It all began with a simple every day 'event' that happened when I was about 13 years old.; that would have been in 1945, shortly after the end of WW2.
I used to ride my bicycle to a place just outside of Ladoga,
Indiana to a bridge that was
close to a brick house I liked to look at when I stood by the bridge just
thinking. It was a private place. There were several reasons I went to this
place, usually alone. There
were places nearby that were wonderfully cool on hot days so I went
there often in the summer.
I'd walked across a field close to the bridge, to the top
of a high hill in the field, then laid down to enjoy the hot summer sun. After
a while I suppose I went halfway to sleep, but my eyes were open, looking at the
blue sky. I had the feeling suddenly that I was in a high place on this hill,
looking up at the huge blue bowl above me. I had never experienced the sky as a
'bowl' but that is how it seemed to me as I mused about what I was looking at. Many
drowsy thoughts about how far away the sky was, how distant were the stars at night flowed through my mind.
M
Quite suddenly I felt in my body that I was an unimaginably
tiny speck laying on the surface of a huge ball hanging in a
vast space. I felt the space around me. I felt a terrible frightening feeling
of isolation, of being alone in all that space. I felt the
presence of my body on an enormous moving surface that was surrounded
itself by nothing at all that more than dwarfed me. Something exposed my size in so much
space that it HURT in a real physical location: 'in the pit of
my stomach', literally.
Then a thought occurred into my mind and odd to say the
thought was about 'thought': "Thought is the common denominator of all
human beings. All human beings think." and then another thought: "We
must be IN something, or ON something. And thought must DO something."
The memory of that day's unusual event vanished from my mind. I had basically forgotten it until the moment it was retrieved attached specifically to the words "You are correct", which was the preface to the 1984 event. It was a package of information about my life.
88888888888888888888888888888888888
The package of information began with these words: "You are correct." alongside the memory of that event on the hill with it's reference to: 'We must be IN something or ON something. And thought must DO something.". The words were retrieved exactly as I'd heard them and "You are correct." was connected directly to the words. Then the words "Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." occurred, and they were attached to other memories from my past. An enormous package followed, so much that I cannot hope to describe how it was a unit, connected yet somehow also in separate 'strings' of memories from my past, assembled into a kind of movie like presentation. This is important to grasp, memories were assembled from my past in a linear way, yet the 'package' itself was all of them distinctly relating to that day on the hill. When the bundle of memories was retrieved they were given meaning by how they were arranged so that a 'story line' was revealed, the way a movie does at it's conclusion. The visible 'thought' part was only a small part of this first part. I was made aware in a flash of time of my life, not as I understood it but as I later became aware was a paradigm that began with Eve and the stereotyped viewpoint about women. I felt the burden of being Eve in my body more strongly. I had already begun to feel a sense of grief that was almost unbearable. but I didn't know why I felt it although I remember the exact moment it began. Embedded in the package was a message, which I didn't hear as thought, nor did I observe it until the day I typed it out, almost a year later.
The message itself with it's 10 items, was embedded in it, hidden as was the Guidelines, The Statement of Purpose and the Goals which were also in the package. They were documents that I typed later, each one at different times. The message and the way the content of the event was decoded during the next 5 years, was distinctly connected to a book Carl Sagan wrote, Contact. I read that book almost a year later, after I just happened to notice it one day when I was shopping at Southcenter.
A second mindquake, as I'd thought of it by 1989, happened in the fall of 1989, followed shortly by a third one which revealed in a way I can never doubt that from the beginning of my life, a hidden activity had been concealed. It was exposed suddenly, in a way that may seem laughable, but I almost fainted when it happened. The shock of what happened when I glanced at the back of a book, The History of Pi, by Petr Beckmann almost made me swoon. I named that one, my 'pi' quake. What had been hidden was suddenly exposed, events that were embedded in every day life had been somehow 'installed' for use later in my life. An impulse that caused me to do something so that I learned from the impulse directly, had been at work, laying down a foundation for the 1984 event and what was to happen afterwards on this planet.
I believe at this point in Time, almost 23 years after 1984, that reading words or encountering them somewhere in the physical world worked to 'release' bits of information in that packet of information about my specific life.
The message was just part of it. I didn't know about it until I typed it out one day, a year later, and I didn't recognize it even then!
The words and the memories from my past were linked so that
I was 'told' that what I was 'correct about' was linked directly to
the exact words in that hill event: "We
must be IN something, or ON something. And thought must DO something."
88888888888888888888888888888888888
8888888888888888888888888888888
BACKGROUND
When the memory of what had happened on the hill was retrieved as the beginning of the event that happened in the 10 days between July 31 and August 11, 1984, my mind and 'thought', my body and my life circumstances were different than 'normal' for me. I believed the changes were due to a complete hysterectomy late in 1979 and a subsequent diagnosis of 'severe post menopausal syndrome' by the surgeon. Then a little more than a year later I drove off the end of a Dead End Street, smashing my head up against the interior of the car and the windshield. That totaled my car on Wednesday and our 16 years old daughter had totaled her first car on Sunday of the same week. The loss of two cars in such a short time brought about an incident with my husband that was unusual for him, I need to make that distinct, but I was slapped very hard on the face several times and that also caused me to believe I had brain damage later, when everything, every detail in my life, began to seem different from 'normal'. My hearing was changed, my sight was different, my mind had 'new kinds of thought' streaming through it. I was curious about that also. This 'change' was evident to me at least 4 years before I read anything about right-left brain functioning, in a book, Superlearning, by Ostrander and Ostrander, then later in a science magazine that was published in 1981. The effect of the overall change was that nothing was as it had been, yet I could not see anything different. It became evident later the change was internal, but it altered every detail outside of my body.
The very first 'thought words' were spoken by a presence that was new, I heard it for the first and only time: "You are correct. Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." but an enormous package of events that had happened in my real life, in my home beginning with the first night of my marriage followed those words and they illustrated what the words meant on several levels. They were somehow 'spoken' as thought, in a way I've never experienced prior to this event, and never again after the first 'mindquake'. I've tried to find a way to explain it and could only relate it to the sound of an advancing thunder storm like we used to have in Indiana. It was distant for a time, then directly overhead, then it rolled away vanishing forever, leaving behind, this package of information that had to be 'unpacked', bit of information by bit of information afterwards.
I remember realizing immediately that I had forgotten that event and had never thought about it afterwards.
Huge masses of memories from my past followed those words, but there were two 'threads' of memories in the opening packet because my life as it was in 1984 was laid open from two completely separate 'veins', neither of which had anything to do with my own real life.
Both 'veins' were unexpected, unsuspected by me, but one of them made sense immediately because it was made up from strings of memories that began with something that happened the first night I was married. It was followed by other events that I remembered but had not known had a hidden meaning. I knew nothing then about psychiatric interpretations so I knew nothing about 'psychologically significant' events. One such event will perhaps convey something of what I mean: My first Christmas gift from my new husband had puzzled me, not angered me, but puzzled me. They were a pair of brown sheepskin lined house slippers, still in the store bag, and I knew he'd just gone shopping that day. I remember looking at them and asking him in my puzzlement why he had not gotten pink or blue for me. He took the shoes from me, put them in the box then into the sack and handed it back to me brusquely saying: "Take them back and get what you want." At the time this memory was 'retrieved' and replayed complete, intact in all aspects, an interpretation of the event occurred: "I had been given a symbolic statement, which of course I didn't know anything about, that I was supposed to wear 'male shoes' but not talk about it., not say anything about the 'gender reversal'. My husband could not be understood from this event however, at that point in time, and I do not intend to malign him in any way. In choosing the slippers he was unconscious, and in receiving them, so was I. The interpretation of a 'Freudian' psychologically sensed event would not have been possible in one event. Many, many things that had happened after that one were also retrieved, arranged on a string and I 'got the message' but did not do the interpreting myself. I received 'understanding' from this 'other' that was obviously able to access every memory and had obviously been present when every day events happened.
This is not the place to digress so much as would be necessary to explain one 'vein' of experience that opened up a hidden view of my life. It was a viewpoint that forced me to eventually understand that our past was installed somewhere as though on a computer, and selected events could be accessed , strung together and displayed in a movie like flash of Time.
This was to prove to me beyond any possibility of my doubting it, that I did not create this experience myself, I received it from a distinct 'other', through real people who at that point seemed as deeply engaged in the f low of circumstances in my mind as though they knew of it. They TOLD ME, using words that they would ordinarily have spoken in every day life but there was a confusing relationship to 'thought' that I'd not said anything about to anyone, ever.
The other 'vein' linked directly to the burden of actually being 'Eve', whose transgressions I had heard frequently throughout my life, had caused Adam's fall. Within the last 3 months I overheard a man saying to someone else I work with as I passed nearby: "Adam can never be wrong. He can be misinterpreted, misunderstood. mislead but he can never be wrong." I had already begun to feel a terrible unexplainable grief, but that grief was now linked to being Eve, actually in my body. It was a kind of 'double fault line' that was exposed to me, and that's why by 1989 I had begun to consider the 1984 event to be a 'mind quake'.
At that moment when I was 13 years old, my presence on the surface of the Earth was exposed to me. I was 'identified', literally.
In 1982 I had a dream that initiated what I described as 'non-stop thinking'. The Dream After the dream I did not sleep normally, drifting off into oblivion and waking up rested, for more than a decade and a half. I was conscious of sounds around me all night long, and during the day I was struggling to maintain household duties that suddenly were impossible or very difficult to do. Something had changed but I didn't know how drastically my normal habits were affected until 3 years later when a neurological test was done. One of the results of it showed that my handedness had changed, my left hand had become the predominating hand. That explained why I could not type one line correctly on my manual typewriter, or balance a months checks using my 10-key adding machine. The terrible frustration of trying to do what had always been easy to do, without knowing why it was suddenly impossible cannot be described. The explanation of 'changed handedness' did not explain everything however.
This test was done at my request, 3 years to the day after the automobile accident, only because a woman that partnered me in a square-dance class remarked to me several times during the lesson that I had turned a left handed turn rather than right. That began to penetrate slowly, so I realized that might explain why I was getting lost so often or having problem getting to familiar places. The woman's' husband was the square-dance caller so he couldn't dance with her. He was the real live caller in my dream. The sole content of the stream of non-stop thinking was about him, nothing but him and I was more than curious about how my own mind could or would produce so much thought about a short extremely vivid dream. It was not a sexual dream, I cannot even now explain what the content was, but it was restricted to him always.
(At the advanced and challenge levels of square-dancing gender positions do not exist so whenever it's necessary two people of the same sex are paired.)
An example of the first of a certain kind of 'coincidence' happened when the movie, Sleepless In Seattle came out. I thought it was about me because I had been literally sleepless for years and I lived in Seattle. . Two decades later I was able to realize that this kind of 'coincidence' had happened in my past, many tiimes. It had happened when I was in my 20's and had just met the man I was later to marry. I saw the movie, The Collector then read the book. It was fascinating to me, beyond normal. The book was written by John Fowles, about a young man that kidnapped a young girl thinking she would grow to love him once she got to know him. The story is told from his viewpoint and hers. The two mindsets simply do not understand each other. This was actually the same kind of 'coincidence' as Sleepless In Seattle, but I could not have recognized that in the mid 50's! It's not easy to recognize that some content in this kind of 'coincidence' described, repeated, echoed, re-iterated, or simply 'reflected' a detail about my life to me, in a conversational mode. I would not have made that connection if the 1989 mind-quake had not brought to my attention several facts I had not noticed only one of which was. that my name had been 'said' to me in a particular way. By then I had learned to understand a certain symbolic relationship between apparently randomly occurring thought words, memories from my past and what was in front of me at the moment and at times, what I was physically doing.
However difficult to understand it might be, I remember clearly that I lived a 'thought' less life literally until I was approaching my 50th year, in 1982. A 'thought' filled mind had already begun, but gradually, I was noticing inner content in a way I had not done in the past, a few years prior to 1984. I had begun to experience non-stop thinking, an ongoing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year stream of content scrolled through my mind by 1982. Then a different kind of thought began, which caused me to be curious about it, because it was archaic, 'thou art, thou ought, thee should, etc.." and unfamiliar to me.
But I did not connect that 'streaming thought' which was about a dream I'd had in about 1981, to the 1984 event until a link was made in the second stage event, in 1989. I had not noticed that the content of the 'non-stop thinking' had veered away from being about the dream, and the man in it, quite gradually to a quite different kind of content. The fact that this 'stream of thought' had no content but about a dream and one man, until after I began to read books about quantum level physics was pointed out to me, in the 1989, second stage event. I had not noticed this gradual change, and had certainly not understood that the dream itself had described exactly what was happening when it happened.
This 'hill top' event was installed early in my life for use at a specific point in Time, when a change was going to happen in Time and an observer was, I believe, required to see it begin then to experience it personally and in a real sense, record what happened. When I realized finally that an enormous package of information came along with those words, almost 5 years had passed and I had experienced an almost unbelievable convergence of events in the physical world that aligned perfectly with 'thought content' in my mind. When I was forced by real world circumstances to try to prove that I was not 'crazy' and that I did not imagine things, I began to read books that were not typical for me to choose, the I realized the content of those books was finding a match in my thought. The thing that I was trying to describe was strangely describing itself to m e. And much more that than, it was creating an understanding of a new language. It really provided all the words to describe its self in a form I know happens already, but which is not easily noticed because it does happen already, and the pattern is very well known in psychiatric texts.
Nothing is as invisible as what is 'ever present'. Nothing is more nearly impossible to put into a completely different context than what is familiar, than what is already there.
The fact that this enormous 'change' involved the physical world through a group of people who were at that point physically doing something that could serve as a model, a living model for the advent of this change is more that enough evidence to me to believe there is intelligence other than my own behind that event.
I was not the only observer. There were several people who seemed for a time to be aware of their role in a kind of 'drama', one I had not said anything about because all of this 'material' was emerging from a part of 'mind/brain' that was not connected to articulatable words or words I could write down at that point. There was in addition one other person who had said what was essential for more than three decades between 1953 and 1984 to bring about the situations I lived in in 1984. The obvious sense that a long period of preparation in my very real world life by a real live person that seemed to know what the future was going to contain emerged immediately in the firs 1984 event.
By 1989 I had become aware, just barely begun to understand that what a person says and does is not always in their conscious memory. It is difficult to describe how a person can say and do things that they don't know they do. It is almost impossible to describe what it is like to learn, slowly over a period of decades, that a person can tell another person to do something, which the other person does do and then the first person has no memory of having said what was said. It's difficult to write about personal relationships, naming names without seeming to be malicious but that's the only way some events I've experienced, and tried to validate with the person can be written down. In the 'unconscious' life we live, specificity is required, and not generality, or conceptual knowledge.
There was one person in my real world life, who
did what was essential to at least seem to knowingly participate in what seemed to be a
'thought' content that I had not spoken aloud about to anyone. That one person
had a distinct effect on me, and there's a fairly simple way to understand what
the 'unconscious mind' really is through this 'effect'. I became aware of a
'bond' in families that almost certain is very commonly experienced. However
it's
very difficult to write about even now at the beginning of 2006 when we can
easily recognize that 'history' really is 'his' story.
This 'Hill event' simple as it may read was one of a few events happened early in my life that like vivid photographs of an event, that 're-played' periodically in my mind so that I would notice them I believe. They were specific in content and each one was linked to an event in the future: 1984.
This is a fairly recent event that happened in the same location when I went back to my 50th alumni meeting. The Glimmer of Gold in 2000