In 1982: The dancers were squared up, the caller was introducing a movement I knew very well, my mind wasn't on listening to the caller. I was "angel" to the new dancers, a helper. While I waited for the lesson to begin, my mind produced a kind of 'event' that I had never at that point experienced even once in my life. It happened that night, I remembered it but didn't relate to it until about 6 years later when it was retrieved and used to explain one attribute of the process that has individualized my life.
A woman across the room glanced briefly at me, not smiling or making any friendly eye contact. I watched her shifting gaze which was accompanied by slight movements of her head and neck. The image of hens that we'd owned came into my mind, vivid memories of their behavior over a period of years. I'd watched the apparently senseless, merciless hens, noticing how they seemed to attack one other hen whose back was bare because the rooster mounted her so often. Could they be envious? There was a 'pecking order? Obviously there were 'preferred hens' because that one certainly was an outcast to the other hens. They chased her, pecked at her, the rooster seemed to hunt her down several times a day and slowly she wasted away. In that moment a 'batch' of memories of incidents that I 'd observed filled a tiny fraction of a second of time. I did not realize the string of memories was somehow linked to the movements of the woman until after quite a number of event filled years had passed. We were not people she and her husband sought out whenever it was possible to choose who to square up with. What I was looking at and what occurred in my mind were not connected in any way,
Another thought occurred into my mind: "I am in a room full of teen-agers." Almost everyone in the room was middle aged or further, there were no real teenagers. The thought occurred to me: "This is impossible. I don't believe anyone but me would ever understand this." followed by "How on Earth will I ever explain this?" "And who on Earth will ever believe me?" I noticed the same letters spelled the words "how' and 'who'.
My question to myself was followed by an enormous bundle of information, compacted so that somehow the sense of the words I would have to use to convey that information can be simply phrased in these words, backed up with some understanding of what they meant: I would have to pay money to attorneys, doctors, psychiatrists and they would listen to me. (I knew almost nothing about psychiatrists or psychiatric ideas..)
Then a vivid retrieval of a memory of myself occurred; I was 13 years old. In the memory, I was standing alone, feeling extremely lonely and angry when a girl in my new class came over to talk to me, asking questions about how I came to be in a new school and in general making me feel less lonely. My family had moved from the town where I'd gone to grade school. I was sick with disappointment and angry because I'd anticipated going 'upstairs' in the building where I'd gone through grade school. A long stairwell led up to the Junior and Senior High School class rooms, and as a 'lower grade student' we couldn't go upstairs. My grandmother cleaned the school, so occasionally I stayed after school just so I could go upstairs with her. I had anticipated walking up those stairs but we had a fire that destroyed our house and we moved to Ladoga, 4 miles away..
The memory was retrieved, so completely and vividly that I relived the event. I felt again how I'd felt that day, alone, sick with disappointment and angry. The comfort I'd felt when a new classmate came over to talk to me was again experienced. I had forgotten the memory of that event when Maybeth came over to me on the first day in a new school until the memory was retrieved, but I felt the content of that moment in my body just exactly as I had that day.
When this retrieval from my past happened in 1982, I was actually feeling very lonely, a long period of increasing isolation was just beginning. I had begun to notice many changes in my mind, in my body, in some of my habits. In 1982 I believed this was caused by a complete hysterectomy late in 1979, which I'd been told had brought about 'severe menopausal syndrome' and then in 1981 in the spring I'd had a very bad blow on my head in an automobile accident. I believed the changes were due to brain injury because I also noticed that one of the changes was a loss of volition, a loss of control over my body. I felt loss of volition and saw evidence that made me think my brain was trying to repair and restore itself. I was trying to learn country clogging and could not remember a simple routine and do it three times, even after working on it for months. I could not balance a months checks even after days of agonizingly frustrating attempts to do it. My body felt different, and let me repeat I believed the reasons for the changes were the 'severe menopausal syndrome' and a terrible blow on my head a year later.
This event happened and although I remembered it afterwards, I felt no curiosity about it although it was a new kind of event. The next one happened in 1984 in the 10 days that the Los Angeles Olympics were being played, then another one in 1989, then another swarm of information a few months later when I was reading Petr Beckmanns' History of Pi. By then I had a quite different relationship to what was going on in my mind and in my physical life. By 1989 I could relate immediately to 'thought' and imagery produced so strangely, not by me, but 'given to me', presented to me which had not been possible in 1982 or in 1984. The first 1989 event linked back to this 1982 event, in an almost unbelievable display of retrieved memories and other 'thought content' that was distinctly not from my own past. I was reminded of the 1982 event and many details I'd noticed but not understood, which I could not have understood then. Between 1984 and 1989 my mind was a very busy location and I was watching, listening, and noticing (not very consciously) a 'band of non-stop thought' that had begun late in 1981 after a short extremely vivid dream. The 'band of thought' had aroused my curiosity, and it had changed my life radically because it moved through my mind without stopping after it was 'switched on'. That's how I think of it now, it was switched on. The content of that band of thought was always about the dream, and one man that was in the dream although quite slowly the content changed and gradually a different content emerged, no longer about the dream and the one man in the dream. I had wondered how my mind could produce so much thought about a dream for so long, but when new content began to filter into that 'band of non-stop thinking', I didn't notice it myself, that was pointed out to me in the first 1989 'mindquake'. The second 1989 mindquake was even more startling.
What does this 'first mindquake' mean to me now, 24 years later?
It described to me what was happening at the moment: I was 'entering a new school'. The event in my past was basically similar to what was happening 'now'.
A 'new kind' of friend had come to make me feel less alone, less lonely. It was an inner 'guide' or 'companion' that I had to discover in a most unique way, I've never read or heard of anything like it although it was somewhat akin to how Robert Monroe experienced the 'presence' that he became aware of in his second book, Far Journeys which I'd read. I had also read Jonathan Livingston Seagull, which I'd not read when it was so popular. Jonathan had become aware of a helper when he was motivated to leave his familiar world. That night in the 'vision' I was told that I would have to pay anyone that would listen to me. It was a literal description of my future because I was going to pay lots of money to attorneys and there were several psychiatrists that I believed knew more than I found out by harsh experience that they did not know.
At this point in Time I'd had three very unusual events happen. They had happened as though timed to happen in a way that I could not have arranged or predicted and could not fail to notice. I had no curiosity about them at that point but I remembered those events when a flow of similar events followed.
The first was the incident when I heard myself blurt out that I was going to change my name because I didn't feel like I was 'Betty' any more. The name I heard myself blurt out was Ju-Anna, a name I'd not thought about even once. The words came out of my mouth, I heard myself say them realizing I'd not thought about changing my name. After I said "I am Ju-Anna." a white van with a vanity plate, the first one I'd ever seen pulled up in front of my van veering over to the next lane. It's license tab was DJWANNA. The letters obviously meant Do You Want To? but they also 'repeated/echoed' exactly what I'd just said!
I was so surprised that the last word I'd said had been repeated in a vanity license plate that suddenly appeared in front of me. The precise timing impressed me vividly, for a few seconds. How on Earth could a van with such a unique set of letters just happen to cross my path, literally, immediately after some spontaneously generated words that 'sounded like' the letters on the plate had came out of my mouth? Then I forgot the event.
The other event was the one when I thought about a woman I knew, whose husband seemed utterly remote, unapproachable. For some reason that I could not understand, I felt a growing need to get to know him, to talk to him. He was the live square dance caller in The Dream and I felt it impossible to talk to him about anything. In ordinary conversation that related to the problems I had in learning the movements in his class, his manner made me feel warded off, prevented, stifled and I could only say banalities that were embarrassing. I was thinking about how difficult it was to talk to him, thinking of how he seemed unapproachable, "as though he had a fence around him, a six foot high fence". That night we went to their house for a lesson. There was a chain link fence 6 feet high around their front yard, the only fence in the area. It did not occur to me until later that his wife was about 6 feet tall, and the man was a few inches shorter. This couple had begun to fascinate me, for reasons I could not have ever guessed. By 1989 I realized my mind/brain had selected a couple who were at the time, living an identical life to the one I was living in my own home.
They were a mirror held in the strong attractor that patiently and carefully assembled evidence that would prove its presence in my mind and body I named it the Larger Domain.
The words the man said to his class, in offhand remarks that I began to hear in a different way, began to answer questions I'd never said aloud to anyone. I had never experienced what I felt when I began to hear his offhand remarks, which were not at all different, they were things he'd said normally in classes and dances. I felt as though I was dizzy, literally unable to keep my balance.
I wondered to myself how he could seem to know what my thoughts were, how he could make casual offhand remarks that answered my 'wonderings' about some unusual situations between him and his wife and their relationship to the club we, my husband and I belonged to.
The location where the 'wondering' was taking place was far from a place where articulation could happen. And when it became obvious this couple believed that I had a 'crush' on him, I knew I could never say that what I really felt was an almost unbearable sense of pity and grief for him. Why? I had no idea why a person I barely knew could cause me to feel a grief so painful for so long and a sense of anguishing pity that I could not explain to myself. My body produced so many tears for years that I wondered how my body could produce them until I read something that somehow made sense: 'archetypal weeping'.
After 1989 I knew the real source of the flow of events was not a physical or material object on this planet. It was an intelligence that looked through my eyes and had stored certain memories away in a deep layer of my mind to be used when the moment and circumstances were perfect and exact to create its conversations and teach its language. If I had not read Carl Sagans' book, Contact and been hired on 2-11-85 to work at Boeing, I would not be writing this post today.
I had the last mindquake when I became entranced with the Twilight books, three years after they were a worldwide phenomenon. I had not noticed anything about the books or the movie. I knew nothing about the vampire family that fought their natural inclinations or the shape-shifters. Somehow a huge blind spot turned my attention away until I was in the perfect point in Time...