's.

 

 

What was happening when the reader board replied to what I’d just thought? That was only slightly different than what had begun to happen between this man and I when I was dancing with the club! He at times began to say things to the group that also seemed to refer to or even answer thought I’d had about certain unusual aspects of his personal life and his relationship to the club. It was strange enough when he seemed to do it, but a ‘reader board’ giving me the same kind of response? Each time he said something to the group that I heard in this new way, I felt a jolt, like a degree of shock.

 

My interest in him had nothing to do with male/female attraction, at least not from my side nor did I suspect it from his side either then or later. He seemed to be extra ordinarily devoted to his wife and I probably envied her. Something else was behind this ‘strange kind of event’.

 

It had never happened to me before that a PERSON said something to a group of people of whom I was only one, that related precisely to what I was thinking about. But for more than a year this man had begun to do that. A few times this man had seemed to say something that addressed thought content that I had never said aloud to anyone, thoughts relating to a dream I’d had, in which this man was the primary component.

 

A period of time after the dream had passed during which I couldn’t think of anything but the dream and what it could mean. I had not said anything to anyone about the dream so when it began to appear to me he had responded to or made reference to particular thoughts I had about him, using the same words he would ordinarily have used speaking to us, there was an affect in my body. I felt in my body and in my head, what it feels like to be ‘at sea’ without a lifejacket. What I needed was an explanation but it was the same as needing a lifejacket.

 

The words were what he would ordinarily have said when he to addressed the group except for one difference. It seemed to me he glanced at me pointedly as though he knew he was cleverly and consciously choosing words that were words he would normally have said. Their relevance to my unspoken thought sent an effect through my body. I didn’t know what to think of this kind of matching up, it had never happened before in my life. Later I became aware that a mental process selected that content and ‘highlighted’ it, made it stand out so that it felt different.

 

Normal doesn’t produce an ‘effect’.

 

The word ‘coincidence’ did not occur to me as a description, nor did the word ambiguity.

 

This man and his initials ‘stand for’ an important, even critical thread of experience. The thread wove in and out of my ordinary daily life events and was embedded within them, obscured except for the ‘funny feelings’ I had when each event happened.

 

*** *** *** ***

 

In 1995 my supervisor told me we were supposed to go to an awards breakfast where I would receive a 10 year service pin. Because I was outraged at some lies he’d told, which were causing me lots of problems then, I told him I was not going to go.

 

A couple of days later he handed me a black velvet jeweler’s box, like a ring box telling me it was my 10 years service pin. I opened the box, saw the pin with its tiny ruby then saw something printed on the white satin lining of the box that startled me. I thought: “THAT is IMPOSSIBLE!”

 

There were words imprinted on the lining: JH RECOGNITION COMPANY. The association that formed in my mind was generated automatically I believe now that I’ve seen how my mind retrieves strings of memories from my past that generate meaning and understanding of its own, when the life is individualized. There was reason to recognize that my service date was being recognized by another agency than my actual world employer. It made sense to me at that point; it emphasized in a real tangible way something that was not at all tangible or material.

 

After 10 years service I had been recognized by the JH Recognition Company, an agency that has no physical presence anywhere except in my thought. It seemed to be there, it always seemed to be there but I could not prove it was there.

. *** ***

This is the history of incidents that accumulated and formed a sense that this ‘agency’ really existed:

 

It was February 11, 1985 that I’d become an employee of the Boeing company but it was not until a little more than two years later that I began to feel a little ‘strange’ about my working at this company.

 

One day very soon after I had been transferred to the 17-05 building three extremely well suited, dark haired males approached my station. They asked to see the supervisor of that area. I told them I would locate him and send him to the area. The supervisor Lupe Garcia rather officiously told me he was too busy to see anybody now, so I returned and repeated what he’d said to the men. They quietly informed me it was important that they see the supervisor, they were with the FAA. Even after being told that, Lupe said they’d have to wait in the lunchroom until he was free. Which they did. They thanked me at great length for my help.

 

A few days later three different males, distinguished looking and well dressed and also dark haired came to where I was working, which wasn’t the same place I’d been when the other three men came to me. It was a different matter, they wanted directions so I gave them directions. They left, thanking me in what seemed to be overgenerous gratitude for my patience and helpfulness.

 

Within a few days in a different place in the building, I was approached by three men, also very handsomely suited and dark haired, grave but friendly and authoritative looking. They asked to borrow a pen and something to write on, then they stood nearby talking for some time before they came to return my pen, too graciously thanking me for being so helpful to them.

It struck me as being odd that within a short time three sets of men would come up to me that way, so well dressed and distinctively authoritative who thanked me so much for such trivial things. .

 

A thought occurred to me and I laughed at it: "What am I? A contact point in this building?" Then within a short time I was asked if I’d like to be the focal point in the building, to whom certain computer problems could be reported.

 

Somehow I felt a bit ‘strange’ because being asked to be the focal point followed closely the rather funny instance where I’d thought "What am I? A contact point in this building?" after three times I’d been apparently ‘found’ by extremely unusual trios of well dressed men. It seemed strange they had all been dark haired and obviously possessed some authority.

 

An association formed in my mind linking these strange events to a memory I have of myself, alone in my house in my bedroom. I was feeling extremely bad then. I sat up in my bed, looking upwards at nobody because there wasn’t anyone there as I sobbed and heard myself say words that I did not intended to say, nor did I understand what they meant: "I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do the work. I’ll do the work."
 

 

It was not a long time before I read a book that had a reference to ‘work done for another level’ in it that had been authored by a man whose name I’d not heard or read even once previously: P. D. Ouspensky

 

The main idea behind his book was that of finding a way to ‘get’ new information. It was news to me when I read in that book that the Greeks had made discoveries that even in the late 1800’s were still the foundation of all knowledge. No new ideas had been written down since the ancient Greeks had written theirs.

 

P. D. Ouspensky was standing on the threshold of non-Euclidean mathematics as well as certain questions that were implied as he put it himself, by the recognition that certain equations resulted in infinities. I had no idea what he meant when I first read Ouspensky’s book, but within 10 years I had become better informed, not by reading books so much as from experiences in my every day life that related quite startlingly to what I was reading in books at the time I read them.

 

That was not a detail I noticed immediately, it happened quite gradually.

 

**********

 

By the point when I read JH Recognition Company on my 10 years service award in 1995 there was an assembly of memories from which arose definite reasons why I felt that I was in some capacity a focal point for an ‘agency’ that was not physically present on Earth.

 

An agency that knew where on Earth I was and what I was doing at any given moment, and it had a ‘voice’ that it was creating, using words that ordinarily people use when they are to talking to me.

 

It would not have been as strange if the ‘voice’ had used only the words other people say; that was in itself a shocking thing when it began. But when I heard words that objects that use words say in that way, I felt confusion, dizziness and wondered why.

 

There were times when I heard myself say things I’d not intended to say, and wondered about that only after a period of time that was not months but years had passed!

 

I was at that point in 1995, standing on the threshold of a change, although to me it was the return of a pattern, one that I had some sense of having experienced previously in my home and situations with my family. It was possible to recognize the ‘return of the past’ at work, in my job because this new stage followed a pattern that I had become familiar with.

 

This new stage was marked by references to ‘the next generation’ that were actually derived from a new generation of airplanes. It began with reading a book in 1995 that actually described how all of the ‘strangeness’ with JH, and not just his initials man had begun. The process itself had begun when the dream about this man forced me to begin to give attention to my own mind, thought, unexplainable effects that I experienced in my body.

 

His initials linked him to another experience I’d had about 15 years previously, where essentially the same kind of situation had happened. I had felt speechless, misinterpreted and could not say anything that would clarify the situation in that other event. Now I felt the same sense of being speechless in this relationship to a man that I felt misunderstood me. I felt an agony that seemed unexplainable and a curiosity that I’d never felt to that degree in the past.

 

When I read the first page of Life Against Death by Norman O. Brown I read a description of how Freud had ‘discovered’ psychiatry. I’d had experiences by then, that caused me to understand what I read. He had ‘discovered’ there is meaning behind ‘every day pathology and that was new information to me. I was astonished to read that he had become aware there is meaning hidden in dreams, meaning in offhand remarks people make, in jokes they tell, in mistakes they make, and in what he called ‘every day pathology’ such as ‘forgetting’. I had not known that was how Freud had ‘discovered’ psychiatry but I did recognize that was exactly what had happened to me between 1982 and 1989! By 1989 I knew that I had ‘discovered’ independently of C. G. Jung the very same thing he had named ‘synchronicity’! However the word first came to me in a book by F. David Peat who wrote about quantum physics, not a process of individualizing a life! Freud had actually discovered the same ‘thing’, but not to the ‘depths’ that Jung had.

 

Thus reading about how Freud ‘discovered’ psychiatry, and consciously understanding what every day pathology is from my own experiences between 1982 and 1989, I read words that described what I had done myself and I had been ‘led’ carefully all along that path by the ‘thing itself’, whatever ‘it’ is.

 

I had either ‘re-discovered’ by the same exact process what Freud had discovered without knowing anything about his process of discovery OR and this is more likely true: I had acquired from someone else I lived intimately with, the mechanisms of mind that generate the ‘voice’ that the person I shared a mindset with after 1984 in a surprising marital bond had failed to recognize himself, because I had experienced that some, probably not all males naturally possess that mechanism of mind.

 

There was a factor about ‘projection’ that I had learned about that is not easy to detect or explain to anyone else. In my marital bond it was a shared mind situation from the moment we met. But the man in the dream as I found out as time passed was living at the time a life that was basically a mirror image of my own, as I eventually recognized. The genders were reversed but this couple were a mirror held up, to look at, and they were at that point in the same flow of events I was feeling as effects on my body.

 

Narcissus saw his own image in the water but could not recognize it was his own image. A female echoed the last words he said. That myth was actually my life situation, not only as an individual female but as THE female in ‘man’ whose real life has never been described.

 

Believing as he did that what goes on in his head is generated by himself but can be ‘about’ someone else in this very specific situation is almost impossible to describe as a barrier between males and females, but history itself, all of it can be ‘downloaded’, as happened to me in my marital bond.

 

 

******* *********

 

There was a background from which an idea arose that I had begun to become an on the scene reporter of sorts. The three men did not apparently single me out, yet I felt ‘singled’. There were ‘strange events’ that had happened that could make me believe I had been placed at this company for reasons I didn’t yet understand, but that from the moment I was born, I was aimed towards the point where I would begin to understand I had been intended to be here.

 

Whatever ‘agency’ I was reporting to, they had sent me a recognition of my work, in a way that nobody but me would ever be able to understand, irregardless of how absurd the reasoning might seem to someone else.

 

That is what is agonizingly frustrating, it’s so specific and unmistakable to me but very likely I could never explain any of the ‘work’ for which I was recognized so strangely, to anyone else. It had begun before I was an employee of this company.

 

In particular I remembered something that had happened when I went to Boeing to ask for an application for employment.

 

The receptionist told me there were no openings so they were not giving anyone applications. I turned to walk out but as I walked to the door I saw a sign on the wall, read it and went back to the receptionist. I said something to her but I don’t remember what it was. She handed me an application which I took home and filled out, then handed in.

 

It was several years later that I wondered to myself what was on the sign I’d read and what I had said to cause an application to be handed to me, much to the surprise of many people who told me they had not managed to get one.

 

A couple of weeks later I was called to take a typing test. I felt like I did very poorly on it so I left because a woman told me it was possible to ask for a re-test and that was what I intended to do. When I called to reschedule I was asked where I’d gone before I’d been given my test results. I explained I’d made too many mistakes and I wanted to do the test again. The woman told me I had made mistakes but my speed was good enough that I still exceeded the required speed. I was told to schedule a medical examination, which she told me meant I was almost certainly going to be offered a job sooner or later. "If you’ve gotten this far, you’re going to work for Boeing." She said.

 

In addition to these seemingly ordinary circumstances I’d had thoughts occur to me several times between 1982 and 1985 that "I am getting ready for my job at Boeing." I was not having an easy time when those thoughts occurred to me. Everything that had been easy for me to do was difficult. I was in misery of a kind I had not ever experienced in my life. I was having all sorts of problems in every possible area of my life as well as in my body and in my ‘head’.

 

It had not really occurred to me to single Boeing out because at that time I had not thought about getting a job,

 

JH

 

The initials JH belong to two men I’ve known, each of whom triggered a particular experience in each case where I became aware of being speechless, unable to correct an assumption that I thought each man had, but which I knew was not accurate. My children’s father’s initials are JHV, and that is the really critical fact, although how his initials connected to other JH’s I’ve known is not a simple thing to try to explain. I was surprised almost into a stupor when it was made evident the JH’s were connected to him, and to another JH, who can be thought of as YHVH.

 

The JH incidents happened prior to my getting a job at Boeing. In the first one, my husband had gotten laid off at Lockheed so I looked for a job and found one right away at NB of C in Seattle , in the Bankamericard bookkeeping department.

John Heinrich was my supervisor in a job during six months of early 1970. He did something one day that triggered a response in me, so that I stuttered and shook helplessly when he was around. He seemed to want to make up for what he’s done so he came to me often at work. I literally could not say anything, my teeth chattered, my body shook for reasons I didn’t understand I had not had the required physical before coming to work so when he noticed that, I had to leave work to get it done. When he got the report he called me into his office and without greeting me, he said: "Why didn’t you tell us that you can die at any minute, because you have a potentially fatal heart condition?" After I recovered some composure I told him it was not likely to be fatal, it was a premature heart beat that was once considered dangerous but was no longer anything to concerned about. I had to get a statement from our family physician (Dr. Norman Bates) before returning to work.

 

When that JH came to meat work, usually to chat about problems in the office (we certainly had some bad ones then)I began to stutter, that got worse, so bad I could not say a word because my teeth chattered so. He was sympathetic and when I gave two weeks notice he asked me several times to be patient, the troubles we were having were going to be resolved and that I was an excellent worker and the bank would be ‘good’ to me. The pay raises were ridiculously low. I was angry about the work I did and how little they paid.

 

Jack Hardin was a challenge level square-dance caller that I loved, but it was not a romantic love and but it seemed to me he thought it was more than a desire to see the club thrive and grow. I remembered vividly afterwards that I'd felt misunderstood in the other situation too. I became very concerned when I realized I was misunderstood and felt so literally there were reasons that what I needed to say could not be said. I felt a painful pity and a sense of unbearable grief about him.  I felt terrible body discomfort about being ‘speechless’.

 

The first day that I reported for orientation at Boeing was 2-11-85. I drove a 1979 red Datsun license tabbed ETW 651 that day and I joined a union for the first time in my life, IAM Lodge #751.

 

I saw the model of the Greek letter pi for the first time that day. Also I realized that a man I’d known but not very well, had formed or tried to form an elite square dance club based on the Boeing company’s awards logo: PIE or Pride in Excellence. He’d worked for Boeing but technology outdistanced his capabilities so he was laid off. A few conversations between us had the same significance as these JH markers. He had told me something I would not have noticed myself, he was determined to go through the 7 levels of square dancing and there was a problem that we were all feeling very strongly involved in. There were not enough capable, interested dancers in the area. The one promising caller has a personality that discouraged the dancers that began lessons in September so that they didn’t complete them. Or if they did, they were basically not capable of learning the higher levels, where gender roles were removed. That made square dancing which was supposed to be fun, no longer fun to almost every one but the few of us who were thrilled when we managed to dance well, as a unit not 8 individuals.

That happened rarely but it was entrancing.

"We live a double life whether we know it or not. We live our own life and we live the life of our time." Laurens van der Post