It all began with a simple every day event that happened when I was about 13 years old.; that would have been in 1945, shortly after the end of WW2.
I used to ride my bicycle to a place just outside of Ladoga,
Indiana to a bridge that was
close to a brick house I liked to look at when I stood by the bridge just
thinking. It was a private place, I went to this
place, usually alone. There
were places nearby that were wonderfully cool on hot days so I went
there often in the summer.
I'd walked across a field close to the bridge to the top
of a high hill in the field, then laid down to enjoy the hot summer sun. After
a while I suppose I went halfway to sleep, but my eyes were open, looking at the
blue sky. I had the feeling suddenly that I was in a high place on this hill,
looking up at the huge blue bowl above me. I had never experienced the sky as a
'bowl' but that is how it seemed to me as I mused about what I was looking at. Many
drowsy thoughts about how far away the sky was, how distant were the stars at night flowed through my mind.
M
Quite suddenly I felt in my body that I was an unimaginably
tiny speck laying on the surface of a huge ball hanging in a
vast space. I felt the space around me. I felt a terrible feeling
of isolation, of being alone in all that space. I felt the
presence of my body on an enormous moving surface that was surrounded
itself by nothing at all that more than dwarfed me. Something exposed my size in so much
space that it HURT in a real physical location: 'in the pit of
my stomach', literally.
Then a thought
occurred into my mind and odd to say the thought was about 'thought':
"Thought is the common denominator of all
human beings. All human beings think."
and then another thought followed:
"We
must be IN something, or ON something. And thought must DO something."
The memory of that day's unusual event vanished from my mind after it happened
888888888888888888 That is the incident that happened when I was 13 years old. What follows is about how it was retrieved in 1984 as the preface to the first big mindquake.888888888888888
I didn't think about it afterwards until the moment it was retrieved after the first
words I heard in 1984 in the first mindquake, which were:
"You
are correct." spoken by a quiet thought voice
that spoke only once as the preface of the event. Those words were followed by
a direct reference to that day and the retrieval of the memory and the thought I'd had. The thought re-occurred
just as it had happened when I was 13 years old.
"You Are correct", was linked directly
to "We
must be IN something, or ON something. And thought must DO something."
The memory, complete in every detail of that day when I was 13 years old, was retrieved and replayed along with masses of other memories from my past, some that happened before I was a teen ager. I had wondered to myself about whether my merely being present someplace, seeing something made anything happen as I walked along a certain street when I visited my Aunt and that specific memory as well as others that were somewhat similar was clearly displayed.
However that was just the first level of meaning. "Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." was also associated with what followed. I experienced some of it as thought words, but there was a body experience unlike anything I've ever experienced that was generated by some of the content. It was not a religious feeling, religiousness was not part of the entire event at first. I was 'infused' that's the only descriptive word I can think describes how I felt, with the content of two poems fully retrieved from my past: Myself, and Invictus in my body.
Computers were not common in 1984 but the only way I can describe what happened in my body is that a kind of installation occurred; the content of the poems was welded into my body. The word 'download' fits now that I know what it means when certain memories about those poems from my past were retrieved. I felt an intense need to be what the content of those poems conveyed, which in the past I'd barely understood. A long sequence of information was released, some part of it was memories from my past but there was a content that I'd not known about or understood. It exposed a double 'fault' line of information about the history of 'woman'; one was of Eve and the other was the stereotypes of woman, the commonly understood female from history. Neither was me but they revealed the 'history' of woman as described by males and to some degree, experienced by males. The content became part of my body. I thought later it was 'history' uploaded into my mind; it was the pre-described past of woman, that in
(More recently I've understood that 'download' as being all of the categorized, already described history, the world where concepts, stereotypes, common 'sense' is the understanding of some levels of mind,in the unconsciousness of real literal men, it's a mindset not in consciousness of most men and women that are influenced by them. The 'bonds' of family life were unsuspected by me in 1984. But by 1984 a deep bond had formed between me and very significant people in my life. Some were not family, just people I saw frequently over a span of time, mostly they were people in two square dance groups we belonged to after 1975. )
But much more information was in that part of the package. I had to discover the entire event after it happened, then later the content of the event although some part of me that 'saw' it clearly, remembered it and began to make the conscious me aware of the message, then later it's content. That's obvious because I wrote the message which was embedded deeply months later but I had no memory of it then. I didn't recognize it after I'd typed it automatically and printed a copy on my new printer. But I had actually lost volition over my body by then, and I'd no idea I was at times, very rarely at first, watching my body, hearing what I said at times which I'd not thought about ever!
I experienced each string of what was displayed, individually but in a bundle overall.
There were many layers of meaning behind the words: 'patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future.' in the 1984 event, probably thousands of memories were retrieved from my past. I saw each individually somehow in a flash of a second.
An enormous package of information clearly drawn from my past, beginning with the first night I was married, followed. That in itself had an immediate effect on me, I felt outraged. Obviously only a small part of the package was visible to me as some kind of thought content. I found that out later, and it was a slow process of discovery between 1984 and 1989. I believe from long experiences, that every word in the package seems to have required meeting it's exact match, not just as words but through events and circumstances that the words described!
That's where a peculiar 'doubleness' that I couldn't identify easily began to happen, this
'doubleness' created eventually (1984-1988 ) a parallel 'understanding' of everything, opposite to my 'normal' understanding! Literally by 1988 I 'saw' within my mind two 'understandings' and by that I mean two different contexts and meanings for every verbalized or visible 'event' arose in my mind, immediately or faster than that. It was a rapid 're-hearing/re-viewing' I realized by 1988. Real literal second sight of everything. A kind of 'echo'.
It 'made all things new', literally. I was confused about which was real, one was a 'world of appearances' context which I recognized was the commonly sensed understanding (so obviously recognizable as the stereotyped mindset of the particular man I married, no slurs intended, I didn't think of it as negative, but I realized we'd had a kind of role reversal, a shared mind as I found out later, when he mentioned it himself one day, in a different context.) , the other was built from my personal experience over a span of years after 1984 - 1989. The 'planet' seemed to have begun to talk to me directly during that span of time, but that took many experiences in which it seemed my own thought was known to not only a few people I knew, but to objects that used words. The meeting of thought with words was nearly an overwhelming experience between 1984 and 1988, but by then several events had happened that were so precisely timed, and of such personal content that I was interested, curious and aware those events were giving me information, and helping me to find words I needed to try to describe what was happening! Precise timing was obvious after 1988. Synchronistic events/The Safety Secret.htm
Part of the package was revealed immediately, but much was hidden. One new-to-me idea was suggested through some words that I'd never read anywhere in 1984. It came through a memory of something my grandmother had done when I was about 9 years old. It was attached to specific words, The importance of an Observer. When I read those exact words sometime in 1986 as best I can date it, in Paul Davies book Other Worlds, that caused me to remember how that incident from my past had been used, it had been stored away without my knowledge then retrieved to 'tell me something about what was happening in my life' as a symbolically stated fact, a detail about my life!!!! I realized that the original context was replaced with a much different context when I understood that form of 'fact'. The words 'the importance of an observer' had actually been part of the 1984 mindquake, buried, embedded, but somehow faintly sensed as words but waiting for a future event to make them real words. My grandmother had tossed a large mass of rose colored crochet twine onto my tummy and told me to find the end of it, and without cutting or breaking it, wind it into a nice round ball so she could make something she liked better out of the twine. She had unraveled a very large ruffled doily and it was a VERY large doily. I did what she'd told me to do but I didn't think of that afterwards throughout my life until I was 'reminded' of it in 1984.
((It seemed to me much later, that the bundle of rose colored twine had been somehow internalized in my middle, I carried it with me after that day my grandmother tossed it onto my tummy. But it was stored away as the 'thread' of an idea and the very head of it was words: the importance of an observer." I had done what she asked me to do then forgot it as I had forgotten the incident on the hill until it was retrieved just at the point when I read the words "The importance of an observer..." in Other Worlds. Then that part of the mindquake became visible. It had obviously been part of a package of information, and I had only some access to the top of it so to speak.
Other Worlds is about quantum physics. An important but illogical clew about what I'm trying to describe is that just prior to reading Other Worlds by Paul Davies, I had only by chance finished a very strange book for me to read: The Presence Of Other Worlds by Wilson Van Dusen. The title of the two books, is literally a description of how 'other worlds' began to 'speak' through the words that occur naturally in every day life! What brought those two books to my attention at just that right moment in time, is the mystery. Wilson van Dusen was a psychologist and in that book I read for the first time quotations from Emanuel Swedenborg's writings, and one of the terms caused me to pause and wonder what it meant: "I feared my double thought would be torn asunder." When I paused to wonder what 'double thought' might be, it was only for a few seconds.
(( Later I realized this was one of the most perfectly timed coincidences of a certain kind that ever happened to me, but a special sense has to make this kind of coincidence distinguishable! It's really happened all my life. The timing of when I read the quotation was the exact point when I was beginning to notice a 'reflection' of certain content. that was re-occurring in my mind, a 're-hearing' literally. It was not easy to make this connection: This kind of coincidence 'describes' something to me, actually provides information that I needed then, but could not recognize because I had not experienced enough to recognize the mechanism that was producing the effect of 'doubleness' in my own thought, I was synchronized perfectly with some thing that I had to discover, slowly and when I was almost overwhelmed with new to me kinds of experiences. The 're-hearing' generated in a flash, no spaces between the words, what I named a 'second underlying context' when I was certain it was happening. That was only one attribute of the 'replay'.
My ordinary life was somehow no longer simple 'out there'. There was an inner content that was meeting it's exact match 'out there' and the inner content had been visible in many events, before it met it's exact match. The most important detail is that the inner content was prior to meeting it's match outside my body for several years before I could speak one word of it! It was a long trek from being 'thought' in my mind, to being words I typed automatically and further yet to being able to speak even one word of that content! I believe some toddlers' I've known have to struggle to bring a word they want to say to speech. Swedenborg is the only author I've read anywhere that makes references to 'thought nearest to speech'; thought that falls into words, and different memories in 'man', one of which is vastly superior to his natural world memory. )
Later, about 5 years after 1984, I wrote to Wilson van Dusen to ask him if 'symbolic correspondences', a term Emanuel Swedenborg had used and which he'd mentioned in the book was another name for 'meaningful coincidences', a term I'd begun to notice, just barely notice then. He replied that my hunch was correct. I had not read that anywhere, the opinion formed from experiences that I described in my own way as hearing 'second under lying contexts' that arise from ordinary every day events.
88888888888888888888888 This is beyond the Hill incident but related to it.
My thought had changed radically by 1984. One change affected how I heard and thought about what was in front of me. This happened occasionally at first, then after 1984 always, there was no break. There have been points of change on that continuum, but it has not vanished. I believe the parable of the sower is a good metaphor for that continuum, I've experienced how an idea can reverse into it's opposite over a span of decades. But what causes the experience has not changed, because I was warned not to believe a change if it caused me to doubt or lose faith.
It's not easy to keep focus on an underlying idea when it seems to change. When objects that use words, radios, televisions, posters on walls, fragments in books and entire books at times began to seem to repeat thought that was in my own mind but which I'd not spoken aloud about to anyone, that was a very great change. It was strange but even more disorienting when the words that people use in ordinary life also seemed to respond to thought that I'd not said anything about to anyone. As though my own thought was being said back to me by someone that could not know what was in my thought!!That kind of apparent 'mind reading' was nothing less than overwhelming for a few years, 1982 -1989 when I had two more mindquakes. After the first one happened I was made aware of what I'd learned in the 5 years since 1984 and I was reminded of one mindquake I'd not paid enough attention to in 1982. It had been the first of it's kind, and the fact that I'd barely noticed it as the first of a kind event, was made very distinct. The pi quake almost caused me to fall into a faint for the first time in my life or become maniacally hysterical when it traced a hidden endeavor embedded in my life. Obviously a well prepared life had experienced 1984, but there were so many other individuals that were involved, it could not be merely an individualized life. Other living individuals many still alive now, knew exactly what to do and when, and many knew where to be and when. Our local square dance clubs were having a real confrontation with a 'higher level of learning' in the early 1980's and afterwards. The mainstreamers were outraged at us and the changes that required both genders to learn each others' movements.
(Gender roles were removed from Advanced and Challenge level square dancing. The interaction of opposites and the moebius mirror concept is the basis of the square dance set. The same concepts govern chess, the I Ching and the ideas of quantum level physics, as well as a mechanism of mind known as 'projection'. It's a very poorly understood mechanism, but it's recognized to create self observation. I remember how odd I felt when I read in Greek literature that if a bull created a god, it would be the image of a bull. Many personal experiences had made this mechanism and its operations very distinct. It's like a switch that can decide whether anything is significant, whether its a 'me/not me' decision. Someone mentioned to me that my mind was playing a trick on me, and the person that said that to me was the only person that could know to say it. The inner content that was being produced by this mechanism, a kind of 'switch' basically that was so new to me was very familiar to that person. He had obviously noticed it, without the kind of curiosity necessary to wonder about it.)
Certain psychiatric terms I'd read on a medical chart about me made me extremely frightened but a determination to prove I wasn't or hadn't gone off the deep end grew, and grew and grew and it's still growing. A kind of curiosity that was new to me also began to accompany my urgent need to prove I was not mentally ill.
In 1989 I experienced two mindquakes a few weeks apart as best I can date them. The first one was clearly connected to my past, in a way I would find difficult to describe. The second stage of the 1984 mindquake was initiated and in that event I was made aware of my name having been 'said' to me in a most peculiar form. I'd had to experience many events after 1984 to realize that. The second one happened after I'd read Petr Beckman's History of pi, and it contained strings of memories from my earliest life, beginning with my first memory, then the results of an impulse that was at work through grade school were exposed.
The hidden thread that had been moving steadily through my life, building the idea, was exposed. The idea was about the 'insane' a secret about the insane. It had been brought to my attention over a span of about 3 decades!!!))
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This is a fairly recent event that happened in the same location when I went back to my 50th alumni meeting. It really was a convincing surprise. The Glimmer of Gold in 2000.
Overall what happened in the 10 days that the Los Angeles Olympic games were being played was the opening of a package of information about my life at that point in Time. Every detail of my life at that point was used as though a careful scenario had been prepared, beginning when we decided to leave the mainstream level of square dancing and learn advanced and challenge levels. That's when other people began very strangely to seem to interact not with what I said aloud, but thoughts that I had never said aloud to anyone! That lasted from 1982 through 1989, and then slowly a subtle change in my thought content was made distinct to me. Thought about the dream had slowly drifted away from the dream, a stream of thought that never ceased moving through my mind now carried other content but I had not noticed that difference. It had been about one thing, a dream that created a never ending stream of thought about the dream, one person in the dream. Now it was different thought that was meeting it's exact match somewhere in the external world, that became obvious very slowly. Content about the dream moved slowly away from where it had begun in a remote but visible location in my mind and new content began slowly to replace thought about the dream. That's when I began to read books about quantum level physics, then mathematical history and then...well it's never changed so radically as it did recently. There have been points of change on a continuous stream of thought that began to move through my mind after the dream, late in 1981. See the link: The Dream.
The foundation for the mindquake had begun to be set in place when I was 13 years old but a few incidents had happened even before then when I was 9 years old.
Strings of memories of events that had actually happened in my marriage were retrieved and displayed in a seamless but separate unit; one remark in particular that was said was the first night were part of the package. My new husband had been angry at me when he asked: "Have you said your prayers?" The entire package that followed the retrieval of that memory and many separate strings of memories of events that had happened in my marriage flashed a movie like story complete with meaning. A part of me that got the meaning immediately was outraged because it seemed I'd been tricked, deliberately manipulated into doing the exact opposite of what I'd wanted to do in our marriage.
It was a seamless bundle that contained movie like displays, strings literally of memories from my past, several layers. Each layer of retrieved individual memories was assembled in a linear like way that told an instant story, but that was just part of it. Much later I realized this level which I thought of as 'history itself, was revealed through the stereotyped image of the female in life as she's been described. There was nothing personal, nothing specific about me as a person on that string. The retrieved memories had a psychological meaning but I had no knowledge about that, even in 1984. The life of 'Eve' and the life of the stereotypes of 'woman's defined life' was revealed, two separate 'strings' exposed a double fault line and then installed in my body: Blame, guilt, and shame, grief.
After that part of the package, many other memories from my past were retrieved, most of them happened before I was 13 years old, a few happened when I was a teen age girl, a few just after I married. Two poems were retrieved and the content of the words was installed in my body. "Invictus" was a poem I'd memorized because I liked it. "Myself" by Edward Guest was a poem I'd read, never memorized and that detail was made very clear. I remembered that I'd only read it. The content of the words became part of my body. I felt an intense desire to do and be what the words conveyed.
Then 5 sentences about my husband occurred, very brief and simple:
XXX knew from the first that you would 'do'. XXX knew from the first that you could do for him what he cannot do for himself.. XXX abstracts from the universe only what is of benefit to himself. XXX encourages only what is useful to himself. I can't remember the last one at this moment.
Then 5 thought remarks that had occurred into my mind at different times were retrieved and replayed but names, mine and my husband's replaced pronouns that had occurred in those remarks which were observations about another person!!!! I had 'thought' those remarks about someone else, someone I knew only casually. He was the square dance caller in the dream and by then 'thought' about that dream had been scrolling relentlessly through my mind, day and night since late in 1981!!! I had an intense interest in him, I had a strongly felt urge to get to know him, but it seemed a solid barrier prevented me, I could not talk to him, literally.
I was aware of 'thought', and everything around me and could not sleep normally after I'd had that dream.
In a real way I was 'watching' what was in my mind, without realizing it, and now I believe this was a well planned aspect of preparation for what was going to happen in 1984. The thought remarks were simple, they were observations triggered by a situation this person had said something about: he didn't have a good voice, so he wouldn't do the traditional singing calls at our dances, he felt it was an imposition on his dancers. I had listened to him for long enough to know he was somewhat correct but the thought remark emerged one night: "He has a good voice." "He could have a good voice." The other remarks were also about his voice, "He should work on his voice." etc. He could learn to be a good singer."
It was several years later that I realized I had begun to do myself, what those remarks, my observations about him said he ought to do!! I also found out later I was not the only person who had such thoughts, and who also began to do themselves, what they had observed he should do!!! That this kind of thinking has a name in psychiatric texts, projection, I didn't suspect. I 'projected' something that I saw, about him, and then began to do myself what I'd thought he ought to do. That incident and others that are more personal experiences that would be difficult to describe briefly caused me to begin to wonder about an important detail about 'third person observations', they are 'judgments'. I felt a relationship to the bible: "Judge not lest ye be judged." See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil was joined by 'think no evil' in my mind. That idea emerged as a somewhat significant idea, but its a very complicated and complex idea concerning which 'thought' has authority and creates an effect. William Blake's Tree of Life Allegory had come into my life, and he wrote about the loss of the power of creative speech that man had once possessed. It would be dangerous if such a power existed when man did not know what he was doing!!! I had lived with and noticed very slowly in my real life, a person whose most intense activity in life was telling other people to do something that it became obvious to me, he ought to do himself. It was his 'ruling love', a 'main feature', at the root of all activities in his life to tell me in particular that I ought to let him live his own life without finding so many faults in him. I had never really thought he, or anyone else had faults, I didn't think that way. It became obvious that what he heard me say, was not what I'd said but that happened v...e...r....y....slowly, and I had to discover an unexpected connection between thought in my mind that met it's exact match in some book or object that used words in the exterior world!!
This may also be true of God, I'm not maligning anyone. And I'm not inflating my own self...if I have one of my own.
This is very difficult to describe, how I was made aware of what I observed and the effects of that particular thought.
By 1984 I had already been feeling an almost unbearable grief for about 2 years., so the grief I felt then had begun in a quite different situation, it began one night when I watched the man in The Dream. After 1984 the grief was so painful but it was no longer about the man in the dream.
I was given the life of Eve on one 'track' and the life of the stereotyped female on another track. That's why the word 'mindquake' came to me over the next five years, while I began to notice what my mind was doing in a very different way than it had operated in the past. The memories that were retrieved were aligned within those two 'paradigms' and I knew nothing about paradigms then. By 1989 I had begun to 'unpack' the hidden part of the huge mass of material, the visible part was just an introduction, a preparation, an outline. My mind had been changed by 1984 and the changes had focused me onto what was going on in my thought, especially on one track, occupied by a constant stream of thought about a dream I'd had late in 1981.
This is enough information to return to the site, but it might be a good idea to read about an event that happened in 2000 if you haven't read it.. The Hidden Glimmer. What follows isn't necessary to understand that event. .
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Specifically there was nothing in the first level of meaning in 1984 that had happened before my marriage attached to those words: "You are correct." Then the words "Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." occurred, and they were attached to other memories from my past, moments when I was alone when I was very young primarily although it took a couple of decades for me to identify that specific attribute. I understood only one part of it immediately, that I'd been tricked.
An enormous package followed, so much that I cannot hope to describe how it was a unit; with no space between words although every word was distinct. After the display of that singular event, other associations were formed as other batches of memories were retrieved, all in a flash of Time. The upper layers were retrievals of memories from my marriage, and a psychological meaning was part of those strings. Thought occurred that were statements about my husband: The trivial seeming sentences about my husband occurred as 'thought': which I don't believe I created, they were the same thought voice that had repeated the first words. He is a simple person, but somehow extremely able to maintain apparent simplicity that obscures a very complicated hidden part of him which I did not suspect in 1984, when this happened:
'XXX knew from the first that you would do."
"XXX knew that you would be able to do for him what he could not do for himself."
" XXX abstracts from the universe only what is of use to himself."
"XXX encourages only what is of benefit to himself.";
Then five sentences occurred in my mind that I'd thought myself, at different times in the fairly recent past! They were 'thought' that had occurred to me at different times when I had watched the square dance caller who was in The Dream, and they occurred apparently when I 'mused' inwardsly about what I observed. They were observations that occurred spontaneously, they were about his relationship with his wife and they were nothing harmful or denigrating, nothing profound. I had noticed (as did many others in our groups) that they seemed extraordinary in how close they were. She had told me she wanted their relationship to be like her parents, and as she told me, they had 'lived as though they were one person'.
The sentences were: "He does what she wants him to do."
He said the words but they are hers."
He has lost the ability to live his life in his own best interests."
"He must be able to live his in his own best interests."
"He is a prisoner in his own body."
All five sentences were retrieved simultaneously but the pronouns were removed, the genders were reversed and names of myself and my husband were inserted where pronouns had occurred!
Every 'bit' in the mindquake as I named it a few years later, was connected, nothing was separate yet somehow also was experienced in separate 'strings' of memories from my past, each assembled distinctly into a kind of movie like presentation. This is important to grasp, memories were assembled from my past in a linear way, yet the 'package' itself was all of them distinctly relating to that day on the hill. The 'interconnectedness of all things', certainly applied in that package. I could not separate one idea, one fact, one definition for years after 1984, it's still difficult to do. After the mindquake every thing was a related to every other thing. That became obvious when I took a Toastmaster class in about 1987 and could not talk for a few minutes on any topic. All topics were intertwined. I remembered when it had been possible to look for a definition in the dictionary and find one. But all definitions had to be used in this new state.
When the bundle of memories was retrieved they were given meaning by how they were arranged so that a 'story line' was revealed, the way a movie does at it's conclusion. The visible 'thought' content which was not all words was only a small portion of this first part.
Then memories of two poems I'd read, Invictus and Myself were retrieved and I felt the content of the words infused into my body the way tea infuses a liquid with it's flavor. I felt the need to be what those poems contained as ideas, not simply words. I remembered that I'd memorized Invictus but only read Myself.
There was much more, I would have to write a very long time to outline it but later I realized this part came from the 'collective', it was positive information, there wasn't anything negative. It was basically 'history', recorded by only one gender.
I was made aware in a flash of time of my life, not as I understood it but as I later became aware was a paradigm that began with Eve and the stereotyped viewpoint about women and the world of Aristotelian 'common sense logic'. I felt the burden of being Eve in my body more strongly. I had already begun to feel a sense of grief that was almost unbearable but I didn't know why I felt it. I remember the exact moment it began. It happened one night when I waited for a square dance to begin. The stream of thought about the caller in the dream had moved relentlessly through my mind for almost 2 years by then. When I looked at him one evening I was overcome almost literally with a grief I couldn't explain for years. "Oh, NO!! Oh GOD NO, NOT HIM, oh no, not HIM." I began to weep so many tears at times that my body was drenched, but I was also curious about how my body could produce so many tears. After 1984 this grief was slowly transferred to another person, it seems to me now that the man that triggered the dream and the grief was a model, a perfect model in many ways for the conditions in my real life. I could not have suspected two different couples could be living a basically identical life at that point.
At just that point, a wretched situation existed in both our lives. It was quite different, but as a 'model' all aspects of the wretched, painful situations in our lives, the fact that we were struggling to 'leave the mainstream level of square dancing' and move into the realm of difficult challenge levels, was literally perfect. In every aspect, the lives of many people began to seem aligned perfectly with thought, my own private thought, occasionally in the two years prior to 1984.
Embedded in the package was a message, which I didn't hear as thought, nor did I observe it or know it existed in my mind until the day I typed it out. That happened almost a year later! I didn't know about it until I typed it out one day, a year later, and I didn't recognize it even then! I'm sure I'm not the only individual that remembers that in the 1980's it was not common to form Statement of Purpose, Guidelines, Goals by almost every business, but it is now. The Message itself was in a place in my mind that was in a real distant galaxy in my own mind. I had to travel almost a year, in physical time, through events that led me to say one day: "It was a message. I got a message." I had just finished reading Contact by Carl Sagan, which is about a message, palimpsests and a trip that was taken or apparently taken in a machine that did not seem to have left the physical territory. I was walking to my car when I heard myself say or think, I don't remember for certain: "It was a message. I got a message." It was a palimpsest, it came in levels and each level had to be experienced in every day life to be recognized.
The message itself with it's 10 items, was embedded, hidden and that was also true of the Guidelines, The Statement of Purpose and the Goals. These parts of the mindquake were deeply embedded in the package. They were each separate documents that I typed later, each one at different times.
The message and the way the content of the event was decoded during the next 5 years was distinctly connected to a book Carl Sagan wrote, Contact. I read that book almost a year after 1984. I just happened to notice it one day when I was shopping at Southcenter Mall. After reading the book I had a thought occur to myself, "It was a message. I got a message." How simplistically that reads does not begin to convey the difficulty I had in learning to relate to that kind of thought, emerging spontaneously into my mind, without any conscious will or purpose of my own involved. I watched my body from a remote mental state, and this was also very new, I had begun to feel nearly inert at times. and was almost unable to do many things in my every day life that I'd done easily in the past..
The message was just part of the mindquake but it was the most important part I believe. It was connected to and aimed towards a point in Time, 1984 then ahead to yet another point, 2001 a few years later. Precise timing that was so astonishing could not be imagined! Statements of purpose, mission statements, guidelines and goals statements are very common in the United States now.
A second mindquake, as I'd thought of it by 1989, happened in the fall of 1989, and it was followed shortly by a third one. That last one revealed in a way I can never doubt that from the beginning of my life, a hidden activity had been concealed, but carried steadily forwards in simple incidents triggered by an impulse, and I had learned something and done something from the impulse itself, without any person involved.
That hidden vein of activity was exposed suddenly, in a way that may seem laughable, but I almost fainted when it happened. The shock of what happened when I glanced at the back of a book, The History of Pi, by Petr Beckmann almost made me swoon. A long string of events had happened within the few months preceding my reading that book, a period of preparation for what happened in my 'pi quake' was clearly evident to me when that event happened. They were trivial seeming events but they had focused my attention on of all things, two numbers: 265/256 and 156/651!!! There had already been many 'events' happen that had connected to these numbers: 156/651 but there was no reason I could see for noticing them so often. I wondered why I noticed them.
There was a long 'string' attached to 156/651. I had owned an automobile, licensed as ETW 651 for about 6 years before the number part of the license tab 'registered. When I first glanced at the license tab, the letters ETW had spontaneously translated into: Extra Terrestrial Woman 651 in my mind. /six years later I suddenly saw the numbers as an arrangement of the date I was born: 1-2-32 But I gave no thought to that kind of spontaneous generation at the time in that and many other incidents that had happened. On 2-11-85 I drove ETW 651 through the security gates at Boeing. That's when I saw the pi model for the first time.
That day , 2-11-85 I became an employee but almost refused when I was told I'd have to join a union, IAM 751.
The pi model affected me somewhat because when I saw it, I suddenly understood a man I'd know who used Pride In Excellence as the logo for a challenge level square dance club he had attempted to form. He had worked for Boeing. That's the day I met the source of his choice of the logo, Pride In Excellence, or 'PIE'. Other than being an interesting use of two different words, it meant nothing to me.
I named that second one in 1989 my 'pi' quake. What had been hidden in my past was connected so quickly, in a flash of time. What I saw on that page in The History of Pi suddenly exposed events that were embedded in every day life that had been somehow 'installed' for use later in my life. An impulse that caused me to do something so that I learned from the impulse directly, had been at work, laying down a foundation for the 1984 event and what was to happen afterwards on this planet. I watched the changes and listened to my mind's content without knowing my inner content had become primary, and what was outside of my body was secondary. This was very difficult to become aware of..
I believe at this point in Time, almost 23 years after 1984, that reading words or encountering them somewhere in the physical world worked to 'release' bits of information in that packet of information about my specific life. When I read Contact by Carl Sagan it was just a book, but I'd watched my hand reach for it, saw my hand write the check for it, and I never bought new fictional books normally. I would not have noticed the book probably except that an entire rack of the book was standing in my path as I passed through the Southcenter Mall.
After reading Contact, a few weeks later probably I heard myself murmur aloud or think: "It was a message. I got a message." as I left work one day. I'd typed the message probably a few months in the past, printed a copy of it, without being curious about why my hand had typed something I'd not thought about, and then I printed a copy that I barely glanced at! As for being convinced that reading words somewhere, or hearing them somewhere 'released' certain content that had been in the first mindquake, I will have to write about that at length. I began to write, thinking I should write about what was happening, and I was reading one book after another, books that I would not ordinarily read. I began to notice that the next book seemed to be the one I was trying to write, and I'm not a very good author! A peculiar sense of familiarity emerged when I read books, and at times I recognized in a book words that had already occurred into my thought, which seemed almost impossible because the words were so specific and definite. An Imagined World by June Goodfield was one of the first incidents when I read the blurb on the jacket and recognized words in my thought. They were about a young woman that had discovered something that was 'invisible' because it was ever-present.
I suggest a careful reading of Life After Death by Norman O. Brown concerning 'neurosis and psychosis'. Both conditions point towards a mental 'dis-ease'. The very basis of psychiatry is 'decoding events' as though they are 'artistically portrayed information' a fact that I did not read anywhere in any book. I had to recognize what caused the 'second underlying contexts': a rapid, extremely rapid replay of content, a kind of 'echo' but a new context was generated automatically, and the content seemed turned around towards me creating 'self reference'. That is a phase when it's possible to detect the mirroring mechanism, in my opinion. The physical world and what was going on in my head merged, fitting like cogs designed perfectly. I, the person that's writing was the witness to the interface, the confusing sense of being an observer as well as an actor in a drama. It created a new way to look at an listen to the world. I believe it's a the body itself that is interfacting, I as an observer had to do many things that I would ordinarily not have done, and see myself from a detached, once removed position that included 'me' in what I saw. It creates a 'critic', not in the negative way.
Norman O. Brown read Gulliver's Travels with the kind of 'sense' Sigmund Freud experienced when he read the Oedipus trilogy and came up with his idea of the Oedipus complex. This 'sense' creates information somewhat similar to how a parable creates meaning, it seems to me.
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BACKGROUND
When the memory of what had happened on the hill was retrieved as the beginning of the event that happened in the 10 days between July 31 and August 11, 1984, my mind and 'thought', my body and my life circumstances were different than 'normal' for me. I believed the changes were due to a complete hysterectomy late in 1979 and a subsequent diagnosis of 'severe post menopausal syndrome' by the surgeon. Then a little more than a year later I drove off the end of a Dead End Street, smashing my head up against the interior of the car and the windshield. That totaled my car on Wednesday and our 16 years old daughter had totaled her first car on Sunday of the same week. The loss of two cars in such a short time brought about an incident with my husband that was unusual for him, I need to make that distinct, but I was slapped very hard on the face several times and that also caused me to believe I had brain damage later, when everything, every detail in my life, began to seem different from 'normal'. My hearing was changed, my sight was different, my mind had 'new kinds of thought' streaming through it. I was curious about that also. This 'change' was evident to me at least 4 years before I read anything about right-left brain functioning, in a book, Superlearning, by Ostrander and Ostrander, then later in a science magazine that was published in 1981. The effect of the overall change was that nothing was as it had been, yet I could not see anything different.
It became evident later the change was internal, but it altered every detail outside of my body.
The very first 'thought words' were spoken by a presence that was new, I heard it for the first and only time: "You are correct. Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." but an enormous package of events that had happened in my real life, in my home beginning with the first night of my marriage followed those words. They illustrated what the words meant on several levels. They were somehow 'spoken' as thought, in a way I've never experienced prior to this event, and never again after the first 'mindquake'. I've tried to find a way to explain it and could only relate it to the sound of an advancing thunder storm like we used to have in Indiana. It was distant for a time, then directly overhead, then it rolled away vanishing forever, leaving behind this package of information that had to be 'unpacked', bit of information by bit of information afterwards. It was decoded in the strangest form, it really described its self to me.
I remember realizing immediately that I had forgotten that event that had happened when I was 13 and had never thought about it afterwards.
Huge masses of memories from my past followed those words, but there were two 'threads' of memories in the opening packet because my life as it was in 1984 was laid open from two completely separate 'veins', neither of which had anything to do with my own real life.
Both 'veins' were unexpected, unsuspected by me, but one of them made sense immediately because it was made up from strings of memories that began with something that happened the first night I was married. It was followed by other events that I remembered but had not known had a hidden (psychologically meaningful interpretation) meaning and context. I knew nothing then about psychiatric interpretations so I knew nothing about 'psychologically significant' events. One such event will perhaps convey something of what I mean: My first Christmas gift from my new husband had puzzled me, not angered me, but puzzled me. They were a pair of brown sheepskin lined house slippers, still in the store bag, and I knew he'd just gone shopping that day. I remember looking at them and asking him in my puzzlement why he had not gotten pink or blue for me. He took the shoes from me, put them in the box then into the sack and handed it back to me brusquely saying: "Take them back and get what you want." At the time this memory was 'retrieved' and replayed complete, intact in all aspects, an interpretation of the event occurred: "I had been given a symbolic statement, which of course I didn't know anything about, that I was supposed to wear 'male shoes' but not talk about it., not say anything about the 'gender reversal'. My husband could not be understood from this event however, at that point in time, and I do not intend to malign him in any way. In choosing the slippers he was unconscious, and in receiving them, so was I.
The interpretation of a 'Freudian' psychologically sensed event would not have been possible in one event. Many, many things that had happened after that one were also retrieved, arranged on a string and I 'got the message' but did not do the interpreting myself. I received 'understanding' from this 'other' that was obviously able to access every memory and had obviously been present when every day events happened. At this point an explanation for the 'bond' and it's depth can be found in the internalized idea that woman was 'born of man's rib', literally she is a part of the male, a mirror that he does not suspect exists, but it was a story told when the Romans added Echo to the myth of Narcissus who could not distinguish his own 'reflection' from it's background outside his body.
This is not the place to digress so much as would be necessary to explain one 'vein' of experience that opened up a hidden view of my life. It was a viewpoint that forced me to eventually understand that our past was installed somewhere as though on a computer, and selected events could be accessed, strung together and displayed in a movie like flash of Time.
This was to prove to me beyond any possibility of my doubting it, that I did not create this experience myself, I received it from a distinct 'other', through real people who at that point seemed as deeply engaged in the f low of circumstances in my mind as though they knew of it. They TOLD ME, using words that they would ordinarily have spoken in every day life but there was a confusing relationship to 'thought' that I'd not said anything about to anyone, ever.
The other 'vein' linked directly to the burden of actually being 'Eve', whose transgressions I had heard frequently throughout my life had caused Adam's fall. Within the last 3 months I overheard a man saying to someone else I work with as I passed nearby: "Adam can never be wrong. He can be misinterpreted, misunderstood. mislead but he can never be wrong." I had already begun to feel a terrible unexplainable grief, but that grief was now linked to being Eve, actually in my body. It was a kind of 'double fault line' that was exposed to me, and that's why by 1989 I had begun to consider the 1984 event to be a 'mind quake'.
At that moment when I was 13 years old, my presence on the surface of the Earth was exposed to me. I was 'identified', literally.
In 1982 I had a dream that initiated what I described as 'non-stop thinking'. The Dream After the dream I did not sleep normally, drifting off into oblivion and waking up rested, for more than a decade and a half. I was conscious of sounds around me all night long, and during the day I was struggling to maintain household duties that suddenly were impossible or very difficult to do. Something had changed but I didn't know how drastically my normal habits were affected until 3 years later when a neurological test was done. One of the results of it showed that my handedness had changed, my left hand had become the predominating hand. That explained why I could not type one line correctly on my manual typewriter, or balance a months checks using my 10-key adding machine. The terrible frustration of trying to do what had always been easy to do, without knowing why it was suddenly impossible cannot be described. The explanation of 'changed handedness' did not explain everything however.
This test was done at my request, 3 years to the day after the automobile accident, only because a woman that partnered me in a square-dance class remarked to me several times during the lesson that I had turned a left handed turn rather than right. That began to penetrate slowly, so I realized that might explain why I was getting lost so often or having problem getting to familiar places. The woman's husband was the square-dance caller so he couldn't dance with her. He was the real live caller in my dream. The sole content of the stream of non-stop thinking was about him, nothing but him and I was more than curious about how my own mind could or would produce so much thought about a short extremely vivid dream. It was not a sexual dream, I cannot even now explain what the content was, but it was restricted to him always.
(At the advanced and challenge levels of square-dancing gender positions do not exist so quite often two people of the same sex are paired.)
An example of the first of a certain kind of 'coincidence' happened when the movie, Sleepless In Seattle came out. I thought it was about me because I had been literally sleepless for years and I lived in Seattle. . Two decades later I was able to realize that this kind of 'coincidence' had happened in my past, many times. It had happened when I was in my 20's and had just met the man I was later to marry. I saw the movie, The Collector then read the book. It was fascinating to me, beyond normal. The book was written by John Fowles and its about two mindsets. A young man kidnapped a young girl thinking she would grow to love him once she got to know him. The story is told from his viewpoint and hers. The two mindsets simply do not understand each other. There is no way I can describe the difference between the 'literal, concrete, detached unemotional mindset' of that kidnapper and the 'arty' mindset of the pretty young girl. Neither kind of mindset meant anything to me, it was a fictional book!
This was actually the same kind of 'coincidence' as Sleepless In Seattle, but I could not have recognized that in the mid 50's! It's not easy to recognize that some content in this kind of 'coincidence' described, repeated, echoed, re-iterated, or simply 'reflected' a detail about my life to me, in a conversational mode. I would not have made that connection if the 1989 mind-quake had not brought to my attention several facts I had not noticed only one of which was. that my name had been 'said' to me in a particular way. By then I had learned to understand a certain symbolic relationship between apparently randomly occurring thought words, memories from my past and what was in front of me at the moment and at times, what I was physically doing. What was happening at the moment was being 'said' to me by those retrievals. I can give quite a number of examples now but when this was happening, there was a constant state of confusion about why I felt so dizzy.
However difficult to understand it might be, I remember clearly that I lived a 'thought' less life literally until I was approaching my 50th year, in 1982. A 'thought' filled mind had already begun, but gradually, I was noticing inner content in a way I had not done in the past, a few years prior to 1984. I had begun to experience non-stop thinking, an ongoing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year stream of content scrolled through my mind by 1982. Then a different kind of thought began, which caused me to be curious about it, because it was archaic, 'thou art, thou ought, thee should, etc.." and unfamiliar to me.
But I did not connect that 'streaming thought' which was about a dream I'd had in about 1981, to the 1984 event until a link was made in the second stage event, in 1989. I had not noticed that the content of the 'non-stop thinking' had veered away from being about the dream, and the man in it, quite gradually to a quite different kind of content. The fact that this 'stream of thought' had no content but about a dream and one man, until after I began to read books about quantum level physics was pointed out to me, in the 1989 which was only a second stage event, building on the first one. I had not noticed this gradual change, and had certainly not understood that the dream itself had described exactly what was happening when it happened.
This 'hill top' event was installed early in my life for use at a specific point in Time, when a change was going to happen in Time and an observer was, I believe, required to see it begin, then to experience it personally and in a real sense, record what happened. When I realized finally that an enormous package of information came along with those words, almost 5 years had passed and I had experienced an almost unbelievable convergence of events in the physical world that aligned perfectly with 'thought content' in my mind. When I was forced by real world circumstances to try to prove that I was not 'crazy' and that I did not imagine things, I began to read books that were not typical for me to choose, the I realized the content of those books was finding a match in my thought. The thing that I was trying to describe was strangely describing itself to m e. And much more that than, it was creating an understanding of a new language. It really provided all the words to describe its self in a form I know happens already, but which is not easily noticed because it does happen already, and the pattern is very well known in psychiatric texts.
Nothing is as invisible as what is 'ever present'. Nothing is more nearly impossible to put into a completely different context than what is familiar, than what is already there.
The fact that this enormous 'change' involved the physical world , and emerged through the activities of a group of people who were at that point physically doing something that could serve as a model, a living model for the advent of this change is more that enough evidence to me to believe there is intelligence other than my own behind that event.
I was not the only observer. There were several people who seemed for a time to be aware of their role in a kind of 'drama', where the audience was me, who was also an actor. A drama I had not said anything about because all of this 'material' was emerging from a part of 'mind/brain' that was not connected to articulatable words or words I could write down at that point. But that content was visible.
There was in addition one other person who had said in offhand remarks that should have seemed incongruous, out of context even absurd some things that were essential for recognizing that the unconscious mind speaks from the same mouth the conscious mind speaks from. For more than three decades between 1953 and 1984 one person that I lived with made remarks that made no sense at all when they were said, but I didn't know enough to realize that. And they were critical, very essential because they marked the speech from the unconscious mind, when I realized the person who made those remarks didn't remember them and actually 'forgot' much more than those remarks. . They were critical situations necessary to bring about the situations I lived in by 1984. The obvious sense that a long period of preparation in my very real world life by a real live person that seemed to know what the future was going to contain emerged immediately in the firs 1984 event.
By 1989 I had become aware, just barely begun to understand that what a person says and does is not always in their conscious memory. It is difficult to describe how a person can say and do things that they don't know they do. But that's inferred in the Bible! And it's the basis of psychiatric ideas!
It is almost impossible to describe what it is like to learn, slowly over a period of decades, that a person can tell another person to do something, which the other person does do and then the first person has no memory of having said what was said only half a minute later! It's difficult to write about personal relationships, naming names without seeming to be malicious but that's the only way some events I've experienced, and tried to validate with the person that was actively it seemed to me, involved, can be written down. In the 'unconscious' life we live, specificity is required, and not generality, or conceptual knowledge.
There was one male person in my real world life who over three decades, (1955-1985) did what was essential to at least seem to knowingly participate in what seemed to be a 'thought' content that I had not spoken aloud about to anyone after 1984. Those three decades were filled with typical marital situations but there were certain remarks made as 'offhand remarks' usually, and certain very specific habits that were consistent and very noticeable that set a foundation for what happened in 1984 and afterwards. There were other important individuals that became involved after 1975, in the 9 years prior to 1984.
That one person had a distinct effect on me which I had to discover was a sort of 'blocking' of my own particular 'self' in our relationship. There's a fairly simple way to understand what the 'unconscious mind' really is through this 'effect', it's like being invisible, like being the pond into which Narcissus looked and saw his reflection. And talked to it, without recognizing it was his own reflection. Literally. A mechanism of mind creates that kind of 'self observation', in one phase, where 'insight' is possible but that phase changes, moving outwards from what's in the mind into 'outsight'.
I became aware of a
'bond' in families that almost certainly is very commonly experienced. However
it's
very difficult to write about even now at the beginning of 2006 when we can
easily recognize that 'history' really is 'his' story.
This 'Hill event', simple as it may read was one of a few events that happened early in my life that were complete vivid photographs of an event . Other events happened that 're-played' periodically in my mind so that I would notice them I believe. They were specific in content and each one was linked to an event in the future: 1984.