I rarely dream. I have never had a dream like this one before or afterwards. After the dream, thought about it began to occur in my mind and didn't stop so that I could sleep normally at night. I was aware of everything going on around me 24/7 and this went on for years. When the movie Sleepless in Seattle came out several years later, I was not joking when it seemed the words in the title referred to me and described a detail about my life to me. That was true.
THE DREAM It happened in 1981 in the fall when I was trying to take a tax course and noticed I could not read and remember what I read. That was a big change. I stayed up one night determined to get caught up and the dream happened at that point. I had noticed several changes in my body and mind by then which I believed had been caused by an accident in which I'd had terrible blow on my head. I had also been told I had 'severe menopausal syndrome' after a complete hysterectomy. Those causes seemed to me to have created the changes in my mind and the effects seemed to me to be evidence of brain damage.
I'd been asleep for a while when quite suddenly I seemed to wake up, laying to the left of my sleeping husband. A door on the other side of him was open enough to let a slender line of light into the room. (In reality the door is at the end of our bed.) I felt myself get up and walk around the bed, towards the door then open it, somehow fully aware that I was asleep in my bed! The door opened onto a dark hallway but just across from where I was standing was another door, only slightly open. A brighter light was coming from the opening. I walked towards it and opened the door to a brightly lit room that I recognized immediately as the basement of one of our favorite local square dance callers. It was his classroom but he had dances there at times. Two men were in the room, one facing me, the other man had his back to me. Each man operated a small advanced and challenge level square dance club and we belonged to both clubs.
Nothing was said in the dream.
The man facing me showed that he recognized me silently, his face lit up as he lifted his head in a particular welcoming way he has. I felt that he seemed very glad to see me although this man was gracious always, and made everyone welcome to his club.
I remember thinking in my dream as I lay in my bed: "Rxxxxxx is so nice. He is so nice." My husband and I had been trying to learn advanced and challenge level square dancing with him for a few years before going to the other man's club because we'd moved to Renton which was where he called.
The other man whose back was towards me saw the reaction and he turned towards me. As soon as he saw me he extended his arm towards me. I walked towards him without hesitation, standing next to him so that his arm fell lightly, naturally across my shoulders! Laying in my bed, knowing I was asleep, I stood beside a man and felt a real warm human arm around my shoulders and felt a real warm hand rest lightly on my shoulder!
There was no sexuality in how I felt about the man at that moment or the natural way I had responded to his outstretched arm. I had a strong feeling however: I felt like I was at home; I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. A thought came into my mind: "This is no dream. This is really happening."
As this thought emerged, I, laying in my bed asleep, remembered that I'd read those exact words in a book: Rosemary's Baby by Ira Levin. The actual memory of the scene was brought into my mind, where Rosemary is partially asleep, just awake enough to think: "This is no dream! This is really happening!"
The man who had his arm across my shoulders and I turned as a unit to walk out of the room. As we left, he extended his left hand out with his fingers splayed apart in a way he had, in a gesture of farewell to the other man. That was the dream.
((This is important, don't slip over this detail: Knowing I was in my bed asleep, I recognized that a thought had occurred into my mind that I remembered having read in a book, then heard again when I saw the movie. I was aware on three levels, of being asleep, I recognized a memory had been retrieved that had the exact words I'd just thought, and I saw my mind at work. "This is no dream. This is really happening". was Rosemary's thought while she was in a drugged state, being impregnated supposedly by her husband but really the Devil had been summoned. The book had fascinated me so much that I read it in one afternoon. That was not unusual but I'd had other unusual experiences with Ira Levin's books. I had been unusually affected by This Perfect Day and I'd had an experience when I read The Stepford Wives that would be embarrassing to describe. (When I read one specific incident in This Perfect day, the first words I read when I turned a certain page caused me to feel a sudden shock literally because in a flash what I read reversed every thing I'd understood in the story. Chip has arrived at this door after a long and arduous endeavor. He had opened a door and what he saw reversed his understanding of everything he'd thought and done. And this also happened in a flash of time. The significance of this event was ahead of me in time. One day in 1984 I had an experience that reversed what I understood about everything in my life and the memory of what I'd read in This Perfect Day was retrieved in my mind. I really felt shock when a new belief, a new world view that included recorded history itself was suddenly there in my mind. That event, the way I'd felt when I read what Chip saw when the door was opened was retrieved exactly as I'd felt when I had read the book. This re-play of a moment from my past happened in 1984 in very different circumstances.)
The dream did not arouse any curiosity at the time. I was curious about a new
kind of thought that was occurring, but it had no connection in my thought about
the dream until much later. It was years later
that I began to understand what the dream was saying and showing me. I was
in a situation
'like' Rosemary then. It was 5 event filled years later that I knew this was a kind
of conversation being built up and a description of what I was actually
doing at the moment. The words had been retrieved but they were not 'thought' by
me, they were said TO me as an event, describing the entire event, complete with words! What was happening to her was in a different
form, happening to me. What was happening was 'said' to me in this form of retrieving a
memory that re-presented almost literally my situation, they told me what was happening to me.
This kind of language was not easy to become aware of, several events had to
happen later in my real life before I realized what I have just written.
In the dream I was standing in a room with two men, one of whom was sociable and easy going, but very realistic and successful in operating his club. The other man was basically the opposite kind of person. He had made me feel very strange in real life, because he seemed unapproachable for some reason. I couldn't talk to him but I had felt a need to get to know him because I felt strange when I tried to talk to him. He had nothing of the easy friendliness of the other man, he had a reputation for being tactless and was extraordinarily demanding of his dancers. At times he embarrassed us in public, calling harder than we could succeed in dancing fluently when we were in public. Our mainstream club friends and callers laughed at us and I felt very embarrassed when that happened. We wanted him to develop a large club and become nationally well known, which his wife had told me several times was also their goal. To accomplish their goal they had to keep the new students that began each years' lessons. That didn't happen. The lessons were difficult and only the few of we diehards remained year after year.
She came to my house once a week for a sewing lesson and as we sewed she had said some things about her husband that apparently caused me to try to see in him the man she described. I couldn't see him. I saw a very different man and somehow a fascination developed so when the dream happened, I felt a strange attraction to him. I felt it was important to get to know him and be able to talk to him.
I am not very sociable and I've had few friends in my life. I don't feel comfortable or talk easily in social situations.
Before we began lessons with his club I'd heard other people we knew who danced with his mainstream plus level club describe him as being 'mean' to his dancers so we didn't attend his dances until we moved to the town where he and his wife lived. The two men were the 'same' in that both were teachers of advanced and challenge levels of square dancing. Yet the man who had made me welcome in the dream was the caller who made it difficult to belong to his club! Mainstream dancers were not friendly to those of us who belonged to these two groups. The reason was that at the higher level gender roles and positions were removed. Every dancer had to learn all position dancing. And 'concepts' were introduced that altered simple movements, one of which added phantom people to the set. They had to be danced with as though they were really in the set. This required using my mind in a way I had never thought about or done, visualizing my body moving through formations and interacting with imagined dancers. I entered a new world and did not pay attention to a reference in a footnote in a book I chanced to read at about that time: A New Era Of Thought by Charles Hinton which Peter Ouspensky mentioned in his A New Model of the Universe. Hinton described a method of 'subtracting the self' from what was outside his body and I noticed eventually that a dancer in a challenge level square dance is moving through a model of such a system, more real and mathematical overall. .
APD required removing all gender roles and positions. That made square dancing much more difficult and mainstream dancers thought it didn't look like we were having fun. When we could do what this man called, we were enthralled and were somehow united into a whole, 8 people united into a set. The two subsets interacted as opposites but they were a unit: 4 + 4 = 1. APD was the 'f' word then.
It's an important detail that the friendly man had first introduced advanced and challenge levels of square dancing to our area. He was not a caller himself at that time but he was an accomplished dancer. He was trying to develop a club so he and his wife would be able to dance at the level they loved. He used taped recordings of nationally well known callers to teach his classes and he had no restriction. Anyone that wanted to dance with his club was made welcome. The 'live' caller and his wife were difficult to say the least because they required new members to re- take mainstream plus lessons with him to join their club. They told us that was necessary because this club used All Position Dancing, more strictly. They seemed to work together in designing the calls and configurations he used, and that was not typical then. They were a closely united pair, that seemed to emerge in my mind as somewhat unhealthy as we talked while I sewed and she watched. She didn't initiate anything but that's where I began to feel 'strangeness'....
After the dream, thought about the dream began and it has really never ceased streaming through my mind. The stream of thought that began after the dream was always about the man who had put his arm around my shoulder, the live caller, until about 1986. That's when the content of the dream began to contain other very different content.
But I didn't notice that gradual change of content myself.
I was made aware of it in the first of two enormous batches of information I had in 1989.
That's when I realized I'd had an enormous installing of information into my mind in 1984 and since 1984 my mind had become active in a way that was making me feel real 'overwhelm' almost constantly. I didn't use the word 'download' to describe the 'suddenly there' batched information because the word didn't exist in my mind until about 10 years in the future. The first batch had happened in 1984 but had been somewhat understood three years after 1984!I had named the 1984 event as a 'mindquake' sometime in 1987-88. Events in my life at work and at home blended together and I was confused as I tried to do my job at Boeing and manage my life. I was shopping in our local mall one day in 1985 when I noticed a rack of books outside a bookstore. The rack was full of copies of one book: Contact by Carl Sagan. I saw my hand reach for one copy, open the jacket and read the blurb then I saw my hands write a check for $16.95 for the book, the first fiction book that I remember every buying for full price. I read the book then a few weeks later a thought occurred into my mind as I walked to my car after work. "It was a message. I got a message." I heard myself say words that came out of my mouth spontaneously, as though another person said them to me.
Its 2016 today, the 6th of July. Since July 31, 1984 I've observed my body and I've seen my body say things that made no sense for years. I saw my body do things that I didn't intend, or understand or will myself. I've written to several authors whose books had some content that I wanted to understand. The letter I received from Wilson van Dusen was the most comforting. I wrote 21 pages to him before I met him when he spoke to the local Swedenborg group.
The two events that happened in 1989 obviously had been built from the first one in 1984 because by then I'd learned something that made sense to me from events that had actually and really happened in the 5 years between 1984 and 1989. BUT this was the surprise: the mindquakes all linked back in time to an event my husband had mentioned had happened to him when he was in his late teens. Which he'd named as 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker'. Much has to be written about this event, which let me repeat happened when he lived in Holland, the opposite hemisphere. And it happened when he was in his late teens.
He had told me very little about that event except that he said he had been told everything he would ever need to know. When I asked for details when I realized I'd had experiences in our marriage that were preparation for my future event, he would not talk about it, his 'under the apple tree event' was of no significance, not worth thinking about. Emanuel Swedenborg's writings are very difficult to understand but he described literally that the kind of event we've shared, and lived into reality is a life process, a preparation for life after death of the body. This event didn't happen to just me, it was a drama created at first by the people we met when we entered advanced and challenge level lessons, they knew the script before I did and they told me at times what I needed to know! I include the two men who were in my dream, as well as the individuals and couples we struggled with to establish advanced and challenge levels of square dancing to the scorn and derisions of mainstream level dancers.
The dream isolated several details about the mind and thought and levels in my mind as the years passed. Many events happened in our real life that I had to notice were different, having some other source and meaning than my normal understanding produced, but that was not easy to notice. As these specific events happened and accumulated in my mind the thoughts on that stream that began after the dream were making the depths level very distinct. I found that out because I could not speak that content. But I didn't know that I couldn't speak it until a strange urge prompted me to try to capture one word of that endless stream of thought, hold it in mind long enough to write it down. That was easier to do than being able to speak it aloud when it emerged in my mind. Between 1984 and 1989 I had learned that great distances and spaces exist in my mind, and had experienced being shown how to understand the hidden content of the first mindquake through the precisely timed incidents that made me feel 'disoriented' and simply dizzy. They were describing to me what I was doing and also giving me information that was necessary to understand this 'conversation'. One book, Contact by Carl Sagan was a 'bit of information' to me. That book is about the first contact with extra terrestrials; it had a message that was a palimpsest, it taught a new language that led to building a machine... Read the book, it is an outline of what actually happened in the lives of people I knew, who probably don't suspect they lived a drama that began in my mind, and a book authored by the skeptic Carl Sagan!
I 'saw/heard' some of that content in 1984 but actually could not write it down when the unusual urge to capture one word of the thought scrolling through my mind, initiated me to try to do that, remember one word long enough to write it down gripped me. It was really a kind of inner prompting that I felt almost as an inner guide or counselor later. It was distinct at times as a prompter within. I managed to do that but only with a prolonged effort. One day I wrote a poem down just when it was produced in my mind, when it was produced! There's a symptom known as 'racing thought', which I believe is the kind of thought that emerged from the deepest depth in my mind. I felt it as being unspeakable for two reasons, it was literally unspeakable but I felt misunderstood and could not find a way to clarify what made me so interested in this couple and their relationship to each other and their club. I felt an agonizing pity and sense of grief for years that later transferred from them to a more personal situation. Transference is a psychological process.
I became aware that the two men represented two aspects of mind but on different levels had other meanings. The other man, the 'tape caller' was never involved in the stream of thought that began after the dream, that detail is important to keep in mind. His use of famous callers was what was important, he re-presented well known authors of 'wisdom' in the dream. The symbolism took a long time to become aware of because I knew nothing about symbolism. But it was the literalness of 'describing to me what was happening and was going to happen' that was not easy to be certain about. Mostly because I knew nothing about history, philosophy, psychiatry and I had to learn so much later after the dream. I read a lot, even now I wonder how I managed to read so much because it was painful, very uncomfortable to read for a few years! I felt my head would burst at times.
The 'tape caller' 'represented' past authors, whose 'written records' were available and their ideas 'all new to me, were used', (Ouspensky, William Blake, Swedenborg, etc) were ,men whose ideas I had never met or thought about. I thought of the 'tape caller' as man, as 'history, as all of history that has been written'.
The important details were: A live caller and one that used 'recordings' of other callers to teach . But they were both silent in the dream, there were no words other than my own thought which at the time I felt I lived myself, but later had to recognize I had witnessed, and listened to rather than initiated myself. A thought occurred to me in the dream that I knew I'd read in a book, while I was in bed and felt as though I were standing in a room. After that dream the band of 'non-stop thinking' began to move through my mind, ALWAYS about the dream and this one man 24 hours a day, 7 days a week so I could not sleep normally.
The dream created so much thought content that I was astonished that a short dream, even as vivid as it had been, could generate so much thought. I was curious about that, mildly curious.
Obviously the stream of thought had primary attention but I did not know there IS primary and secondary attention in 1981.This was a new kind of event to me.
Other details are necessary: I had also noticed an almost unbearable noise in my head that did not seem to come from my ears. When I noticed it the first time I wept and sobbed: "Oh, no! No one could ever get used to that!" The noise was a combination of sounds. I have never been able to describe it: tuning fork vibrations, whistle, steam emissions. I had no silence in my 'head' afterwards. The dream and the noise occurred at somewhat the same time as best I remember now. I remember finding out I'd lost certain skills because I couldn't remember what I read when I took an H. R. Block class in the fall just before the dream. I got so far behind and I stayed up all night thinking I could get caught up. That's when I noticed the noise.
For at least 4 years after 1982 the stream of 'non-stop thinking' moved relentlessly through my mind and the content was always about the man in the dream and there wasn't anything sexual or romantic in the thought. What I felt was a strong attraction to him but it was a need to get to know him at first. I had become interested in his relationship to his wife, and the club he was establishing. What they were doing wasn't working out and it seemed they were sabotaging themselves. I didn't know that consciously but I'd begun to experience in my body real 'mixed signals'. Then I realized my interest in them and their club was being misunderstood. That caused me to feel embarrassed, very much misunderstood and that what I needed to say was unspeakable, literally. I couldn't say I felt a strange, unexplainable and very painful sense of grief about them. That feeling was more painful than words can convey, I felt it for a very long span of years, then that painful grief and deep pity was tranfered elsewhere, to another person I lived with; then to the race of humans. But many years and many events had to happen. Emanuel Swedenborg wrote that Jesus' life was a mercy to man, from God who had felt deep pity for man. It's somewhat less now, but being prevented from speaking the unspeakable truth has never left me. Its a real barrier even now, 30+ years later. We live in a different world now.
I could not have grasped that a shift, a drastic shift of attention had taken place: this content was what I was looking at primarily but what was going on in the exterior world where my 'normal activities had always had my attention had receded into 'secondary perception'. Deeply buried behind this stream of thought, was a separate "I" an observer, an audience to my own body, a new mindset that was somehow detached but only mentally could "I" 'see' and be curious about the change in my mind and my usual habits. That new "I/eye" was extremely curious and attentive to changes from 'normal for me', about how my body felt, and the endless thought about the dream.
The content of this stream of thought remained on this one man but it was concerned with certain real world circumstances in his life that I had begun to notice. There was no change in the content of that stream of thought until after 1986 or thereabouts. Then new content drifted into that 'band of thought'. At that point I could see some aspect of my own mind was 'using' information I read in books that I'd begun to read, feeling compelled to read them. They were non-fictional books, which was a complete change for me but also uncomfortable because it hurt my head to read at that point. So I was puzzled by feeling compelled to read them, urged to read them whether I understood them or not. Perhaps the 'force of habit' is real. I remember how my 'head' felt, extremely uncomfortable.
His relationship to his wife had become somewhat puzzling to me. I had noticed there was often 'gossip' about them so others also noticed something unusual in their relationship. That relationship was the original source of my increasing attention towards him after we moved to the same city they lived in and began lessons with his club. His wife had been coming to my house every week for a year to try to learn to sew by the time I had the dream. She'd mentioned one day that their dream was of his becoming a nationally well known caller but that was not likely to happen because he would have to travel and he couldn't do that. She told me he loved her so much he could not bear to be away from her for even one night.
After a time what she'd said seemed to be true, but strangely true. She had also told me she wanted to have the kind of marriage her parents had, that they had lived as one person. Later when I met her parents and remembered some things she'd told me, this began to seem true of her marriage also, but strangely it was tragically true. In this situation, something about her idea which she'd told me was her hearts desire, of two people living as one person seemed oddly literal. The feeling that in a literal sense this 'wish' was being achieved begun to haunt me strangely, vaguely without words.
I wondered vaguely why she would want to have the same kind of marriage her parents had because something she'd told me as we sat sewing one morning, lurked around my mind: I'd asked her about her thick glasses, if she'd always had such thick glasses. She told me that when she was in the second grade her teacher had told her parents she seemed to need glasses, so she'd been given glasses. But the first pair made her very angry because they didn't change anything. Then her parents found out they were only like thick window glass so the second pair had made it possible for her to see much better.
I wondered to myself why her own parents would not realize she could not see very well, but I said nothing to her about this.
I saw her husband was very attentive and helpful quite often; then I heard her remark one day to me, that she couldn't think of one good thing about 'that man'! I had a hunch he did many things males do not usually do because she had told me she disliked cooking, shopping, etc. (I think that changed later, I'm not denigrating either one, this is what I thought and associations formed automatically.) I knew he worked full time, and had lessons or a dance almost every night at that point. I knew he was often up very late at night and worked an early shift at Boeing. The conflicts between the mainstream dancers we knew and these two clubs was affecting some of us who were loyal but that's a lot to digress about. There was a lot of controversy and many problems because we had no place for dances then. AIDS became an issue also. I could not see how he kept going , working full time and being a caller at the center of so much controversy in our small domain.
It was then that certain remarks he made, offhand remarks aimed at the class began to seem to answer questions I had in my thought, but had not mentioned to anyone!
The first time it happened I thought I would faint: He said: "You've got to get this right the first time." then after a pause he said, looking directly at me: "What you get used to gets to be normal." He was introducing a difficult new movement and he told us that if a person learns something wrong, they continue to do it wrong so that's why he said: "You've got to get this right the first time."
But somehow a different meaning arose in my mind: "What you get used to gets to be normal." seemed to relate to what I had become focused on but had not said aloud to anyone. Those words 'shocked me', literally when I heard them the first time.
Later, almost two years later as best I can date it, those words were retrieved and repeated in very different circumstances in the preface to my first mindquake, in 1984. Those words were retrieved and re-used later when I was very anguished and filled with a powerful urge to make a full circle skirt from a remnant that was not enough fabric and make it perfect. "You've got to get this right the first time." , was said to me for the second time. when the memory of the first incident was retrieved.
The second time I heard the words was in 1984 while I began to make a full circle skirt, using a pattern I'd owned for several years but had not opened. I had just bought a warm brown colored plaid remnant of fabric that I'd noticed as I walked through a fabric store on my way to my car. I'd stopped to look at it and as I fingered it the image of the pattern came to mind then I had the impulse, actually it was more than an urge, to use that remnant to make that skirt. I had not noticed the plaid was a one way mirror image plaid which required matching colors until I laid the pattern pieces and noticed that detail. Also when I opened the pattern I realized the pattern was not a simple pattern, it had a peculiar design that I saw would be difficult to make from a large one way plaid material.
But the urge to use just that fabric and that pattern gripped me with a force that would not allow using a simpler pattern.
I was also reading a book in that period. it was a small book "Mr. God, This Is Anna" written by Fynn, who knew the real child Anna in the late 1920's in London. She'd run away from her parents. The book is about a child that insisted she was a viewing point for Mr. God, he was 'in her middle'. The idea of being a 'viewing point for Mr. God' myself did not occur to me at that point, it was several years later that the idea seemed real to me. I'd read a lot and experienced so much by then that it was not an absurd idea. to believe I was actually a 'viewing point for Mr. God'.
In the year 2000 I went back to Indiana for the 50th anniversary of the class of 1950 and I went back to the hill where I'd had an experience when I was 13 years old, that I forgot about after it happened. That experience proved to me that I have been a viewing point, a recorder of events and that I had been taught a complete idea that I'd not known about, from the events that had actually happened in my life.
What was going on in my mind in 1981 had begun with the seemingly simple situation of trying to learn to do advanced and challenge level square dancing, then finding, actually experiencing over a span of about 9 years after 1984 that as a couple my husband and I had walked into a situation built up on a certain kind of mirror image, I'd named it myself as 'the moebius twist' mirror image and I believed I'd discovered it myself, which is actually true. No person taught me about the moebius band and its hidden forms. What is the moebius mirroring? The relationship of the top half of a face card to the bottom half is this 'twisted mirror image'. Its also the relationship of the two subsets in a square dance set to each other at any point, its the arrangement of chess and checker boards, and many ideas of quantum physics and the very much misunderstood psychiatric idea of 'projection'. But I had to experience many strange events, and saw that information accrue slowly between 1984 and 1996, bits at a time when unusual impulses gripped me to do things that to an observer probably seemed silly. Now I do feel that silliness and absurdity but they were necessary to do, and see my self do, to be able to recognize the impulses were not my own. Like trying to create a face card where the top and bottom mirrored in the normal way. Its impossible to do at Kinko's and I tried to do that was just before transparencies could be made at Kinko's copy shop!
This form, created a real situation that was a different more valid experience of 'the interaction of opposites'. Its much more than just a war between 'good or evil', it was a mechanism of mind that functioned as a 'me' or 'not me' decision maker, that either rejected or accepted as self knowledge, in real world events. Such a rejection is easy to detect in science where the demand for repeatability is the foundation of truth. That kind of truth is impossible in an individual's life events. I was believing then, that I'd discovered the 'moebius twist concept' and named it myself without knowing anything about opposites or 'concepts'! Learning about concepts had begun when I struggled to learn concept calls in challenge levels of square dancing. One concept call had stunned me, it required learning to dance with phantoms and interact with them as though they were real. Instead of 8 dancers the phantom concept extended the number of dancers in the set.
One night I remember a thought occurred to me: "Subtract your self from what you see." It was a new idea, so new to me but I had to learn to track myself in a set, which I'd never done. I began to try to learn how to subtract my self from what I saw, but at the time I was seeing so differently than normal for me, hearing so differently than normal for me,but no person other than my self could see that radical change. I didn't know anything then about psychiatry or its history.
Especially those ideas that C. G. Jung had named 'meaningful coincidences' and the 'shadow', which is a concept I didn't know about until I'd experienced it in a very different context than he defined the idea. If I'd known about Jung or his ideas, I would not be writing this today. My understanding of The Shadow began and ended with a comic book, a radio show. There is a square dance movement named 'cast a shadow' and at some point when this live caller chanted that name, the words 'cast a shadow' began to repeat into my thought, quietly, no emotion, just the quiet words softly murmured: "cast a shadow'.
It never happened when another caller chanted those words, it was only when this one man chanted: 'cast a shadow' that a quiet voice of thought repeated the words in my mind.
I'm sure I didn't notice the repetition the first time, it must have occurred many times before I became curious. Then and only then did the word 'shadow' retrieve the memory from my past of the words I'd read in a comic book then heard in a creepy voice that introduced the radio show: "Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of man? The Shadow knows. The Shadow has the power to blind men's minds so they do not see him." Jung's definition of the shadow has never made sense to me after I read about it, except on a very complicated level of consciousness.
The two men in the dream were the same in one idea: they were passionate about square dancing but about how to teach it, they differed. The 'tape' caller was accommodating and basically welcomed everyone that wanted to belong to the club but the other man had imposed strict standards on joining their club. It was the first and only club I've known in which the husband and wife worked together the way this couple did, to write the figures he called. They were often asked which of them had devised the difficult, challenging movements we'd found so thrilling when we could do them, and which some of the men puzzled about when we couldn't. But they would not say who wrote what. This was often the topic of conversation, wondering just how much of 'his' calling was 'her' work. It was a real joy when we could succeed in dancing long enough to feel the 8 individuals in the set had formed a unit, everyone doing their part perfectly. The two subsets had to become one unit, the 8 individuals had to become 1 unit, also. That didn't happen often.
All of these things and circumstances I'd noticed in their club triggered in me a thought one night, about this caller who was so helpful and attentive to her in contrast to what seemed a certain ruthlessly blunt attitude to the few people who remained with him year after year. One night a thought occurred into my mind as I listened to him initiate that evening's lesson. I believe this happened after the dream but I'm not certain.
"Oh, no! Oh God NO! NOT HIM!! Oh, God not HIM!!"" . The thought: ""Oh, no! Oh God NO! NOT HIM!! Oh, God not HIM!!" opened up a flood of tears in my body that was feeling literally twisted, the way a drenched towel is twisted to expel the water. The feeling of grief in my body after that thought emerged initiated a 7 years long period of terrible, painful weeping. I cannot describe how it felt or how long it went on. It went on during my every day life, at a point where my family life was almost agonizingly difficult, and my mind was so different by then, from my 'normal', a difference that I could 'see' and be curious about.
I remember the day that I didn't weep once, after years of feeling terrible grief alternating with outrage because I felt it should be easy to do what I was most focused on, talk to someone I knew that was obviously misinterpreting me. On two levels, one situation was at home, but the other did not seem to be the same to me then because it was in the square-dance situation we were in at that point. I felt misinterpreted there also.
A peculiar double-ness slipped in without my noticing and naming it myself until later, by 1988 I'd begun to use my term, 'second underlying/lying contexts' that arose in my mind. I had noticed a new mechanism in my mind at work, it had become distinct by then, as I went about my job at Boeing. It 'bundled' events, into a single unit, no space between the words into a single kind of 'echo' of content, but a new context was generated automatically from my personal memories and my particular way of understanding and interpretations.
The situation in my own home had changed very much when the weeping began. We'd had an uninsured fire and it generated a flow of argument because this building was at that point suitable to tear down and build something nicer, but we couldn't agree to hire an architect and get a mortgage. We always paid cash so we were cash poor always but we had a few low class real estate properties that we'd remodeled and rented out. The result of the quarrels were that with the few thousand dollars we had then, my husband began to repair it himself, in addition to working full time. I had begun to decorate a duplex our son owned so I felt committed to finish it even though I was in so much distress myself . That was our situation just before 1982. By 1986 my mind and material world had become so different than normal for me, and I felt I had begun to understand what was happening to me.
"I" , a kind of detached observer then, which was very new to me, was puzzled that the tears felt like they were being wrung out of my body and saw that it was such painful weeping. I began to think and made reference to myself then as a 'towel person'. I realized the source of the term 'towel person' was an association formed from having observed (in 1963) an exhibit in which three baby monkeys were 'mothered', 2 by objects, not a real mother, from the moment their eyes were opened. One mother was a board, the other was a soft towel and one infant had a real mother. Only the baby that had a real mother had vitality and brightness. I talked about being a 'towel person', but to myself only.
Recognizing the source of the term corresponds to the way I remembered having read the words "This is no dream. This is really happening." in the book, Rosemary's Baby. I recognized the origin of the words. The recognition of the source of the term 'towel person' formed in my mind without any volition or will of my own. I didn't think about or realize this was a new kind of perception or that I was 'watching' content in my mind and beginning to see and experience how it operated. My body condition was wretched in contrast to the nearly 5 decades of never having that kind of misery. I'd had wounds on my body but there was no way to explain the heaviness, the terrible trembly, 'wavy' feelings in my legs that would not let me lay still, sit still or rest. I began to do many things that I'd not done before, noticing that this was 'opposite to normal for me to do', I saw my body in a way that was new and that newness marked those changes clearly.
When I read a phrase much later about 'archetypal weeping' and about Ramah, whose tears could not be stopped I felt the term 'archetypal weeping' might explain the body wrenching flood of tears that I wept every day for nearly 7 years. I remember the first day that I did not weep. I remember going to bed one night thinking: "I didn't weep today." Because by that point in time I realized the man and his wife had been the object of my attention for a definite reason. They were like a mirror. There was a lot of similarity in our lives that I'd not suspected and could not have understood with the ordinary 'sense' but I didn't have enough knowledge, from personal experiences and from psychiatric information which eventually formed a new understanding about reality and my relationship to even my own parents and their parents. This couple was at that point, in my way of understanding living the same life I was living. They were a kind of mirror of my marital relationship and I do hope this is not denigrating to anyone.
I sensed there was some purpose at work between 1986 and 1989, very slowly as events happened that seemed to be perfectly timed, precisely aligned with what I was physically doing just then, especially at my job at Boeing.
There was a situation in their life in it's psychologically described reality, (which was to me a very unexpected kind of interpretation of events) that they did not know about, nor suspect themselves. I had to meet information in every day life, in some very specific situations when I worked full time at Boeing to understand that kind of information. Books I just happened to be reading, what I was doing and my mental content began to blend. That felt very strange in my body. Information came in small incidents that were always a piece in a puzzle that assembled in my mind. Example: One day a young man I worked with introduced himself and he told me something I'd not known about the couple: he told me he lived in Lyndon, which was very Dutch. The callers wife had told me one day that living there was like living in a church. It was then that I realized she was basically very similar to my husband in their 'dutchness' but that's a long story. The young man was Dutch also; at the time he in many ways was living exactly as I was with my Dutch husband and was very similiar in some ways to this couple! He owned several low grade real estate properties in the Hilltop area of Tacoma, but he confided to me that he felt his wife was not sharing his life the way a wife should. This younger man was verbally and emotionally very verbally expressive, that was different because the other two 'dutch' men were not. He seemed able to talk to me about situations in his marriage without restraint. He knew what it was to be the kind of 'Dutch' that he was, which was to me by then just emerging as a pattern. (This pattern was lived by Boeing beginning in 1993, when technology was swamping we union members. It is described in two chapters by Norman O. Brown's Life Against Death, as the 'excremental vision/anality.)
He had lived in the same town this woman had grown up, in Lyndon, Washington. a town that was basically 'like' living in Holland. The wife of the live caller had told me that, she'd grown up there and she'd laughed when she remarked it was 'like living in a church'.
Suddenly I understood this couple had been 'mirrors' held up to me, through the mind and its activities. I'd observed that I had impulses to do things that I didn't intend or cause to happen myself, and would never have done normally. But I'd learned from those 'silly' impulses, accruing a kind of information from them that was not possible to get from only reading books. I learned that a 'transparent thing' , some thing that was embedded in every day life, hidden because it was ever present, was at work from those absurd activities over a span of several years. I'd also had several huge masses of information occur into my mind and smaller ones merged at times after I finished reading a book and had just closed it. Keep in mind that those 'mindquakes' as I named them, were linked in my mind to one my husband had mentioned only in an offhand way during our marriage, as 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker' in which as he told me, he'd been told every thing he would ever need to know.
In our past he had at times remarked for no reason that I could understand that 'he could not change', I would have to change.
I read Reality Therapy by William Glasser after noticing it in the psychiatrist's office. I had asked what it was about, then he offered me the book which I struggled through . When I returned it he offered me another book by Glasser, Mental Health or Mental Illness. I struggled through it too, noticing one sentence in it with more attention: "All behavior aberrations are the result of an inability or an evasion of responsibility to satisfy the needs of the organism."
Then one day after reading that book I was in the local library when I noticed the white spine of Stations of The Mind by the same William Glasser. Just the name familiarity caused me to check it out and read it. This book had information that was as new to me as the discovery of America was to the European world, about mechanisms of mind that restrict and filter what enters consciousness. These mechanisms 'control for comfort'. I was astonished but interested at that point. Soon after that I chanced to notice a book, The Doors of Perception by Aldus Huxley that introduced the information that there are times when the mind opens up so to speak and admits more 'reality'. The same psychiatrist suggested I read another book he had, The Man that Mistook his Wife for a Hat, by Oliver Sachs. I did borrow it and read a chapter or two then returned it because the ideas were beyond belief to me then.
If you consider the titles of the books I've just mentioned, there is a connection between them and what was literally happening in my mind, in my life. It's easy to recognize now, a 'theme' is carried forwards, built up in the literal words of the titles, linking them together. Its nearly impossible to describe how many events had to happen before I began, just began, to make that association myself. I'd had a 'whack on my head' in an automobile accident in 1981, I'd driven off a wrongly marked DEAD END street, and I was not aware life sends 'messages' to the individual through such real world activities. I read a book titled A Whack on the Head without thinking there was a link between me life and the book's title!
After July 31, 1984 the dream and the content of that scrolling band of 'non-stop thinking' began to find a match in the exterior world, although I was not able to notice it until about the middle of 1987. A few events happened that made it impossible NOT to notice the complete convergence of 'content' in my thought with books I chanced to find in a variety of places, as well as with events that happened involving at first the people in the two square-dance clubs. Then the content of the band of thought moved quite slowly away from where it had begun, and where it had remained 'stuck' for more than five years, veering into an area I could not have suspected or expected it to move: into the content of books I had begun to read that were very unusual for me to choose. Paul Davies book, Other Worlds was the first book about quantum physics that I read that had content in it that really startled me. Certain words I read had an effect on my body, seeming to 'jolt' me literally because they linked up with certain memories of myself from a very young age: "The importance of an observer."
I had not read the words anywhere yet but they were already in my mind, they had been in my mind in a remote location, but somehow visible to me location after one night in 1982! They had emerged faintly that night, so faintly it is impossible to describe how they 'wafted' into my mind one night as I looked around the room., waiting for the lesson to begin.
That was the night I had the first stage of a 'mindquake' that finished 7 years later in the fall of 1989. As I looked around the room, noticing something quite new to me, I noticed people in a different way, and some memories from my past caused me to think about what I was seeing then wonder to myself: "This is impossible! I don't believe another person but me would understand this. How on Earth will I ever explain this? Who on Earth will ever believe me?" then a long string of memories emerged into my mind that I remembered afterwards. Incidents that had happened when I was much younger came into my mind as though the memory had been stored safely away and the location was accessed. The contents of certain moments in my past were displayed in a flash of time, as easily as we now retrieve and display information on a computer. One memory in particular was vividly retrieved and I'd not thought of that event afterwards, I'd forgotten it. I was entering junior high school in a new town, I was alone, feeling angry when a new classmate came over to talk to me, so I felt less alone.
Who would normally think about that memory as a statement made to me, that I was in a new school and that I was not alone, I had some one to make me feel less alone?
At that time I was trying to type on an old manual typewriter and finding I could not type even one line without making so many errors that I typed gibberish. Because every error had to be 'whited out' or erased, it became agonizing to try to type. The misery I felt then, trying to type a letter to someone that I knew very well that had become impossible to talk to, cannot be described. The situation was extremely complicated then; my life after the dream and the effects of it had 'bothered' me from late in 1981 to the summer of 1984.
It was only in 1984 that I had neurological tests done that resulted in my being told my handedness had changed; from being right handed I was primarily now left handed. I discovered that I could also write backwards with my left hand as easily as I could write forwards! I'd always been a rapid typist and could use adding machines without making errors but now I could not balance a months bank statements in days of trying and agonizingly puzzling efforts to try to keep things normal in my life. Even after I was told my handedness had reversed, my body seemed to have a life of its own, doing things I'd not intended, I heard my self say things I'd no reason to say and had not thought about saying. That loss of volition was not easy to recognize, because it happened so gradually, like drips from a leaky faucet that gradually became a flood of new to me, kind of 'event'. The one thing that was changed was 'every thing' I heard, saw, and related to outside of my body.
The fact that the man in the dream and the club he ran with his wife in such a particular 'united' way had many hidden factors and relationships to my own personal situation, was more than I could have imagined. The fact is that the stream of thought contained only the thought about the dream and then events involving this one man and only this one man happened (cast a shadow) marked a location in my own mind. This fact was revealed to me, I would never have formed that association myself.
The indescribable grief I felt about him was transferred in 1989 to another person. I was told in 1989 that my own life had been shown to me, mirrored in the physical world by this couple and their at that point in time, similar situation with two groups of people who seemed also linked into one endeavor, bringing higher level dancing to the mainstream.
The words he said in off hand remarks were not jokes then, they literally told a story about what was happening then, at the time, in his life. Hearing those off hand remarks made me dizzy, literally for a few years. That 'symptom' has a name, its 'thought broadcasting' but later that changed into the other side of the same continuum gradually, 'ideas of reference/delusions of reference' and other symptoms associated by science as mental illness. I felt every thing that I heard or read in my body, and everything referred to what I was thinking about but had not told anyone about. When I tried to talk about this, I found out these are symptoms of mental illness. I'd not known that.
Later I met someone else that was affected by the club in virtually the same way at about the same time.
He was passionately devoted to the ideals of the harsh, seemingly mean live caller but he had disappeared for almost a year. When he returned he was gaunt, nearly skeletal (so was I) hollow eyed and not the same somewhat cheerful person he had been. He and I had talked at times, only briefly but he made some comments in those talks that I believe now were very important to me. His passion for square-dancing was equal to mine but we never danced as partners, even when I had no partner. I puzzled to myself about why he never had asked me to be his partner because he had no partner himself quite often. Between 1980 and 1988 he had a variety of dance partners but until about that time he never asked me to be his partner for even one tip. Then one night he came over to me, pulled me up without asking and initiated an openness between us that had been quite distinctly absent until he 'opened up'. I was astonished at how easy he was to talk to now, as opposed to how difficult, nearly impossible it had been prior to then to talk to him.
At that point I asked him why he had left the club for so long. He said: "It was the grief. I could not bear the grief."
He could not or would not elaborate beyond that. I had noticed a lack of liveliness in this club which contrasted with the light hearted atmosphere in the other club. This of course was how I felt, their were differences in the atmosphere of the two clubs. The difference didn't 'dawn' on me immediately, but it became obvious that something was 'dampening' the one club that did not operate at all in the other club. The 'ease' in one club and the 'dis-ease' in the other became evident physically and I related this to the terrible weeping.
What did the dream mean?
There was a distinct literalness in the dream, a re-presentation of certain actual details in my real life was made evident by it that I had to discover. Those details were brought to my attention and I had to discover that also.
I had never had a dream in which I felt human touch, nor had I felt myself to be in two places, nor had I recognized my mind generating of it's own volition, thought that had been abstracted from books I'd read. This became quite common after the dream, but in spite of being visible to me, it's significance and meaning didn't become evident until about the middle of 1987. I will relate that later.
The live caller and the tape caller in the dream had a certain relationship to 'history' and the present time (when the dream happened) but let me repeat that became apparent to me only with the passage of time. I became aware that in history there have been eras, periods that were experienced quite differently overall, by the human race than I'd known about. The 'dark ages' and the 'age of enlightenment' for example had been mere words I'd read in school.
I'd read Emanuel Swedenborg's Heaven and Hell by 1988 and I'd begun to attend a bi-monthly service the small group held in their home. This group did not advertise themselves nor did they promote Emanuel Swedenborg. They quietly presented sermons comparing his ideas with ideas in the Bible. One prevailing idea was that there has been a flow of 'churches'. A 'church' was defined as eras/systems of things'' on Earth from the Most Ancient Church to the Ancient Church, and then the Church of Adam. There had been in the first 'church' direct communication between man and heaven that was the Most Ancient Church. Communication came less directly in The Ancient Church but in the Church of Adam which followed, there was no direct communication between man and heaven. Swedenborg wrote that Jesus' life had restored that connection, a thought that was to my thinking not going to be easy to 'digest' by other interpretations of what "It is accomplished." meant.
I'd had a minor 'mindquake' after reading a book in which the authors tried to isolate what was different in Jesus life. The content of that mindquake caused me to shiver in my body because the one idea that was brought to my mind in that incident was that no other religious figure had focused on another world, a 'kingdom within you' from which He'd come and to which He was going to return. Other heretical ideas were revealed in that incident, the effect was to cause me to believe space travel was beginning, it was now possible, and that had been the goal of 'Time' itself, this was really the 'end of Time'. The word 'end' also means goal. That fact required me to live through a long string of events, happening at work at Boeing, when supervisors were all reading The Goal by Goldratt. The books ideas was inserting a new way of thinking into the corporate mindset. The author had a breakthrough idea about his problem which was that his factory was to be closed if he could not make it profitable, when he had to get a troop of boys to a certain location on time. Some of the boys were slow, they were 'bottle necks' a term that we began to hear at work after 1997.
The 'literal sense' had emerged about 6,000+ years ago, replacing a kind of 'symbolic' sense that everyone had gradually become unable to grasp. At one point my own son was active in a church that insisted the Earth was only 6,000 years old. It occurred to me eventually that some thing, an idea, 6,000 years old was in that perception/understanding but it as not about the Earth. It was displaced information but it was a real idea, very commonly experienced then, and now in some minds. The 'literal sense itself' in the dream was that there were two 'veins' of experience, one related to 'taped material of other well known authors' i.e., history as its been recorded by a male mind. And the other was literally a 'live caller' who was activating even the 'taped material' that had been abstracted out from highly regarded authors (William Blake; R. Maurice Bucke; Boehme) such as have written about some attribute of their encounter with 'irrational' itself.
It was not related to religion but the source of religions.
The manner in which the dream literally represented what was happening in my actual life did not emerge suddenly. One day while I read something in Swedenborg's writings I remember a thought that occurred into my mind, that all of the 'churches/eras/systems of things' were 'history/his story' literally, since nothing has been written by the actual real world female on that scale of authorship. I had by then read quite a lot and had learned about many ideas, particularly related to psychiatry as well as a kind of book I'd often seen advertised in full page ads when I was young but never read: "Science of the Mind" by Holmes is an example.
History and it's authorship by a purely masculine mind had a beginning point that I had not suspected even in 1984 when I was thrust into the 'world of man', a purely mental world, which I believe now, man relates to somehow without knowing it's there! Woman is and has been 'seen' as (in my experience) a part of his own body, 'like' a bone of his own body, flesh of his flesh' since the fall in which a snake seemed to talk. That idea is at the root of the wars we are waging now, in 2013 on this planet.
My 'stream of thought' about the dream began to merge quietly with other ideas not connected to the two 'callers',
Many experiences that seemed impossibly precisely timed to merge with the 'thought' on that non-stop stream of thought created a kind of 'new event', which I did not name as coincidences, I still don't think of them that way. One event happened at work in 1987 that forced me to see the precise timing of that event, and its easy to verify, its on my work record. We saw a safety film, Safety Secrets and I just happened to be trying to read a book I'd started several times and put aside. I'd not been able to 'get' the main plot but that day I began to understand the relationship of the two characters in the book to each other, to other characters in the book but also to a new factors: certain thought in a mind that was not 'me' thinking, and also Time itself.
By the time the movie Sleepless In Seattle came out, I was still watching the stream of thought, without noticing that quite subtly and slowly the content had veered away from where it began. That a single stream of thought was moving along through my mind, like a 'tape' playing continually would not have occurred to me. Later it began to become apparent that a kind of 'coincidence' was happening, that whatever content was on the tape was meeting it's exact match in some place in the exterior world. Books that I was reading seemed 'familiar' to me, but at times a particular incident of perfect timing made it obvious that the 'tape material' was meeting it's match. I will have to write about some of those incidents.
This made it easy to recognize the 'coincidence' which was in other cases only experienced as a sense of familiarity. In 2003, it is often described as 'resonance', but that word means: re-sounding, an echo resounds.
By 1987 the content was no longer about the man or the dream, it was beginning quite gradually to contain material that I could see was being generated from books I'd read. This gradual 'veering away' from where it had begun was one of the most critical details about the dream. It established a long point of reference by being only about the one man whose unusual way of relating to people in his club had put him at the center of a local controversy about the newly emerging All Position Dancing requirement. The circumstances between the two clubs and between my husband and our personal relationship began to fit within a single line of experience, but it was a new experience, a completely new line of thought having been established by this ongoing thought content about the dream.
I need to write something about the man whose arm felt real, warm and alive at this point to set a context for his 'meaning' in this dream: His reputation for being 'difficult' had kept us away from his club until we'd moved near to where he called. His reputation was based on (as I had to find out) his uncompromising viewpoint about his club and how to learn challenge level instruction. He insisted everyone begin again with him, because he taught the lessons on a very rigorous way, based strictly on the rules of All Position Dancing. He seemed not to have heard about the main rule that would insure a callers popularity: Let the dancers win, don't call a higher level than the floor can handle comfortably. He pushed his dancers to meet his standards, and as a result his own dancers could not even often dance with well to his calling. We were embarrassed in public at time, laughed at by our fellow mainstream club friends and callers. Yet a few dancers, we were among them adored him and remained steadfast when each year, the new students that had begun lessons classes drifted away.
There were lots of problems, issues emerged that I'd not be able to write about because the context is so broad and 'facts' emerge from my particular observership, which includes my entire past and understanding.
When I had this dream I didn't know that dreams have meaning or that the beginning of psychiatry in Freud's time was when he wrote a book about dreams. This is important to keep in mind, that I knew nothing about psychiatric ideas when I had the dream. The dream happened one night in the fall of 1981 I can't date it specifically but afterwards I was plagued by a stream of thought about it, that I could not understand nor could I prevent it from moving relentlessly through my mind day and night for years.
Not a word was spoken in the dream and although I was the observer I didn't see myself, it was a scene I looked at and only two men were in it. They were both local challenge level square-dance callers, but they were exactly opposite at that time, to each other in many ways. The names of their clubs were the Tapeworms because that caller used taped recordings to teach his classes and the Hard'n Easy's had an actual live caller. These names had a particular significance when I understood the dream nearly 15 years later. There was a literalness of detail in the fact that a 'tape caller' and a 'live caller' were in the dream and I had to discover this factual level, which was not symbolic at all. Dreams are usually not interpreted 'literally'.
I'd begun to notice that I could not do many things easily that I'd always done without thinking about the 'details' when I had the dream. I went to a seminar about 12 years ago by Steven Rosen who said that every detail in a dream is always about the dreamer. Nothing is about anyone except the dreamer, so keep that in mind. I am using the names of people but now I realize their characteristics and even some circumstances in their lives at this point in Time, really were significant to what was already a detail about my own life. Names of certain words, that were new to me such as 'attributes' and 'concepts' that I was not aware of when I had the dream have become common now because computers are so common. Many people understand those words which were more commonly used by mathematicians.
It was 17 years after the dream that I really understood the literal sense and the literal meaning of this dream.
Every year he had a nice class to begin with but except for a few 'diehards' they got angry and discouraged because he seemed to knowingly embarrass them, denigrate and disparage them. This did not seem to be a fact to me, for some reason that I had not begun to think about yet. I felt embarrassed myself quite often because of how he conducted his classes, I really felt that I was always the person that had caused the set to collapse because I couldn't do a movement he called. It was painful to belong to his club because other clubs laughed at us for not being 'competent dancers' to our own caller. There were times when most of the sets on the floor at one of his dances was standing around, not dancing. If one set could keep going, he called until that set could no longer keep going. However for some reason his fascinating rhythms kept us coming, because when we could do them, the flow was wondrously enchanting. Somehow the 8 people were bonded into a unit and it felt exquisite to be able to experience this 'bond'.
.He was not known for being friendly, welcoming or even 'agreeable' in any way as the other man seemed always friendly, non-judgmental as far as letting anyone that wanted to 'join the club' take square dance lessons. There were people who simply could not learn but he never made them feel unwelcome. The two men in the dream were complete opposites, except they were united in their deep passion for challenge level squaredancing.
I knew nothing about the 'interaction of opposites' in 1981 also.
By watching these two clubs and in being part of them, actually moving and doing what they 'were', a unit in their deepest passionate endeavors.
I began to experience a terrible 'twisted' feeling, which could not be explained until I read about the 'double bind' and 'mixed signals'. If there are mixed signals, there are signals.
One of these callers wanted to achieve a definite goal and I began to feel in my body the strange situation that arose when it began to become apparent to me that he and his wife were actually 'short sheeting' their own stated objectives. He wanted to become nationally well known and this objective seemed within his grasp except for one thing: He could not keep enough dancers in his club to develop all levels of challenge level dancers.
It was a setting loaded with potentials that I could not have imagined then, because I knew so little about history, all of it, which includes....every thing that has been written down, in all times. There are distinct concepts that link ideas of quantum physics, the I Ching, the chess game and certain ideas about projection in psychiatry that I knew nothing about until I began to experience all the information in my body . There's an idea in psychiatry that I knew nothing about, and this one idea began to emerge through the 'drama' that was entering into my actual life at that point in time, late in 1981. The idea of transference/displacement and its reception in therapy caused me to feel that nobody was listening to me, even in therapy, especially in therapy after I'd become aware that I felt 'prohibited' from speaking my own thoughts to this one man. He 'represented' all men, woman has been invisible since she became a 'bone of my flesh'.
The dream made no sense to me for more than a decade and even then I couldn't relate to the actual literal sense of it. To sum up: There were two callers in it:
One was a caller that used other people's lessons to teach his class., the Tapeworms, a revolting name that made us somewhat of a joke to other clubs. He could not call himself and there were no advanced and challenge level clubs in the area. In order to have a place to dance he had to teach enough people and keep them interested, so he chose to use recordings of nationally well known squaredance callers.
One of the callers used only his own methods, giving no quarter to how people felt about him or his methods to teach his students. He gave no evidence that he needed the admiration or respect of anyone else, when it required of him that he adapt to their standards. His apparent disregard for the main idea that would make a caller popular made him acquire a formidable reputation, which kept us away until we moved into his area. Later I began to notice that his reputation for being 'mean', and 'thoughtless' did not seem to apply to him.
This is where the confusion began to emerge: when I noticed how kind he was to his wife, how often he gave every evidence of being very kind to her, then kind beyond anything normal to his wife. I remember thinking one day: "How could a kind and gentle man like him, beat a dog?" Which we'd seen him do one day.
The 'mixed signals' that I was looking at in this setting began to emerge in my body.
If there are mixed signals, there are signals. The signal may be invisible until it gets visibility in some way, but this is how it began, with a simple dream.
The dream occurred a few years before 1984 when I had the first enormous batch of information occur into my mind. It focused my attention and held it captive into a place I'd not been 'looking/listening to': my own mind. Its October 16, 2013 and I'm editing this page to update it, and hopefully explain how the voice of the cosmos came to my attention. It is a real voice, its artificially created by a well known pattern I believe. I was different by then from 'normal' for me in 1981 in the fall.