My Central Idea. was brought to my attention, I did not go looking for it. It began to develop when I was in my mid forties. That was in the 1970's. It's October 2006 at this point in Time. I suggest reading the link: "When it came it did not come as it was expected to come." after reading this link.
Every idea begins to become real by being born in a body, that's what I believe at this point in Time, and the task of that life is to discover the idea.
One day when I was in my mid 40's (1970'S) I saw two books that I'd read in the past and been affected by in different ways, laying one on top of the other in a used book store. I remembered faintly the history of each book, which keep in mind, had been quite different. I noticed somewhat distantly that the jacket of the books was printed in the same shades of green, chartreuse was popular then. So I bought them and soon re- read The Bridge Of San Luis Rey then later I re-read Childhoods End. I've always mostly read fictions and was very happy when a movie was made of a book I loved. But I'd not yet read Thornton Wilder's book when I saw the movie with the man I later married. We were in our early 20's, he was newly arrived from Holland, we'd met recently at a square dance and the film was free. That is an important detail, the show was free.
When I noticed the spines of the two books, I remembered how I'd seen the movie of The Bridge Of San Luis Rey when I was in my early 20's then after seeing it, I'd read the book, not because I liked the movie but because I didn't understand it. I was puzzled by my inability to understand it and could not understand why the book was so highly regarded that it won the highest prize in literature. The book's meanings remained an enigma to me even after re-reading it again 3 decades later. I was intrigued by it's fame and by my ability to read the words easily but was puzzled that I didn't get much from the book . However I'd noticed one idea in it.
There's a conversation in a chapter titled, Perhaps An Intention in which an old abbess made a remark that had caused me to pause over it when I read it the first time. It's on page 137, "Do you know I keep thinking something can be done for the insane. It seems to me there is a secret about it, just hidden from us, just around the corner.....". I remember thinking this was an odd question, it seemed out of context and somehow unusual to insert in the conversation.
I can't be certain about the timing but later I re-read Childhood's End. The history of that book was unique in that as I read it, I'd felt an unusual effect in my body when I read the last third of it. I remembered again how I had become so immersed in the story that I felt embedded in it. I'd had strong effects from certain books when I was in my teens as well as throughout my life but no other book has ever had this particular quality, such that the book and I were one. As I re-read it the memory of myself reading it the first time returned vividly although I'd not thought about the book in any particular way after reading it. That was not true of a few other books I'd re-read many times, such as Magnificent Obsession by Lloyd Douglas, Of Human Bondage by Somerset Maugham and The Collector by John Fowles. They had impressed me so that I'd recommended them to my family and friends but they usually wouldn't read them.
This time when I re-read Childhood's End, I felt again the effect it had on me originally. Several unusual situations developed when I was re-reading Childhood's End: I noticed that at a certain point I read a sentence on page 181, in the chapter titled, The Last Generation but had omitted one word. Then noticing the omission, I paused to wonder why I had not read that word!
That sentence is embedded in a paragraph that is a part of a conversation between an alien and a man that stowed away on a spaceship and is on the aliens planet. The alien speaks: "All through that century the human race was drawing slowly nearer to the abyss never even suspecting it's existence. Across that abyss, there is only one bridge. Few ....... unaided have ever found it. Some have turned back while there was still time, avoiding both the danger and the achievement. That would never have been your fate or your fortune. Your race was too vital for that. It would have plunged into ruin and taken others with it, for you would never have found the bridge."
Then I noticed that I had not read what was on the page which was: "Few races unaided have ever found it." I'd read 'Few unaided have ever found it." Why was the word 'races' omitted? Somehow I could not read the word 'races' in that one sentence! I was more puzzled by why I wondered to myself about this not too unusual fact, I scan read usually.
It was then I felt a faint sense that within my mind there was another reader, a presence of some kind behind my own eyes. It had been faintly sensed as I'd read, I'd felt it as a sense of a 'poised, waiting, even searching' eye, expecting something and it had recognized what it was looking for in this material: "...it is an abyss across which few....unaided have ever found their way."
But somehow the word 'races' was not part of what it recognized.
I felt the presence of this 'other reader' in a way I cannot describe even now, it was so barely there, so faintly sensed, but this kind of event happened a few times in my future, in the 1980's! What caused me, who normally 'scan read' swiftly to notice this seemingly simple deletion? The barely there awareness of an other reader, an expectant, watching, waiting and alert eye behind mine, was brought to my attention only after I'd spent some time wondering about why a word was omitted. I paused for some moments, re-reading the words on the page, but was also somehow newly aware of what was going on in my mind. The big issue was trying to figure out why I wondered about seeming to avoid reading one word. It was a memorable event.
I puzzled for some time about why I had literally 'felt' something faintly visible to me in my mind, that had been poised, waiting and expectant as I read, then I 'felt' something when it recognized what it was looking for: a fragment embedded in a conversation between a man and an alien. What that other observer read was brought to my attention in this manner sometime in the mid to late 1970's. But in 2006 I can recognize that may be the only way such a deeply embedded detail, such specific words, could have been highlighted, to get my attention, to seem significant for some reason,. That experience was the beginning of noticing my mind had busy-ness of its own and had something to talk to me about There was no reason to 'wonder' but that I did 'wonder' was cause to wonder. That's how it seems to me now, more than 2 decades later, but at the moment I could not have known all this.
Then late in the 1970's a strange thing happened in my mind: the fragment of a conversation between an abbess and a visitor from Spain became linked up with those few words in Childhood's End and spontaneously occurred in my mind for reasons I could not see: "..and the insane? .... I watch them sometimes and it seems to me there is a secret about it, just out of sight, just around the corner....it is an abyss across which few....unaided have ever found their way."
I've highlighted the word 'it' because the 'secret' is not about the insane people, but is about 'it' as an abyss. The secret about an abyss was mentioned by an abbess. I used to pronounce the two words as 'abbess' until someone corrected me.
The resulting 'sentence' which I did not form myself came into my thought at some point in the late 1970's. It occurred just randomly for no reason and eventually, but not immediately, I wondered to myself about that strange reoccurrence because the thought was always accompanied by memories of the very different histories of the two books. It was rather a large package of memories that accompanied the thought that obviously my own mind had constructed from its own will, abstracted from what I had been looking at, but for its own purposes.
It seems to me now that a future event was being built up in a form that was visible to me by an activity in which my curiosity about what was going on in my own head was being purposefully aroused. It really was a new thing, noticing an obviously non-self generated sentence that I realized ( or was caused to remember) had been abstracted out of embeddedness from millions of books, an idea that was created from two sources over a span of decades.
(It seems a simple thing now to get the main idea in The Bridge Of San Luis Rey, its about one man's search for evidence of God. He believed he could find evidence of God's working in the life of the 5 people who fell to their death when the bridge collapsed, tossing them into the abyss. Its also about a countess, an old woman whose letters to her daughter became famous. The beautiful daughter had rejected her mother's overbearing love, putting as much distance between herself and her mother as possible. It was the daughters' husband that had saved the impassioned letters written by the Countess.)
The 'secret about it', just out of sight, just around the corner' is an idea that I understood only somewhat 25 event filled years later! Those 25 years were painful, almost life threatening and overwhelming; they were a trek through the abyss itself in situations that happened in the location where I was physically almost a decade later, after I'd noticed how that non-self generated thought was constructed. My body became an uncomfortable shell somehow during that time. My mind was teeming day and night with a stream of thought that would not let me sleep such that almost a decade later when the movie, Sleepless In Seattle came out, I had a rueful laugh because the title, coincidentally described a real fact about me at the time I saw the movie.
In my physical life at home a situation developed that I had to discover was distinctly related to the 'secret about the insane'. There are books that I'd not read that describe 'folie aux deux' and the way the 'Stockholm Syndrome' forms a link between individuals in close associations; between captives and their captor; and how families are 'bonded' together mentally quite often. That's in the bible by the way, 'thine enemies will be in your own household'. The difficulty of individuating out of the family we were born into is not a well known idea, it was unknown to me. But I'd not read about such ideas and didn't read the term 'participation mystique' until 10 years later, when I read Dark Night Of The Soul. The conditions in my home, my inner content and many changes that had happened in my mind and what two groups of individuals who were introducing advanced and challenge level square dancing blended into a single stream of events, gradually, not at once, very gradually until that 10 days when Los Angeles hosted the Olympic Games.
The situation began with a new, unsuspected kind of 'self replication', a duplication of a mindset because there are individuals who have a 'see it my way personality'. This personality is or can seem to be dangerous, my opinion of what is true about 'see it my way personalities' has changed radically. It's not unusual either because most families begin with this kind of bond between infant and mother, they are mentally 'at one', and this bond is apparently essential. In fact I remember reading somewhere that it's important for an infant to be 'bonded' with it's mother and that autism is the result when that bond isn't formed. Although there are several different names for slightly different variations, folie aux duex, participation mystique, symbiosis, the definition I first read was : the same disease shared by two people. I didn't know the word 'disease' meant 'mental pathology'
I read recently that in psychiatric therapy, the 'bond' of transference/counter transference' is necessary for therapy to really begin! The marital bonds in several people that I knew in these two groups of individuals were sometimes the deepest possible. As time passed and events happened that made me feel unbalanced literally, certain couples strangely seemed to be one person. But I had to find that out the painful way, by experiencing it when my marital bond was severed suddenly, really. The person I lived with had a change in his mind that affected me very painfully although it was never discussed or mentioned until I tried to talk about the problem I was having because of this change. A long travail began, when I felt compelled by a growing curiosity, towards noticing the effects, the results of the 'severed bond', in my body and in my thought because there were several new and different 'streams of content', that only I 'saw' in myself that matched at times so precisely I was astonished and puzzled.
This kind of 'bond' isn't unusual, nothing mystical is involved, it's been known as 'participation mystique' as long ago as when St. John's Dark Night Of The Soul was written. That's where I first read that name of the condition. It's possible to become enmeshed in a 'cult-like' group without going to church, without religious ideas being 'shared' and this situation began in such a group, that I belonged to in 1984. We were introducing advanced and challenge square dancing to the outraged mainstream dancers. All gender roles are removed at those higher levels. There were relationships in my real world that began to cause me to feel weird, 'surreal' in the few years before 1984 although I would not have used that word then.
There were physical causes that I believed explained many different 'effects' that had by 1984 changed every facet of my mind, body, thought, hearing and perception and what I 'understood'. At that point , after 1982 I had an almost unbearable noise in my head that did not seem to come from ringing in my ears, it was behind my right ear. When I first noticed it my thought was: "Oh, no! Nobody could ever get used to that." and I began to weep tears for a few years in such quantity that I could not see how my body could produce them.
A sense of being 'controlled from afar' as though I was a satellite 'dawned' slowly not in my imagination but when actual events happened over a period of a few years that planted seeds that grew together to produce that idea. The idea grew slowly from real world events.
Examples: In 1984 I bought a 1979 Datsun 210 station wagon and when I read the license tab ETW 651 the first time to get it registered, an automatic association was formed in my mind. I laughed somewhat about it: Extra Terrestrial Woman 651. Another incident happened when I had a computerized picture of myself made in the very early 1980's at the Western Washington Fair that was an arrangement of x's and o's. I put it aside at first, it was just a novelty. One day two years later, I glanced at the machine generated image of me, and only then the thought occurred to me that I had felt like a machine, not like my normal self when the picture had been made. The x's and o's represented graphically, literally how I'd felt when the computer generated image was created, like a machine that was operating automatically. But at times, very rarely at first, I saw myself and heard myself differently than normal for me.
I was noticing a peculiar sense at work that I could not name for years, and then I began to notice in the most literal way, that it actually named itself in bits and pieces of events that bonded together into a new and growing stream of 'understanding' that paralleled the normal, familiar way I understood. I had two streams of 'understanding' by 1989 and could not decide which was real! The new 'sense' changed every thing in my exterior life and built that new stream of understanding, but I could not see any real alteration in the real world. So at some point I came to believe the change was all somehow within my mind. Whatever it was, it was between me and what ever I looked at, it was transparent, (I had to discover that fact in a way that seems hilarious and stupid, doing things for no good reason until I learned something about symbolic representations and history) and 'it' over-layed everything outside of my body, changing every thing, but not really changing any thing at all!
When I understood what the new sense was, I had become aware that it was describing itself to me, naming itself even and also had named me specifically and showing me that it was transparent itself but was everywhere. I will have to describe how that was done! I took pictures, did many things that had no purpose or meaning. I had no reason to do those 'things' and spent a lot of time reading books that at times came to my attention in a peculiar way, but at just the right time. That made me feel 'funny', then as time passed, I felt a sense that a conversation was being built up.
An almost unbearable sense of grief had begun to grip me one night in the early 1980s, it was before 1984 but I can't be specific about the date. The grief was somehow connected to a real person that I barely knew, a caller for one of the two square dance groups that were introducing higher levels of square dancing to the outraged mainstream dancers. We had situations that divided the two clubs somewhat, the two clubs were alike in many ways but different in some essential ideas, mainly about how to teach APD, or All Position Dancing where all gender identities are removed. One club had no admission requirements, anyone could join. The other had a rule; the couple that owned the club required everyone to basically re-learn the mainstream level because this caller used strictly the rules of APD, dancing by definition exactly. One night I was reading a page in a book and what happened that night was the first time I noticed the effect on my body of reading specific words in that book, The Weaver of Dreams by Myrtle Reed, published in 1910. It was an old book but my book was as pristinely clean as though it had never been opened. When the body wrenching feelings continued after that night I could not understand why I felt that degree of grief about a person I barely knew. Although I had an unexplainable and increasingly irresistible attraction towards him, I was wanting nothing more than to be able to talk to him without the unusual feeling of being stifled, prevented literally that I had begun to feel when I tried to talk to him about problems I had with the new level of square dance.
The sense of wanting to get to know this man and be able to talk to him had its origin in something his wife had said to me one day, she'd told me he loved her so much he could not bear to be away from her. That may explain why I was curious and wanted to get to know that man, in the beginning.
He had already become the focus of my attention after a short dream in which the two local callers and myself were the only people. See the link to The Dream. They were introducing higher levels of square dancing. It was a short extremely vivid dream, unlike any I 'd ever had before. After the dream, 'thought' about this one man in the dream moved constantly through my mind day and night for years. I wondered to myself about how my mind could generate that much thought about one man. That in itself made me very attentive to what was going on in my mind. I said nothing to anyone about the content of the dream or the stream of thought about the dream itself for reasons I had to experience before I understood my own silence and my inability to say words I wanted and felt pressured intensely to say. I needed information that I didn't have then. Many experiences had to happen before I knew there are real 'depths of mind', levels in the mind into which at that point I could see/listen to and also hear from and that my own 'depths' either carried or was connected to the source of the band of thought about the dream.
I could not not express its content in words because they were not 'words' yet!
But somehow I experienced them as almost words in a form that was not explainable to myself, until after I'd read Wilson van Dusens' Presence of Other Worlds then later read Emanuel Swedenborg's Heaven and Hell then read other of his writings but had also read some books authored by quantum physicists! I was amazed but puzzled when I read paragraph number 1984 in Arcana Celestia, the idea was so new to me. It's a paragraph that describes the 'literal sense' and the 'internal sense' of stories in the Bible. Swedenborg wrote that the literal words had another concealed meaning. The number of the paragraph 1984 and the content of that paragraph, that the bible stories have another meaning made me feel strange, but why, I could not understand. Feeling strange was happening more often after 1984.
It was work that I would not have expected to have to do, to bring that content into a location where the words could be written down; I could 'capture' only a word at first because that thought scrolled away so rapidly after it occurred into my mind. It was a long process, I felt an unusual persistent prodding that caused me to try to capture one word and remember it long enough to write it down, then one day I held one word in my mind and wrote it down. But much more time passed before that content could be spoken! "Racing thought" is not really faster, it just can't be retained easily in memory.
But no words really convey that much information.
By 1987 I had begun to notice, or suspect in a barely sensed way, that the thing at work in these events was explaining itself !I could see that my attention and at times even my own body was not under my own authority. This was being done to me, in a chaotic way but 'it' was somehow using what was in front of me at times in a way that for some time I didn't pay much attention towards. I had become aware that in my past certain memories of a few events that had really happened only once had been the same kind of 're-occurring memory' that had been produced by my mind from the two books. The memory re-occurred occasionally, and eventually when I was in my 40's I thought of them as 'ghost riders in the backroads of my mind'. Most of these re-occurring memories had happened before I was 10 years old. The kind of non-self generated, re-occurring thought that I noticed after having read the two books, had already been brought to a level of awareness where I noticed them in the mid 1970's. Then I had begun to wonder why each one had been 're-occurring' through decades and only then I wondered at my own lack of curiosity about them. I had noticed also a kind of thought, it was only a fragment of a conversation that had always been ever present, that I'd not been curious about. "I will give you not what will make you happy but what will make you strong." was said to me. "I want to be happy, why do I have to be strong?" was my response. "That you will have to find out for yourself.: was said to me.
(There had been a few reoccurring memories that flashed into my mind throughout my life, they were memories of a few events that had happened when I was very young and they were retrieved for no reason. I had begun noticing them and wondering to myself about why they had reoccurred throughout my life when I was in my mid to late forties. When I read The Bridge Of San Luis Rey only then I was wondering to myself about them with the barest degree of attention. I did not connect those 'random re-generations' of an event from my past, to the incident in which I saw how my mind created it's own sentence then began to regenerate it periodically. I noticed it without connecting it to anything I'd ever experienced previously. The connection between them emerged slowly. It seems likely that I had to read certain words in certain books at just the right time, to make that connection. That may explain in a new way what is experienced as 'deja vu' and 'thought broadcasting', because certain thought content that was first visible to me, later met its exact match some where ever words are used. I had noticed the 'thought content' advance from being barely there words, to being real words before they met their match somewhere, in what I read, what someone said or whatever an object that used words 'said'.
These 'regenerated memories' were I believe described as 'remains' by Emanuel Swedenborg in his writings. But Petr D. Ouspensky also wrote about 're-occurring memories' in the introduction to A New Model of the Universe.
This 25 years was a trip through the mind, through a mental space which was an unsuspected world within me. It began with my noticing how this particular idea was formed in my thought, and how this was accomplished in a visible process by a purpose filled 'will' other than my own' over more a span of time not of days, weeks, months or even years. A decades long event unfurled slowly as though (and this thought actually occurred to me one night in 1982,) I was seeing a miracle, slowed down so that I could watch it.
One night in 1982, a thought came into my mind as I looked around the room: "I am in a room full of teenagers." I didn't understand why as I looked around the room a thought that I was in a room full of teenagers came into my mind. That thought and what followed it was a new kind of experience, it had not happened before that night.
Much followed that one thought: "This is impossible. I don't believe any one but me would ever be able to understand this. How on Earth will I ever explain this? And who on Earth will ever believe me?" (I remember that I noticed a trivial seeming detail, that the word 'how' and who' use the same letters.)
Then a sense of words occurred, they were not actual words; it was obviously a 'batch' of content that contained words and memories from my past. The words 'that I was seeing a miracle slowed down in Time so that I would watch it as it happened' were words that were distinct. The 'sense of other words' occurred faintly, barely sensed along with a vivid memory of something that had happened actually when I was about 13 years old. The memory was displayed, complete exactly as I'd lived it then: Of myself when I was entering a new school, entering Junior High School. Our family had moved so I was going into Junior High School but not in the town where I'd gone to grade school. I was angry, lonely and watching a playground of children when one of my new class mates came to me. She introduced herself and that made me feel less lonely.
The memory of that retrieved event was as vivid as the real event although it flashed into my mind briefly and in a fragment of a second, into which was compressed quite a lot of other material. Quite a mass of 'thought content' followed the question that had occurred into my mind: "Who on Earth will believe me?" An answer to that question was given immediately, although I understood it not at all for many event filled years. Because it was the first event of it's kind I understood not a whit of what it meant when it happened.
In 1989 that memory was retrieved, complete in every detail when I had the first of two mindquakes that year. In 1982 a situation began to unfold then so that later in 1989, I could see how I was made aware it was a preparation for making me aware that I was not 'creating' this flow of events, they were happening TO me.
I had believed that real people in my life, one in particular had caused the changes in my mind, body, thinking and activities but that night in 1982 was repeated in 1989 and by 1989 I had learned to relate to my mind and what is out side my body in a different way.
That evening in 1982 was the first real mindquake. It as I found out in 1989, was an apparent preliminary event but it was critical in that it happened where it happened, away from my home and was not connected to people in my home and the situation in which I and several other individual were enmeshed.
There were times when it seemed that my thinking was being related to by certain people, that my thoughts were being answered or related to by certain individuals, several of them at times, but I'd not said one word of that thought content aloud to anyone at that point. Events in which it seemed these people knew my thoughts and were actually sharing experiences that I'd not talked about had made me feel very dizzy. By 1989 I had begun to feel less 'dizzy' and was often amazed at the precise timing of certain events at work. I'd begun work at Boeing in 1985 and sometimes at work, events happened that caused me to notice a connection between what I was reading, what I was doing that produced thoughts, and a mechanism in my mind that produced a repetition of content.
I had begun by 1982 to feel very strange at times, only a few times. I felt as though the world floor was suddenly Jello more and more frequently after 1984 and that increased. By 1995 at work when a big change was under way, I had become comfortable with my new 'mind' and could relate to my inner content when it occurred, not days, or months or years later. A great distance in my mind had been somehow crossed as I went about my daily life and noticed that some unusual 'events' happened that created a kind of instant new context, immediately. But I believe reading words in books had a lot to do with being able to do that, reading words was important. And even in 1989 every day life was very painful and difficult because I was not sleeping it seemed to me, at all. I was aware at night all night long of what was going on around me and in my mind.
I'd become convinced by 1988 that the 'synchronicities' and 'meaningful coincidences' that F. David Peat wrote a book about were other names for what I had been told were symptoms of mental illnesses, and disorders. But more important that Emanuel Swedenborg's writings about the 'literal sense' and the 'internal sense' , and other terms he used, 'double thought', symbolic correspondences', were other names for the same concepts.
I had called a Jungian therapist and begun to see him occasionally, expecting help with my marital bond and the situation in my real life. He validated my hunch that the 'symptoms' are other names for 'synchronicities' and meaningful coincidences' and told me he'd experienced those symptoms himself. He also told me that "the thing changes, it does not stay the same." I didn't need to be told that by 1988, it was changing then but I had begun reading books about quantum physics. The stream of thought had veered away from being about the dream. I noticed the content had changed only when that detail was shown to me in 1988.
At that point (it was a years long point) I literally felt 'unbalanced', unable to remain erect at such times. Not wanting to embarrass myself, I had to find many ways to keep up the 'normal' conversations or activities required in specific situations all related at first to struggling to learn challenge levels of square dancing and being denigrated by mainstream dancers.
The situation was specific and what happened could not have happened anywhere else at any other point in time, I realize that now. That night in 1982 as I looked around the room, was in a slots, a stream of events had already happened but they were just ordinary, until I was prodded to 'think about them'. I'd already begun to experience a 'new kind of event' in which precise timing of something I said or thought related to what was in front of me in a most amazing way. But I barely noticed those events and gave no thought to them until a batch. a string occurred then it seemed unlikely so many would be so perfectly timed to align with my inner content.
There was as well a new kind of experience of myself. I felt nearly inert at times. Now the word 'comatose', becoming an observer to my body and to my own will seems to be appropriate. I heard myself at times, say things I'd not thought about, didn't understand and had no reason to say!
(Theodore Reik described this kind of event, hearing himself say something he'd not thought about, happened to him when he was 9 years old in The Creation of Woman. He heard himself say something that he didn't intend to say and didn't understand. That event later triggered a book, which resulted in his explaining the second story about Eve's creation was really reversed, its not about Eve, its about Adams' second birth, his initiation out of the world of women, into the world of men. In my opinion this is another example of what Emanuel Swedenborg defined as a 'remain'.)
I could not hope to describe that a 'distance' had been installed somehow between myself and what I was doing, saying and thinking so that my body had become a kind of object, without tangibility but visible in a strange new way. What I was doing, even my facial and body gestures were observable to me. When I could describe how that felt, it was simple enough, it seemed as though I were both actor and audience of my body.
It took a long time to realize that a process of life has one attribute that causes 'self observation' had been switched on. There are other attributes, other than 'showing me and my life's contents' to myself. The best description I can give now is one I had to discover very slowly, I had become visible to myself and was viewing what was going on in a 'once removed' way.
(That's the name of a square dance concept, the 'once removed' concept. Almost every aspect of my life after 1977 was related to learning mainstream level square dancing, then advancing into advanced and challenge levels.)
I was already watching what was going on in my mind without awareness of that fact, after the short extremely vivid dream began to generate a nonstop stream of thought about the dream but only about one of the two persons in it. I had become sleepless literally, and was beginning to seeing a new effect that changed everything subtly, even what I heard, saw or thought.
At that point I was urgently involved in trying to prove to someone who thought I was finally 'over the edge' that I was not crazy. That was what compelled me to try to understand what was going on, to prove that I had not finally 'gone over the edge' to someone whose main focus in life had been that he wanted truth, and only truth. Somehow I became driven by the same focus, wanting the truth, only the truth.
(I believe Swedenborg's Conjugal Love describes the kind of marital bond, at depths that may be chemistries, does cause two individuals to live as one. That kind of 'bond' is not necessarily a marital or familial bond.)
In trying to respond to what was going on in my actual home, as well as this new situation in which certain people began to give evidence in their speech and what they were doing in their lives at that point in Time, that they knew what I was thinking about, I became enmeshed in events that had their origin outside of Time itself, I believe.
This event involving re-reading two books happened in the 9 years prior to 1984.
(Later I became aware that this kind of 'event' in which I noticed myself wondering about a seemingly trivial detail in a thought, had happened a few times before in my mind . The first time had been when I was about 9 years old, when it seemed that I wondered to myself about why a Sunday School teacher used the impersonal pronoun 'it' rather than the personal 'he'. ('When it came it did not come as it was expected to come' is a link to that event.) She was telling her version of the birth of Jesus and that event was certainly important, critically important in the future.
The misplaced pronoun, trivial as it may seem to be was evidence to me when it was pointed out to me later, that this event was not created by my self, even an unconscious self. It was observed by me, given from some other source. The only way such events could be identified was by implications and even those had to be pointed out to me later in 1989.
Another similar event happened in 1989. The first mindquake had happened in 1984, but another built and assembled from it happened in the first 1989 mindquake. That one reflected backwards in my life to 1982 and that linked up with the way my Sunday school teacher told her version of the birth of Jesus. She had used an impersonal pronoun rather than a masculine 'he'. I had not recognized the 1982 as a smaller mindquake that had happened, but in 1989 it was clearly revealed to have been an 'initiatory event' , one that prevented me from attributing the source of these experiences to people and circum stances in my life.
I had been outraged at something my husband was doing, and it was really through him that my experiences happened. That is not an accusation, its giving credit where its needed, the causality of our life together was not a personal effect. Events in his life when he was a boy on the opposite hemisphere on the planet shaped his life then later to mine, then in 1984 to a flow of events moving steadily through Time, as a signal.
However, I had to realize over a s pan of decades events were passing through him, as well as certain other people I knew at that point in Time and he had no memory of much he'd said to me and had not learned to understand the kinds of information created by imagination, fantasy, metaphor, in other words 'art' and creativity was a faculty that was not ignored, it was rejected completely, ejected into me at a certain point in Time.
That was difficult to accept even when I was given information to begin to understand it. It was not easy to understand this idea, it required years and much more information to understand. I had to learn that many things I'd heard my husband say to me were said from the depths of his own mind, he didn't hear himself say them and apparently doesn't remember anything from that depth.
(Emanuel Swedenborg's writings describe that man has two memories but doesn't know that. That seems a good explanation, especially after having recently read C. G. Jung's Red Book, in which he clearly writes about a life he lived but was kept separate from what he wrote in his Collected Works. His Seven Sermons To The Dead and some of Memories, Dreams and Reflections reveal that hidden part of his life.)
The biggest problem I've had was that the people who were most intimately involved with me at that time, could not validate anything. Once I tried to talk to the man in my dream, the live square dance caller about it. But for reasons that even now make me believe the word 'deny' does not describe the kind of 'forgetting' or 'loss of memory' that was involved, he didn't validate what I needed to have confirmed.
There's an abyss between the conscious mind and the beginning of the depths. It's not 'forgetting'. It's as though that kind of apparent 'forgetting' is the opposite of a hallucination, it's not even a deletion from reality, it isn't available to 'see' yet. The mouth that speaks is not connected to an ear that can hear and understand, at that moment anyway. ( I became aware of this when I heard my husband describe what he believed was my problem in 1983! What he said then was so far from a place where I could understand what he said and what was said to me in private later, but information that I didn't know existed was in that space. Hundreds of books contained that information and it became amazingly obvious to me, that those books seemed to know where I was, and they came to my attention. A 'function' of mind and attention directed my life long before 1984.
This function' is described in A. A. Brill's book: Freud's Contribution to Psychoanalysis on page....)
The second 1989 mindquake, which I named my 'pi quake' reflected back to the very early life event when a teacher told her version of the birth of Jesus and used an impersonal pronoun rather than the appropriate masculine gender, 'him' but even further back than that. To my first thought, that occurred when I was 2- 1/2 years old. There were also strings of related events that I had noticed but not to the extent they were explained in this succession of 'mindquakes'. (That event is described in another link, "It did not come as it was expected to come.").
The second event that happened later in 1989 began when I noticed that I paused to wonder about a trivial seeming detail in a copyright statement at the end of Petr Beckmann's book, The History Of Pi. I wondered why a number, '100,265 decimals of pi' had not been rounded off to 100,000 or 100,250, or even 100,500. Somehow the choice of 100,265 seemed odd. Then I glanced at the first row of decimals on the first of two pages of pi's decimals and in a glance noticed '265' in the first 10 decimals. (See the link to Martin Gardener's Dr. Matrix, reading that book created the kind of 'coincidence' that cannot have originated in my life, it was both hilarious and a proof that I was not creating the 'coincidences'. )
Within a flash of time, I saw my mind's activities clearly as it went to work on the first rectangle of decimals, and displayed to me, arrangements that formed relationships that I knew immediately not one other person but me would ever have seen. Habits I'd formed early in my life from an impulse that caused me to do certain things were clearly installed early in life for that moment to have any meaning.
There had been several events happen in the few months prior to this day, in which certain numbers had become distinct,(651/156; 256/265(2) and they were connected to my birthdate, 1-2-32) they were ordinary every day events, trivial seeming as all these other seemingly trivial events that I've attempted to describe. )
The titles of two other books are significant now, so I want to mention two of them: Of Human Bondage, by Somerset Maugham had been a radio screen play that entranced me. Later I read the book and was very much affected by it. There was no movie of The Magnificent Obsession by Lloyd C. Douglas when I read it although I seem to remember a radio show about 'Dr. Hudson's Secret Journal. I don't remember that I listened to it. When I read the book I was utterly fascinated with the unfolding of the mystery of Dr. Hudson's Secret Journal. Those two books also contained ideas that related to my future, which of course I didn't know until the future had become my past.
There is a distinct relationship of the past to the future in the kind of experiences I've had since 1984 although it's 2006 at this point in Time and I've only realized within the past 5 years that the 9 years prior to 1984 were the most important in regard to what happened in 1984, I read almost constantly when I had time, and I often read a book in a few hours although that has changed radically. That is probably because I read mostly easy reading, fiction books and magazines, tending towards reading science fictions, westerns by Zane Grey, and The Hardy Boys series. I read what my father read, especially the science fiction magazines that he bought then hid from me for some reason.
The 'central idea' began with it's formation in my mind, long before I could speak about it to anyone. It began early in my life but it was revealed through my finding those two books that I'd previously read, when I was in my mid forties. The idea was embedded in those two books but a process of real abstraction planted it in my mind. It was hidden, an unknown and unsuspected idea to the person I was when I was in my mid forties, but something in me was initiated gradually at that point, that 'eye within me' knew where and when to cooperate with the 'force' that knew where to find certain text in the two books.
Then I was witness to how a function of mind that was not under my control went to work, creating a sentence, then bringing that sentence into focus, alongside the fact that I knew I had not created it myself.
Over the next 10 years (1979/1989) this function of mind worked in a visible way, and taught me to recognize that the information necessary to understand the 'idea' was somehow 'lit up', and that a new form of language had to be learned, and then that a mechanical process was operating in a most unexpected form and was generating a self teaching language.
It is not like anything I've ever read about, it is completely unlike anything I've ever read in any nonfiction authors' books or 'mystical, esoteric philosophy'. But this part of me, this particular observing point within me, was also hidden because all activity in one's mind is not accessible immediately, some events happen in the mind that are visible but somehow are viewed as from a great distance from conscious awareness of them.
Such events advance into a nearer state of awareness, but that is a fact I had to notice over a period of time that was as much as several decades. And there is quite a variety of inner content. That also had to be discovered.
It's a very complex idea that 'evolved over a long period of time' and it came to me through a process of abstraction that I had to discover (or recognize) since it has always been operating in a hidden vein of experience in my life. The process of 'abstraction' is not new at all, any book that has a lengthy bibliography at the end of it is almost certainly the result of the same kind of experiences. Using all definitions of the word 'abstraction' to understand what I mean, the process created it's own words, in a language I did not originally know, using memories from my past that were quite specific, as well as what was in front of my eyes quite often, as 'content', while it illustrated the emerging idea.
Two fragments from two different books had been joined into a single 'thought' that emerged into my mind without any intent or purpose of mine.
The 'idea' was told to me, in a language I had to learn to understand from a state of innocence/ignorance. It is a pattern and it's a process as well but it's content is a package that I believe now was initiated almost from the moment I was born. That's probably true of other people too.
The complete package included an apparent fore knowledge of the future, not only mine but many individuals whose active participation startled me almost to a state of overwhelm, when it became obvious to me. The words I needed astonished me by seeming to know where on Earth I was, although I had to discover they were coming to me in a form I could not have expected or understood myself. An entire book was like a 'word' at times! (The Presence of Other Worlds by Wilson van Dusen; Other Worlds by Paul Davies; Listening With the Third Ear, Theodore Reik; The Hidden World by Edward Hall; The Silent Language by Edward Hall just to give an idea of what I mean by the 'literal sense' as I understand it now. )
These individuals who lived before I was born, wrote books that I read in certain specific situations and the books that just happened to come to my attention, actually told me what I didn't know myself. There was an active and ongoing 'enactment' for several years by people who gave every evidence of knowing what I had not said anything aloud about to anyone, what ever at the moment, I was thinking about. (I didn't know that certain symptoms of mental illness were what I was experiencing until I became aware that so called 'synchronicities' are the same kind of event.
This is a new and as yet not described attribute of this 'interactive force' to use F. David Peat's term, that they described to me what I was doing, where I was actually, literally. That was a real shock for some time.
The 'level' of mind where I was 'thinking', and 'wondering' about what was going on in my mind, and my life, seemed to be clearly known by several people. There are people alive now that could verify what I have lived through. They could have and even may have learned the same language the same way it developed in me, in my mind. There may be an awareness of the idea we were working on, (the secret about 'it' that affects people so that they may be categorized as the 'insane'). Others may be as aware in different ways of how they were 'at one with me', when they 'acted out' or spoke to me information necessary to understand 'it' but that does not seem to have happened.
The planet developed a voice, abstracting words from where ever they occurred at a time and in some place where they made sense. For Example: When I read Ralph Waldo Emerson's The Oversoul I read "What is meant for thee, even now wings towards thee..." I felt in my body an unfamiliar and un-articulatable (at that point) sense that the words had been somehow turned towards me, said directly to me the way a person would speak them.! That made me dizzy, literally.
When I read those words, a kind of information that I had not experienced before came into mind! I'd had problems in three jobs in my past and the reasons for those situations and the problems were given to me!
There were three distinct paragraphs in that essay that as I read them, generated what I now realize was a kind of 'influx' that caused me to understand several events that had happened in my past, that I had not understood.
There are individuals who have experienced the same pattern I did, but I didn't know them or anything about the pattern or it's processes. It taught itself, all of it, after it 'sorted the idea out' from where it was hidden so to speak, embedded literally in two books from which a mind generated sentence was given to me to wonder about, in the 9 years prior to 1984. It began with real people and continued with real world people actively involved.
I don't know how I can talk to anyone that could share their contributions to this 'conversation'. The process and the pattern had been actively at work when I married; it had already governed the activities and the passivities in the life of someone very close to me, whom I met in 1952 and married in 1954.
This man had an experience in his late teens, which he had mentioned only obliquely as 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker'. He had been told (as he put it himself) everything he would ever need to know in that event. The effect of this event on him as well as the name he gave to it, i.e 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker' formed the background from which my idea was planted then really grew, like a rhizome under the physical life we lived.
The event he named 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker' went through a progression of changes of his attitude towards it, much like the parable of the sower in the Bible happening to one person over a span of 32 years on a continuum much like a moebius band. I'll have to describe that in detail.
It was the last stage when it was rejected completely that I began to notice the effects of changes he'd made but not told me about ,on my body. I witnessed some aspects of those changes early in our life then remembered a lot that he 'forgot'. The fact that the effects of this 'singular event' that happened to him in about 1950 went through 'stages' in his mind and understanding, that were marked only by a certain offhand remark here and there is one fact that I cannot hope to prove. It was not my experience, I just observed the effects of the points of change in his language. "I have a problem" turned into 'there's a problem in the family', to 'there's a problem in your family' then to 'you have a problem'. Then I had the problem. Literally.
There were points of change in his attitude towards his 'under the apple tree event' that were about 9 years apart . It was only when I began to have my own experiences, which I did not relate to his experiences 'under the apple tree' for several years after 1984, that I began to link my events to his, and then even to the remote past. Our youngest son had an event in 1982 that initiated his psychological sense. I didn't realize that until a couple decades of my own experience made that connection obvious.
The first man to write about the strange interaction of oppositions from within was almost certainly Hesiod, who wrote that the 'muses could speak the truth or what SEEMS TO BE THE TRUTH' if they chose to do that.
Within 4 years after 1984 I had two 'strands of understanding' in my mind when I saw, heard or thought about anything.
One was my 'normal understanding', that had not changed, but the second 'strand' had grown from a kind of 'event' that had begun to happen in my life but I'd watched it 'accumulate' bit by bit of information as it was acquired in every day life. There were 'bits of information' seeping in very occasionally in connection with a very distinct and isolated situation, a situation that required what was happening really, to become 'manifest' in the material world. The situation was perfect in so many details when and during the decade of 1 977 to 1988, when two small groups of people in two square dance clubs that we belonged to, struggled to 'leave the mainstream level' of square-dancing.
Learning advanced and challenge levels requires removing gender roles. Gender roles have changed very much in our 'now'.
I don't like the word 'ignorance' and it is not accurate; I was innocent about almost everything other than what I'd learned in a small town education through high school and growing up without exposure to many educated people.