The Initiatory Event: A Dream

It's not necessary to read beyond the dream at this point. This page is an 'overview', it's not possible to be strictly linear about the effects of the dream. I rarely dream, this was unlike any dream I've ever had. I had the dream in the fall of 1982. After the dream a never ending stream of thought about the dream moved through my mind. I thought the movie Sleepless in Seattle was about me when it came out several years later. : ]

THE DREAM: I'd been asleep for a while when quite suddenly I seemed to wake up, laying to the left of my husband who was asleep. A door on the other side of him was open enough to let a slender line of light into the room. (In the real bedroom, the door is not on the other side of him, it's at the end of the room. I didn't notice that for several years.) I felt myself get up and walk around my sleeping husband towards the door then open it, but somehow knowing I was asleep in my bed! The door opened onto a dark hallway but just across from where I was standing was another door, only slightly open. A brighter light was coming from the opening. I walked towards it and opened the door to a brightly lit room that I recognized immediately as the basement of one of our favorite local square dance callers. Two square dance callers were in the room, one facing me, the other man had his back to me. I knew them both because we belonged to their respective clubs.

The man facing me saw me and his face showed that he recognized me. His face lit up as he lifted his head in a particular way he has that was familiar to me. Nothing was said throughout the 'event' but I felt that he seemed very glad to see me even though that was his natural way. I remember thinking in my dream as I lay in my bed: "Raleigh is so nice." My opinion of this man was that he was gracious, charming and always made everyone welcome. The worst dancer in the group was as welcome as the most capable. Both he and his wife were 'graceful' socially in my opinion and we felt privileged to know them. He used taped recordings of well known national square dance callers to teach his students so the club was the Tapeworms', a name our mainstream club found very repugnant. My husband and I had been trying to learn advanced and challenge level square-dancing with him for a few years before going to the other man's club.

The other man was a real live caller himself but he was very different than the 'tape caller', they were basically opposite in many ways.

In the dream his back was towards me but he saw the reaction of the 'tape caller' and he turned towards me. As soon as he saw me, unsmilingly he extended his right arm towards me. I walked towards him without hesitation, standing next to him so that his arm fell lightly, naturally across my shoulders.

I felt that arm, a real warm arm and a warm hand lightly placed on my shoulder! There was no sexuality in how I felt about the man at that moment or the natural way I had responded to his outstretched arm. I felt like I was at home; I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. Laying in my bed, knowing I was asleep I felt a real warm arm around my shoulders and felt a real warm hand rest lightly on my shoulder and felt real feelings generated by and in the dream!

I laying in my bed asleep remembered that I'd read those exact words: "This is no dream. This is really happening." in a book, Rosemary's Baby by Ira Levin!

I, laying in my bed examined that thought, realizing I had within the dream made comments about the retrieval of memories from my past ......while I 'dreamed'!!!

The man who had his arm across my shoulders and I turned as a unit to walk out of the room. As we left, he extended his left hand out with his fingers splayed apart in a way he had, in a gesture of farewell to the other man. Not one word was said by anyone in the dream, there wasn't a sound in the dream.

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Here's some context for how the caller in the dream was experienced: Context is important. More than two decades later, I understood the dream. It described what was going to happen, what had already begun to build the setting for those 10 days in 1984.

A live caller in the real sense had come to make me know I was in the right place at the right time. I'd had a few experiences with a dimly sensed 'thought voice' that I later realized was a kind of 'counselor thought voice'. There was no way to identify it or other thoughts as to their source for several years.

The other man, the tape caller, had a different representation, a different meaning: he was the past, a past that was still present. He represented, actually was as a person that 'used' famous callers a model for great authors (Philosophers) whose ideas I'd not read and had no knowledge about...then.

The main idea was that these two clubs were 'leaving the mainstream' and taking square dancing to another whole new level.

The reputation and the distance from where we lived of the live caller's club prevented us from going to his dances for several years. We moved to the city where he lived and called for a mainstream plus club so now it was closer and by then we'd graduated from the tape callers advanced level class. So we decided to attempt to dance to this 'difficult' caller. It was a surprise to find out that the first dance we attended with his Plus club was the last dance he was to call for that club! That's the night I met his wife. She became an important character in a drama that began to unfold that night. She told me they were forming their own club, the Hard 'n Easys'. She also told me we would not be able to dance with their club until we went through their classes because they believed the tape callers classes were inadequate preparation to dance with them.

It was at that point that I began to feel something that drove me, gently at first onto a path that involved those two clubs and their goal of introducing advanced and challenge level square dancing. That was a very great change only partly because all gender roles are removed. That means the males and females have to learn to do their opposites roles, the 'beaux and belle' concept no longer applied. Each level required learning more and remembering more, and more, and more. There were 7 levels of dance then, mainstream; mainstream plus; advanced 1 and 2; challenge 1, challenge 2 and challenge 3 and 4. Each level requires learning more movements, and as I found out a certain faculty of mind that I didn't possess in 1982 is required to be successful: it's a mental faculty that the live caller had a reputation for possessing, forming a mental image of where a dancer should be after completing any movement, even when 'phantom dancers' were added to the real people. That's where I was stuck, when phantom dancers were added to the 8 real people in a set.

The foundation of the square dance set is that 4 couples interact as one unit, but 2 subsets act independently. Then within the two subsets each individual moves independently, interacting with temporary partners, until the set is resolved at which point everyone is matched with their original partner. It's very difficult to do when gender positions are eliminated, that doubles everything. The dancers have to memorize a large number of calls, dance as a unit that changes positions with every step and some complicated movements require adding phantoms who join the 8 real people. That's where I had to learn to do something I'd never thought about: it was so new to me I can honestly say that learning to track those phantoms in my mind, initiated my first contact with the 'other world', literally. It was such a new idea to me, who had read nothing but fictions unless some need forced me to read non-fiction.

The caller has the biggest responsibility and this caller had a reputation for being gifted with a remarkable ability to create dance sequences that flowed almost magically, when we, the 8 real people, could do them. That didn't happen too frequently but when it did, the 'flow' was thrilling and addictive. That caused a few devoted people to endure his particular style, which was not typical of square dance callers in 1982. The caller has to know who is paired with whom and keep them moving but each dancer must be restored to their original partner at the end of each sequence. It was when we began to learn about 'concept calls' that I was introduced to 'phantoms'. They are imaginary people and when the concept of 'in your phantom setup' was introduced that was a new world to me, literally. It was only then that I was forced to notice basic forms. I had never noticed them until this caller brought them to my attention one night. He asked where I would be in the square after doing a few simple movements, and I couldn't visualize even the first one. I had not thought about 'visualizing' my self in my mind.

The concepts of square dancing at those levels had a hidden (from me) relationship to the day when I was 9 years old and had an impulse to make a moebius band after I chanced to read a definition in a dictionary. "Take a strip of paper at least an inch wide, at least 8 inches long, twist one end a half turn, glue the end together." That's a moebius band. I had an impulse to do that after I read the definition. I remember that I had to make paste with flour and water, wait for it to dry, then I looked at the result wondering what the use of such a thing could be. Then I had a thought: "Cut it around it's center, lengthwise." I did that and was surprised to see the result: a longer band, half as wide with two twists in it. While I looked at it, the thought repeated: "Cut it around it's center, lengthwise." I did that without hesitation. This produced two bands the same length, half as wide again, but they were separated completely yet still joined in a knot that I didn't believe could be untied or undone.

That impulse has often created a thought that I acted on without hesitation. Sometimes it caused me to do something, (like adding the numbers in the product of each times table, then recognizing repeating patterns in each of them), sometimes it caused me to look over my shoulder and notice something JUST THEN, JUST AT THAT POINT, IN THAT LOCATION. That happened when I was driving up a hill in 2001 or there about, chatting with my toddler granddaughter. For some reason I glanced out the car window on my side then as I passed, I'd spotted what seemed to be foxglove that had a topper flower on it. After I'd delivered her, I stopped to see if it was what a glance had told me it was and it was. It was like one I'd become fascinated with since 1989 (that's a long story and it's on another link) because of some peculiar qualities it had, it had levels of bloom and the topper flower was not typical. I had a long string of experiences in my garden with that kind of foxglove but I'd not seen it anywhere else. What was remarkable was that my plant and it's descendents had three distinct levels of bloom on one stalk and the plant had several different kinds of bloom on it. Each year something in the plant materially represented a relationship to an idea I had in my thought, an idea that evolved over a span of time. Foxglove 1990 )

It was a surprise to find out that the first dance we attended with his Plus club was the last dance he was to call for that club! That's the night I met his wife. She became an important character in a drama that began to unfold that night. She told me they were forming their own club, the Hard 'n Easys'. She also told me we would not be able to dance with their club until we went through their classes because they believed the tape callers classes were inadequate preparation to dance with them.

And other things she said that night, which if she'd not said, initiated that drama. Although other incidents in my past had already been installed without my knowledge or any clue that pointed towards a foresight other than my own or their own in our lives. Those 'clues' were explained to me later when I began to read, read, read, read books that were not fictions, they were real books. Those 'clues' implanted when I was young had been given a name by Emanuel Swedenborg he named them 'remains'. They do remain in memory and can be retrieved. He lived a long time ago but P. D. Ouspensky had recognized them correctly in his lifetime and he described them as 're-occurring memories' and that's what marks them, they re-occur for no apparent reason, and one gets curious about why, eventually. (That's in the first paragraph of the introduction to his A New Model Of The Universe.)

It was a simple thing that happened: she remarked that she couldn't find clothing to fit her and I suggested she learn to sew. She told me she could not learn to sew and I replied anyone could learn to sew. She was more correct for a long period of time, than I was. She came to my house once a week for a year or so and I attempted to teach her to sew. What I began to do at that point, was a strange thing, I began to do things for no reason I knew or even questioned as to why I did them. I know that my conscious reasoning was to help them achieve their goal, I was one of a devoted group of dancers who wanted him to become a nationally well known caller. But the club had that reputation. There were members of the club that talked among themselves, about why the club didn't grow and thrive, but what they said amongst themselves, was literally unspeakable, at least it was then. Literally, I began to feel something that was unspeakable in that relationship. That does not mean it was horrible, terrible, tragic or anything like that, it was just literally, unspeakable in 1983.

The 'live caller' had strict requirements for joining his newly formed advanced level club but we already knew he had a reputation for being 'hard'. He did not seem to know the rule that is supposed to guide all callers: "Keep the dancers happy, keep them dancing. Call to the level that most dancers can do, call to the level of the 'floor', the dancers have to have fun." This man either didn't know that rule or he just didn't accept it. I still don't know which was true but he had a faithful following that kept coming to support him. His reputation kept us away because we'd heard mainstream dancers that we knew who danced with his club make comments about how, I have to be honest here, rude, and I have to be honest again, 'mean' he was to his dancers. We knew that trying to learn to dance with his group required being able to tolerate being talked to in a way that seemed denigrating and as some people bluntly said was 'mean'. Usually he kept calling if only one square was able to dance, while the collapsed squares waited for a call that would allow them to re-join the dance. That embarrassed us because it generated snide remarks from our fellow mainstream dancers.

Those who were loyal to him had a real fondness, well to be honest it was an addiction really, it was a genuine passion for the feeling we felt occasionally when we could successfully do the kind of square dancing he could call.

The feeling of being a working unit , 8 people dancing as 1, was magical, almost euphoric, a special kind of bond that generated our efforts to keep trying to have it again. There was a flow that was almost magical when 8 people in a square could unite into a successful unit and we could dance the clever sequences the caller and perhaps his wife devised.

The feeling was probably close to the what the 'numinous' is; that's the word C. G. Jung used when he wrote of that special feeling that he couldn't describe using normal words. It was a glorious experience, truly sublime experience when the two sub sets of four that make up the square dance unit succeeded and united in the flowing enchanting sequences for an entire tip. Or most of a tip.

If he was aware that he embarrassed us in public many times when he called 'hard' and we, his own dancers fell into chaos in public, wondering if we were ever going to get any of the 'easy', that didn't seem to matter to him. We were denigrated by fellow mainstream level dancers who thought our own caller was 'insensitive' to say the least. I felt that denigration very much, in my body, it was painful. I had never experienced that in my life. That doesn't mean denigration hadn't happened; I had not noticed or named the sense of being denigrated for reasons I had to learn about myself. If denigration is part of every day life, it gets to be normal, and what's normal is invisible. As a female I'd heard denigrating remarks in jokes, but in every day life without feeling the pain, but now I felt words, literally words hurt me. That took several years to understand and this was just the place my lessons began. I was oblivious to denigration when it happened to me at that point . It hurt and embarrassed me very much for several reasons when our club was laughed at.

The faithful members of the club wanted very badly for him to become nationally well known, and that's what his wife told me was their hearts desire also. They needed a successful club so he could practice and learn himself, but that wasn't happening. Every fall we had a large enthusiastic new class but very few remained and graduated. I began to feel anxious that they were doing what we now would name 'short sheeting their own goals' and I felt that before I knew the words to describe what it felt like to live in a double bind.

After the dream, my reasons for the feelings I had in 1981 when I had the dream were unspeakable. Literally. His reputation was not the reason I began to feel literally that some unspeakable thing was at work in my life. It seemed to me that my interest in this couple were being misinterpreted by his wife but I could not explain to myself the intense interest that developed about their club, so maybe that wasn't all imagination. What was literally unspeakable was the thought that began to move through my mind after the dream. It's content and the dream itself was really something I could not talk to anyone about at that point in Time. An unusual situation in their life at that point in time was becoming evident to me, in conversations I had with his wife who came to my house once a week for a sewing lesson. She often talked about him, their goals, and other things. But what she said must have aroused my curiosity and I began to pay more attention to him because he seemed much different to me than he did to her.

Especially after she blurted out one day: " I cannot think of one good thing about that man." I had noticed many good things about that man, he always seemed kind to her, attentive and even gentle at times, even when I saw him pick up their dachshund one evening and slap it so brutally that some of the dancers wept and left.

Before I had the dream, I had already begun to feel an agonizingly painful sense of grief and pity for him and I had no idea why. My attention was riveted on him, held captive even before I had the dream, apparently because I could not see the man she described.

I remember a thought occurred to me on night a few years later: "Why would a kind and gentle man like him, beat a dog that way?"

That thought occurred sometime in 1985, and by then we'd danced with that club for several years. That small dog had been trained to wait until the evening dance or lesson was finished then he could rush into the room. Several times he couldn't restrain himself and that's when he got what seemed to us to be a brutal spanking. The caller remarked casually it seemed to me, one evening that they had 'buried' a dog in the past. This dog had broken bones a couple of times; there was evidence he was taken to a vet, but somehow all of this made me wonder just what this man was really like.

My attention was focused on him after the dream. Because thought about the dream began to scroll through my mind, it never stopped after the dream, not for a second. Thought about the dream was foremost in my mind afterwards, and I believe that one 'band of thought' was originally far away from a place where I could speak about it, or speak aloud any content that was on that band.

There are galaxies in the mind, there are separate thought producing locations. That became obvious over a span of, well it's been 25 years since it was initiated.

When I had realized that I was obviously being misunderstood because of my extreme interest and enthusiasm in that club and I couldn't find any way to explain my real feelings even to myself, I felt in my body what the word 'unspeakable' really means, literally. They were more than unspeakable at that point. I didn't understand my own actions quite often even late in 1981. I heard myself say things a few times that I'd not thought about and had no reason to say. I heard myself say things I'd not thought about without curiosity or interest until much later, sometimes several years later when the memory of what I'd said came back into my mind. I remembered only then, that I should have at least been curious about what came out of my own mouth!

How could the memory of an event in my somewhat recent past be retrieved then replayed in my own head often enough that I would wonder only then to myself, why I was curious now belatedly? A kind of 'inner prompting' caused me to become curious about my own lack of curiosity when that happened. The 'inner prompter' itself become obvious over a span of decades.

((During the next 7 (1982 -1989) years I learned what 'bottled up' means, and what 'tunnel vision' is, and how a laser like attention was created and held captive in my mind. That hasn't changed, it's been consistent during the next 25 years. I've had several 'mindquakes' in that span of time, some major, some smaller. Then recently I had a different kind of inner event happen, it made me laugh after I was distanced from it enough to realize what had happened and what had caused it to happen: I think of it as the Twilight bloom. It happened in a different way, but it was unexpected and quite different in many ways from the 'mindquakes'. It happened because I'd decided to try to get closer to my remaining younger sisters and that caused me to read a book they liked, (Dexter) then an other books they'd mentioned: Twilight. The book was barely interesting but I read it. Then one day a few days after I'd finished it, a thought occurred into my mind: "What actor could play the perfect Edward Cullen?" I rented the film and watched it; not too impressed until a certain scene where music that was barely audible caught my attention. I listened to that scene several times, utterly fascinated by the music, which I found out later is named 'Phasination Phase'. I was instantly fascinated, this has happened before that I wisp of music I could barely hear caused me to need to hear it again, and hear it now, I crave to hear it again. I had a hard time finding that CD. That desire to get closer to my sisters resulted in an event that I named my 'Twilight Phase' although Phasination with that series was what happened as a result of it. I spent the next two months reading the entire series, three times and parts of it more than three times'; seeing the film many times, and reading The Host\ a couple of time. That book is not part of the series but it has an especially interesting theme to me. It's a theme that linked the series to that book neatly. One of the problems has been solved, humans are controlled and managed so that everyone has what they need and nobody wants more than they need.

Its so nice, actually it's a miracle, to someone that grew up with one radio in the house to be able to replay music, re-view movies, and find information that's in old books easily the way we can now! ))

Afterwards, non-top thinking about that dream moved through my mind. It was a relentless ever present content in my mind. Thought content about the dream moved through my mind for more than 4 years and it was always about the 'live caller'. Nothing other than thought about this one man and the thought about the dream moved in that never ending stream of thought that began with the strange dream without varying even once. Until about 1986, although I didn't notice myself that the constantly streaming content veered slowly away from the dream and that call. That fact escaped my attention; it was pointed out to me in the first 1989 mindquake! That was the point when I began, just barely to realize the source of the first stage in 1984 was that, just the first stage of an ongoing event. The first 1989 mindquake built on what I'd learned since 1984. I was made aware only then of a cause other than what I'd believed was causing my misery and confusion: my marital situation or the effects of a head injury or the results of a complete hysterectomy. In the second mindquake the cause was clearly and very distinctly linked to an experience my husband had had when he was in his late teens! That had been sometime in 1949 or thereabouts, he was affected by it and that event had really shaped our relationship. He had a name for that event: "Sitting under the apple tree with his maker" and he told me he'd been told everything he would ever need to know then. That event had shaped our life afterwards in a way I would have to understand myself, and in 1989 I didn't know enough, even then to relate his 'under the apple tree event' to mine in 1984, or the two in 1989 or one that had happened in 1982, which I had not recognized when it happened. That earlier unrecognized mindquake was pointed out to me in the first 1989 event.

What I had learned in the five years after 1984 was made obvious to me, through the fact that I had not noticed or thought about what happened one night in 1982 while I waited for the 'hard' caller to begin a lesson:

I had looked around the room and quite suddenly imagery of a kind that I'd never had before in my life came into my mind. I have never had the kind of dreams I read later that many people have. I had mental content, but it was just thought, and not a lot of that. That night, memories from my past that I'd forgotten about until they were retrieved was only a small part of the content. As I looked around the room, a thought occurred: "This is impossible! I don't believe anyone but me would ever be able to see this. How on Earth will I ever explain it? And who on Earth will ever believe me?" Masses of information about 'who would ever believe me' followed the thought. I could write quite a long time but that information is in psychiatric texts that I'd no knowledge about in 1982, and also in law books, case histories and what we know about the legal system, which is that it's expensive and expensive and there's an old statement in bibles: 'ye lawyers, ye lay onerous burdens on others and ye take none on yourself'".

I was made aware I would have to pay those who would listen to me. I had stepped into a space where 'money changers' operate..

Another thought occurred: "It's like a miracle. It's a slowed down, stretched out miracle, timed so that I can watch it happen." The first retrieved memory was of something that happened the first day I went to a new school, when I entered junior high school. We'd moved to a new town, and I was lonely and miserable because I'd been waiting to go 'up the stairs' in the small town school of Roachdale, Indiana. We'd had a fire and had moved. That first day something happened, a new classmate had come over to introduce herself and talk to me in a friendly way. That memory was 'retrieved' to tell me what was happening at the moment. That memory was like a picture that if I'd interpreted it correctly would 'speak' to me, to tell me that what was happening that night in 1982, because literally that event was 'like' what had happened that day when I was entering a new level of school, really. In 1982 and even in 1989 when the first mindquake happened, I knew nothing about interpreting anything, poems, pictures, or literature. The 'art' of decoding events which I had to find out slowly over a period of more than 15 years (1984-1999) is the basis of psychiatric theories had begun to be somewhat evident, just barely by 1989 because in 1988 I'd called a Jungian analyst whose name I'd found in the yellow pages. I asked if he would answer a few questions and he said he would if he could.

I had no memory of having read or heard Carl G. Jung's name throughout my life the way Sigmund Freud's had occasionally come to my attention. I had only the vaguest ideas about psychiatry, knowing that it wasn't like going to a doctor to get diagnosed, it took a long time. I asked:

"Is 'meaningful coincidence' the same thing as synchronicity? He answered "Yes."

Is "ideas of reference' something that happens when you just happen to open a book, no matter where you are, and what you read seems to relate to what you are thinking about? There is some 'relevance' to your thought, in what you just randomly pick out in a book ". I was going to say more but he interrupted me, he said: "Yes." and then proceeded to give different examples that I was going to try to describe myself. I noticed this was the first time in my life that someone had interrupted me and accurately finished what I was trying to say!!!!

I asked if 'meaningful coincidence, and synchronicity was the same thing as 'ideas of reference'. He said: "Yes." then he volunteered more information, telling me he'd experienced it himself when he was in medical training. He told me he was going to lose his medical status until he found a Jungian group. There he found validation for his experiences.

"Is the experience of 'getting messages from irrational sources' the same thing as 'meaningful coincidences' and 'synchronicity'? He answered: "Yes."

( I asked that question because I had read a definition for 'ideas of reference' in a dictionary, it wasn't Webster's dictionary, it was a psychiatric dictionary. The definition was short and direct: "Getting messages from irrational sources." I didn't know what the word 'irrational' meant until about 1990 after I'd finished reading The Greeks and the Irrational, by E. R. Dodds.

I was surprised to say the least, that the 'irrational' was material in every day life that the 'rational mind' does not experience! To some people the products of imagination, or emotions are not experienced; there are individuals who do not experience directly, their own inner content even when someone else (or some object ) 'mirrors' it. But they don't know it contains information in a different form than the 'rational' mind produces. (At this point I suggest Silvano Arieti's Creativity, The Magic Synthesis, he described the eras of thought of the past, and the 'new' rational thought. It's about as explicit and accurate as anything I've read.)

I had heard my self described as 'chaos itself' many times, and I'd been told that my thinking was 'immaterial', literally, many, many times, I had been told that listening to me was like hearing 'chaos itself' speak. I had become aware myself, in a very unique way that I was mentally bonded with my husband, and that's a long story. The kind of marital bond we had was not superficial, it really created the experiences I had in 1984, over a span of more than 3 decades.

(Dr. Levy had a certificate on his wall that certified that he had 'met the collective unconscious' and understood his experiences. I scheduled an appointment with him, because there was a marital situation in my life that I believed he could give me very much needed help and guidance. I understood very little in 1988, when I called Dr. Levy, just barely aware that the 'ideas of reference' were caused by that bond. He knew exactly what I meant, but he was not very helpful. He understood that I was literally 'experiencing' the world through the same mindset that was the normal mindset of the man I had married and lived with for about 27 years by 1988. That's when I had just begun to understand my own 1984 mindquake. I told him that 'ideas of reference/synchronicity/meaningful coincidences' was really 'second under lying contexts' and he told me a couple of weeks later that was an excellent and accurate definition. I had noticed a distinct 'second underlying context' arise in my mind, by 1988.

I remember that we talked about a book I'd just finished reading, The Origin Of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind by Julian Jaynes. The ideas in the book had such an effect on my body, I felt a sense of familiarity when I read the book although they were all new to me. And a sense of familiarity had been happening when I read any book since 1985. It seemed that the words I read in a book were somehow already in my thought, that had begun to be noticeable when I read F. David Peat's book, Synchronicity, The Bridge Between Mind and Matter. I had a distinct feeling when I read that book, that somehow he was writing words that were already in my thought, I already 'knew' them.

That didn't happen in every book, sometimes my mind seemed to take what I'd read and then 'work' with what I'd read. That's a different kind of event, it really was distinct only after I read Carl Sagan's book Contact. Much can be written about THAT! I had been noticing my own 'thought' since the dream, keep that in mind, but a change had altered how I experienced what was outside of my body after 1984 and that change had been sporadic after 1982 just random events, sprinkled into every day life had 'affected' me strangely). Apparently he read Julian Jaynes book himself after I mentioned it, because in 1989 he gave a presentation to the local Jung Society in which he mentioned it had 'blown his mind' when he read it. I didn't hear that lecture until sometime in the mid 1990's when I started being librarian once a month and I noticed his tapes and listened to all of them. He's not very professional in his speaking but in my opinion his information was much more valuable and basically complete than other speakers that are very well known in Jungian circles.)

The stream of thought about the dream remained on a stream that moved through my mind and never shut down so I could sleep at night or rest at any time. But the content slowly veered away and new content slowly emerged without my noticing that until it was pointed out to me in a very subtle way in 1989. That event was somewhat hilarious because it happened when I was resting, or trying to rest a few minutes in the restroom, I was literally 'on the john', my eyes were closes and a sudden vivid colorful image came into my mind. It was an image of my hand, with my lower bridge work in it. The other hand reached in, picked it up and turned it over, then again and again. A thought, actually a sequence of thought occurred as this happened: "Chew on it some more. Think about the whole thing. Think about the implications of the whole thing." I didn't have to 'think' myself, I had only to 'watch' and 'listen' because a display of memories of the 1982 event happened, then long strings of 'coincidences' revealed that I'd been told my last name, and that I'd learned from the so called 'symptoms' of mental disorders, they were as the definition I'd read, messages from irrational sources, and I'd had to recognize every 'bit of information' as well as how information was being brought to me, perfectly timed in a way I could not possibly have foreseen or arranged.

The 'band of thought' that carried the thought about the dream, began to have other content, not connected with the dream but I had not noticed that. It was made very distinct when 'think about the implications of the whole thing' generated a relationship to David Bohm's book, Wholeness and the Implicate Order, and several other books I'd read by such authors as Paul Davies, John Gribbon and of course the first book in which I recognized the word 'synchronicity', F. David Peat's 'Synchronicity, the Bridge Between Mind and Matter.

I had begun to read books about quantum physics in 1986. Other Worlds by Paul Davies was the first one I read. It came to my attention when I passed through the library and noticed it laying on a table. I had just finished reading The Presence of Other Worlds by Wilson Van Dusen, and just prior to reading THAT book I'd managed to struggle through a wretchedly confusing book that seemed to demand I read it even when I didn't understand it or like it, Steppenwolfe by Herman Hesse. It's about a man that has extremely weird experiences, his thinking is that of a man that believed he had a beast inside him. The fact that a man could have the sense he has a 'beast' within him was new to me. I made no connections between the bizarre ideas in the book and what Wilson van Dusen wrote in his book which is basically drawn from the effects that Emanuel Swedenborg's writings had on him in his work as a psychologist. I wrote to him later, a couple of times, and he answered.

The words in Wilson Van Dusens' book did not in any way link up with the strange experiences of the divided man in the book until years later when a pattern was very distinct then. It was obvious that 'man' has another level of 'being', several layers of 'being', and some of them, are invisible, to the man. Man does not 'see' and experience much of his own activity.

What may read as unbelievable is that it took me more than 10 years to really be certain what had happened that changed my thinking and how my body felt. The changes were not from the causes I'd been told was producing all of the new to me 'effects' in my mind, my body and my speech. There was a great distance and it was a mental distance, between 'normal for me' and what was at work in my mind, I was watching the way I had watched what was outside of my body. My mind was producing images, memories and was using what was in front of me at the moment. I felt 'distanced' from what my body was doing, I was curious, more curious than I had ever been but also very much involved. .

An event happened one day at work that caused me to begin to realize that I was reading books that described to me what was happening in my own head and in my actual physical life. (Safety Secrets is about that event.) It was virtually impossible to prove even to myself, until real world physical events happened that made it so distinct that even someone as slow to learn as I am had to acknowledge it. What I was doing and in a sense my physical location were being 'said' to me!!!1

I did not think of the dream as an 'initiatory event'; it was not what I associated with the 'non-stop thinking' because other changes happened at that time. I believed the non-stop thinking was the result of a severe blow on my head. And shortly before the dream I'd been told I had 'severe menopausal syndrome' so I believed the non-stop thinking was an effect of physical world 'causes'.

The 'vein' of thought content that was generated by the dream was really about the dream only in a superficial way. The streaming thought was all and always about the man that had put his arm across my shoulder, the real live caller. The other man was not ever part of the thought created in that stream of thought after the dream. The fact that he used recordings of well known callers was an important detail, it represented another fact about what was in my future.

I could not understand how a short dream could create that much 'thought' about that one man, just that one man. I didn't know anything about interpreting dreams. Just the stream itself captured my attention and held it riveted in place. Naturally, I was curious about it; it was natural to wonder how a dream could generate so much thought.

In 1984 my attention was fixed on what was going on in my head, without my having any clue of what was going to happen, although a few perfectly timed incidents that I didn't think of as 'coincidences' had happened. I was already different even in 1980 when Mt. St. Helens erupted nearby.

My attention had been captured, arrested, held in place, already focused and certain incidents that had happened in my real life by the time I was 13 years old had been established as 'reference points' for later use, along with the effects of an impulse that had caused me to discover privately something that later I learned from books or some person. It was the impulse itself, that often caused me to do something when it created a thought, and I acted on the thought without hesitation or questioning. It has caused me to think I had a 'fairy' at times, I was 'lucky' often enough to feel a bit smug about it.

Every photograph that I took for 2 years was out of focus, hazy but I didn't notice that either until much later. I had a picture of myself taken that was computerized, digitized 0,X and I looked at it a few years later thinking: I felt that way when that picture was made, machinelike, mechanical! I had never made such comparisons, and didn't know that I had never made such comparisons, as being 'like' something!

I had no curiosity about those events after each happened, I didn't think about the first one, the second one, or the third one. I gave no thought at all to the precise timing and the location of each event. I had no curiosity about the probability of such precise timing.

My mind and body were different after 1982, and remember I'd been told I had 'severe' menopausal syndrome, and that I had symptoms which happened to only a small percentage of females who have a complete hysterectomy. Everything was changed at about the time the dream happened, but I was already completely focused on real world problems and nobody asked about the content of the 'non-stop thinking' when I began to see a psychiatrist in 1983. Nobody ever asked about that!!! I found out my 'symptoms' were a pattern that was well known even when I was a very young girl.

The remarkable timing of those few events that I noticed were perfectly timed didn't impress me for some time and I mean a period of years. My mind was a busy place after 1983. When 1984 scrolled into Time I was focused on trying to regain skills I'd lost. Everything that had been easy for me to do was suddenly difficult or impossible and I felt wretched in my body, which literally seemed 'wired'. I felt 'trembly'. I couldn't sit still, lay still, rest or concentrate. I was getting lost when I tried to go to familiar places, I couldn't type even one line without making many errors and I had only a manual typewriter. I couldn't balance our monthly bank statements, even one of them although I worked for hours trying to do what had been a half hour task for more than 3 decades.

My thought was an object of curiosity after 1984, I was watching what was going on in my mind in addition to struggling in my every day life. Something was happening at times that made me not only curious but I felt dizzy, really dizzy quite often for no reason I could understand. Wooziness overcame me and I had difficulty really standing up. Why? I could not see a reason why. My hearing was very much changed after 1984, but this new hearing happened only occasionally prior to 1984. It made me feel strange when it happened, sometimes almost like a shock in my body. I heard the live caller, only that one man, with this new hearing a few times when we were dancing or in a lesson with him. An example that is most important happened one night when he was going to introduce a movement that's difficult to do because it can be called from so many positions. He told us that it's important to learn a movement correctly the first time because nobody ever goes back to unlearn the wrong way.

He was looking around the room then his eyes met mine at just the point where he said: "You've got to get this right the first time." and I nearly lost orientation from the effect of the words. Still looking at me he added: "What you get used to gets to be normal." and I heard that remark also, but in a completely different way than I'd heard "You've got to get this right the first time." The second remark seemed to be an answer to a question in my thought/mind that I had not said anything to anyone about, ever. It was a question that I could not put into words, it was just a matter of curiosity because his wife had made some remarks to me that had me puzzled. I was trying to teach her to sew and she made certain remarks about her husband and herself that seemed somehow very literally true but somehow I understood her in a way she didn't see herself. "I want us to live the way my parents did, they were two people living as one." There was a picture of her parents in a fond embrace above the hall in their home, which she told me reminded her always of what she wanted. Somehow she seemed to be getting what she wanted, literally but in a different way than I could have understood consciously at that point in Time. I couldn't see any reason for my peculiar curiosity about them. What I saw and thought about when he made the remark that 'What you get used to gets to be normal." was literally unspeakable. I didn't know anything then that I know now about 'marital bonds' or 'conjugal love' in the way Swedenborg described it in his book. He described two angels forming one. I read at about that time somewhere that nobody has successfully restored the bonds in a couple when their chemistry is severed. That read as very odd, 'chemical bonds' in relationships? In his contexts its' not a bad thing but it was not until 1988 that I first acquired a book authored by Emanuel Swedenborg and that was Heaven and Hell. I read Conjugal Love much later.

I heard the second remark in a context that I would have to describe at length, but the mechanism that produced the 'strange feeling' itself would also have to be described. I heard the words that were meant to address the class but the same words seemed to answer a question I'd not said aloud to anyone. The effect was like a shock. It was a very new kind of event to hear a person say something that 'shocked' me. But there were other kinds of events that were also new to me, my mind was busy, by body felt wretched, my habits had changed and I was more curious than I had ever been in my life and I began to become focused on trying to keep going 'normally'.

It took years to be certain that a 'second underlying context' arose spontaneously in my mind, after a thought occurred into my mind or when I heard or read something. It was sporadic at first but it was constant after 1984. The point of change was very specific because it was so rapid, and had many different attributes but it was a few years in duration! That one attribute took a long time to identify. I was somehow experiencing a kind of 'doubleness' without being able to use that word to define it. Eventually the correct words came to me, as though they knew my location on the planet.

The result was 'self reflection' but it was obvious to me that I was not causing the events to happen myself. Prior to 1984 this mechanism that 'reflected back' whatever content had been 'selected' to be 're-heard' was very sporadically operating, very occasionally creating an event.

Afterwards when I went into 'therapy' because there were no physical wounds to account for my misery and the changes, other situations in my life were brought to my attention and much to my surprise that was my own marital situation. I had not suspected anyone would relate to my changed mental and physical circumstances! My marital life had changed radically, but I had not associated my marital problems to my very much changed body and mind circumstances.

After 1984 the visible part of the mindquake (which was only a small part of the entire package) affected me immediately my first response was outrage. I felt my husband had tricked me. I was outraged at him until the first mindquake in1989 happened. The second mindquake occurred and it obviously built upon what had happened after the 1984 event, it was really a 'second stage' of the first mindquake. In 5 years I'd had many, many experiences in my real life, but my thought world was where I was primarily focused and there was a distinct relationship between my thought and what was happening in my real world!

After the 1984 mindquake I believed my personal relationship in my marriage had caused the changes, because I had noticed a condition that has a name: folie aux duex . "The same disease shared by two people." It was obvious to me there was a shared condition, although it was really a kind of 'role reversal' between us, because I noticed the reversal in small habits he'd had that I'd never had

I did not understand what the word 'disease' meant when I became aware of this 'shared mindset'. It really changed what I saw, how I felt, and especially it affected my thought world in a very visible way. It's possible to identify a person by their speech, and certain new thought occurred that was distinctly my mother -in laws way of speaking. The coloration of certain new thought was 'like' my husband's mother!!! And it was obviously how his thought world was experienced by him during the first 25+ years of our marriage. Something had changed him from being constantly 'worried' to being constantly 'at peace' about everything. The oddest thing about that change was that it changed nothing at all!! I was amazed when it became obvious that a radical change from being so 'worried' about even the smallest detail to being literally 'carefree' so that every thing seemed perfect just as it is could happen and that the effect was no change at all. From feeling 'helpless to change anything' to feeling that 'nothing needed changed' reversed 'polarities' so to speak, on a 'mono-polar' level. I became thought full, really care full, literally. And the 'literal sense itself' had begun to make itself evident to me in the places where we went to square dance. We were really a cult by then. I saw and heard much that puzzled me and made me feel 'dizzy' literally after the dream.

The content of some of my habits changed and I recognized the source of the change: One in particular made it impossible to not recognize the reversal: I seemed to find 'Dead End Streets' as though I was looking for them. That's a habit, or problem he had always had, while I could almost drive directly to where I wanted to go even in a strange area.

Also I found myself compelled, literally to read non-fictions and could not choose to read fictions as a result! I could not remember what I read the way I had, and a couple of habits were so specific that it was not possible to not know what had happened. It's called 'transference' in psychiatric texts but I'd not read any of them even in 1989. The change in my memory was distressing, and to some degree that hasn't changed.

The 'non-stop thinking' moved through my mind, day and night; it never stopped and I was 'watching, listening, paying attention' to the content of thought which was always about the one man that had put a friendly arm across my shoulder. The content was about that one man in the dream for at least 6 years! A part of me was not only attentive but was extremely curious about how a simple dream could produce so much thought. But keep in mind that I believed the cause was that I'd had a blow on the head in an accident and other natural world causes.

The dream and the changes in my thought were unconnected until I had the second mindquake, and that happened to me in 1989. I was made aware in that event that the changes I'd believed to have been caused by natural world causes in my home and in my life really had begun even before the dream. The real cause was the effects of the event my husband had described as 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker' on him, and our relationship. He had passed through several 'stages' without noticing them, but they were brought to my attention in the first 1989 event.

There had also been another initiatory mindquake that I'd not noticed that had happened in 1982 while I waited for a square dance lesson to begin. That night memories from my past that I'd forgotten about as well as more recent memories were retrieved for no reason I understood until they were explained in the first 1989 mindquake. By then I understood the double fault line that had been exposed, from the beginning of Eve's burden to the fact that the described life of the female, the stereotyped expectations of the female were installed in the collective mind of males, probably not all of them in the same way. But my individual real world experience was not in either of those roles. I'd had to learn to understand and think in a new way about what everything meant after 1984 so that by 1989 I realized my own mind had begun to pluck out memories from my past that closely represented in some symbolic form what was happening, as a kind of description given TO me!!! I'd had to notice this but had not really recognized the significance of being 'told' what was happening in that form. That was brought to my attention also. It revealed what I had not noticed myself by vividly bringing back memories of things I'd forgotten.

This happened in a kind of 'movie like form' that I understood immediately. It really reached back beyond the accident and other things that had happened that I'd believed were the effects of brain damage, back to an event my husband had mentioned only briefly to me, but many times as 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker'. He told me that he'd been told everything he would need to know in that event. And he had become hopeless as a result of that belief, that he could not change anything. "I cannot change anything. You will have to change."

In 1982 there was a situation that was the result of my husband and I becoming so interested in square dancing just at a point when these two men begun to introduce advanced and challenge level dancing to mainstream dancers. By 1984 the situation was anxiety producing to a high degree because the mainstream dancers we knew began to discriminate against those of us who were working to learn advanced and challenge level square dancing, and I had not experienced discrimination before! It was humiliating, embarrassing, confusing to me to be laughed at although I didn't understand that their reasoning was that it is not 'fun' to have to work so hard, to have to put effort into learning to do both the male and female parts. That especially made square dancing much more difficult'. It took real effort to do what was supposed to be a fun hobby.

The 1982 event had happened one night when I looked around the room and several memories from my past were retrieved, one in particular had happened when I was entering a new school, in a new town, and I was angry, outraged at my parents for moving and very disappointed, very lonely. A new classmate came over to talk to me, she made me feel less lonely. The content of the dream did not mean anything to me until the 1989 mindquake happened and all the strange events that happened after 1984 happened. The dream really told me what was happening at the time it happened! I had begun a new school and a different kind of new friend was with me now. Other events happened in the two years prior to 1984 that prevented me from believing I or anyone I knew or had known was creating those events. They came from outside me or anyone who participated,

So much information was given to me in the first of the two 1989 mindquakes, but the first one only went back to 1982, retrieving the memories of what I'd thought one night while I waited for a lesson to begin. Afterwards I'd begun to hear him in a different way occasionally, and was confused for some time by this change of hearing. Now I realize many individuals experience it very much as I did, with a sense of 'unreality', real dizziness and a feeling of literally being 'off balance'.

The kind of 'event' that I had in 1984 was new to me, but I found out slowly it's an experience others can have, some do have somewhat consciously intending to have it, but others who do not notice it at all, because it's not possible to detect different 'thought producing' areas in the mind I suspect. My mind changed radically after 1982, that was what made me notice and become curious about the 'new' thought content in the scrolling band of thought. Other thought began at some time, but it was never about the dream, it was not constant it was at first 'archaic' in form. I wondered about that too.

(The parable of the good seed seems to me to be 'about' the continuum, the pattern that carries this kind of experience. I believe the pattern was old when the parable was written. The mechanisms of mind that operate in the 'unconscious' were not 'named' until Freud began to name them, but they existed when the 'parables' in the bible were written. But oddest of all things, the individual may not know it because as Carl Jung said, "The unconscious is really unconscious." I differ with that, there's a division within 'man', almost as though two separated intelligences exist, a real 'disassociated' other person that seems to be outside, in the material world, but only in this particular relationship. The mechanisms of mind that create 'self observation' were known to the ancient Greeks, their myths are their 'names' for them. The 'parable making' mechanism of mind and the 'dream forming' mechanism of mind created information using what was in front of me to 'talk' to me continually after 1984.

I became aware that what's the deepest part of my mind is not unconscious, it is constantly aware of what's in front of me but I noticed this is true in other people before I realized it about my self. The so called 'unconscious mind' actually speaks through a persons mouth, saying things that the individual does not hear, or relate to or understand and the body does things the so called 'conscious mind' does not see or remember afterwards. That was a shock to begin to recognize.

(The discovery of psychiatry as a field is based on the recognition that 'meaning' can be found behind what a person does without awareness. That is what Freud recognized, that there is meaning in every day pathology, and every day pathology is 'forgetting, slips of the tongue, mistakes, etc.')

More than 15 years, event filled years passed after the dream before I understood it literally depicted to me what was happening at the time. The stream of thought that began afterwards was always about the man who had put his arm around my shoulder.

The important details were: A live caller and one that used 'recordings' of other callers to teach were in the dream. Both were both silent in the dream. There were no words or sounds from them. A thought occurred as a kind of comment, that I knew I'd read in a book,. I witnessed my 'thought' while I was in bed, but I saw and felt as though I were standing in a room. .

After that dream a band of 'non-stop thinking' began to move through my mind. The stream of thought was about the dream and this one man 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, without stopping so that I could not sleep normally. The dream created so much thought content that I was astonished that a short dream, even as vivid as it had been, could generate so much thought. Obviously the stream of thought had primary attention but I was unawares there IS primary and secondary attention in 1981.

I had also noticed an almost unbearable noise in my head that did not seem to come from my ears. When I noticed it the first time I wept and sobbed: "Oh, no! No one could ever get used to that!" The noise was a combination of sounds, I have never been able to describe it, tuning fork vibrations, whistle, steam emissions, I had no silence in my 'head' afterwards. The dream and the noise occurred at somewhat the same time as best I remember now.

For at least 4+ years after 1982 the stream of 'non-stop thinking' moved relentlessly through my mind, then a very gradual change of content that I didn't notice myself, began to slip into it. That was pointed out in the first 1989 mindquake. By then I was reading books about quantum level physics a topic that I felt no interest in, but I was compelled somehow to read the books that caught my attention. I remembered having read in some magazine or book that 'mentally ill' people often become interested in topic beyond their social level, that memory occurred to me a few times.

When the movie Sleepless In Seattle came out, I bitterly remarked to myself that it was about me.

10 years later I had barely begun to understand the form in which a message about my life was being conveyed to me in the dream. Because I don't dream very often it was quite unique. I'd had two re-occurring dreams when I was very young but they were just dreams. I'd had 3 major 'mindquakes' by then but also I'd learned to recognize a part of my mind was presenting a kind of 'thought' that in net effect 'read' life events and generated meaning automatically. I had learned to relate to the variety of content in my mind in a very different way than my 'normal' way of understanding anything. Psychiatry as a 'field of knowledge' is about learning to read life events and get meaning from them that ordinary logic and reasoning do not convey.

That was the dream. At this point you may return to the main page. What follows isn't necessary to read at this point.

It was a first of it's kind event. Knowing I was in my bed, asleep I recognized that a thought had occurred into my mind that I remembered having read in a book. I realized while I was asleep that the words had been abstracted exactly as it had been written from a book I'd read many years ago! This kind of 'abstraction' happened in two years later in 1984 when I was making a skirt that seemed impossible. As I struggled and felt driven to make the skirt from a remnant that was not big enough, from a pattern that I'd owned for several years but never opened. a comment this man had made to a square dance class was retrieved and regenerated in my thought, in exactly the same way: "You've got to get this right the first time." was what he said to the class, but I'd felt startled then, it was almost a kind of shock when he said those words. The next thing he said was differently experienced but it was also retrieved later: "What you get used to gets to be normal." He seemed to look directly at me when he said those two sentences, each of which were retrieved in slightly different contexts. The directive to 'get this right the first time' that I experienced as I worked so strangely on the skirt was a repetition but the context was clearly not related to learning a difficult square dance movement.

This was all my own thought it seemed. I remembered those words had been Rosemary's thought, while she was in a drugged state, being impregnated. She had waked up somewhat. The book had fascinated me so much that I read it in one afternoon.

I've been affected by Ira Levin's books, particularly his This Perfect Day in a way that I'd have to write quite a lot about. I'll try to be brief, it's quite a book and I suggest reading it. It's one of two books that I've read that had produced a real 'shock' when I turned a page and began to read a new chapter. Chip is the main character in the book, he goes through a terrible struggle to get to a certain place, he opens a door what is behind the door 're-wrote' his understanding of the past in a flash of time! He's intending to destroy 'UNI' the computer that makes all the decisions that govern his world. But now he realizes he's been watched carefully and even encouraged in his terrible struggle to find it! What is behind the door is a huge audience, cheering him, welcoming him and offering him the opportunity to be one of the 'programmers' of UNI!!!

The other book was Myra Breckenridge. There's a point where the narration in the book by an 'insane' Myra switches without warning into a calm composed narration by a sane Myron. He has emerged from a 'crazy' she. I experienced a kind of shock when I read the change in narration.

There was a much more drastic point of change in This Perfect Day when Chip, the hero in the book opened a door and what he saw was so unexpected (at least by me) that I felt as stunned as though I were really the character in the book, standing before the door with a gun at my back, held by a man that had seemed to be a helpful friend, a loyal member of a small group of individuals that wanted to find and then destroy the computer that ruled their Time. What was on the other side of the door shocked me as though I were Chip, literally.

The memory of how I felt was stored away for later use, as were the few words of thought that were abstracted from Rosemary's Baby. Certain remarks the caller that put his arm around my shoulder were also retrieved in the same way, when the 1984 mindquake actually happened to me. I was making the skirt when "You've got to get this right the first time." came into my thought. I was weary, nearly inert and comatose in my every day life activities, but driven in other activities.

In the Dream, I was somehow awake while sleeping, physically standing in a room with two men. I had felt myself walking from my bedroom to this room, which was some 4 miles away. One man was welcoming, friendly and socially graceful. The other man had made me feel very strange in real life, because he seemed unapproachable. This man had nothing of the easy friendliness of the other man, he had a reputation for being harsh, some people had told me he was 'mean' to his dancers. He and his wife were both demanding of their dancers in a way that was the opposite of the other man. They were both teachers of advanced and challenge levels of square dancing, but the man who had made me welcome in the dream made it difficult to belong to his club because of his reputation for being 'mean' to his dancers. I had heard a lot about him before my husband and I went to their club. We'd moved to a location near them.

I had begun to feel something akin to a craving to get to know him, partly because I wanted to clarify something that I thought he believed that wasn't true. I was very interested in their club and it seemed to me my interest was being interpreted as a crush on him. For some reason that was so painful to me I felt a terrible anguish at being misunderstood and misinterpreted but the anguish was caused by a sense that I couldn't say what I did feel. I felt an increasingly painful sense of grief and pity.

That grief had emerged one night, quite suddenly and for no reason I could understand but I was owned by it by the time I had the dream. I had felt the beginning of a need to get to know him, to talk to him and I felt that what I wanted to say was unspeakable. Literally it was. I remember that I wrote many letters trying to explain to him what I couldn't explain even to myself, then finally I did write a brief letter and give it to him. The contents of which I can't remember exactly now, but it conveyed that he was not alone. I felt nothing sexual at any time, which puzzled me. My interest in him was so intense that even I wondered how to explain it to myself. My need to get to know this man was transferred later, onto a much broader scale, he was a model for a much larger 'need' than mine.

After the dream I didn't sleep normally for years. Thought about the dream scrolled through my mind, generated by the dream always until about 1986 or thereabouts. I wondered to myself about how a short vivid dream could generate so much thought. There was not one moment when any thought occurred in that stream of scrolling content that was not about the man and the dream. I cannot begin to put any of it into words, but I was curious about it, as well as extremely troubled by not being able to normally sleep. I heard sounds around me all night, I observed the scrolling thought, and did not wake up from the normal oblivion of deep sleep until a medication that worked was given to me. It was Halcion, which was supposed to be given only for a short time. It was prescribed for me and I took it for more than two years until I realized that it was having an effect on me that caused me to decide to not take it. I pinched off tiny bits of the small pill and over a period of months managed to not take the pill. I did not talk to the therapist I was seeing about the effect, or the content of the dream, or the dream itself. I did mention very frequently the 'non-stop thinking' that kept me awake every night.

I kept working at Boeing except for a period of a few months in 1986 when I was an outpatient in group therapy. I had never been in such a setting and that initiated me into experiencing psychiatric ideas for the first time. I had some very unusual experiences in those few months, which I felt in my body and it was a very uncomfortable shell around me by 1984 and afterwards.

Context: (Advanced and challenge levels of square dancing require learning to dance both male and female roles, which makes an already complicated dance, very much more complicated. It was the removal of gender roles and positions that angered the mainstream dancers so that All Position Dancing (APD) was the 'f' word in the late 1970's and into the late 1980's. It was a new idea that gender roles be banished, and it was unacceptable to the majority of mainstream level dancers.

For the first time in my life I experienced what it feels like to be discriminated against. That's not to say I had not been discriminated against, I just had not experienced it.

It's an important detail that the friendly, gracious and socially adept man and his wife had brought advanced and challenge levels of square dancing to our area. He was not a caller himself but they were accomplished dancers. He was trying to develop a club so he and hs wife would be able to dance at the level they loved. He used taped recordings of famous callers to teach his class and he put no barriers up to anyone that wanted to dance with his club. Anyone that wanted to come was made welcome. The other man was a live caller; he and his wife were the opposite in many ways of the other couple. They made it difficult to say the least, to belong to their club. They insisted nobody could dance with their club unless they took lessons with him, even if they belonged to the other club already. The wife told me it was their dream that he become nationally well known, and that seemed possible. He had a particular skill that aroused passionate devotion and support in the members who managed to survive what seemed to be harsh criticism and demands for perfection that ordinary callers wouldn't expect or try to attain. (Their club ignored the basic rule of square dance callers in that he did not call to a level where most dancers could keep dancing. He did not lower his level, his dancers had to work hard to reach the level he called. He was quite brusque and tactless in his lessons, and he did often expose his own dancers to derision from mainstream observers when we couldn't dance to his calling. We were laughed at by our mainstream club's caller and I felt it very much. .

The 'hard' man and his wife had a club but it remained small and that meant he couldn't expand his own calling skills. The club had a reputation that prevented the growth of their own club, in fact the only reason we finally decided to join them, was that we moved away from our mainstream club to the city where they were active.

After she told me what they were aiming for, I noticed quite slowly over a period of time between 1979 and 1985 that they were doing everything to destroy their hearts desire! I actually began to experience this as 'mixed signals' first, I didn't know I was seeing their physical efforts being apparently sabotaged by their own mindset. Then I felt the pain of being in a real 'double bind' situation in my body. My thought world changed radically.

I could not have grasped that a shift had taken place: this content in the dream was what I was looking at primarily, and that what was going on in the exterior world where my 'normal activities had my attention, had receded into 'secondary perception'. There was a chasm of space, a real abyss between them, as I found out slowly, when I felt compelled to do many things myself that I didn't want to do. I saw my hand reach for certain books, a part of me selected the books and I felt compelled to read them.

Another task was imposed on me, that I experienced as a 'drive': I felt compelled to capture a word of the thought that was moving on that primary band of thought. It was a task that was assigned somehow without my knowing what I was supposed to accomplish. I felt driven, compelled to hold one word of thought, capture it, hold it in mind long enough to write it down!!. One day I managed to do that.

The term 'racing thought' may describe this band of thought, that once it had moved into visibility scrolled away, each word vanished but without seeming to be 'fast', or any different from ordinary thought. Actually my husband told me I was 'thinking too fast'! That remark which he made several times made no sense to me at all! It was a puzzling thing to me, that my husband often remarked during that phase that I should 'slow down'; "you're thinking too fast" which indicates in retrospect that he had 'insight' which I did not myself have into the 'band of thought' that scrolled so relentlessly through my mind.

The content was not 'faster' than other thought, it could not be 'remembered' or 'retrieved' after it had moved through my mind. What marked it so distinctly was that it took so long to 'capture' one word, hold it in mind, rush to get paper and pen, write it down! And I felt compelled to do something that I understood only after having achieved the task! I've seen toddlers 'work' the same way I observed myself do, they seem to have to search for and then reach for what they want to say.

An unusual thing happened when I managed to hold one word in mind long enough to write it down. I cannot describe how I felt driven to do this, or how I was 'rewarded' when the task was accomplished, when I wrote one word from that stream of thought, on paper. I stood looking at it, the word I had 'captured'' and a memory came to mind: It was a scene from a movie, The Miracle Worker, in which Ann Bancroft as the Teacher is holding Helen's hand under water that's streaming from a hand pump. It's a moment full of tension and emotion, Helen is screaming, trying to get away but her Teacher holds her captive, while she inscribed the word for 'water' on Helen's arm. When Helen begins to 'get the message' her teacher is attempting to convey, Helen is quiet, then astonished as a 'breakthrough' occurs. She has learned her first word, made an association between the 'thing', i.e. water, and the hand symbols she's learned. The feeling of having made a 'breakthrough' myself, did not come immediately but afterwards it emerged, faintly then definitely.

Two other incidents happened shortly afterwards, in which I felt that I'd made a 'breakthrough', accomplishing a task without being told what it was, but doing it without instruction other than from the 'drive' and noticing a relationship to what I was doing physically and books I found randomly and didn't have the sense of choosing myself. I had begun to say words of my own, after having to abstract each one from a chaos of words, a real abyss laying between thought on that level and articulatable speech.

It does not seem unlikely that this 'drive' is different from what caused a toddler like my youngest son, and my daughter to seem to have to 'reach' for words, to have difficulty bringing them into speech.

The content of this stream of thought remained on this one man, and it was concerned with certain circumstances in his life that I had begun to notice. His relationship to his wife had become somewhat puzzling to me. His wife had been coming to my house every week for a year to try to learn to sew by the time I had the dream. She'd mentioned something about him one day, that he loved her so much he could not bear to be away from her for even one night. It seemed to be true, he was extremely co-operative, considerate and solicitous it seemed to me, of his wife. They had a kind of bond, which at that point didn't make sense to me, my own husband was quite different.

There was a kind of gossip about them also, I wasn't the only one that noticed something unusual also in their relationship as I found out later, although nobody said anything about it, until one day I mentioned something about his clothing. The person I'd made the remark to pounced on it eagerly, as though he'd been aching to say something himself.

I'd had something happen that brought the idea out into the open: The caller wore the same clothing he obviously had a very limited wardrobe, he'd worn the same clothes for years. Then one day his wife had asked me to help mend some of his shirts. She brought them to me I saw they were threadbare, impossible to mend. I asked her why they didn't shop for new shirts for him. Her face changed radically, it was a face filled with of emotion and pain. The words she said seemed torn from her: "But we can't find any clothing that fits him." He was not overweight, he was average height for a man, and he could easily find clothing anywhere. That was not possible for her to do, she was tall and she had a weight problem and this was before 'Big and Beautiful Clothing' was available. "She sees her problem but it seems to her that he has it!"

I don't know how to explain why I didn't say: "You can easily find clothing for him, why would you say what you just said, it's not true, obviously. Anyone else can see it would be easy to find clothing for him, although you do have that problem. What is wrong with your eyesight?"

This kind of situation happened again in another incident with another couple we knew. A woman who was extremely critical of her husband in public as well as at home said something that revealed they were 'bonded' mentally in the same way. She was a very grouchy woman, her face was lined with frown lines and his was the opposite, creases around his mouth, eyes and nose were 'smiley' all the time. She remarked many times that he should not frown so much, and one night I noticed that he was smiling, she was frowning. "She sees her frown but it's on his face!" That incident made me feel very strange until I understood what was going on in my own life.

I saw that this caller was an extra ordinarily devoted husband to her in contrast with the disagreeable personality he displayed to his dancers. The sense that something didn't make sense, a kind of 'mixed signals situation' that impacted my body was the original source of my increasing attention towards him.

Another incident similar to what I've tried to describe happened as best I can date it in about 1988. Some spontaneous mental activity and a retrieval of a memory from my past 'explained it' to me in connection to e = mc^2.

I can't remember exactly what it was that I was typing but in the course of what I was doing the equation was in front of me, I'd typed it but didn't know how to change the '2' into the little '2' that means 'squared', the power of 2. As I looked at what I'd typed, 'thought' words occurred to me: "It's an anagram." Somehow as soon as the words of thought occurred, they were followed by the memory of having read those exact words in Rosemary's Baby . She had remarked: "The name, it's an anagram." The memory had been abstracted from a book and inserted into my thought. The context is that Rosemary has begun to make sense of the weird situations in her life.

While I was slightly perplexed at the recognition of "It's an anagram.", what happened next was that I 'saw' an anagram in what was in front of me!

The letters, the 'equals' symbol and the number in e = m c 2 was also associated instantly in my mind with something that Einstein was supposed to have remarked: "Nonsense, God does not play dice!" . He'd made that remark when a certain flaw in his formula was recognized. I'd read about that in George Gamows' One, Two, Three Infinity, which I'd read after my husband read the book shortly after getting out of the army.

But that was not the only retrieval of memories from my past that occurred in a flash of time. Another incident happened, while I paused trying to think how to change the number 2, into the '2 squared' symbol. There were many, many incidents in my past that were related to that moment and they flashed as a unit into my mind. One memory was of something a sixth grade teacher had said one day: "What is on one side of the 'equals' sign is the same as what is on the other side of the equals sign except the arrangement is different." A sixth grade teacher, Jack Bullock had remarked to us one day that the rules of arithmetic don't change. .

I did not try to find anything hidden or try to see what was hidden, it was suddenly displayed in my mind. I recognized that "e = m c 2" was actually readable basically in reverse as a kind of rebus puzzle: 2 c me. And then I saw more: 'equals to see me' in relation to 'God does not play dice! It seemed funny that God might indeed take risks, gamble and engage in games of chance. This all happened inwardsly after the words of thought: "It's an anagram." occurred. along with the memory of where I'd read those words.

When this happened it was at a point when I had experienced many, many events of a very different kind than I could find words to describe. The experience itself was directing what my body did and I was without knowing it a detached observer of sorts, seeing not only what was outside of my body, but myself and what was going on in my mind. Which had changed radically after the dream.

I'd read quite a lot without having realized the books I'd found in many places, were actually providing words to describe what was happening, but this is getting ahead of myself. I'm just trying to explain the dream itself which I did not understand at all when it happened. In 1981 I was not my normal self., I was not searching for any thing at all. I just felt wretched, my life at home was wretched, I was driven to square dance the way some people feel compelled by an interest in religion to attend church several times a week.

Later, about 7 years later which would be about 1988, I'd recognized that when I read certain books, or parts of a book, or even smaller parts of an article I felt a sense of familiarity, or to put it more accurately a sense of reading words in a book that were already somehow, in my mind.

At times this was more than a sense of familiarity, there were precise words in a book that described or 'coincided' with exactly what I was physically doing! This was especially notable when I read F. David Peat's book, Synchronicity, The Bridge Between Mind and Matter. It seemed to me that what he was attempting to write about had two aspects, one of mathematics and the other of an on the scene observer. I had read the words "The Importance of an observer." in a book by Paul Davies, and I had recognized that those exact words had occurred into my mind as thought, one night in 1982.

That event was much more complicated and describing it now would sidetrack me more than I have digressed already. It was my first real 'mindquake', it set the stage for one that happened in 1989, but I didn't know that until I was made aware of it, in 1989.

The dream, the incident that happened in 1982, were linked to what was going to happen in 1984 but also to something my husband had experienced in his late teens, which he referred to only as 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker', when he spoke of it. It was an event that he mentioned somewhat frequently, but in very spare words. He told me he had been told everything he would ever need to know in that event, so if I had any problems with the way he was I should 'go sit under my apple tree and talk to his maker'.

That event had an effect in our lives, that I could not have understood until several years of experiencing the world through the 'lens' of that particular man.

I didn't understand the dream either until several years later, but the words, The Importance of an Observer" had come into my mind during that event in 1982 and it was not related in my mind then, to anything in my actual life.

The wife of the live square dance caller had told me her husband loved her so much he could not bear to leave her even for one night. After a time what she'd said seemed to be true, but strangely true. She had also told me she wanted to have the kind of marriage her parents had, that they had lived as one person. Later when I met her parents and remembered some things she'd told me, this began to seem true of her marriage also, but strangely tragically true. Her husband seemed devoted to her, was attentive and I knew that he did many things males do not usually do, at least not the husband I knew. Something about her idea which she'd told me was her hearts desire, of two people living as one person seemed oddly literal and not a good thing to hope for, in their context anyway.

The feeling that in a literal sense this 'wish' was being achieved begun to haunt me strangely, vaguely without words. There was a picture of her parents in a very strange location, over the entrance to a hallway. She told me it was so she would not forget her desire to be like her parents.

I wondered vaguely why she would want to have the same kind of marriage her parents had because something she'd told me lurked around my mind: I'd asked her about her thick glasses one day during a sewing session, if she'd always had such thick glasses. She told me that when she was in the second grade her teacher had told her parents she seemed to need glasses, so she'd been given glasses. But, she told me, the first pair made her very angry because they didn't change anything. Then her parents found out they were only thick window glass! So the second pair had made it possible for her to see . The sense of wondering to myself, why her own parents would not realize their child could not see for 8 years, emerged somewhat mistily in my mind, but I said nothing to her about this.

What was going on in my mind in 1981 had begun with the simple seeming situation: trying to learn to do advanced and challenge level square dancing, then finding that as a couple my husband and I had walked into a situation of 'opposites', without knowing anything about opposites. Every aspect of square dancing is about 'opposites' but with a different kind of mirroring than simple reflection. I'll write about that later, it's a kind of mirroring that I had to become aware of myself.

How I became aware of it is very important. I had to notice one fact that I had never thought about before in my life, or tried to do! I danced without noticing there were only a few formations, only a few standard patterns until one day this brusque man asked me tell him where I would be in the formation after doing 4 of the simplest movements. I had no idea what he was talking about. He walked away snorting with disdain, but after that moment I began to try to 'see' myself, move through the set with each move. IT WAS LIKE ENTERING A NEW WORLD, AND IT WAS NOT EASY TO DO. Visualizing in my mind, my body as I moved through the movements introduced me into a kind of activity I'd never done before and would not have thought of, ever probably except that one complicated movement added invisible people to the set. The need to learn to track those invisible 'phantoms' at challenge level required me to learn to track their movements in the set. They were constantly changing location, moving through formations that I'd not thought about.

The normal set has 8 real people moving about, but phantoms can be added, and they have to be interacted with as though they were real people.

The two men in the dream were the same in one idea: they were passionate about square-dancing but about how to teach it, they differed so much that they were real opposites. The one man was accommodating and basically welcomed everyone that wanted to belong to the club. But the other man had imposed strict standards on joining their club. It was the first and only club I've known about in which the husband and wife worked together the way this couple did, to write the figures he called. She and he worked as a pair in writing his figures, and they flowed when we could do them, in ways that were entrancing, fascinating and one wanted more of the wondrous sense of 8 people working as one. When we could accomplish them, which was not often for very long there was a gorgeous feeling, we were hooked on that feeling.

They were often asked which of them had devised the difficult, challenging movements we'd found so thrilling but they would not say who wrote what. This was often the topic of conversation when they were not present; wondering just how much of 'his' calling was 'her' work.

All of these things and circumstances I'd noticed in their club triggered in me a thought one night, about this caller that I barely knew, and that happened before the dream. He seemed so agreeable to his wife, so helpful and attentive to her in contrast to what seemed a certain 'un-polite', (to put it mildly) and critical behavior to the few people who remained with him year after year. A thought occurred into my mind one night as I listened to him initiate that evening's lesson. "Oh, no! Oh God NO! NOT HIM!! Oh, God not HIM!!""

The feeling of grief in my body after that thought emerged initiated a period of terrible weeping.

I cannot describe how it felt or how long it went on. The situation in my own home had changed very much when the weeping began, but the terrible weeping began when that thought came into my mind, about a man I barely knew and was not interested in except for a growing curiosity, and a need, a real need to get to know him.

Why I felt that need, which grew and grew, I could not understand. My husband and I were having problems, but they were because we'd had an uninsured fire and it generated a flow of argument. We quarreled about everything then. My husband began to repair it himself, in addition to working full time. I had begun to 'decorate' a duplex our son owned so I felt committed to finish it even though I was in such distress myself because I had begun to feel literally twisted, in my body and in my mind.

The thought: ""Oh, no! Oh God NO! NOT HIM!! Oh, God not HIM!!" opened up a flood of tears and a body that was literally twisted, the way a drenched towel is twisted to expel the water.

Tears rained out of my eyes in such quantity that I could not understand how my body could produce them at the same time I was curious about thought that scrolled relentlessly through my mind. I was drenched with them.

I was puzzled that they felt like they were being wrung out of my body; it was such painful weeping. I began to think and made reference to myself then as a 'towel person'. I remember telling my husband that I was a 'towel person'. The source of the term 'towel person' came from seeing an exhibit in which three baby monkeys were 'mothered' by objects from the moment their eyes were opened. One mother was a board, the other was a soft towel and one had a real mother. Only the baby that had a real mother had vitality and brightness. The 'towel baby' clung to the soft towel, but the other monkey baby sat listlessly near the board. Knowing that the source of the term I used came from having seen this exhibit corresponds to the way I remembered having read the words "This is no dream. This is really happening." in the book, Rosemary's Baby.

The 'knowledge' of the origin of the term formed in my mind without any volition or will of my own to name it. The body condition was wretched in contrast to the nearly 5 decades of never having that kind of misery. I'd had wounds on my body but there was no way to explain the heaviness, the terrible trembly, wavy feelings in my legs that would not let me lay still, sit still or rest. I began to do many things that I'd not done before, noticing that an 'opposite to normal for me to do' marked those changes.

When I read a phrase much later about 'archetypal weeping' and about Ramah, whose tears could not be stopped I felt the term 'archetypal weeping' might explain the body wrenching flood of tears that I wept every day for nearly 7 years. I remember the first day that I did not weep. I remember going to bed one night, thinking: "I didn't weep today." Seven years had passed away by then.

It felt like a miracle to me when I went to bed thinking: "I did not weep today." By that point in time I realized the man and his wife had been the object of my attention for a definite reason, and that their life in it's reality was one they did not know about, nor suspect themselves.

After July 31, 1984 the dream and the content of that scrolling band of 'non-stop thinking' began to find a match in the exterior world, although I was not able to notice it until about the middle of 1987. A few events happened that made it impossible NOT to notice the complete convergence of 'content' in my thought with material in books I chanced to find in a variety of places, as well as with events that happened involving at first the people in the two square-dance clubs.

Then the content of the band of thought moved quite slowly away from where it had begun, and where it has remained 'stuck' for more than five years, veering into an area I could not have suspected or expected it to move into. The content of books I had begun to read that were very unusual for me to choose began to appear in my streaming band of thought. Paul Davies book, Other Worlds was the first book about quantum physics that I read that had content in it that really startled me, the words seeming to 'jolt' me literally because they linked up with certain memories of myself from a very young age: "The importance of an observer." I had not read the words anywhere yet but they were already in my mind, they had been in my mind in a kind of conscious place after one night in 1982.

Those words had emerged faintly, so faintly it is impossible to describe how they 'wafted' into my mind one night as I looked around the room.

That was the night I had the first stage of a 'mindquake' that finished 7 years later in the fall of 1989. As I looked around the room, noticing something quite new to me, wondering to myself about what I saw, which I didn't really see at all! "This is impossible! I don't believe another person but me would understand this. How on Earth will I ever explain this? Who on Earth will ever believe me?"

Along with that thought, a string of memories emerged into my mind that I remembered afterwards. Incidents that had happened only once when I was much younger came into my mind as though the memory had been stored safely away and the location was accessed, the contents of that and other moments in my past were displayed in a flash of time. The 'replay' of one particular event happened as easily as we now retrieve and display information on a computer. A specific memory that had happened when I left grade school and entered junior high school was retrieved, complete with how I'd felt and what was said to me by a friendly new classmate. Many memories were retrieved that I didn't associate with anything at all, they just came into my mind. I don't dream, I'd never heard of 'interpreting dreams to find some meaning', so the image of our hens darting heads meant nothing to me when I glanced around the room and my gaze paused when I noticed a grey haired woman in our group, noticing a kind of bright eye that didn't seem lively really, and her darting head movements. Several years passed before I realized her movements were 'like' those of our hens, her cheerless bright eyes didn't seem lively.

At that point in time, in 1982 I was trying to type on an old manual typewriter and finding I could not type even one line without many errors. Because every error had to be 'whited out' or erased, it became agonizing to try to type. The misery I felt then, trying to type a letter to someone that I knew very well that had become impossible to talk to, cannot be described. I couldn't use an adding machine to balance our monthly accounts, it was impossible and I kept trying to do what I'd done easily in the past without telling anyone about the problem I was having.

The situation was extremely complicated then, When the dream and the effects of it had 'bothered' me from late in 1981 to the summer of 1984 I believed I'd had brain injury in an accident in 1981, but I'd been told that I had 'severe menopausal syndrome' after a complete hysterectomy was done to remove an ovary. I was not aware that a complete hysterectomy had been done until I went back to the surgeon, Stephen Heller after I didn't return to 'normal', and I felt so unlike myself, but had no wound to account for the changes. He told me then that he'd decided to spare me having cancer of the cervix, by removing all reproductive organs, and he told me a few women would have an extreme response to a complete hysterectomy.

For a few years I believed those causes explained my misery, then slowly I began to realize there was something else at work in our lives, and such experiences as I was having by then, were not caused by surgery or blows on the head. I had not way to explain them to myself, except that 'many are called and few are chosen' came into my thought, and at the moment I thought I must be going to die.

I had been affected by the grief for at least a matter of months when I had the dream.

Later I met someone else that was affected by the club in virtually the same way at about the same time. This man was passionately devoted to the ideals of the harsh, seemingly 'rude' l live caller, he wanted to be an excellent dancer at the highest level, and perfection was something he was willing to sacrifice and work for. But he left for almost a year, and nobody knew where he was. He'd never missed a dance, and it was not easy for him to do that because he didn't have a job and he lived with his mother, and he was as old as I was! He returned without explaining why he'd disappeared but he was a much changed man. When he returned he was gaunt, nearly skeletal (so was I), hollow eyed and was not the same somewhat cheerful person he had been.

He and I had talked at times in the past only briefly but he made some comments in those talks that I believe now were very important to me. His passion for square-dancing was equal to mine but we never danced as partners, even when I had no partner. I puzzled to myself about why he never had asked me to be his partner because he had no partner himself quite often.

Between 1980 and 1988 he had a variety of dance partners but until about that time he never asked me to be his partner for even one tip. Then one night he came over to me, pulled me up without asking and initiated an openness between us that had been quite distinctly absent until he 'opened up'.

I was astonished at how easy he was to talk to now, as opposed to how difficult, nearly impossible it had been prior to then to talk to him.

We sometimes went out after a dance and had snacks and drinks. I was astonished at how easy it was to talk about almost everything. At one point I asked him why he had left the club for so long. He said: "It was the grief. I could not bear the grief. It was too much to bear that much grief." He could not or would not elaborate beyond that.

I had noticed a lack of liveliness in this club which contrasted with the light hearted atmosphere in the other club. The difference didn't 'dawn' on me immediately, but it became obvious that something was 'dampening' the one club that did not operate at all in the other club. The 'ease' in one club and the 'dis-ease' in the other became evident physically and I related this to the terrible weeping, until the first 1989 mindquake showed me the apparent source of the grief was not the real source. It was 'displaced' from the square dance caller to my husband, and then to all men in the context of becoming Eve, literally, of bearing that burden physically, really.

There was a distinct literalness in the dream, a re-presentation of certain actual details in my real life was made evident by it that I had to discover. I had never had a dream in which I felt human touch, nor had I felt myself to be in two places, nor had I recognized my mind generating of it's own volition, thought that had been abstracted from books I'd read. This became quite common after the dream, but in spite of being visible to me, it's significance and meaning didn't become evident until about the middle of 1987 when I had a few clews. I will relate that later.

The live caller and the tape caller in the dream had a certain relationship to 'history' and the present time (when the dream happened) that became apparent to me only with the passage of time. I became aware that in history there have been eras; there have been periods that were experienced quite differently overall, by the human race than I'd known about. Paradigms change, and I didn't know what the word paradigm really meant, the dictionary definition was not enough to convey any understanding to me. One reads and hears the word 'change' now in 2008 very, very frequently. It was not so commonly used in the early 1980's at least not on the social level where I lived. I didn't think of myself as a proletarian in the sense that George Orwell used the term, a 'laborer', a 'common person', not too well educated and not inclined to think deeply about life, the meaning and purpose of man's existence on this planet. But now I do. I'm a 'prole'.

The book 1984 was a book of prophecy, written in 1948 and I'm not the first or only person to recognize that it described the future before it happened. The greatest paradigm change that has ever happened may very well be underway now but it's beginning must have been at least 7,000 years ago, or more.

The 'dark ages' and the 'age of enlightenment' for example had been mere words I'd read in school. I'd read Emanuel Swedenborg's Heaven and Hell by 198. By then I'd begun to attend a bi-monthly service the small group held in their home. This group did not advertise themselves nor did they promote Emanuel Swedenborg the way most churches promote their beliefs. They quietly presented sermons comparing his ideas with ideas in the Bible. They were so non- aggressive in their church that I had to ask them if they wanted other people to know about them!

One prevailing idea in his writings was that there has been a flow of periods in Time. I had not thought about such ideas myself but I was reading books that contained ideas I'd not thought about since about 1983, so this was just another somewhat new to me idea then. I had already read Tertium Organun by P D Ouspensky in which he wrote: There was the first Organun of Aristotle, then the second Organun of Newton, but this is the third Organun and the Third Organun was prior to the first. From reading that brief statement a sense had developed in my thought that the third Organun had been a goal that was established long ago, a goal that was to be achieved in stages. The 'sense' of that idea emerged slowly, after I read the words. This kind of 'information' that grew automatically after I read something had become a matter of curiosity, I had noticed it and wondered to myself about the spontaneous generation of such vaguely felt information, barely words, just somehow close to words. I had several episodes of such 'sensed information' when I read the book. It was the second book I read by Ouspensky.

A very big event was ahead of me, involving the Tertium Organun, the three churches of Adam and a foxglove seedling that I almost mowed down in 1989. The foxglove had three levels of bloom on one stalk, and the plant itself had about 27 stalks, each stalk having a topper flower on it that was different than other topper flowers on the plant! I noticed the seedling and paused briefly while I remembered the wild foxgloves we'd had in the past but which had vanished when we mowed the pasture. While I paused, a thought occurred to me: "Dig it up and plant it in your flower box." There flower box was empty, so without hesitation I turned the mower off and went to get the spade. I transplanted the foxglove remembering that I'd read in garden books that foxgloves don't like to be transplanted and that they are bi-annuals. That meant this one wouldn't bloom until next year but I did as the impulse directed me to do. Then I forgot about the foxglove until I noticed one day that it had bloomed! That was very unusual for me to do! There's quite a long story behind the first foxglove and the ones that followed it, every year, until the present time. When I looked at the three levels of bloom on the plant, having read Ouspensky's Tertium Organun and had begun to hear about Swedenborg's three 'churches', a vague sense there was a connection between the bloom, and what I was reading began to emerge, visibly in the real world object, the foxglove. The sense that the foxglove is a life saving medication and a death dealing poison emerged rather slowly. It's doubleness and the doubleness of other experiences did not emerge suddenly in understanding, many events had to happen that involved 'doubleness'.

When I read Swedenborg he described points of change which were named in his writings as 'churches' on Earth. From the Most Ancient Church to the Ancient Church, and then the Church of Adam. The idea that all churches were the Church of Adam because they were basically formed from the male mind began to emerge in my thought, after I read William Blake and the Tree of Life by Laura De Witt James. when I read about heavenly Jerusalem and earthly Vala, the False Tongue of Beulah, Los and Albion, I recognized many, many unusual references to the real life situations in my life. In some instances I had really heard Los speak to me, the words of Los who never ceased working to restore fallen Albion to his former heavenly state. The difference between consciousness and unconsciousness, between a man who could actually relate to all of his own words and activities, became very evident in real life situations, especially in my marital relationship and in people we knew at that point in time.

Swedenborg wrote that there had been direct communication between man and heaven in the Most Ancient Church, it came less directly in The Ancient Church but in the Church of Adam there was no direct communication between man and heaven. There was a 'literal sense' in the stories in the bible, and a level of interpretation he named several different names, on of which was 'symbolic correspondence',

The 'literal sense' had emerged in Time, at a certain period in Western 'thought', beginning with Newton's book on mechanics, gradually replacing a kind of 'symbolic' sense that everyone had known about and understood easily. But that sense dimmed with the passage of time and distance from it's origin. Man had gradually become unable to grasp or 'remember'. William Butler Yeats wrote a poem, the Second Coming, and the first lines compress Swedenborg ideas neatly.

William Butler Yeats

The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

. This is a complicated complex idea, that some people experience everything in a way that can be thought of as literalness, without any understanding of symbolism in the poetic sense. Such that the stories in the bible are real to them and have to be taken exactly as they are written. The creation in 7 days is a literal fact. At one point my own son was active in a church that insisted the Earth was only 6,000 years old.

The 'literal sense itself' in the dream was that there were two 'veins' of experience, one related to 'taped material of other well known authors' (philosophers, people like Einstein, etc) and the other was literally a 'live caller' who was activating even the 'taped material' , which was abstracted out from highly regarded author of religious based ideas (William Blake; R. Maurice Bucke; Boehme, and of course Swedenborg, Ouspensky, Theodore Reik, ) such as have written about some attribute of their encounter with 'irrational' itself.

The manner in which the dream literally represented what was happening in my actual life did not emerge suddenly.

One day while I read something in Swedenborg's writings I remember a thought that occurred into my mind, that all of the 'churches/eras/systems of things' were 'history/his story' literally, since nothing has been written by the actual real world female on that scale of authorship. I had by then read quite a lot and had learned about many ideas, particularly related to psychiatry, it's origin as well as a kind of book I'd often seen advertised in full page ads when I was young but never read: "Science of the Mind" by Holmes is an example. Think and Grow Rich is another example. They promoted a kind of 'positive thinking'/

History and it's authorship by a purely masculine mind had a beginning point that I had not suspected even in 1984 when I was thrust into the 'world of man'. It was a purely mental world, which I believe now, man relates to and thinks from, speaks about, but without knowing it's there! Emanuel Swedenborg wrote that man possesses two memories, but does not know it. I believe the 'collective unconscious' contains the ideas conceived by man, conceived by males without female content.

My 'stream of thought' about the dream began to merge quietly with other ideas not connected to the two 'callers' after about 1987.

Many experiences that seemed impossibly precisely timed, just so perfectly timed that it was impossible to recognize the timing, began to merge with the 'thought' on that non-stop stream of thought created a kind of 'new event', which I did not name as coincidences, I still don't think of them that way.

By the time the movie Sleepless In Seattle came out, I was still watching the stream of thought, without noticing that quite subtly and slowly the content had veered away from where it began. That a single stream of thought was moving along through my mind, like a 'tape' playing continually would not have occurred to me. Later it began to become apparent that a kind of 'coincidence' was happening, that whatever content was on the tape was meeting it's exact match in some place in the exterior world. Books that I was reading seemed 'familiar' to me, but at times a particular incident of perfect timing made it obvious that the 'tape material' was there already, it was in my thought before meeting it's match. I will have to write about some of those incidents.

This made it easy to recognize the 'coincidence' which was in other cases only experienced as a sense of familiarity. In 2003, it is often described as 'resonance', but that word means: re-sounding.

By 1987 the content was no longer about the man or the dream, it was beginning quite gradually to contain material that I could see was being generated from books I'd read. This gradual 'veering away' from where it had begun was one of the most critical details about the dream. It established a long point of reference by being only about the one man whose unusual way of relating to people in his club had put him at the center of a local controversy about the newly emerging All Position Dancing requirement.

The circumstances between the two clubs and between my husband and I in our personal relationship began to fit within a single line of experience, but it was a new experience, a completely new line of thought having been established by this ongoing thought content about the dream.

I need to write something positive about the man whose arm felt real, warm and alive at this point to set a context for his 'meaning' in this dream: His reputation for being 'difficult' had kept us away from his club until we'd moved near to where he called. His reputation was based on (as I had to find out) his uncompromising viewpoint about his club and how to learn challenge level instruction. He insisted everyone begin again with him, because he taught the lessons on a very rigorous way, based strictly on the rules of All Position Dancing. He seemed not to have heard about the main rule that would insure a callers popularity: Let the dancers win, don't call a higher level than the floor can handle comfortable.

He pushed his dancers to meet his standards, and as a result his own dancers could not easily dance with him. Yet a few dancers, we were among them adored him and remained steadfast when each years class drifted away.

When I had this dream I didn't know that dreams have meaning or that the beginning of psychiatry in Freud's time was when he wrote a book about dreams. This is important to keep in mind, that I knew nothing about psychiatric ideas when I had the dream. The dream happened one night in the fall of 1981 and afterwards I was plagued by a stream of thought about it, that I could not understand nor could I prevent it from moving relentlessly through my mind.

Not a word was spoken in the dream and although I was the observer I didn't see myself, it was a scene I looked at and only two men were in it. They were both local challenge level square-dance callers, but they were exactly opposite at that time, to each other in many ways. The names of their clubs were the Tapeworms because that caller used taped recordings to teach his classes and the Hard'n Easy club had an actual live caller. These names had a particular significance when I understood the dream nearly 15 years later. There was a literalness of detail in the fact that a 'tape caller' and a 'live caller' were in the dream and I had to discover this factual level, which was not symbolic at all was active in my real life, in the inner world's drama as it evolved.

Dreams are usually not interpreted 'literally'. This dream had a literalness that was a fact about what was going to happen and what was actually well under way then in many lives.

I went to a seminar about 12 years ago by Steven Rosen who said that every detail in a dream is always about the dreamer. Nothing is about anyone except the dreamer, so keep that in mind. I am using the names of people but now I realize their characteristics and even some circumstances in their lives at this point in Time, really were significant to what was already a detail about my own life. Names mean 'attributes' and 'circumstances' that I was not aware of when I had the dream. It was 17 years after the dream that I really understood the literal sense and the literal meaning of this dream.

Every year the club had a nice class to begin with but except for a few 'diehards' they got angry and discouraged because he seemed to knowingly embarrass them, denigrate and disparage them. This did not seem to be a fact to me, for some reason that I had not begun to think about yet. I felt embarrassed myself quite often because of how he conducted his classes, I really felt that I was always the person that had caused the set to collapse because I couldn't do a movement he called. It was painful to belong to his club because other clubs laughed at us for not being 'competent dancers' to our own caller. There were times when most of the sets on the floor at one of his dances was standing around, not dancing. If one set could keep going, he called until that set could no longer keep going

However for some reason his fascinating rhythms kept us coming, because when we could do them, the flow was wondrously enchanting. Somehow the 8 people were bonded into a unit and it felt exquisite to be able to experience this 'bond'. The reason we were captivated may have its origin in a change that has become global now in 2007.

.He was not known for being friendly, welcoming or even 'agreeable' in any way and that's an attribute of 'God'. The other man seemed always friendly, non-judgmental as far as letting anyone that wanted to 'join the club' take square dance lessons. This also is in my opinion an attribute of 'God'. There were people who simply could not learn but the 'tape caller' never made them feel unwelcome. The two clubs were complete opposites just as these two men were opposites in every way except that at they were united in their deep passion for challenge level square-dancing.

I knew nothing about the 'interaction of opposites' in 1981 also. By watching these two clubs and in being part of them, actually moving and doing what they 'were' I began to experience a terrible 'twisted' feeling, which could not be explained until I read about the 'double bind'.

One of these callers wanted to achieve a definite goal which is also an attribute of 'God'.

I began to feel in my body the strange situation that arose when it began to become apparent to me that he and his wife were was actually 'short sheeting' their own stated objectives. The 'model' of conscious wishes opposed by 'unconscious self sabotage' was played out in a real world situation. It was a setting loaded with potentials that I could not have imagined then, because I knew so little about history, all of it, and that includes....every thing that has been written down, in all times. There are distinct concepts that link ideas of quantum physics, the I Ching, the chess game and certain ideas about projection in psychiatry that I knew nothing about until I began to experience all the information in my body . There's an idea in psychiatry that I knew nothing about, and this one idea began to emerge through the 'drama' that was entering into my actual life at that point in time, late in 1981.

The dream made no sense to me for more than a decade and even then I couldn't relate to the actual literal sense of it: There were two callers in it:

One was a caller that used other people's lessons to teach his class., the Tapeworms, a revolting name that made us somewhat of a joke to other clubs. He could not call himself and there were no advanced and challenge level clubs in the area. In order to have a place to dance he had to teach enough people and keep them interested, so he chose to use recordings of nationally well known square-dance callers.

One of the callers used only his own methods, giving no quarter to how people felt about him or his methods to teach his students. He gave no evidence that he needed the admiration or respect of anyone else, when it required of him that he adapt to their standards. His apparent disregard for the main idea that would make a caller popular made him acquire a formidable reputation, which kept us away until we moved into his area. Later I began to notice that his reputation for being 'mean', and 'thoughtless' did not seem to apply to him.

This is where the confusion began to emerge: when I noticed how kind he was to his wife, how often he gave every evidence of being very kind to her, then kind beyond anything normal to his wife. I remember thinking one day: "How could a kind and gentle man like him, beat a dog?"

The 'mixed signals' that I was looking at in this setting began to emerge in my body.

If there are mixed signals, there are signals. The signal may be invisible until it gets visibility in some way, but this is how it began, with a simple dream.