This mental event that I named a mindquake 4 years after it happened, was a package of information retrieved from my past, about my life, psychologically defined and interpreted, all in a flash of time. I knew nothing about Freud other than what I'd read in jokes, "Now, vat is he REALLY thinking?" was one; remarks I'd heard in movies and read in books.
The first mindquake occurred in 1984 during the 10 days the Olympic Games were hosted in Los Angeles. Later I discovered that Los Angeles had hosted the Olympic Games in 1932, the year I was born. I will take it apart into layers because that's what I had to do between 1984 and 1988. By then I had become aware that my own mind was working independently of my will with its own purpose, and with what seemed to me to be unexplainable: a very co-operative exterior world. Every thing I heard, saw and did myself in my every day life seemed to be participated in by what was outside of my body, not only by people I knew in specific circumstances and situations, but anything that used words. (That was a horrendously confusing experience when it began) and the entire planet seemed to be involved in helping me understand and explain to myself, why even objects that used words continually seemed to address my unspoken, and unspeakable inner content. I found out as time passed and events happened that what I could 'see' within my own mind was content that emerged in different locations in my mind, and that 'now' differs in each location. The first mindquake had some visible content but the message was embedded in masses of information that I didn't know or understand. Carl Sagans' book Contact came to my attention one day and after reading it, and being hired by the Boeing Corporation, a kind of unpacking of the hidden content began. My body was a wretched shell that seemed trembly; I couldn't rest or sleep normally. It was possible to understand what had changed in my body, because some of my thought was colored with a personality that I knew very well. The ideas of psychiatry were unknown but I used my own less than profound words to describe how this change began with the mechanisms of mind that created tunnel vision, literally double sight.
I had also had a neurological test done that revealed my handedness had changed from right to left! That explained somewhat why I was getting lost so often. I couldn't type even one line without so many mistakes that it was gibberish even when I bought an electronic typewriter that allowed correcting mistakes before printing. I couldn't balance our monthly bank account. I didn't know that right looked like left to me at times. One evening I'd been partnered in a square dance by a person that mentioned several times that I had turned into the opposite direction I was supposed to turn, so that problem was noticed by some one else before I noticed it myself. I decided something was wrong and told my psychiatrist, who arranged for the neurological tests that revealed my handedness had changed. I began to notice some of my habits had reversed their content, but not the pattern. For instance I could not read fictions. I saw my hand reach for non-fiction books that were not interesting to me and felt a powerful drive and an unusual inner prompting that made me read them anyway. The 'force' of habit may explain that 'drive'; it was irresistible and demanding for such a long span of time.
I felt but could not describe at that time somehow detached from my body. I heard myself differently and in a new way 'saw' my self, not physically, and this change was difficult for me to understand. I felt as though I was both an actor and an audience observing my own body!!!
The contents in my own mind were very different than normal for me, a new kind of thought had begun. I wondered if I was thinking it. I was without knowing it, watching and listening to more than one kind of thought that emerged into my mind. That took some time to understand but I had been literally 'thought' less for almost 50 years. I was curious about what was going on in my mind and in my physical life because I felt so bad.
I had unconsciously discovered the message that was embedded deeply within the 1984 mind-quake by mid 1985. It happened when I intended to type a letter to someone else! Automatically, with no knowledge of what my fingers were doing, I had typed it without reading it and printed a copy without any curiosity at what my hands had written! It was a slow process of discovery, because it had occurred in a level of mind that was as remote from my every day consciousness as a galaxy was to an astronomer until recently.
The words we use to describe computers didn't exist in my mind. The package began with an incident that I'd not thought about even once after it happened when I was 13 years old! It was thought and a subtle kind of pre-thought that was not actual words, but somehow more like a fragrance that identifies an object before you see it. I wrote to Wilson van Dusen, a 21 page letter full of examples of events that I had become convinced were described by Emanuel Swedenborg and he validated my hunches that I had described 'influx' and other ideas related to a natural process of life that man is supposed to experience. He named it 'regeneration' but C. G. Jung and other authors used different language for the process. I had read van Dusens' books, The Presence of Other Worlds and The Natural Depths of Man when I wrote to him. Later I met him when he was guest of the local Swedenborg group that I had begun to attend. I had to ask them if they wanted other people to know about Swedenborg and their twice monthly meetings and the minister that travelled from Bryn Athyn to talk about Swedenborgs' Writings. I learned about the literal sense to some degree when I read Swedenborgs' writing but my understanding of the literal sense is different in how I experienced the abstraction of any content that related to the information in the cached package that was 'downloaded' into my mind.
This kind of event had happened to someone I knew very well, but in a different hemisphere on the planet. Shared mindsets is no as unusual as it may seem.
. Mr. van Dusen had used the term, double thought' in the first quotation I read from Swedenborgs Writingsl This 'doubleness' has created my 'synchronistic' experiences. There is another possible explanation, that a stream of content is moving through Time and that individually a person may, as I did begin to be 'logged on' to that content. The past 75 years has opened up a vast universe that didn't seem to exist in 1945.
The content of the first mindquake was sent into that location and was received as inner content, and its my opinion this is a signal moving steadily through what we experience as 'time'!
My body had become an object to observe but I was not aware of that because the sense of observing myself, took a long time to name. I seem to be a very slow learner, but I believed I'd had a head injury until about 1988. I was puzzled by the change that altered every thing, but which was invisible its self until after 1989. That's when I experienced 2 mindquakes that linked clearly back to the first one in 1984 and to other experiences in my family and to the family I married into, European born Dutch who had immigrated to America. Those events proved that no physical cause was producing the effects that were often nearly overwhelming to experience. There were other real people who acted and talked as though they seemed to know what they could not possibly have known was in my 'thought', it was literally unspeakable because it emerged fro depths that were no close to speech. This happened in a particular flow of events and situations where my body felt extremely different. My thoughts were different and every day I was driven to do things unlike my normal self had ever done.
I didn't know this kind of experience has a psychiatric name, its 'thought broadcasting'. I was never told that, I discovered it when I asked to read what a counselor was writing as we talked. I noticed she had not recorded anything I said, nobody would ever know what I actually said to her if they read her notes!!!!!!!!That was a shock that I cannot describe because of the situation in my life.
These were very specific people in a specific situation: individuals in two small groups of square-dancers and the two callers who were attempting to introduce advanced and challenge levels to the area where we lived. The mainstream dancers were extremely antagonistic to those two groups and I felt discrimination for the first time in my life. The mental event itself was an enormous batch of information, beginning with retrieving and replaying a complete memory that I'd forgotten after it had happened when I was 13 years old. Then many selected memories from my marriage swooshed into my mind that told a story instantly. That content was obviously followed by a kind of download (before I knew the word or could have used it) of recorded history and other content that was necessary to understand the whole event. It was content that had to be discovered, bit by bit I believe, and that happened when I read books, certain specific books, that provided words and information I had to know. That required reading non-fiction books, which I had begun to do about a year prior to1984 when I was beginning therapy, believing I had brain damage after an accident and surgery that I was told initiated severe post menopausal syndrome.
I had become aware by 1988 that this package was being taken apart, bit of information by bit of information by a process and a well known pattern, a pattern I'd noticed when I was a very young girl!! It was automatic and mechanical but the content was using my personal memories, experiences and what was at that time, really being done by these two callers and their activity: teaching all position square dancing to the few people that wanted to learn advanced and challenge levels, which removes all gender roles and gender designation.
In the first mindquake in 1984 thought words occurred into my mind while I was struggling to make a skirt, fitting the pattern pieces onto a remnant I'd bought that was a one way mirror image plaid : "You are correct, patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." Then the event that had happened when I was 13 years old on The Hill was retrieved, complete in every detail: how I'd felt, what I'd thought about in that event then never thought about until that moment was retrieved! Then a memory was retrieved of an event that had happened one night more recently that had startled me when I heard these words said by one of the square dance callers: "What you get used to gets to be normal." He had looked at me briefly as he said those words, and they affected me like a shock because they seemed to address a question in my mind, that I had never said aloud to anyone. He was preparing to introduce a difficult square dance movement and had told us we needed to learn it correctly because 'nobody goes back to relearn something they've learned the wrong way',
The name of that movement was 'cast a shadow'.
Later as time passed, whenever this one caller chanted those words, at some point they began to re-occur into my mind as a quiet kind of thought words, not his voice, but a very quiet kind of thought voice. Other callers used the words, but they were just normal words. I'm sure I didn't notice that reverberation when it began, it occurred so rapidly that it was difficult to be certain it was happening and only then, when I noticed this effect, did I wonder to myself about 'cast a shadow'. The words, which formed an association eventually when memories of comic books I'd read and then a radio show I'd liked very much, occurred into my mind. A creepy voice introduced the character on the radio version: "Who knows what Evil lurks in the hearts of man? The Shadow knows! The Shadow has the power to blind men's mind so they cannot see him."
I had never heard of Carl G. Jung and his definition of the 'shadow', that it was what a person does not 'want' to know about themselves. The words that The Shadow used, were never connected to any idea other than 'he has the power to blind men's minds so they cannot see him.' then later to the myth of Narcissus who could not recognize his own reflection as himself, and to Echo who repeated the last words he'd said; then still later to the version of Eve's creation that caused Adam to say she was flesh of his flesh, bone of his body. I had lived those lives.
Two poems were retrieved from my past and displayed along with the fact that I remembered having memorized one of them, Invictus but that I'd only read the other poem which was: Myself. I felt that the meanings in these two poems was 'infused' into my body when they occurred as 'thought words'. I felt a real need to 'be just' and to 'be' what the words in the poem meant. So much content was 'infused' into my mind and body along with those words that I can't write even a small part of it. One critical attribute could not have been understood until I'd experienced the next 20+ years: I was at that point 'told' what was happening then and what was going to happen in the future. I did not at that point in Time understand any kind of 'psychologically sensed' information which I had begun to become more aware of in the most minimal form by then in noticing and being curious about things I could have noticed in the past but had not seen! Also I had noticed I could not 'get meaning' from such books as The Bridge Of San Luis Rey for instance, but I'd also noticed I could not 'get meaning' from books like One, Two, Three Infinity by George Gamow. They were both books I'd read when I was in my mid twenties.
I had 'wondered' to myself why I could read every word easily but I could not understand what made a book like The Bridge of San Luis Rey win a Pulitzer Prize.
That content was followed by long strings of memories of myself in my early life wondering to myself as I walked along, or was late for anything; wondering if my presence anywhere made a difference, or if my being late anywhere changed my future. Wondering if my just seeing something made a difference. This was a very private kind of memory that was retrieved. I never talked about these 'wonderings' to anyone else. That's a detail I was not aware of until after I had made the strenuous trek that was required (between 1984 and 1988) to bring those words into a place where they could begin to be written down, and then even later, spoken aloud! This was an enormous batch of memories, retrieved from my past and displayed in a 'swoosh', but this content contained the material that was referred to in ""you are correct.", and in many layers after the primary meaning, which was linked directly to the 'thought' I'd had that day on the hill, "Thought is the common denominator of humans. We must be IN something, or ON something, and THOUGHT must DO something.". "You are correct." was related specifically to that thought, which occurred into my mind when I felt my body surrounded by space.
Particularly "We must be IN something, or ON something." I could not have understood the reference to 'THOUGHT' must DO something" because I did not suspect 'thought' from different levels occurs in the mind, and thought from the most remote, inaccessible level, which cannot easily 'fall into speech' (Swedenborg) is embedded and occurs without any seeming difference from other thought. It was embedded in my empty head, I had been almost literally empty headed until I had the Dream late in 1981.
A kind of 'double track' of ' 'fault lines' opened up two layers of my marital relationship: One layer was of my real world life as a married woman and the other was the formation of a real burden in my body of being actually 'EVE', the woman who was guilty of causing the 'fall' of Adam. I felt this in my body afterwards in a way that produced such grief that it was almost unbearable for almost 7 years. I wept quantities of tears every day that made me wonder to myself from a strangely detached position, where my body seemed to be visible the way an object is visible, how my body could produce them.
I had become extremely curious about the relationship of a certain man and his wife, the man in the Dream, that fascination was what had triggered the changes in my thought, when he seemed to answer questions I'd not talked to anyone about. That's a long story but the attraction was explained in 1989: We were basically living identical lives in our marriage in the early 1980's, both married to a mate that was of the same nationality and had similar mindsets.
I had heard casual remarks throughout my life about 'EVE's transgression but at this point one of the 'fault lines' associated me with EVE, physically. The other 'fault line' was opened up as a viewpoint that I later realized was the 'woman' that has been experienced by males, in their history which was not me at all, the real person. I had never been visible to my husband, (or to any other man as I found out when I went further into 'therapy') because he had related to this 'image' of the female as 'bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh' that was in 1984 'commonly experienced' by many, the European born male.
(I had just barely begun to become aware by 1984 that I could not initiate any kind of conversation with my husband and maintain it, I was always sidetracked. The same 'sense of being sidetracked' emerged eventually also when I was in 'therapy' when I realized I could not ask certain questions I'd intended to talk about in sessions. It took several years to notice that I intended to talk about certain issues but always left without having even mentioned them. I began to feel 'thwarted', actually 'restrained' from mentioning these issues, but over the past 2+ decades I've come to understand that my first attraction to the man in the Dream that initiated a stream of 'non stop thinking' was a desire to talk to him. I had a strong need emerge to get to know him but a sense of being 'thwarted, restrained, held back' had began to emerge at that point.
I had not noticed that my 'strange attraction' to him had begun with a simple 'wish' to be able to talk to him about square dance problems I was having. He had somehow felt this but it had been 'switched' into a female/male attraction in his mind and I felt I could not tell him I had no interest of that sort in him. This in itself made me feel that what I wanted to say was 'unspeakable', literally. I began to feel an almost unbearable sense of being stifled because what I wanted to talk to him about was unspeakable, literally.
Then four sentences occurred on the second 'fault line' in the first mindquake: My husbands name is omitted here, but I don't intend to accuse anyone, nor to inflate my self when I write what happened: "XXX knew from the first that you would 'do'. XXX knew from the first that you would be able to do for him what he cannot do for himself. XXX abstracts from the universe only what is of benefit to himself. XXX encourages only what is of use to himself."
Memories, an enormous batch of them were retrieved and displayed in a 'swoosh' along with these four sentences which conveyed immediately a view of our past that I had not suspected. .It was a psychological interpretation of certain events, all new information to me. There were long strings of incidents that had really happened in my marriage, beginning with the first night when my husband was angry and said to me: "Have you said your prayers?" before he rolled over and went to sleep (He had not registered as an alien because he knew he would be drafted. I had pressed him to obey the law and he finally did register and was almost immediately drafted. He was furious with me.
An 'impression of words' occurred along with that primary memory that "I would regret ever having been born." They were sensed somehow with this swoosh 'string' of retrieved memories, each of which was quite distinct. This 'swoosh' of memories conveyed in a flash a 'story' as though a movie occurred in a fraction of a fraction of a second. Understanding came immediately and it was about our relationship that indicated he had knowingly created a situation in our life, which he hated passionately on one level but which in a different way I had begun to notice really made him quite happy. He had changed radically by 1984 when this happened. He had changed (as I understood later) from being 'worried/'considering the effects of every activity' and of being unwilling to made any choices at all in everything, to the exact opposite. He seemed to believe (and talk as though) it was not necessary for him to do anything, that everything would work out without any action from him. The effect of this change was felt in my body before I could try to talk to him about the difference in his attitudes and behavior towards me. He told me I was imagining things.
In net effect this did not change anything in my life, except that I began to experience what I later named as a 'double bind', and mixed signals, and at times a real 'doubleness' of meaning, as well as of context began to emerge!!. I felt 'like a drenched towel' that was being 'wrung out', as I began to weep tears that drenched my face and my body, every day at that point!!! I told him that I was a 'towel person' to him, an association that formed in my mind which I knew came from our first visit to the Seattle Science Center. There was an exhibit of baby monkeys with different 'mothers'. An exhibit of a baby monkey whose 'mother' was a soft towel, to which it clung had caused me to make that remark. I had begun to notice small details in our every day life that puzzled me by then.
This which follows was an almost unbelievably critical part of this package!!!
Following those four sentences, a 'short string' occurred, it was the retrieval of the memory of 5 very specific events that had happened, and these were different from any other 'retrieved events' in a way I did not notice myself. The thing that was different about this 'small batch' was pointed out to me in 1989 when the second stage event happened. Five thoughts I'd had at different times, were retrieved and pronouns were reversed in them. Many things I'd not noticed myself were 'pointed out to me' in the first 1989 event and it was critical that I understood then, only then, that I had not created this event myself, I was an observer to, and not the originator of this experience.
This short string of retrieved memories had been 'thoughts' that had occurred into my mind as I looked at the caller in my Dream, while a dance was under way. He was one of the two men in the dream, and by then I was being kept awake, or semi awake constantly, 24/7/365 by thought (non-stop thinking) about the dream and this one man. I could not understand how my mind created so much thought about this one man in the dream. The other man, the 'tape caller' who represented the philosophers of the past, as I found out later, was not in this 'stream of 'constantly moving thought'. I had never said these 'thoughts' aloud or mentioned them to anyone else but they were retrieved with the pronouns reversed, and this reversed the 'gender'. They were 'turned around'!!! And they were 'switched' from being about this man and his wife and were transferred to the relationship between me and my husband!!!! I did not 'get' one fact about this, which was also critically important and which was pointed out to me in the 1989 event: I had become focused on this couple, each in a different way, and they were at that point in Time, 'mirrors' of what was going on in my own life!!!! I had not 'chosen' them, or made any conscious effort to 'understand or be curious about'' a situation between them that had begun to puzzle me (and other people who did not speak openly about what they saw):
My attention had been focused on them, not by my self because they were living at that point the same kind of marital life I was living but by some Other! A kind of mirror was being held up, between me and what was outside of my body as I had to begin to recognize.
"A man must be able to live his life in his own best interests." The word 'man' was changed to the name of my husband and the context was no longer about the caller and his personal life.
"He has lost the ability to live his life in his own best interests."
"He does what she wants him to do."
"He said the words, but the words are hers."
"He is a prisoner in his own body."
That was just the smallest part of the first of two batches of memories and information that happened in 1989. This one happened while I tried to rest a few minutes in a toilet cubicle. The second one happened when I turned to the back of Petr Beckmann's History of Pi. I read the copyright statement, puzzling a few minutes about the 'strange' (to me) number 100,265 then saw two pages of decimals and noticed 265 in the first 10 decimals... then it happened, the numbers in the first rectangle of pi decimals seemed to shift about, habits I's had since I was very young, and experiences I'd had in life as lived my 'wifehood', interpreted the results and I was made aware then that a hidden vein of activity had been accumulating, from my first memory. More than I can describe linked the results of the shifted numbers to a private life I'd lived, in my mind, where a few re-occurring thoughts had laid a foundation for this day in 1989. I named that one a 'pi-quake'. It revealed a pattern that I knew nobody else would ever see...and it clearly referred back to certain experiences I'd had before I was a teenager, to my first memory when I was less than two and a half years old. It was an event that I could see and relate to when it happened! I didn't have to discover its content as I'd had to do in the 1984 event and to some degree the first event in 1989.
Because I could relate to this one 'now', I was made aware that I had traversed inner space that exists between certain levels of thought; hearing and seeing that thought consciously; seeing the 'coincidences' and receiving their new meanings, and their contexts emerge in a new language that I had learned somehow instinctively, taught it seemed by the planet itself which had created its own voice, a new kind of artificial intelligence different than Alan Turings' version.
One day I was assigned to a new location and had an experience in which I could not fail to notice that a thought that had occurred into my mind when I walked onto a metal grated floor that was the ceiling for a lighted room below it was 'replayed' literally with no space between the words; it was a seamless 'echo' of that content but the words were turned towards me and I heard them as I heard people talking to me, but they told me what was possible then, what I was doing actually and mentally: "Its like an invisible floor. Its like being lifted up and I can see what's going on around me and below me."The new context described to me what I was doing mentally and physically. I had begun to see this reflection of thought, but could not be certain it was really happening.
I had recently read a book, Replay by Grimwood, a detail that I did not at that point associate to the event on the metal grid floor. Nor did I associate the event to a paragraph I'd read years prior to this event in a book by Wilson van Dusen in which I read then paused briefly to wonder what 'I feared my double thought would be torn asunder' meant. It was a quotation from Emanuel Swedenborg's writings. Then as a blessing from real reality, I finally read a book by Theodore Reik that I'd owned for several years: Fragment of a Great Confession in which he quoted Goethe's experience of seeing himself with the 'eye of the soul' one day, he saw a future event of himself. And Theodore Reik described his process of thought as he ruminated about a bridge game he'd watched his frail wife play the night before. He had noticed that as he used certain words used by bridge players to describe the game seemed to develop a secret meaning, a double bottom and they related to his real life with his wife. He described what I've experienced as 'second underlying contexts', that was my name for the kind of events that are defined as either 'meaningful coincidences' or as 'delusional interpretations' and other psychiatric terms..................