It all began with an ordinary every day 'event' when I was about 13 years old.; that would have been in 1945, shortly after the end of WW2.
I liked to ride my bicycle to a place just outside of Ladoga,
Indiana to a bridge that was
close to a brick house I liked to look at as I stood by the bridge. There
were places nearby that were wonderfully cool on hot days and sunny
places to sun bath, so I went
there often in the summer.
Quite suddenly I felt in my body that I was an unimaginably
small speck laying on the surface of a huge ball hanging in a
vast space. I felt the space around me. I felt a frightening feeling
of isolation, of being alone in all that space. I felt the
presence of my body on an enormous, moving surface that was surrounded
itself by nothingness that more than dwarfed me. The feeling exposed my size in so much
space that it HURT in a real physical location: 'in the pit of
my stomach', literally.
Then a thought occurred into my mind and odd to say the
thought was about 'thought': "Thought is the common denominator of all
human beings. All human beings think." and then another thought
followed: "We
must be IN something, or ON something. And thought must DO something."
Afterwards the memory of that day's unusual event vanished from my mind. I never thought about the incident on the hill until it was retrieved, complete with all the feelings, the thought and what I was looking at as a preface to the first mindquake in 1984. I've had a few memories re-occur into my mind after the event happened, but this wasn't one of them. Seemingly it vanished after that day.
The few 'regenerated memories' were of a different kind of event, they were memories of something I'd done when I was about 9 years old, or something I'd seen (like the movie serial The Missing Link) or read (a sentence in a magazine about intelligence: "Intelligence is the ability to identify isolated but related facts and to form them into theories that explain the universe." I read this in SEVENTEEN magazine). There was a variety of re-occurring memories, some were like a photograph of what I was doing, what I was looking at and how I felt. The event was at times retrieved complete in every detail but a few were merely words that occurred into my thought. Two words, missing link' occurred into my thought for no reason I could see but the memory of the plot of the movie serial a woman scientist in a jungle, that it was about the search for the link between man and animal was part of the retrieved memory. Another two words 'common denominator' was the most common re-occurring memory and I always associated it with simple arithmetic. It occurred at times when I read something, not frequently.
That day on the hill was an extra unusual event but I didn't think about it even once after it happened. The other memories were really ordinary except that for some reason the memory didn't vanish. Each memory was individually regenerated for no reason at times until I was in my forties. It was only then I wondered to myself about them, individually. I didn't link them together the way Petr Ouspensky mentioned in the first paragraph of A New Model of the Universe.
When the memory of what had happened on the hill was retrieved in the 10 days between July 31 and August 11, 1984 the first words were words I'd never heard before: "You are correct. Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." Then the complete 'moment' that had happened when I was 13 years old was regenerated, and I again felt in my body what I'd felt that day and the thought was part of it: "Thought is the common denominator of all human beings. All human beings think." and then the other thought: "We must be IN something, or ON something. And thought must DO something."
These words were associated with 'You are correct."
The very first 'thought words' were new, I heard them for the first time, the only time: "You are correct. Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." but the words were followed by an enormous package of memories of events that had happened in my real life, in my home beginning with the first night of my marriage. That part was followed by memories and words that illustrated what the words meant, on several levels. ( I knew nothing about levels then.) They were somehow 'spoken' as thought, in a way I've never experienced prior to this event, and never again after the first 'mindquake'. I've tried to find a way to explain it and could only relate it to the sound of an advancing thunder storm like we used to have in Indiana. There was a kind of distance, the package advanced then moved along and receded in the distance. But while it was directly 'over head' another part of the package that I couldn't see, didn't suspect was in the package and could not relate to at all, followed the visible part. It contained the message, and every detail associated with understanding it, the statement of purpose, guidelines and much more.
There was another layer of retrievals of events from my recent past that I clearly 'heard/saw' in a way, and related to immediately in a way but not with any understanding. I was outraged. An almost undescribable part of what I 'saw/heard' involved statements about my husband, and a few sentences that had occurred into my mind at different times, but all within the few months previous when I was looking at a person, the man that was in my dream. The thoughts were retrieved as a batch and the pronouns and genders were reversed and my name and my husband's name inserted.
The visible part is extremely complicated but it was all memories from my real life, suddenly retrieved, and all as a single unit, nothing was divided or separate. It was all one package. I had to find that out later, no thing was more difficult than having to discover ever 'bit' of that package later, and it had all happened in my mind.
I remember recognizing immediately that I had forgotten that event on the hill and had never thought about it afterwards.
Huge masses of memories from my past followed those words, but there were two 'threads' of memories in the opening packet because my life as it was in 1984 was laid open from two completely separate 'veins'; neither of which had anything to do with my own real life. (It was as I found out later, the 'stereotyped, commonly sensed' mindset of Aristotlean thought carried forwards and very little changed into what we now regard as the misogynistic- anal-retentive viewpoint, the way Norman O. Brown wrote about it in Life Against Death, the psychoanalytic view of history.)
I thought the word misogynistic meant 'miserly' until I looked for the definition when I read that book in about 1995!! )
Both 'veins' were unexpected and unsuspected by me but one of them made sense immediately because it was made up from strings of memories that began with something that happened the first night I was married, an angry remark my new husband had said to me: "Have you said your prayers?" (Don't form any conclusions about that, it had nothing to do with religion or any kind of violence done or intended.)He had not registered as an alien and I kept after him until he did, then immediately he had been drafted, so he was angry at me.)
There were other events that I remembered but had not known had a hidden meaning or could be described as 'psychologically significant' events. That's because I knew nothing about the psychological sense, its relationship to 'art' and interpretation of myths, fairy stories, even parables in the bible.
I knew absolutely nothing about the psychological method of interpretation, that seems to me now to have been my most useful attribute, ignorance and lack of education.
This is not the place to digress into writing as much as would be necessary to explain that 'vein of experience' in my married life, that was the standardized version of woman. It was somewhat connected to the other 'vein'. The other 'vein' linked directly to the burden of actually being 'Eve', whose transgressions I had heard about frequently throughout my life. She had caused Adam's fall and brought sin into the world.
Within the last 3 months I overheard a man saying to someone else I work with as I passed nearby: "Adam can never be wrong. He can be misinterpreted, misunderstood. mislead but he can never be wrong."
At that moment when I was 13 years old, my presence on the surface of the Earth was exposed to me. However difficult to understand it might be, I remember that I lived a 'thought' less life literally until about 1980. My mind was basically empty until a change began. My empty head gradually became a 'thought' filled mind, it didn't happen all at once. A few incidents had happened in the physical world and my inner world had changes that had already begun a few years prior to 1984. I barely noticed them, but I noticed them without curiosity at first, then curiosity began. I wondered if "I" was thinking those thoughts.
I had begun to experience non-stop thinking, an ongoing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year stream of content scrolled through my mind. But I did not connect that 'streaming thought' which was about a dream I'd had late in 1981 to the 1984 event until a link was made in the second stage of the same event. And that happened in the fall of 1989, surprising me almost speechless because of where I was when it happened. In Life Against Death by N. O. Brown wrote that Martin Luther was in the same location when he got his biggest revelation: on the privy in the tower. But I was at work trying to rest a few minutes, 'on the john' when the second stage emerged.
There was a big difference in that I could relate to it immediately, it had taken 5 years to read that point, to get to that space in my own mind!!! I was made aware of many details that I'd noticed but not thought about or understood and they had happened earlier than 1984.
I had also not noticed that the content of the 'non-stop thinking' had veered away from being about the dream and the man in it, to a quite different kind of content. The unchanging aspect of the stream of thought, that it was about one man and one dream for a few years marked it. But it had begun to have different content by 1986 and I had not noticed that or thought about the different content. It had to do with books I'd begun to read about quantum physics but that was also pointed out in the 1989, which was an unexpected second stage event. The content was surprising but was obviously built on what I'd been doing and thinking in the 5 years between 1984 and 1989, and even prior to that. It made me think, in fact it began with a brilliant color image of my hand turning my lower bridge work over and over. "Thing about it some more. Chew on it some more. Think about the whole thing. Think about the implications of the whole thing," David Bohm's book, Wholeness and the Implicate Order was primarily the first association that formed, but so much followed that thought that I would have to write a few hundred pages and even that would probably not make sense to someone else. More of my past was retrieved and I was made aware of an evening in 1982 that I remembered but had not understood, could not have understood when it happened.
. The second stage was as much a bundle as the first one, but I'd learned to relate to my mind's contents in a different way by then. I had travelled space in my thought that I couldn't have imagined was there.
This 'hill top' event was installed early in my life for use at a specific point in Time, when a change was going to happen in Time and an observer was, I believe, required to see it begin, then to experience it personally, to follow a change as it happened and in a real sense, record what happened. When I realized finally that an enormous package of information came along with those words about thought, almost 5 years had passed. I had experienced an almost unbelievable convergence of events in the physical world that aligned perfectly with 'thought content' in my mind. Some thought was distinctly in my mind before it met its match anywhere, in any form in the exterior world. It was so specific that I wondered how that kind of specificity could happen even one time in a life time.
When I was forced by real world circumstances to try to prove that I was not 'crazy' and that I did not imagine things, I began to read books that were not typical for me to choose. Then one day something happened to make me think about a connection between what I read and my real world life. Then I realized the content of those books was finding a match in my thought because a few times I had noticed thought occur that later I read exactly as it had occurred in my mind, the exact words in a book. An Imagined World by June Goodfield was the first, most amazing incident. I read the jacket blurb which was about a young woman scientist that discovered something new about cells, and the new thing had been there all the time, it wasn't hidden . There was was empty space that should have had some thing in it and until she began to wonder if some thing should be in that empty space, the empty space was normal!
The thing that I was trying to describe was strangely describing itself to me, a fact I could not have believed if I'd read it anywhere.
And much more that than, it was creating an understanding of a new language, one that used what I'd experienced even when it was only a thought that I never told anyone about and didn't even think about myself when it would have seemed I would be curious myself. But that's another fact I had to discover. It really provided all the words to describe its self in a form I know happens already, but which is not easily noticed because it does happen already, and the pattern is very well known in psychiatric texts.
Nothing is as invisible as what is 'ever present'.
The fact that this enormous 'change' involved the physical world and activities of a group of people who were at that point physically doing something that could serve as a model, a living model for the advent of this change is more that enough evidence to me to believe there is intelligence other than my own behind that event. They were part of it and that's when I became really confused about reality.
I was not the only observer. There were several people who seemed for a time to be aware of their role in a kind of 'drama', one I had not said anything about because all of this 'material' was emerging from a part of 'mind/brain' that was not connected to words I could say aloud or words I could write down at that point. There was in addition one other person, a very close bond in marriage in circumstances that were very specific in every detail, who said what was essential for more than three decades between 1953 and 1984 to bring about the situations I lived in in 1984. This kind of bond is mentioned obliquely as participation mystique, and possibly the Stockholm Syndrome is related to it but not enough attention has been devoted to that kind of shared mental content. .
There was one person who
did what was essential to at least seem to knowingly participate in what seemed to be a
'thought' content that I had not spoken aloud about to anyone. That one person
had a distinct effect on me, and there's a fairly simple way to understand what
the 'unconscious mind' really is through this 'effect'. I became aware of a
'bond' in families that almost certainly is very commonly experienced and
it was described in the bible, very accurately. . However
it's
very difficult to write about even now at the beginning of 2006 when we can
easily recognize that 'history' really is 'his' story.
This 'Hill event' simple as it may read was one of a few events happened early in my life that were vivid photographs of an event that 're-played' periodically in my mind so that I would notice them I believe. They were specific in content and each one was linked to an event in the future: 1984.