"When it came, it did not come as it was expected to come."
This site is about an experience I've had in 1984 and ever since 1984, that has brought me into contact with an intelligence that taught me new ways to relate to the events in my life and also to understand what my life on Earth has been, really. Within 4 years after 1984 I had become aware this kind of experience is very common, in fact I noticed some of the attributes of it when I was a young girl in the 1940's because it's a pattern. I became aware of a purposeful intelligence at work behind certain events in my life (only a few events, considering how many moments I've lived), that were made distinct and noticeable in a particular way because they flashed into my mind apparently randomly throughout my life.
I became aware of this intelligence without knowing anything about it although I became aware from the experience itself, that C. G. Jung's term for it, 'meaningful coincidence' or 'synchronicity' was not the only words that have been used by others in other times to describe this flow of events. I became aware that certain symptoms of so called mental disorders are in fact the same experience C. G. Jung wrote about as a process of individuation. I knew nothing of C. G. Jung or his work, but I had a name only familiarity with Sigmund Freud's ideas. Many experiences happened in my actual life before I began to read books that ordinarily I would not have chosen to read. It's only recently that I can recognize that I experienced a slow process of being 'waked up', i.e. I noticed certain habits of mine and certain re-occurring thought/memory events, during 9 years prior to 1984 and that those were critical years.
Nor do individuals who are aware of C. G. Jung's ideas about a process of individuation know that the same process and personalized life experiences are the foundation of Emanuel Swedenborg's Writings. His terms are different of course but he used several terms that are literally accurate: regeneration, double thought , the literal sense and the internal sense, although he applied them only to stories in the Bible. There was a 'literal sense' but a hidden internal sense, one that related to history as well as to 'symbolically conveyed ideas'.
It has been my experience to recognize that Mr. Swedenborg's idea about 'symbolic correspondences' are different ways to describe 'meaningful coincidence' or synchronicity, these are C. G. Jung's terms.
My personal discovery or the recognition that 'ideas of reference/thought broadcasting' are the same experience Jung described with different names came about through noticing that thought in my mind, generated by every day activities was being 'replayed' back, in a flash of time. That recognition so rapidly occurring at the end of each thought event is not written down anywhere that I have read, is not known. I don't know when it began but it was introduced gradually and this change was only one facet of a pattern that eventually overlaid every aspect of my habits and understanding. I noticed a change in how lights at night seemed to be eye-like . paired until I looked carefully and they were not different than usual.
And this 'replay' of content turned around towards me, as though a person was speaking to me. It was not easy to identify this 'replay', it began to become evident over a period of time between 1984 and 1987. It was an unusual 'coincidence' that I learned to understand in a new way the titles of books such as Replay by Ken Grimwood (?), and Listening With The Third Ear by Theodore Reik. A distinct change altered the words in the titles of books but this same change altered everything for a time. When I read 'Listening With The Third Ear' by Theodore Reik I was actually beginning to hear with the third ear, but it is connected to a particular kind of sight also, inner sight. Theodore Reik's books have been especially important to me, as though he left work unfinished that could not be accomplished in his time but left a thread dangling in time. His obsession with Goethe put him in a unique circumstance, in my opinion since Goethe is cited as being a very unique individual. The titles of books as well as their content affected me very strangely for a few years, between 1983 and 1987. After that period I began to recognize certain mechanisms of mind and their workings, that altered my thought and what I read. ----There was a process of 'abstraction' going on, lifting out certain words, ideas and overall generalized content and turning that content around so that it seemed to be spoken to me the way a person would speak to me. The words created a conversation, the overall generalized content built up a body of information about a specific idea that grew from nothing into a clear answer to something I'd read when I was in my twenties that had been embedded in a book. It was a hint that there is a 'secret' about the 'it' i.e. the insane, just around the corner, just out of sight. The book is Thornton Wilder's slender but powerful novel, The Bridge Of San Luis Rey.
Recognizing how this experience was describing itself, and describing what was going on in my life almost certainly happened due to my lack of knowledge about history. I knew nothing that most people learn in higher education and sometimes from going into therapy.
My personal discovery of ideas that are already well known, but in my opinion that are incompletely understood was the result of my becoming aware of a careful flow of very strange experiences that I did not think of as 'coincidences' and of books that I chanced to find here and there, non-fictional books that I'd never found interesting but which at this point I felt compelled to read. Then I began to notice that each book fitted with the next one as though they were somehow one but I could not explain to myself how such continuity could happen. It seemed to me I should write a book about my experiences but the next book I read was the book I would like to have written. There was nothing mystical or magical at first because it all began in my actual life, before the books and strangely electrified words in them began to affect me.
The first 'shocking event' happened when I read a few paragraphs in a pretty book, The Weaver of Dreams written by Myrtle Reed in 1910, that I'd found in a used book store. The sky blue binding and gilt embossing on the spine caught my eye, but it was almost at eye level. I felt something I could not name when I read on page 175 these words: "I don't believe it is possible to live with other people and not absorb something from their ways of thinking and manner of expressing themselves. Moreover Aunt Cynthia has a very penetrating personality."
"All strong natures have. Some people are shaped wholly by their environment as plastic material conforms to the receptacle in which it is places. Others mold their environment to meet the demands of individuality. ....From mysterious sources we draw to ourselves that which we require or expect. If a tree may lift into it's trunk the materials for sap and fibre, why should not thought, which is the most wonderful and powerful of forces bring harmony into one's daily life, if not the absolute control of circumstances? "
When I read these few paragraphs the words affected my body in a way I could not define or describe. I couldn't use words that describe and define 'intangibles' such as feelings and emotional impact. I didn't know that about myself, it was a slow process of discovery that taught me about my lack of ability to describe non-material experiences and objects, such as patterns and symbolic representations.
I became aware it was not a random accidental flow after three years approximately, when I recognized a continual 'referencing' in my thought , of a few memories from my past that had re-occurred into my mind for no reason I could understand. These few memories are specific, and it is impossible to understand much about my personalized experience without knowing the content of many of them. The Moebius band was one of them, certain patterns that I recognized in the 'times tables' when I was less than 13 years old is one of them, but a certain 'impulse' generated those memories. It is that one impulse and it's complete isolation from other impulses that I had to become aware of, because I learned from it and not from a person whatever was the content of those 're-generated' memories that took a few decades to mark themselves by their unaccountable re-generation or re-occurrence into my thought.
It was a long painful flow that involved every part of my life, to be led to recognize that these 'symptoms' are names for certain kinds of experience known to psychiatrists, since it is part of their training to identify these 'kinds' of symptoms .
What is the mysterious? I became aware that what I was experiencing as very new and uncomfortable experience every day had been described and defined by other people long before I lived. But very little was written anywhere about it as the 'seemingly accidental meeting of two unrelated causal chains in a coincidental event which appears both highly improbable but highly significant.' The ordinary words and events in any individual life can be re-played so to speak, and from the 'replay' a new context and meaning can be generated. This is a real process of 're-generation'.
One of the first events that happened to me was this one, I felt a distinct response in my body but I didn't understand why until several years later: I was waiting for a square-dance caller to begin the evening class. He picked up his microphone, tapped it lightly against his hand while he looked around the room. He began by telling us that he was going to introduce a new movement. It was a movement that was difficult because it could be used from so many different formations. He looked at me as he said words that seemed electrified because they had an effect on my body: "You have to get this right the first time. What you get used to gets to be normal." He went on to say that learning this move right the first time was important because nobody ever finds it easy to unlearn anything.
The impact of the words was startling: "What you get used to gets to be normal." seemed to clearly address a situation I had noticed in his life and it was not a square dance movement. There seemed to be a situation in his life that produced in me an almost unbearable sense of grief and horror when I noticed it. But the words "You have to get this right the first time." were not related to that. These words came into my mind later in 1984 as I struggled to make a circular skirt that seemed simple and very easy to make until I opened the pattern. When I laid the pieces on a remnant of mirror image plaid I realized it was not enough material because of the extra matching the plaid required. I felt a powerful need to make it perfect. I felt distant, remote and almost inert but the words I had heard this man say came into my mind and I remembered where I'd heard them: "You have to get this right the first time." I remembered where I'd heard them said, but I did not understand why they came into my mind until several years had passed and I had begun to realize this was part of a process that created a very strange conversation.
This is part of the pattern, having words that I've read somewhere or heard someone say come back into my mind, as though a conversation was being built from them. It was a precise process, so accurately timed that I cannot hope to explain how events in my life merged and meshed so perfectly with a stream of thought that was initiated I believe in 1984, permanently.
I believe that is what happened, a conversation was built from them. A conversation requires that words be spoken, some kind of voice speaks them and they must be heard by an other. It is a very strange experience to enter into a world that talks, using the events and words of our every day normal world.
This quotation from the introduction to Pi In The Sky by John Barrow is about the 'mysterious' as a mathematician understood it:
"A mystery lurks beneath the magic carpet of science, something that scientists have not been telling, something too shocking to mention except in rather esoterically refined circles; that at the root of the success of twentieth century science there lies a deeply 'religious belief'--a belief in an unseen and perfect transcendental world that controls us in an unexplained way, yet upon which we seem to exert no influence whatsoever. What this world is, where it is and what it is to us is what this book is about....." John Barrow, Pi In The Sky
Chapter 1: From mystery to history
"If we could discover the little backstairs door that for any age serves as the secret entranceway to knowledge we will do well to look for certain unobtrusive words with uncertain meanings that are permitted to slip off the tongue or the pen without fear and without research; words which having from constant repetition lost their metaphorical significance, are unconsciously mistaken for objective realities. Carl Becker
I wrote to Mr. Barrow last month, May 2002 to ask him what exactly he had in mind when he mentioned 'un-obstrusive words with uncertain meanings that having lost their metaphorical significance are unconsciously mistaken for objective realities'.
His answer was: "Dear Betty: Becker's quote spoke to me about the idea that might be around, unrecognized in any time, that if pursued opens a new world of truth. Einstein's simple questions about the speed of light and why everything falls under gravity in vacuum with the same acceleration are examples. It was nice to hear of your interest in my book and in these questions more generally. You might like my latest book 'The Book of Nothing' which is about all aspects of nothing, including the mathematical, philosophical, physical and theological. Best wishes, John"
"the idea that might be around, unrecognized in any time, that if pursued opens a new world of truth." The idea I have about what happened in 1984 opens a new world of truth: we are not alone in the universe.
I've not written to many authors to ask for clarification about something they wrote. The first time I was curious enough to write to an author happened a few years after 1984, when I felt a response in my body from words I read in a book by M. Scott Peck. Somehow one sentence in the book stood out because of this body response, and the words lingered in my mind so that I wrote to him to ask what he meant when he wrote: "The affairs between one man and one woman can be of cosmic significance." I wondered then if the circumstance between my husband and myself, and the continuing flow of 'strangeness that I could not find a name for' in our life was what he meant. His secretary answered. She mentioned that Josephine had an influence on Napoleon as an example. I felt ashamed that I'd not been able to think about that myself, but then I'd not read much about actual history either at that point.
Reading a few words in a book that I chanced to pick up somewhere that had an 'effect' on my body was something that was happening in 1982; it was part of the new 'strangeness'. It was a new kind of 'event', being affected by words in a book. But this new effect was more easily detected than being affected by a new way of seeing lights at night. Or understanding why hearing trains in the valley that I'd been hearing for years began to make me feel sadness and a very great sense of grief.
I became aware of what the 'mysterious' is after an explosion of information about my life happened in my mind, between July 31 and August 11, 1984. 1984 was not just any year, it was a year singled out for very special attention by a book authored about it and published in 1948 by Eric Blair whose professional name was George Orwell. I've had three large explosions of information about my life occur into my mind since 1984, and a smaller one that happened almost without my awareness of it that happened in 1982.
This is something that is quite difficult to describe about the experience in 1984, and of the first one in 1982: I could not relate to these events immediately although I 'saw' it happen and remembered it later, more than a year later and by then I had typed out part of it, without recognizing what I'd typed!
It happened in my mind. while I was trying to do what ever was normal in my every day life. It was an event that was built around whatever I was physically doing, but I didn't know that either.
This was an explosion of thought, it was visible thought, an immense package of information about my life as it was at that time although that part was just the upper level. Beneath the visible level of thought and memories that were retrieved from my past was information of a different kind which I had to discover bit by bit afterwards. I felt nearly overwhelmed by something I could not describe at all when this event happened. My body was not a comfortable shell around me, I was often nearly overwhelmed with confusion for no reason I could see. The, body discomfort and something new that was added to my perception and my hearing perplexed and puzzled me constantly and this began quite gradually but it continued for about 7 years, between 1982 and 1989.
By 1989 I had learned information that I had not previously known and I realized the thing was talking to me using a language that I'd learned to understand. It's a language but it's 'words' are not the kind of words we speak, they are created from every day events, circumstances, words that occur normally during every day life activities and my memories and understanding. When the bible says, Behold I make all things new." that makes sense to me now, but only when I realized nothing had changed except how I saw, what I heard and how I related to everything in front of me as well as what was going on inside my own head, all of it. My understanding changed quite gradually and this was the most important detail of all to remember: it was the process of change, the process itself that brought about a different understanding that was what I really was led most carefully and meticulously to discover. I am not the first person to discover much of what I now understand, but it's very likely I am the first person to grasp exactly how this process generates 'new' out of everything that is normal to the individual.
I had another 'event' in 1989 that made this obvious to me: that this strange 'event' that was constantly flowing through my visible life was connected to a 'band of thought' that I had picked in a completely natural way, through normal every day relationships but that it is itself, moving through Time, coming at us on Earth as a signal, a constant signal attempting to make its self clear and distinctly evident to us, on Earth.
This altered everything but I could not see any real change so after a few years I realized the only change had happened in my mind. I felt in my body at times, a kind of 'shock' when certain ordinary events generated a response that I had not felt previously. I felt but could not name any part of the effects in 1984 that caused me to feel so differently than I had ever felt before. By 1989 I realized the 'thing' had described itself and it had told me my name, I had learned a language and had become aware that what I was doing on Earth had been described accurately at times, literally. At other times a kind of symbolic description of what I was doing could be recognized but this was a discovery I made 'bit of information' by 'bit of information' between 1984 and 1989.
The change had many attributes but one of the most important was a change in the content of a deeply entrenched habit of reading, only fictions. Non-fiction books that I chanced to find in a variety of locations, and which I was not interested in reading at first, made me feel 'strange' at times when I read them. There was no reason I could see or try to describe for the new sense of strangeness but I could see that I did not get any meaning out of what I read. At the end of a sentence I could not remember the beginning. I could not understand why it was uncomfortable to read and why the words seemed to fall into a black hole. With the passage of time and being forced to read what ordinarily I wouldn't have persisted in reading, I recognized that what I was reading generated 'new thought' containing words I remembered having read. Certain sentences would seem to stand out so that I lingered over them and wondered about them. When ideas showed up in my thought even though I could not remember what I'd read, I could see that some part of me was getting meaning and even using what I was reading.
There was a kind of compulsion that drove me to read these books, which formerly would never had caught my attention. I noticed this compulsion when it was a 'feeling' but it advanced into being words, 'wafting' into being real words, the way a fragrance often identifies an object before it can be seen. It was the gradual advance of the words, from 'feeling' that was quite noticeable. I experienced them as words from a very remote region of mind that generates its' own content, influx that becomes thought words: .
"Read the words anyway. Pay no attention to whether you understand them or not." This period of time was about 4 years long, between 1984 and 1988. By 1988 I became aware that a process and a pattern that is very commonly experienced was at work in my life. I became aware that it has been at work on Earth since records have been discovered. I had noticed its affects, the outer effects on other individuals when I was a very young girl.
It is a mysterious experience, one I knew nothing about from reading or education, nor did I make the connection between the pattern I'd noticed when I was a young girl with what was happening to me. Certain experiences I'd had throughout my life began to emerge as having been 'installed' within me long before they were going to be used as reference points. These were memories that re-occurred into my mind for no reason, as well as a few incidents in which I'd learned something from an impulse and not from a person that I later read about or heard about from a person. I remember how I felt when I was led by this impulse to discover something that I later learned from a person or a book: "I can learn new things on my own." These are very simple words. There's nothing profound or scholarly about them. They are just quiet words of thought that came into my mind when something I had learned from the impulse 'met' with experiences later in my life. "I can learn new things on my own." The impulse was experienced as thought, simple words of thought that 'told' me something to do, and without hesitation I acted upon the instruction.
In 1941 or thereabouts a thought occurred to me that 'told' me to make a moebius band after I read a simple definition of it in the dictionary. I was about 9 years old then. The definition was simple also: "Take a strip of paper of any length and twist one end of it a half turn then paste the ends together." I cut a strip of paper, twisted one end a half turn and with paste made of flour and water joined the ends. When I looked at the object I'd made a thought came into my mind: "What can be the use of such a thing?" Then the impulse generated words: "Cut the band round its center length." I cut around the band and was surprised that it remained a single band but half as wide and twice as long. The impulse repeated exactly the same words: "Cut the band around it's center length." The result of this instruction was surprising to me: there were two slender bands the same length as the first cutting had produced but they were joined in a knot that didn't look like it could be untied or undone in any way.
It was more than 4 decades later that I read somewhere a description of this 'hidden' detail about the moebius band with a 180 degree twist in it. There have been only a few of this kind of impulse generated 'event' but they all were marked by the fact that I was 'reminded' by the quiet thought that occurred: "I can learn new things on my own." Most of them happened before I was 10 years old.
There were also memories, only a few of them that flickered briefly into my mind occasionally for no reason I could see throughout my life after the actual event had happened. There 'flickering memories' puzzled me finally, when I was in my mid forties. It was only then that I wondered to myself why they re-occurred the way they did.
I believe these 'flickering, re-occurring memories' were defined by Emanuel Swedenborg as 'remains' in his Writings, but I did not know anything about him until about 1988. P. D. Ouspensky mentioned in the first paragraph of his book, A New Model of the Universe that he'd had a few memories that re-occurred throughout his life that were marked by a feeling 'peculiar' to them. I didn't relate to that paragraph the first time I read the book; it was a few years later that quite by chance I happened to glance at that paragraph. I'd had experiences enough by then to realize he and I shared a similar kind of 're-occurring' memory although I would use the word 're-generated memories' now because that is what they were: events that had actually happened once, after that actual event a memory of it flickered into my mind.
In my actual life, when I was in my late forties many things happened between my husband and myself, certain changes were taking place in a hobby we'd become engrossed in to the point that we spent almost all of our spare time doing it: we were trying to learn challenge level square dancing. I met him at a square dance in 1952, a few weeks after he came from Holland to America. This meeting at a square dance and the fact that everything that happened to me later in our life does not seem likely to have been chance. Being born on an opposite hemisphere, having lived as a child through the actual war as Europeans had to do while I lived a relatively carefree life in America, we joined in marriage in 1954 and at the time only one of us was unawares of our very great differences: me.
The amazingly simple, or apparently simple circumstance of leaving 'mainstream square dancing' to enter into 'advanced and challenge level square dancing would not seem to have the potential within it to generate in me, and in him the circumstances I'm writing from now, actual every day events that turned into a kind of 'school' where a new kind of education began to happen to me. But that simple circumstance was a model of a change that even now is sweeping around the globe! I do not know how to say this in a convincing way that someone will believe: everyone seemed to be involved in a kind of play, a drama and I was in the drama myself, but the drama itself built up quite gradually in my mind, from a few books that had influenced me very much when I was a very young girl. I felt extremely disoriented between 1982 and 1987, but after 1987 a sense built quite slowly in me that I was making progress in a kind of endeavor I knew nothing about at all at first. The sense of being 'rewarded' at times when I made some connection was vague at first just like the sense of pleasure that was similar to how I'd felt when the teacher told me I'd done well when I was in grade school. It very likely was a 'regenerated' feeling, retrieved and replayed, one I'd experienced actually in the past.
By degrees a very small change in my hearing and in my perception was initiated while we tried to learn Challenge level square dancing between 1975 and 1984. After the autumn of 1981 a scrolling band of thought was 'switched on' in my mind after a short and very vivid dream. That 'band of thought' has never stopped although the content of it has changed. The content of this 'band of thought' was about the dream until about 1986, then quite gradually without my noticing it at all the content changed slowly, quite slowly and veered completely away from where it had began, about the dream. The dream was about two men, one was a live square dance caller the other man was a caller that used the taped recordings of famous callers to teach his classes.
These are details that I did not realize were important, literally as well as symbolically until recently. In 1981 when I had the dream I knew nothing at all about 'other meanings' in a dream, I knew nothing in 1981 about much of anything.
The fact that I learned what I'm writing about now from a kind of process of thought that fitted perfectly with what I was doing physically will not be easy to prove, but that is what really taught me, what brought about an understanding that I have now, which I did not have at all for nearly 5 decades. A 'live' caller and a caller that uses 'taped recordings' of others was in the dream and this was a description of what was happening at the time I had the dream. This was a very difficult connection to make, it was nearly impossible to grasp this link and hold on to it.
Many, many 'coincidences' happened before I realized one day that this flow was 'describing what I am doing TO me', this astonished me the first time I realized it was happening. That was in 1987 as best I can date it. I realize now it has always happened, it's always been there to see but I could not make that connection earlier in my life. It is not a simple connection to make, it will not be easy to describe how I became aware of it. I don't believe it could have happened if there had not been an almost impossible to believe participation from other people in my actual life after I was born and especially after my husband and I were in our mid forties and our children were of an age that they wanted their evenings and weekends for themselves. We had no hobbies and not much social life because we'd moved to Seattle, far from both our families and neither of us were the kind of people that form social relationships easily or naturally. So when I read an article about a square dance class beginning near us, I asked if we could take lessons because I'd loved square dancing. It had changed very much, there was a standard program that had been established so that it would be possible to travel anywhere and everyone would be using the same processes and teaching the same calls. We finished the first year and an unusual circumstance caused us to immediately enter into the 'next stage' beyond the mainstream level: for the first time in our area a caller started a club that went into a level beyond mainstream!
I could never have anticipated how much was hidden in the structure of square dancing that has a direct connection to ideas, very simple ideas that govern almost every mental and physical activity on Earth. I had nothing in my conscious mind in my late 40's that I can easily write about now. I did not suspect that within our head we have thought that is produced in a very, very remote region of mind, which can become visible thought, but which cannot even be 'related to' immediately when it 'erupts' into visibility, nor can it be easily written down, nor can it be spoken aloud at all without having 'met' its exact match in some form, written words or spoken words, in the exterior world.
The fact that it was always behind whatever most attracted me in books, movies, almost anything that I was very much interested in is a fact I can see now. When I was fascinated with Somerset Maugham's book Of Human Bondage, I was barely 13 years old. The fact that it is about a 'participation mystique' between two very ill matched people, a crippled man and an apparently scheming woman did not impact me at all then. The fact that the words in the title, Of Human Bondage made no impact on me as a description of a condition that has a much broader application about human beings was hidden until after my 1989 event. Then I knew for certain that I am not alone on Earth, I have never been alone on Earth. My memories and images of what was in front of me were a data base that no other person knew about except for ... 'it'.
The 'change' seemed to be connected to every day, natural world causes but by 1989 I knew for certain this was not caused by this worlds' causes or effects, it was quite literally an 'other world' generated event. The kingdom of heaven is really within you.
I began to feel like one person we saw quite often, a square dance caller, knew what was in my thought, because he said certain things that he would ordinarily have said in the process of teaching the class, but his offhand remarks seemed to relate to what I had not said aloud to anyone. His offhand remarks were not new, they were very familiar but I had not noticed them. Now I noticed these offhand remarks more frequently, and was astonished to see they contained information about him and his relationship with his wife in particular.
I would not have purchased the book and would never have read Anatomy of Reality by Jonas Salk if it had not had a drawing of a moebius band on the cover. I learned something about 'unity' and 'duality' in that book, but not that 'unity' is 1 and 'duality' is 2, that came later. I learned that binary-ness is necessary for anything to happen, that no thing happens without another thing.
I had a very thought less mind, and I mean this literally until the end of 1981, when I had a dream that was extremely vivid although I realized I was in my bed asleep. After that dream I did not have a 'thought' less mind, a non-stop stream of thought scrolled through my mind day and night.
By 1984 I had not slept normally for 2 years and I was trying to cope with so many changes in my body and in my personal life that I felt driven, literally driven, powered by a motor that caused me to do many things I would ordinarily never have done. One of the changes was that I 'looked at' the stream of thought, wondering how a simple dream could generate so much thought, all about one person that had been in the dream. Quite gradually another kind of thought seeped into my mind, I noticed it also and wondered about it. This new addition was thought that had plural pronouns in it, we, us, our, and second person pronouns, you, your that ordinarily another person would say to me. I wondered about this but said nothing about it to anyone else, not aware that it was impossible to say anything about that stream of thought at all, although it was distinctly visible to me as words. I wondered if I was producing them but I could not find any way to prove to myself whether they were 'happening' to me or I was 'thinking' this thought. At a later point in time thought that contained 'thee, thou, art, hath, thy, thine' and an old form of speech occurred and this was quite startling. This is an example that really happened: I was trying to decide what to eat after my husband asked where we ought have dinner. The thought came to mind: "Eat not the pain of animals." I was startled but a response was instant, and it was also words of thought: "What can I eat then?" The words occurred to me: "Eat not what walks the Earth, nor swims the Earth, nor flies above the earth. Eat the fruit but not the seed." I'd been unable to eat meat ever since we'd butchered a cow that we'd raised for meat so this reinforced a change that had it's origin in my actual life.
The stream of thought that was always about the dream and the person in it and the occasional random 'strange' thought that I could not 'catch' myself thinking did not seem in any way connected. I didn't realize I could not say even one word about the content of these thoughts until about 1989 because by then I had managed to 'capture' one word, hold it in my memory long enough to get something to write with and write it down. Keeping one word of that stream of thought in my memory was work of the most arduous kind; work so compelling and demanding with a goal that I didn't know about at all. Somehow I felt 'driven' to try to 'seize' one word, hold it in memory, rush to get writing materials and put the word on paper. It was work that I did somehow without knowing what the objective was until after I had managed to hold a word in mind and write it down!
There is nothing more mysterious about the 'mysterious' than why it is nearly impossible to describe the generation of this 'kind' of experience. I believe it's very commonly experienced by individuals but because only what is 'common' and verifiable by scientific experiment..it is impossible to get validation.
It may be 'inexpressible' literally until it has happened to large numbers of people, as Teilhard de Chardin wrote would occur, and then a common understanding will make it possible to talk about it. What I want to talk about is the 'generator' of the experience, and not the experience itself. However both 'form' i.e. pattern and 'content' are required to know about in great detail in order to understand this 'kind' of experience.
I've heard a radio commercial recently that begins with: "It is necessary to live more fully our waking life experience....and getting a good night's sleep is one of the requirements....etc." This was an advertisement for a mattress. But the introductory words had nothing to do with mattresses.
This site is about an experience I've had with my life and the addition of something 'new' to me at least, that eventually formed a connection to another Life. It was an experience that in the most literal sense, 'made all things new'.... eventually. For a period of years, between 1982 and 1989 I felt confused and nearly overwhelmed by what this 'new addition' to my perception and hearing was accomplishing, but during that period of time I had 3 major mindquakes. Contained in each of them was information about my life and what this 'new addition' was trying to convey to me. It was like a kind of 'transparent' blanket overlaying every detail of what was going on 'outside of my body', because it added something that was visible but had no tangibility at all. A certain interaction in my thought made it possible to discern exactly what had changed, but this took about 7 years to be certain about. The 'certain interaction' was a new 'line of thought' added to my normal, 'one line of thought' and it was the exact opposite of what had been normal. I had wondered in the past why I could not 'think' of anything 'opposite', and as absurd as that may read, I could not.
But the opposite of whatever was normal for me was very easy to recognize in this case, because I knew someone very well whose very 'normal' was the exact opposite of my normal. This is about becoming aware of the function of mind that 'senses' and responds to chemistries between individuals, between sounds and the body, between the ear and sounds, between individuals and events and circumstances.
What was 'made new' was everything that I thought I knew and everything that I thought I had an understanding about. I coined my own term for the new 'kind' of event, I formed my own name for it: 'second underlying (under 'lying') contexts but the mechanism of mind that 'generated' each event really was given to me over a period of time, and the word 'echo/ECCO' is a word that applies in this circumstance. I had never heard of C. G. Jung but I had a memory stored away when I was in my early 20's about John Lilly and his work with teaching language to dolphins. This memory of John Lilly triggered me to watch a Thinking Allowed documentary when I saw it in the library.
The most surprising attribute of all was one I had to discover, 'bit of information by bit of information' and every 'bit of information' came in an unsuspected kind of 'code'. It was necessary to learn everything but everything was given in a form that was recognizable. The thing described itself and it described the actual details of my life many times, so it was easy in such events to recognize eventually the perfectly coinciding physical event with a purely personal mental content. This content was thought or words that in a particular way occurred into my mind as words, but which were not immediately speak-able aloud, nor could they be written down. It was possible to write them down before speaking them aloud, and this was a detail that I had to recognize. It was a most surprising event when I realized I had typed out material that had occurred into my mind, and I'd typed it without recognizing at the time that this material HAD occurred into my mind more than a year previously.
When it began I felt many changes in my body; it was no longer a comfortable shell. I could see many changes in my thought and I was curious about them, very curious about where 'new thought' could be coming from. It was not possible to think I was 'thinking' this new thought because it had several distinctly new contents. I don't believe it was 'self generated thought', it came from this Other. The entire experience began with what I thought were 'natural world causes', but now I know none of the causes originated where I believed they had. It was an experience that really explained itself to me, and I began to experience a new kind of 'event', one I did not name as 'coincidence' myself. I did become aware this kind of event has been named as 'coincidence', but that happened after I had formed my own descriptions for the new 'kind' of event. I believe that was what was meant to happen, that every 'old thing' should be named again by me, because I felt a very strong Urge, to 'name whatever you see', the way Adam did in Genesis. It is very likely the same Urge that some toddlers' feel, those that are extremely curious. I've seen them stutter and seem to search for words they need, the way I saw myself do between 1986 and 1988. It was very likely a pattern of 'toddler-hood' that I may not have experienced when I really was a toddler. I was in my middle fifties then.
The word 'coincidence' does not accurately convey what happened in the individual 'event', there are other words that are more explicit and applicable.
I will have to try to make a case for what I believe this experience is but at this point, I can only think of it as an encounter with A living entity that has a life of it's own and an intelligence that knows the future as well as the past. It was only identifiable because there were memories from my past that were so clearly established firmly in my awareness for use in this ongoing flow. I had become aware of a few memories from my early girlhood that kept re-occurring into my thought by the middle 1970's and I wondered about them. I became aware by 1989 that these 're-occurring memories' had been named 'remains' by Emanuel Swedenborg during his lifetime and that P. D. Ouspensky had almost certainly experienced them in his life.
There was a point within me that somehow was 'watching/listening' in just the right place in my thought, so that I saw within my mind, without realizing it was important to be focused JUST THERE, where the first mindquake 'erupted'. The initiatory event was an explosion of information into my mind, about my life between July 31 and August 11, 1984. However the real initiatory event happened without my knowing it, when I had an extremely vivid dream late in 1981. That dream created a 'river of thought' that never stopped after that dream. In that 'river of non-stop thinking' were the contents of the mindquakes as well as the information necessary to 'decode' their contents, I believe at this point. The precise timing of events in the external world with the contents in that non-stop thought was what I had to notice. This was not something that happened immediately after 1984, it was in 1987 that I really began to notice the precise alignment of 'thought' in my mind, 'events' in the physical world and books that I 'chanced' to be reading at the time. This precise alignment surprised me, finally, it was only possible to be certain about it a few times when I knew for certain this interface could not be happening by chance.
It has continued since then but I have had at least three 'mindquakes' during this ongoing interface with whatever it is that has been named the 'mysterious'. It told me my name, it described what I was actually doing by a process of 're-iteration' that I will have to describe in detail but it was necessary to learn to understand how this was being done, every aspect of it. I became aware the thing was describing it's self to me, as well as illustrating every detail of information necessary to understand it using whatever was in front of me at the time to do it.
A conversation began to emerge, fragmented and built slowly, in a chaotic way. Over a period of time a kind of 'word' emerged then I began to feel that I was making progress, without realizing I was working on a project that I had to discover for myself. I discovered a pattern embedded in Time itself, and carried forwards on it's own band. It was a pattern I'd noticed when I was a very young girl.
If it seems to me this is a 'signal' moving through Time itself, and that this 'signal' is aimed at Earth, and that it has been 'picked up' many, many times by others, mostly male decoders of its transmissions, I have reason to trust my belief. The idea that we are not alone in the universe may be difficult to connect to the idea of God and to what religion is really all about, but in my mind that is an idea that needs to be accepted. The kingdom of 'heaven' is **within each of us.
The Los Angeles Olympic Games were being played in 1984, but the four years preceding 1984 were very unusual years for me. Many changes slipped almost without notice into my mind, my body through certain actual situations in my life relating to two small groups of people who were moving from the 'mainstream' level into advanced and challenge levels of square dancing. It was a 'model' for a much bigger change that was already 'in the wind' in 1984.
In 1932 when I was physically born on Earth on January 2, Los Angeles hosted the Olympic Games. In 1984 a different kind of birth happened. I suspect that a line in William B. Yeats' poem, The Second Coming relates to the manner and style of this birth: "..every where the ceremony of innocence is drowned." What the line means to me is related to how uninformed I was about life then and how alone I felt while I was being guided through the long period of travail into the light of another world in those 10 days. In a state of innocence, of 'not knowing' I became aware I was being brought into contact with a parent that has no physical presence on this Earth.
How did I know it had been a long period of travail? Someone I knew that had not seen me for a few years looked at me and said: "You've gone through re-birth haven't you?" I didn't know what he meant. I know I didn't ask what he meant. What he'd said returned to mind several times along with memories of the strangeness I'd begun to notice at times during the first 4 years of the 1980's.
The first incident happened when my body seemed to respond to words a certain man said to a group of people but somehow the words answered a question I had never said anything about aloud to anyone, especially this man. I felt a real shock when the 'doubleness' of what he said became evident. He was preparing to introduce a new difficult movement and was trying to make certain we learned it correctly because nobody ever goes back to unlearn something they've not learned well the first time. And somehow the words related to my unspoken thought. This is a 'symptom' known as experiencing 'thought broadcasting'/'ideas of reference' in the psychiatric texts but at the time I knew nothing about psychiatric ideas. He said to the group but his eyes seemed to linger when he looked at me: "You've got to get this right the first time. What you get used to gets to be normal." The words "What you get used to gets to be normal." seemed to relate to the question I had in mind about why this man had a reputation for being harsh and mean, even cruel at times when I had observed he was gentle, quiet and never defended himself or tried to explain himself to anyone the way other people would do.
The words "You've got to get this right the first time." returned into my mind in 1984, about 2 years after I'd heard this man say them. They returned into my mind while I was engrossed in trying to make a circular skirt on a remnant of plaid that was almost too small for the pattern. I had been walking through a fabric store when the remnant caught my eye and as I paused to examine it a pattern I'd had for years but never made came to mind. It seemed to be a simple circle skirt and an impulse was fixed then to buy that remnant and use the pattern to make the skirt. When I opened the pattern package it was a surprise because there were several small pieces that would need to be matched carefully. And I had not noticed the plaid was a one way plaid, with lines and different colored stripes that would be difficult to match. "You've got to get this right the first time." had been said, I'd heard them and felt a distinct response to them at the time. When they returned into my mind I realized I'd heard them before, but I could not realize they were being 're-used' literally, they were 'regenerated' to make me aware that what I was going was a 'one time thing', a very singular event. The remnant of one way plaid was basically shades of warm brown colors with bright stripes of blue and green.
The fact that it was a remnant and of certain shades of brown are significant details. The fact that the remnant was a one way plaid and that the pattern looked like a very simple circle until I opened the package are significant details. I knew nothing about 'symbolic correspondences' in 1984, I had never heard of C. G. Jung; P.D. Ouspensky, or Emanuel Swedenborg in 1984. I had a familiarity with the name of Sigmund Freud from having read jokes about psychiatry, and mentions of his ideas about 'id, ego, superego in fictions I read and from movies I saw. I knew that seeing a psychiatrist was different than going to a doctor that it took a long time but that is all I knew.
It was 1995 that I read for the first time in Life Against Death by Norman O. Brown, a detail about the origin of psychiatry that astonished me because I recognized by then that I had experienced already the same thing myself. Without any awareness that psychiatry itself was 'born' from the 'symptoms' I had experienced I became aware very gradually that these 'symptoms' are related to a process of individuation and much more than that, a pattern that is steadily sending out a signal in Time. This pattern carries forwards in Time, information that resulted in the International Space Station, that is a fact I cannot believe anyone will find difficult to accept. I had learned from personal experiences that were very painful and confusing for about 7 years what this detail about the 'discovery of psychiatry' revealed to me: that the 'symptoms' I had experienced were symptoms of 'mental illness' but they were also what Emanuel Swedenborg had written about as a 'literal sense' and an 'internal sense' about what the stories in the Bible, particularly in Genesis mean. He used the term 'symbolic correspondences' . The first time I read anything written by Mr. Swedenborg contained a term 'double thought' that puzzled me, because I could not understand what it could mean. This man wrote thousands of pages and even now it is astonishing to me that the first paragraph I read contained a term that if I had been able to grasp what it meant, described exactly what I was experiencing at the time I read the term.
When I read Norman O. Brown's book, Life against Death and I was amazed to read on the first page of the chapter titled The Disease Called Man that Sigmund Freud's breakthrough was the discovery of meaningfulness in a set of phenomena that in scientific circles had been regarded as meaning-less. What is the set of meaning-less phenomena?
1. The 'mad' symptoms of the mentally deranged. (The apparent psychotic experiences during the process of individuation.)
3. Various phenomena gathered together under the definition of the psychopathology of every day life such as slips of the tongue, errors, and random thoughts.
I had read my medical chart one day in 1986 and was shocked to realize nothing was written on it about what I believed were the causes of my distress, a very bad blow on the head and the effects of a complete hysterectomy. I had been told I had 'severe menopausal syndrome'. I had never been told that the psychiatrist was not relating to what I'd said. i believed that the blow on my head must have caused some kind of damage, because my thinking was so different. I had never been told that what I was actually saying fit into a pattern that was well known, but because I was not told I began to try to prove I was not imagining anything. The effort to prove to someone else that I was not 'imagining' anything was necessary, essential to me, because I had been told several times in the past that I imagined things had happened that had not happened. At that point in Time a powerful motor began to drive me, and I felt it's authority in my body, in my thought, new thought of a quite different kind than had been 'normal' to me. and the contents of my habits reversed into the exact opposite of normal for me during that change. The form of my habits remained fixed but the content reversed activities into passivities and passivities into activities. I had read fictions, nothing but fictions and now I could not read a fiction, my mind simply would not take in the words. I began to read non-fictions and noticed my head hurt, I felt a very great distress but could not NOT read the book that had been somehow selected by a part of me that assumed authority through this 'change of habit'.
It puzzled me that a book titled The Interpretation of Dreams had been widely accepted almost immediately as a discovery, because it was obvious that in the Bible, there were people who interpreted dreams, so the idea was not new at all. But in 1984 that is not something I knew.
In the 18 years since 1984 there have been changes on Earth that nobody would have suspected could happen. Perhaps we have all witnessed the advent of something that has been the 'end of Time', from the beginning of Time. The word 'end' also means 'goal'. The part that I witnessed was related to a pattern that I had noticed when I was a very young girl that caused a man, it was never a woman that I read about, to become convinced the end of the world was at hand. It seemed absurd that so many people became convinced they knew the only way to a safe place that would not be destroyed. The end of the world was supposed to happen but it never happened.
The second one was a 'second stage' of the first one. It happened in 1989 in the fall and it happened in a place I thought I could never tell anyone about until after I read a chapter titled The Excremental Vision in Norman O. Brown's Life Against Death. Martin Luther and I were in the same location when we had our visions! He was 'on the john' and so was I, both literally and symbolically.
The third one, a 'third stage' that built upon the first ones, happened when I chanced to glance at the back of a book about pi, The History of Pi by Petr Beckmann. It was this last one that linked backwards in Time on two levels: in my personal life and to the 'common life'. That moment which I named my 'pi quake' because it was like an earthquake, beginning with 'faults' in history not the physical landscape, linked back to a string of certain moments and memories of mine that I had not suspected were aimed to the future. The long string of memories of myself, doing certain things without knowing an impulse 'drove' me, had been building towards the moment in Time when I would glance at the copyright statement at the end of two pages of pi's decimal. Then I saw how I wondered to myself briefly about the number 100,265, why it was not a 'neat' 100,200; 100,250 or even 100,500', then glance back to the first page of decimals. This kind of 'wondering' is not something that has been 'normal' to me, it's happened only a few times but nobody would know that but me.
What I saw generated an explosion of 'associations' and I was almost literally 'floored' with the realization that was obvious then: this was what my life had always been aimed towards.
The explosion formed associations from what I saw in the first block of decimals. They were purely personal and somebody else would laugh at my trying to explain what they meant to me. They were drawn from my earliest years, from my first thought, to certain incidents when an impulse caused me to do things so that I knew the impulse finally was a distinct 'other', an instructor that certainly was what had always been working with me. The associations formed, reaching into my very recent past from my more remote past. Certain events happened at work and at home that led towards this big event that caused me to realize some thing, a distinct Other was 'focusing my attention' on details that I could have noticed may years before I did notice them.
The third mindquake extended to my real world past, and reached forward to incidents that had happened only recently. They were trivial seeming events concerning my birth date, 1-2-32; an automobile I owned ETW 651 and the name of the union I belong to IAM 751. When I looked at the first block of decimals on the first page I noticed immediately the number '265' which I had just read and 'wondered about' in the copyright statement. Then everything in that block of decimals shifted in my mind and I saw associations that would almost certainly be difficult to convince anyone else had a realistic, validating context.
There's no way I can describe that moment as it happened except to point towards certain scenes in movies that are fairly recent. An autistic boy in Mercury Rising looks at a puzzle and quite suddenly the numbers, letters and symbols seem to re-form into something else, he picks up the telephone and dials a number. Dialing that number means he has 'decoded' something that was not intended to ever be decoded.
At that moment what I saw in the first block of decimals on that page caused me to see what my mind was doing, because I had become familiar with 'inner processes' and mechanisms of mind that I had not known existed even in 1984. At this time I can see how the 'outer world' is altered by, and even described by what is going on in my thought. It is not a simple transformation to regard one's thought the way I do now, and I have passed along a continuum of changes that altered how my thought changes subtly, and quite gradually along that continuum. It's like a moebius band with a 180 degree twist in it and the moving point along that band, the twist point, is me, what I see and have experienced and remember in my particular way of understanding.
I don't know what name I could give to the 'sense' I have now of being connected to the 'other world' that John Barrow said controls us but which we do not affect at all, except to name it as having become aware of the activities of the one sense that binds all other senses into a single 'point of view': mine as I move on the Earth in this case. I've thought of it as the seventh sense for several years, a sense that forms a connection with the Other world. I named it the Larger Domain after I was certain it existed. The sixth sense is rather vague overall although someone I work with told me it was 'intuition, or 'inwardsly taught'. That sense seems to me to be pattern recognition, pattern identification and symbol interpretation, where things and events are always experienced not as they are but as being 'like' something else. I never felt 'like' a drop of rain or 'like' a grain of wheat pouring down a chute until the first day I left work in a new building that was much larger than the one I'd begun work in. Workers 'poured' out the door, rushing to their car and I was only one of them.
I knew in a way I could never doubt this could never happen again, or to anyone else but to me. 1984 was a brief window in Time when a connection could be firmly established in a way that I believe Emanuel Swedenborg recognized in his life, between 'the kingdom of heaven' and some one on Earth. The idea that was most central to Jesus life is that there is a 'kingdom of heaven' and that it is 'within you'. Many of his ideas were not new but this idea was original, that there is a 'kingdom of heaven' and that it is 'within you'. The way I began to understand the 'strange flow of events' that did not seem to be coincidences or random occurrences began with recognizing that I was 'seeing and hearing everything' the way my husband normally 'saw and heard'. This was not difficult to establish and it was verified to some extent by a psychiatrist after I mentioned to him that it seemed to me I was 'looking up through my husband's viewpoint, which was 'sitting on top of mine' and that I was seeing the world through it'. This happened in 1983. The condition has a name, 'folie aux duex' but at that point I understood nothing at all about psychiatric ideas.
There had been many doubts in my mind that there was any significance to this long 'event' other than to me after I understood the way psychiatric ideas interpret 'projection' as being self observation, detached, turned around and seeming to be an other. I do not believe this is a complete description of projection. There is a mechanism of mind at work that creates the kind of self observation that Emanuel Swedenborg named 'regeneration', literally, not symbolically.
When I chanced to read: "We live a double life whether we know it or not, we live our own life and we live the life of our own time." in a book authored by Laurens van der Post, C. G. Jung And Our Time I did not know that the new sensations in my body were due to changes in my mind that were altering what I saw outside of my body. It took a long time to realize this change in my mind altered what I was seeing, and that I was even then already well into a process that evolved and is still evolving as a 'second life'. In this 'second life' everything was new to me, as new as though I were suddenly an infant that had to make sense of everything it saw. I knew the names of objects when I was 52 years old in 1984, but I did not know the names of 'non-objects', of intangibles, in fact I didn't believe in them.
The experience of beginning to live a double life began when I was forced by circumstances in my actual life to have to describe what was going on in my actual life, and I was not aware that the words I needed were not available to me to use. I didn't know them. In the early 1980''s I felt dizzy at times for no reason I could understand occasionally and then very frequently. It was difficult to remain erect at such times, I wanted to lay down or sit down, but even when I did I could not rest. This puzzled me because it was extremely uncomfortable to have to keep up a conversation or keep doing whatever it was I was doing when the feeling 'swamped' me suddenly.
Something was different but I could not see what it was. After a period of t a couple of years, (between 1980 and 1982) I tried to see what was changed and detail by detail I began to be able to sort out what was changed. Looking very carefully at night I wondered to myself, why head lights and tail lights at night seemed to be eyes, unfriendly eyes? Eventually I realized a kind of 'pairedness' was what I was seeing, very likely because an almost impossible to discern 'repetition' or 'regeneration' of what I was looking at was happening in my mind. The speed at which this 'regeneration' occurs is virtually impossible to describe, it took almost 2 years to notice it and then begin to be certain it was actually happening. The 'second sight' created a completely different context when thought or words were what was 'reflected'. One day at work in 1986 or 1987 something happened where I clearly saw the effect of the regeneration of an episode of thought, that it turned my thought around, causing it to seem to be spoken to me as a person would speak to me. And the words in that 'reflection' or 'regenerated thought' described literally what I was physically doing at that moment as well. This was what was most startling, that this 'regenerated thought, a reflection' indeed described what I was actually physically doing at that moment and what was going on in my actual life. This included what I was doing 'psychologically', but at that point in time I knew nothing about what the psyche is, or about 'soul' or continuation in Time of any part of human thought.
Why did the sound of trains in the valley below our house arouse a terrible sadness in my body every time a whistle blew so that I wanted to weep? In the early 1980's we had lived above this valley for several years yet suddenly I heard every whistle and all the sounds of trains and it was painful to hear them. I wondered to myself why I had not realized there were so many train movements in the valley before.
One night I came home late, the light on our barn was not on. I felt so afraid in the dark of our small farm. The head and tail lights of automobiles, the lights across the valley had all seemed like menacing eyes even before I turned the car lights off. I got ready to rush to the house, my key in my hand then something countered my fear. I was forced somehow to walk calmly to the door and not look over my shoulder although I wanted to look behind me with every step I took. This new force caused me to be 'normal' as I tried to fit the key into the lock and not hurry.
A thought came into my mind: "You are afraid. Do not be afraid in your own house." The thought remained in my mind afterwards but it was several years before I understood what was contained in that moment, which happened as best I can date it in 1983. I was in the dark, I had a key in my hand and was ready to unlock a very dark house and enter it. My house, or at the time I believed it was my house.
At about that point in Time I remember driving towards the city and just as I entered the on ramp to the local freeway a thought came into my mind: "You will have to work very hard to do this." The thought occurred into my mind and I remembered it but there wasn't any curiosity about what it, this kind of thought was not something normal, it was distinctly new to experience a thought like: "You will have to work very hard to do this." It was several years before I understood the content of that moment: I was moving towards a freeway where there's no turning back, there is one way traffic and it moves fast. The thought was a new kind of 'event' happening, it happened inside my head, and at that time I was extremely miserable because a non-stop stream of thought was moving through my mind, day and night. I could not sleep normally, I was awake day and night because the stream of thought would not allow me to drop into the restful darkness of sleep. I heard the sounds outside all night, I heard my husband breathing beside me, I was aware of the stream of thought and recognized its particular content but I was not aware that I could not say any of that content, about the dream, or the other 'strange events' aloud to anyone, not even one word of it.
The content of the stream of thought was about a dream I'd had late in 1981. I was astonished that a short vivid dream could generate so much thought and I was oblivious to the fact that I could not say one word to anyone about what the content of the dream was. This is probably the most important detail, and I want to make that point now, that I did not realize I could not say aloud one word of the content of that stream of thought until 1987, and this was work so arduous I don't know how I will be able to describe how difficult it was to do.
I did not know although I felt a powerful 'drive' like a motor that was powering me, what strange 'force' caused me to try to capture one word of it, as it streamed through my mind and hold it in memory long enough to write it down. It was a task that somehow I was driven to accomplish without knowing what I was trying to do until after it had been accomplished.
How was I made aware it was a great achievement? This was done in a way I did not recognize either, at the time although I felt in my body a sense of being 'rewarded' similar to how I had felt when I got an A in school. A memory came into my mind quite frequently, of a scene in The Miracle Worker, the movie about Helen Keller and her teacher. In this scene Helen's teacher is holding her arm under a stream of water and pressing with her fingers on that arm the sign for 'water'. The deaf and speechless Helen has never made the association between the symbols her teacher is trying to connect to whatever Helen feels until that moment. The connection is formed quite suddenly, finally and both teacher and student are elated, joyous and triumphant.
That memory came into my mind for days, weeks, months quite often. It was a kind of 'symbolic word' created from the memory drawn forth from my past, conveying to me the 'message' that a connection had been made when I managed to write down one word of that stream of thought, that was 'like' the breakthrough connection Helen had made.
It is possible to easily write now what was impossible to say or write down prior to that period of time, a period of about 3 years between 1986 and 1989. It is easy to relate to what goes on in my 'head' immediately now, but that was impossible until quite gradually I drew together thought producing 'centers' in my body, into a common center. That is the best way I can think of now to describe the very great change that I have watched as it occurred, almost astonished every moment at what I was seeing.
Between 1984 and 1987 I was watching what was going on inside my head without realizing that a switch had withdrawn my primary attention from what was 'outside' to what was 'inside'. The 'inner content' was more visible than what was outside and it overlaid what was outside but that was not easy to grasp. It was a change that was so visible to me because it changed everything without changing anything actually. What was so uncomfortable was feeling 'driven', feeling unable to 'not do' what I began to do then, barely noticing that what I said at times was not something I had thought about before. This became more frequent but at first I barely noticed those 'non-volitional' events when I said something that ought to have made me wonder immediately why I had said what I heard myself say.
One of the first incidents happened as best I can date it in about 1982, probably late in the year. I was having coffee with the wife of a squaredance caller, and I heard myself tell her that I felt like one of those animals raised in a laboratory for use in experiments. I told her that it seemed to me I'd been kept from experiencing certain things as though I wore blinders but that suddenly the blinders were removed and I was taken from the cage and put into a maze. In the maze I had to run and look for something. When I found something I could rest a while then I had to go look for more. It did not occur to me for a few years that this was a very odd thing for me to say. She didn't say anything that I remember about what I said. She was a person who mentioned to me many times that people seemed to 'open up' to her. So perhaps her chemistry and mine connected, which does not seem to me to be unlikely.
I know that I described the 'non-stop thinking' as 'non-stop thinking' but nobody asked what the thinking was about, even when I went to a psychiatrist for the first time. That was in 1983. I called a Jungian therapist in 1988 o verify that ideas of reference and other symptoms were symptoms of individuation He had experienced those symptoms himself until he connected with Jungian therapists. He almost lost his license to practice. I asked why he had not written about his experience but his answer was that "people don't want to know this stuff." His taped recordings are available at the Seattle Jung Society. His name is William Levy and he's not a good author but he does present factors of individuation that more professional authors miss or ignore.