ev"The philosopher is usually interested in a central idea that evolves over a long period of time, which may never be successfully completed and formulated into words , one that may appear to be mysterious and beyond scientific validation." Jean Piaget
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Two pages from different books contained the words of My Central Idea. Words that were selected out from them were used, they were formed into a complete thought by a function of mind that operated independently of my will. And that happened over a span of decades. In 1979 I noticed the thought occur spontaneously in my mind and remembered where I'd originally read the words.
My Central Idea was brought to my attention over a span of decades in a way nobody has described although it's very common experience I have reason to believe. Authors of books that have an enormous bibliographies at their end have unconsciously experienced some part of the process that was brought to my attention between 1984 and the present time. The 'voice' aspect has not vanished although there have been points of change, we've all lived through an almost unbelievable span of change. Time itself, as we understood it in 1984 is different. The space between one second and the next second seems almost infinitely infinite. Other people and the events in my life became strangely colored with a subtle difference that I realized eventually was caused by a change that seemed to be in my mind. I believe the change happened to everyone.
Before 1980 I noticed my mind had joined two fragments from two different books that had fascinated me, each in different ways after the first time I read them. Noticing small details about thought that I didn't realize was not 'self generated' was not a simple thing, but those small details established that depths exist in the mind and that content produced in those depths has visibility to me. A preparation for the future was obvious to me after 1989 when I had the first of two major mindquakes. The first one revealed that I'd learned a new language and the second one, I named it my 'pi' quake revealed that from my first memory a careful preparation for the future was woven into my mind's content.
The 'voice' emerged from what two small groups of individuals were trying to do: leave the mainstream level and learn advanced and challenge level square dancing. Their attempts to leave the mainstream level produced animosity that I'd never experienced before but that doesn't mean the animosity had not been there to experience. I had become accustomed to it and there's nothing more invisible than what is 'commonplace'.
I believe the ideas of fate, destiny, Fortune, karma, reincarnation, deja vu can be explained by a single idea: they each imply 'foresight' and providence other than man's own attempts to prepare for the future.
My 'central idea' was that there is a 'secret about the insane', and I don't mean it's about how the artists and poets often have a 'touch of madness'. It's much more than that. That information was known to the ancients but I didn't begin to understand that myself until about 1990 when a new phase began that wasn't limited mostly to my personal life at home. Understanding complex ideas requires experience. I experienced strangeness and then gradually new (to me) information emerged in my thoughts.
The secret keeping societies made the secret somewhat distinct by keeping it alive through Time. Any idea that's forbidden to talk about, to think about has it's own life through Time. I had to recognize it, as well as recognize how it was being conveyed to me bit of information by bit of information. That happened over a period of decades, beginning with my first memory on this planet! The planet and real people in my life interfaced with me in a way that they did not realize, or even understand when I tried to verify that they were interacting with thoughts in my mind, that nobody but me could see.
I did not go looking for it. I was not missing anything in my life, I had no knowledge for most of my life about anything I've learned since 1984, July 31 through August 11 and then afterwards, until the present time. The process was initiated under the guise of natural world 'causes and effects' (I believed I'd had brain damage in an accident) and marital conflict seems even now to have initiated the change. The change in my thought happened late in 1981 after I had a short dream, unlike any dream I'd ever had. I don't dream very often, I never have. The dream was short but it initiated a never ending stream of 'thought'. That made me curious, eventually. My central idea was brought to my attention but discovering that it was being brought to my attention was the real central idea. Preparation began in real life and that's where the events that informed me have always happened. I became aware of certain thought and inner content being synchronized with events in the physical world, v...e...r......y slowly, over a span of decades. Thought and inner content that I couldn't relate to immediately when I 'observed it' flowing through my mind for several years clearly preceded meeting it's match in any form in the exterior world! The exterior world 'echoed' or 'reflected back to me' what was in my inner content. That may read as simple but to me it created tensions in my body that I'm sure a crew of blind climbers attempting Mt. Everest might experience. Very few people were saying 'no pain, no gain' in the months just before the Olympic Games in 1984.
Advertising for the Olympic games were full of 'sayings' aimed at the athletes but somehow I began to hear them myself in a new way, encouraging me to 'go for the gold', to breakthrough barriers established by others. I felt 'dizzy' for a few years after 1984.
The idea of body discomfort as information being 'lived' took about 20 years to begin to solidify in my understanding.
The 'synchronization' between thought and the exterior world occurred for several years between about 1982 and to the present time. The effect of being synchronized took a long time to identify, it produced doubleness everywhere; repetition, an inner reflection of content that was perfectly timed, occurring at speeds almost impossible to notice; occurring in specific locations.... that in itself seemed impossible until it became a constant feature in my life. It was a mental repetition, an 'echo', literally of content but inner preceded outer content for a span of years. The 'mirror neutrons' that have recently been recognized (they existed before they were identified) may explain the sense of 'deja vu' which says 'I've lived this before', or been here before.
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One day when I was in my mid 40's (1970'S) I saw two books that I'd read in the past and been very much affected by, one laying on top of the other on a shelf. Other books had affected me more strongly, but when I noticed them I remembered faintly the history of each book. I also noticed somewhat distantly that the jacket of the books was printed in the same shades of green. Well, I bought them and read The Bridge Of San Luis Rey by Thornton Wilder first, then read Childhoods End by Arthur C. Clarke.
The main idea in The Bridge of San Luis Rey is one man's search for evidence of God's workings in the life of 5 people who fell to their death when the bridge collapsed, tossing them into the abyss. The main idea in Childhood's End is about the arrival of extra terrestrials, they represent an Oversoul. They are sent to identify and protect the children who are to be the last generation and to witness the last days of the planet Earth.
I'd seen the movie of The Bridge Of San Luis Rey when I was in my early 20's. Then as was my habit, I read the book, not because I liked the movie but because I didn't understand it. It had been my lifelong habit to read movie magazines, I loved movies and often read the book afterwards. Over a period of a couple decades I had read this book several times but not because I loved it. I was puzzled by my inability to understand it. The name of the chapter that contains the idea that is at the center of my idea is contained in a chapter titled: Perhaps an Intention. Was Thornton Wilder guided by some agency that caused him to choose that title and then embed a comment made by an old abbess that there is a 'secret' just out of sight, around the corner about the insane? And was Arthur C. Clarke guided by the same agency when he inserted a sentence in the chapter titled The Last Generation that 'few....unaided have found their way across that abyss...?" And is it significant in any way that 'abbess and 'abyss' sound somewhat the same? These are a particular kind of coincidence, they are words that were abstracted out by a function of mind that is difficult to discern. The effect is that the words literally say something to me, but it took a long time and many events had to happen to force me to notice that 'literalness' and see a relationship to other events. Content of every day life was directed to my attention through a mechanism of mind that creates significance, and self reference. It's quite like a 'voice' saying a few words to me
I could not see why the The Bridge Of San Luis Rey was so highly regarded that it won the highest prize in literature. It remained an enigma to me even after re-reading it again and then again.. The 'sense' of what the book was about eluded me but I was intrigued by it's fame. But I was very much more bothered by my inability to understand it. I wondered often why I couldn't 'get' certain highly regarded books and poems. I remember wondering to myself why I couldn't think of anything different. This seems trivial, but I wondered why I couldn't think of anything 'opposite'.
There's a conversation in a chapter titled, Perhaps An Intention in which an old abbess makes a remark that had caused me to pause over it when I had read it the first time. It's on page 137 and you can read the page in the link above: An old abbess is talking to a visitor from Spain and in the conversation she suddenly says: "I keep thinking something can be done for the insane. ..... I watch them sometimes and it seems to me there is a secret about them, just out of sight, just around the corner.....". It seemed out of context, even somewhat absurd to insert in the conversation. I wondered briefly what the secret might be.
I can't be certain about the timing but soon after reading The Bridge Of San Luis Rey I re-read Childhood's End.
The history of that book was unique in that I remembered vividly that as I'd read the last third of it, I had become so immersed in the story that somehow I seemed embedded in that part of the book. It was titled, The Last Generation. I've had strong effects from certain books when I was in my teens and throughout my life but no other book has ever had this particular quality so that the book and I were one.. As I re-read it the memory of myself reading it the first time returned vividly, although I'd not thought about the book in any particular way after reading it. I felt again the effect it had on me originally.
An unusual situation developed when I read Childhood's End again:
I noticed that at a certain point I read a sentence on page 181, in the chapter titled, The Last Generation but omitted one word. Then noticing the omission, I paused to wonder why I had not read that word!
That sentence is embedded in a paragraph that is a part of a conversation between an alien and a man. The alien speaks: "All through that century the human race was drawing slowly nearer to the abyss, never even suspecting it's existence. Across that abyss, there is only one bridge. Few races unaided have ever found it. Some have turned back while there was still time, avoiding both the danger and the achievement. That would never have been your fate or your fortune. Your race was too vital for that. It would have plunged into ruin and taken others with it, for you would never have found the bridge."
I noticed I'd not read one word, I had omitted the word 'races' as though it was not on the page.
What I had read was: "Few..... unaided have ever found it.", rather than 'Few races unaided have ever found it." Why was the word 'races' omitted? Somehow I could not read the word 'races' in that one sentence! But I was more puzzled by why I wondered to myself about this not too unusual fact.
It was then I felt a faint sense that within my mind there was another reader, looking through my eyes. It was a presence that had been dimly perceived, just a wisp of it as 'poised, waiting' and even searching' for something. I had felt it, just barely there, waiting it seemed to me and I 'felt' when it had recognized this material: "...it is an abyss across which few......unaided have ever found their way." But somehow the word 'races' was not part of what it recognized. Somehow, deliberately, this 'other reader' looking through my eyes, erased one word, which made me curious about why. It seemed very odd that I could not 'read' the word, but could notice it had been omitted!
I felt the presence of this 'other reader' in a way I cannot describe even now. it was so barely there, so faintly sensed but it was somehow observed. What caused me, who normally 'scan read' swiftly to notice this seemingly simple deletion?
I paused over that particular sentence for some moments, re-reading the words on the page but also somehow aware of what was going on in my mind. I wondered silently why I wondered about seeming to avoid reading one word. It was a memorable event.
I recognized that I had felt something faintly visible to me in my mind that had been poised, waiting and expectant then I recognized when it had found what it was looking for because I physically felt or 'sensed' when what was being searched for was found.
In that strange incident what it, this 'searcher within' noticed, was brought to my attention. That may be the only way such an embedded detail (a fragment of a sentence) could have been highlighted and caused to be significant. There was no reason to 'wonder' but that I did 'wonder' was cause to wonder. That's how it seems to me now, more than 2 decades later, (1990+) but at the moment I could not have known all this.
Something happened later that made me very curious. I don't know how much time passed but the fragment of a conversation between an abbess and a visitor from Spain became linked up with those few words in Childhood's End. At some point they occurred spontaneously into my mind for reasons that I could not see.: "..and the insane? .... I watch them sometimes and it seems to me there is a secret about them, just out of sight, just around the corner....It is an abyss across which few....unaided have ever found their way."
The resulting 'sentence' which I did not form myself came into my thought at some point in the late 1970's. The period of 9 years before 1984 was when these events happened. With so much experience behind me now, I realize that the sentence re-occurred into my mind many times before I noticed it and then became curious about it. It happened many times that the thought words "..and the insane? .... I watch them sometimes and it seems to me there is a secret about them, just out of sight, just around the corner....It is an abyss across which few....unaided have ever found their way." scrolled through my mind. I was curious about how those two sentences had formed and now came into my thought.
At this point, I believe the 9 years between 1975 and 1984 were a gentle period of being prepared to ' WAKE UP! NOW!' in July of 1984. The thought, after being formed from the two books, occurred just randomly for no reason. Eventually but not immediately I wondered to myself about that strange re-occurrence. The sentence wafted into my thought, and when that happened it was always accompanied by memories of the very different histories of the two books.
It was rather a large package of memories that accompanied the thought which obviously my own mind had constructed. But it was more obvious to me that my own conscious will had no part it that. I wondered about it, but said nothing aloud about it. A few other memories of quite different incidents had happened in the past that were basically similar to this one, but I did not form a connection to them until the connection was exposed to me in 1989.
The Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain link, and the 'When it came it did not come as it was expected to come' link are about similar incidents.
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It seems to me now, that throughout my life a future event was being built up; there was a preparation for what was going to happen in 1984. This preparation happened in a form that was visible to me by an activity in which my curiosity about what was going on in my own head was being aroused, beginning with an obviously non-self generated sentence.
I have experienced that there is a 'secret' about the 'insane' although it is more than I can describe at this point. It's only somewhat related to C. G. Jung's discovery that religious experience or the lack of it, is at the root of psychiatric therapy. This same 'lack of religious experience' may account for 'science', which William Blake seems to me to have intended to convey when he wrote The False Tongue of Beulah. This is from the back of the copy I have of de Witt James book: "This is the exposition of the tragedy that has befallen the human race, in the form of a vast vertical cleavage of Man's being. How and why this cleavage has take place and the part that Sweet Science (Qabala) plays in closing the breach form the core of the book.) Laura de Witt James, William Blake and The Tree of Life.
I would not be able to understand his poetry but Laura de Witt James made it very nearly easy to understand in her book: William Blake and the Tree of Life. It was a remarkable influence when I read it, there was a distinct effect that created an understanding of what 'projection' is in the phase where it's visible. I believe that phase is only one phase in a continuum shaped somewhat like a moebius band with points of change in perception. In that allegory he had shrieked that Woman will not give man his freedom! because his wife would not let him take a concubine to give him the children she could not. I had witnessed people in my life whose 'projections' on others had amazing effects on the recipients of the mechanism but had not at that point recognized I was the projectee, the recipient so to speak , in my relationship with certain specific people and in specific situations. In those situations other people seemed to be able to read my thoughts, they responded to them. That kind of situation is part of the 'secret about the insane'.
The 'vast vertical cleavage' as I understand it at this point is one he experienced himself, with his wife Catherine. She would not let him take a mistress when it became obvious she could not bear children. "Why, Oh, God, didst thou the feminine will create?" and "Woman will NOT GIVE MAN HIS FREEDOM!" he screamed in his poetry. But he did not take a mistress.
He remained childless but the idea of the psychiatric term 'projection' was made somewhat distinct to me when I read the book. Many incidents happened in my life after 1980, when I began to become more 'engaged' by the process. People I knew and became strangely fascinated by for a few years were (as I found out later) actors, acting out visual examples of how 'projection' as a mechanism of mind can operate. The 'false tongue of Beulah' was Blake's term for what Emanuel Swedenborg probably named the 'goods of truth or the falsities of evil' . William Blake was very much influenced for a time by Swedenborg's writings. So was Carl G. Jung but most authors don't mention that he 'devoured' books by Swedenborg.
I felt forced to name everything and then it became obvious the words I needed seemed to know where on the planet I was.
The word 'coincidence' has never occurred to me, and it does not fit although the word 'synchronization' does fit. When my thought, certain specific thought, met it's match anywhere, there was often a sense of familiarity, at times there was a distinct 'shock', a sense of strangeness, but in a few incidents where was a distinct doubleness.
There is an almost unbelievable synchronization of all facets of the life that is 'integrating' the information, necessary to understand the central idea, the 'script' of that life.
It's an idea that I understood somewhat 25 years later but those 25 years were painful, almost life threatening and overwhelming. My body became an uncomfortable shell somehow during that time. My mind was teeming day and night with activity that would not let me sleep such that almost a decade later when the movie, Sleepless In Seattle came out, I had a rueful laugh because the title described a fact about me. I thought it was about me, somewhat seriously. That's one attribute of being synchronized with events on the planet.
(I repeat this: There have been 3 other very similar events where I noticed what my mind was producing content, of it's own. The link "When it came it did not come as it was expected to come." is an important one. Also I saw my mind operate spontaneously the way the 'pi quake' happened. That kind of event is much more complicated and complex. I couldn't describe it at all until several incidents happened that gave me 'clews'. The movie Mercury Rising has a scene in it where an autistic boy looks at a puzzle. The letters, numbers and symbols on the page shift about and then he goes to the phone, dials a number and says "You are a stranger." He's cracked a code that was supposed to be impossible to crack. The same kind of 'shifting about' happened to me several times, but the first time happened when I read the copyright statement at the back of History of Pi by Petr Beckmann. Then noticed that I 'wondered' about why the number of pi's decimals on two pages, 100,265 was not rounded off to a 'reasonable number', like 100,000; 100,250 or 100,500. Then the first thing I noticed when I looked at the first page of decimals, was 265 and then the astonishing 'pi' quake happened. It revealed an entire thread of memories of experiences that began with my first memory which was of what was in front of me at the moment. It established my location on the planet. But that's an other attribute of the process.
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But the most important fact is that in my physical life at home a situation developed that I had to discover was distinctly related to the 'secret about the insane'. It began with a new, unsuspected kind of 'self replication', an unsuspected form of replication where literally two minds bond into a single mind, but there's nothing but contention in this 'new mind'. A friend of mine used to say "Boy, I'd like to give him a piece of my mind." Well, that can happen, perhaps because there are individuals who have a 'see it my way personality', an impenetrable mind, or perhaps there's another reason for the way two people blend into one. They 'project' quite literally some of their 'self material' to others. This was actually acted out by some friends of ours before I was made aware in 1984 that was the condition in my home.
This isn't unusual; nothing mystical is involved, it's been known as 'participation mystique' as long ago as St. John's Dark Night Of The Soul. It's possible to become enmeshed in a 'cult-like' group without going to church, and this situation began in such a group.
One night in 1988 something happened that caused me to realize where this experience was originating: not in my life, but outside in Time itself. Four years after 1984 I had begun to grasp that the real source of this experience was not in my physical life, it was 'old' and could not have it's origin in my real life situation although it could become visible 'in' it. And this 'local' situation was happening to people other than myself. They said and did many things that gave me the sense they all were aware of and were totally involved in my 'thought worlds' productions'. When those incidents happened I felt really unbalanced, not able to explain how it could seem that they were responding to what was in my thought! Even at times 'telling me' what was in my thought in that depths level where thought scrolled through my mind!
There were relationships in my real world that began to cause me to feel weird, 'surreal' in fact although I would not have used that word then. There were physical causes I believed that explained many different 'effects' that had by 1984 changed every facet of my mind, body, thought, hearing and perception. I had an almost unbearable noise in my head that did not seem to come from ringing in my ears, it was behind my right ear. When I first noticed it my thought was: "Oh, no! Nobody could ever get used to that." and I began to weep tears in such quantity that I could not see how my body could produce them.
A sense of being 'controlled from afar' as though I was a satellite 'dawned' slowly, not in my imagination but when actual events happened over a period of a few years that gave me that idea. Examples: In 1984 I bought a 1979 Datsun 210 station wagon and when I read the license tab ETW651 the first time to get it registered, an automatic association was formed in my mind and I laughed somewhat about it: Extra Terrestrial Woman 651. Another incident happened when I had a computerized picture of myself made of x's and o's. One day. a couple years after the picture had been made, I glanced at the machine generated image of me and the thought occurred to me that I had felt like a machine even then, not like my normal self.
I was noticing a peculiar sense that I could not name for years, and in the most literal way, it actually named itself! The new 'sense' changed every thing in my exterior life but I could not see any real alteration of any 'thing' so at some point I came to think of the change as being entirely within my mind. Whatever it was, it was transparent, and over-laid everything outside of my body, changing every thing, but not really changing any thing at all! There was a subtle interaction in my thought however that caused me to notice either some kind of symbolic relationship, or some relationship to memories from my past, but that's a simplification of a very complicated process. When I understood what the new sense was, I had become aware that it was describing itself to me, naming itself even and also had named me specifically.
I will have to describe how that was done!
An almost unbearable sense of grief had begun to grip me one night in the early 1980's, but it was somehow connected to a real person that I barely knew so I could not understand why I felt that degree of grief. Although that person was a stranger I had an almost irresistible attraction towards him, I eventually felt a need to get to know him that I could not explain. He had become the focus of my attention after a short dream that was unlike any I 'd ever had before. After the dream, 'thought' about this man moved constantly through my mind day and night for years. I wondered to myself about how my mind could generate that much thought about one man.
But I said nothing about the content of the dream or the dream itself for reasons I had to experience before I understood my silence. Many experiences had to happen before I knew there are real 'depths of mind' into which at that point I could see/listen to, and that 'depths' carried the band of thought but I could not not express it's content in words, they were not 'words' yet! It was work that I would not have expected to have to do, to bring that content into a location where they could be written then spoken! By 1987 I had begun to notice, or suspect in a barely sensed way that the thing was explaining itself in a chaotic way but somehow using what was in front of me at times in a way that at first I didn't pay much attention towards. The kind of non-self generated, reoccurring thought that I noticed after having read the two books, had already been brought to a level of awareness where I noticed them in the late 1970's. There had been a few reoccurring memories that flashed into my mind, I had begun just barely noticing them and wondering to myself about why they had reoccurred throughout my life when I was in my late forties. When I read The Bridge Of San Luis Rey, only then was I wondering to myself about them. But I did not connect those 'random regenerations' of an event from my past, to the incident in which my mind created it's own sentence and began to regenerate it periodically. I noticed it without connecting it to anything I'd ever experienced previously. The connection between them emerged slowly. These 'regenerated memories' were I believe described as 'remains' by Emanuel Swedenborg in his writings, in his 'doctrine of Remains.
This 25 years was a trip through the mind, through a mental space which was an unsuspected world within me. It began with my noticing how this particular idea was formed in my thought, and how this was accomplished in a visible process by a purpose filled 'will' other than my own' over more a span of time not of days, weeks, months or even years. A decades long event unfurled slowly as though (and this thought actually occurred to me one night in 1982,) I was seeing a miracle, slowed down so that I could watch it.
One night in 1982, it began: "I am in a room full of teenagers." I didn't understand why as I looked around the room a thought that I was in a room full of teenagers came into my mind. What followed that thought was a new kind of experience.
Much followed that one thought: "This is impossible. How on Earth will I ever explain this? And who on Earth will ever believe me?" Then a sense of words occurred, not actual words, that I was seeing a miracle slowed down in Time so that I would watch it as it happened. The 'sense of words' occurred, faintly, barely sensed along with a vivid memory of something that had happened actually when I was about 13 years old. The memory was complete: Of myself when I was entering a new school, entering Junior High School. Our family had moved and I was going into Junior High School but not in the town where I'd gone to grade school. I was angry, lonely and watching a playground of children when one of my new class mates came to me. She introduced herself and made me feel less lonely. The memory of that retrieved event was as vivid as the real event although it flashed into my mind briefly and was embedded in quite a lot of material. Quite a mass of 'thought content' followed the question that had occurred into my mind: "Who on Earth will believe me?" An answer to that question was given although I understood it not at all for many event filled years. Because it was the first of it's kind I understood not a whit of what it meant. There was a direct relationship between that 'batch' of memories and what was beginning at that point: I was entering a new school, a 'friend' had come to introduce itself, and in a real way I was in a room full of adolescents. There was a 'symbolic statement' being 'said' to me in that batch of memories and the new thought.
That evening in 1982 was the first real mindquake; it was an apparent preliminary event but it was critical in that it happened where it happened, away from my home and was not connected to people in my home or the situation in which I and several other individual were enmeshed. There was a situation that was quite real, two groups of square dancers were 'leaving the mainstream level' and going into advanced and challenge levels. We were shunned by our 'mainstream' clubs and there was a situation that was causing me to feel stifled, unable to say something I wanted to say, because what I wanted to say was literally unspeakable. I felt this man and his wife believed I had a 'crush' on him, when in fact I felt an unexplainable interest in him but a dreadfully painful sense of pity. The situation had begun by 1982 to make me feel very strange at times. I felt as though the world floor was suddenly Jello more and more frequently. .
At that point (it was a years long point) I literally felt 'unbalanced', unable to remain erect at such times. Not wanting to embarrass myself, I had to find many ways to keep up the 'normal' conversations or activities required in that specific situation, which was the only place this 'stage' could have been set, that I realize now. That night as I looked around the room, I'd already begun to experience a 'new kind of event' in which precise timing of something I said or thought about, related to what was in front of me in a most amazing way.
There was as well a new kind of experience of myself. I felt nearly inert at times. Now the word 'comatose' as to my own will seems to be appropriate.
I could not hope to describe then that a 'distance' had been installed somehow between myself and what I was doing, saying and thinking so that my body had become a kind of object, without tangibility, but what I was doing was observable to me, as though I were both actor and audience. The best description I can give now is one I had to discover very slowly, I had become visible to myself, psychologically, mechanisms of mind that created 'self observation' in that first phase was really at work. I was viewing what was going on in a 'once removed' way. I was already watching what was going on in my mind without awareness of that fact, after the short extremely vivid dream began to generate a nonstop stream of thought about the dream and one of the two persons in it. I had become sleepless literally, and was beginning to seeing a new effect that changed everything subtly, even what I heard, saw or thought, and how I felt.
At that point I was urgently involved in trying to prove to someone who thought I was finally 'over the edge' that I was not crazy. That was what compelled me to try to understand what was going on, to prove that I had not finally 'gone over the edge', to someone whose main focus in life had been that he wanted truth, and only truth.
Somehow I became to the same focus, wanting the truth, only the truth.
In trying to respond to what was going on in my actual home, as well as this new situation in which certain people began to give evidence in their speech and what they were doing in their lives at that point in Time, that they knew what I was thinking about, I became enmeshed in events that had their origin outside of Time itself, I believe.
This event involving re-reading two books happened in the 9 years prior to 1984. It was a period when a gradual 'wake up' process was initiated.
(Later I became aware that the kind of 'event' in which I noticed myself wondering about a seemingly trivial detail had happened before in my mind .Actually there were several such events. The first time had been when I was about 9 years old, when I wondered to myself about why a Sunday School teacher used the pronoun 'it' rather than 'him'. She was telling her version of the birth of Jesus and that event was certainly important, critically important. The misplaced pronoun, trivial as it may seem to be was evidence to me when it was pointed out to me later, that this event was not created by my self, it was observed by me, given from some other source. The only way such events could be identified was by implications and even those had to be pointed out to me later. Another event was the Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain event.
The first mindquake happened in 1984, another built from it and what I learned during the five years after 1984, happened in 1989 . That event was so surprising, and almost hilarious in where I was when it happened. It reflected backwards in my life to 1982 and linked up with the way my Sunday school teacher told her version of the birth of Jesus and used an impersonal pronoun rather than a masculine 'he'. I was also made aware of many other important points that I'd not noticed: I had been 'told' my name, I had learned that the symptoms on my medical chart were what Jung had named 'meaningful coincidence', and that they were really 'messages', not delusional associations. Emanuel Swedenborg's writings had been the primary material in learning about the 'literal sense' and the 'symbolic correspondences' that related to his process of 'regeneration'. His terms were precisely accurate!
I had not recognized the 1982 event as a smaller mindquake when it had happened although I had a vivid memory of it. In 1989 that it was a preparation was clearly revealed, that it have been an 'initiatory event'. That prevented me from attributing the source of these experiences to people in my life or real world causes, it proved there had been foresight, although I barely recognized that. I had been outraged at something my husband was doing that made my life wretched, and he seemed to be the 'controller', in charge of the painful problems in our life. However it was revealed that although it was through him that my experiences began, the source was not him except that he'd been affected in a certain way by an experience he'd had when he was about 18 years old. That event had shaped our lives afterwards, but his attitude about that event had altered very much at spans of about 9 years duration. It seemed for years after 1984 that he consciously had caused the situation between us to happen just when 1984 was advancing. There was a problem I wouldn't have suspected and it took a long time to discover it: there was no memory of many important details in his conscious mind. When I began to connect my 1984 event with the one he'd had when he was just 18 or so, and tried to talk about it, his attitude was that is was insignificant, not worth talking about. It became obvious that a kind of other person lived in the same body that had memory, but incomplete memory of the past. As time passed and events happened it became obvious that the experiences that I thought he had consciously brought about, were passing through him. That was true as well in relationships to certain other people I knew at that point in Time!
That was difficult to accept even when I understood it. It was not easy to understand this idea, it required years and much more information to understand. The 'Rashomon' effect in every day life prevents real communication between people.
The biggest problem I've had was that the people who were most intimately involved with me at that time, could not validate anything, for reasons that even now make me believe the word 'deny' does not describe the kind of 'forgetting' or 'loss of memory' that was involved. That kind of 'denial' is the opposite of a hallucination, it is a deletion from reality although I suspect the surface personality of almost everyone has to go through what I've lived through to get connected to the content that's 'deleted' or not seen until the process develops some degree of attention and interest. Its' a more similar to a deletion from reality by the 'other within' that looks through my eyes now. It's a distinct now, not like it was in the beginning, when it was a subtle presence.
The second 1989 mindquake, which I named my 'pi quake' reflected back to very early life events, exposing a hidden stream of preparation very early in life. There were also strings of related events that I had noticed but not to the extent they were explained in this succession of 'mindquakes'.
The second 1989 was almost an electric shock. It began when I noticed that I paused to wonder about a trivial seeming detail in a copyright statement at the end of Petr Beckmann's book, The History Of Pi. I wondered why a number, '100,265 decimals of pi' had not been rounded off to 100,000 or 100,250, or even 100,500. Somehow the choice of 100,265 seemed odd. Then I glanced at the first row of decimals on the first of two pages of pi's decimals and in a glance noticed '265' in the first 10 decimals. Within a flash of time, I saw my mind's activities clearly as it went to work on the first rectangle of decimals, and displayed to me, arrangements that I knew immediately not one other person but me would ever have seen.
There had been several events happen in the few months prior to this day, in which certain numbers had become distinct, they were ordinary every day events, trivial seeming as all these other seemingly trivial events that I've attempted to describe. ) The recent movie, Number 23 is about the same kind of trivial seeming events that focused my attention first on 651, then 156, then eventually on 265 and 256 a few months before the pi quake. Each event was a surprise, nothing that I expected or looked for.
The titles of two other books that affected me very, very much are significant now, so I want to mention two of them: Of Human Bondage, by Somerset Maugham had been a radio screen play that entranced me. There was no movie of The Magnificent Obsession by Lloyd C. Douglas when I read it although I seem to remember a radio show about 'Dr. Hudson's Secret Journal. I was utterly fascinated with the unfolding of the mystery of Dr. Hudson's Secret Journal. Those two books also contained ideas that related to my future, which of course I didn't know until the future had become my past. There is a distinct relationship of the past to the future in the kind of experiences I've had since 1984 although it's 2006 at this point in Time. I've only realized within the past 5 years that the 9 years prior to 1984 were the most important in regard to what happened in 1984, I read almost constantly when I had time, and I often read a book in a few hours although that has changed radically. That is probably because I read fiction books and magazines, tending towards reading science fictions, westerns by Zane Grey, and The Hardy Boys series.
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The 'central idea' began with it's formation in my mind, long before I could speak about it to anyone. It began early in my life but it was revealed through my finding those two books that I'd previously read, when I was in my mid forties. The idea was embedded in those two books. It was hidden, an unknown and unsuspected idea to the person I was when I was in my mid forties, but something in me was initiated gradually at that point, that knew where and when to cooperate with the 'force' that knew where to find certain text in the two books. Then I was witness to how a function of mind that was not under my control went to work, creating a sentence, then bringing that sentence into focus, alongside the fact that I knew I had not created it myself. I believe C. G. Jung named that function as the 'transcendental function' that operated the way a mathematical function works. Odd to write Sigmund Freud seems to have recognized such a function although he didn't name it.
This is the quotation I noticed recently: "Often in explaining his ideas Freud resorts to analogies or conceptions from the physical world. Another conception of his is “that among the psychic functions there is something which should be differentiated (an amount of affect, a sum of excitation), something having all the attributes of a quantity—although we possess no means of measuring it—a something which is capable of increase, displacement and discharge and which extends itself over the memory traces of an idea like an electric charge over the surface of the body…for the present it is justified by it’s utility in correcting and explaining diverse psychical conditions. Collected papers, Vol I, p.75"
Freud did not name this function as the 'transcendental function' which Jung did describe as being a function similar to a mathematical function, but I believe this is an accurate description of the transcendental function: "capable of increase, displacement and discharge and which extends itself over the memory traces of an idea 'like' an electric charge over the surface of the body...that's an encyclopedia of implication. That function sorts out, creates significance, importance and relationship in the process of self observation, and life re-view, it brought my central idea to my attention over a span of decades, sorting it out from millions of books, trillions of words.
Over the next 10 years (1979/1989) this function of mind worked in a visible way, and taught me to recognize that the information necessary to understand the 'idea' was somehow 'lit up', I experienced some degree of effect, widely varying. Only the mindquakes made it possible to realize that a new form of language had to be learned and that basically the 'discoverers' of psychiatry had experienced it beginning with interpretation of dreams, then finding meaning in 'every day pathology'. I was surprised to learn that every day pathology was 'forgetting, slips of the tongue, mistakes, jokes (!!??). If I'd not had the mindquakes and the re-occurring memories I'm sure I would not be writing about the Larger Domain and how it began to make it's presence so distinct to me.
Then with my particular history it became obvious that a mechanical process was operating in a most unexpected form and was generating a self teaching language. It is not like anything I've ever read about, it is completely unlike anything I've ever read in any non-fiction authors' books but its suggested in Emanuel Swedenborgs' very repetitious writings He described symbolic correspondences in several forms. I do the same repeating myself.
But this part of me, this particular observing point within me, was also hidden because all activity in one's mind is not accessible immediately; some events happen in the mind that are visible but somehow are viewed as from a great distance from conscious awareness of them. The first half of my life was 'viewed' from that distance. The first mindquakes happened in that location, visible but not articulatable.
Such events advance into a nearer state of awareness, and that is a fact I had to notice over a period of time that was as much as several decades. And there is quite a variety of inner content. That also had to be discovered.
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It's a very complex idea that 'evolved over a long period of time' and it came to me through a process of abstraction that I had to discover (or recognize) since it has always been operating in a hidden vein of experience in my life. The process of 'abstraction' is not new at all, any book that has a lengthy bibliography at the end of it is almost certainly the result of the same kind of experiences. Last weekend I browsed through a book that weighs about 3 pounds that had a bibliography of 122 pages. And many pages of endnotes. The authors wrote about manic depressive disorder. The 3 pound book was abstracted from many other books.
Using all definitions of the word 'abstraction' to understand what I mean, the process created it's own words, in a language I did not originally know, using memories from my past that were quite specific, as well as what was in front of my eyes quite often, as 'content', while it illustrated the emerging idea.
These paragraphs speak everything that needs to be understood:
The following remarkable paragraph is abstracted from "War In Heaven" by Charles Williams' fictional book. I'd read the book through already and not noticed this paragraph, then later I don't remember exactly what caused me to pick up the book again and browse through it. But this time I noticed one paragraph and recognized in the words that it describes so precisely a process, and with the deletion of a few words, it's exact opposite condition. I want to make a point about a function of mind that can be thought about as the 'abstract sense'. It's a kind of mental highlighter. Read the paragraph through ignoring the underlined words. Then read only the underlined words that have been abstracted out.
"When Mr. Batesby had spoken that morning it had seemed as if two streams of things actual events and his own meditations had flowed gently together; as if not he but Life were solving the problem in the natural process of the world. He reminded himself now that such a simplicity was unlikely; explanations did not lucidly arise from mere accidents and present themselves as all but an ordered whole."
This is a precise description of the process of life hidden behind the shadow of ordinary 'rational' experience that 'abstracts out' certain unique content, particular to the life of that individual: The underlined words describe the process, which is really not different I believe than the process authors use to create a bibliography. The author has read many books but only certain content 'registered' or fitted into the authors' needs. In this case the words: 'actual events and his own meditations flow gently together', is a description of the process of assembling the 'idea' that I became aware of in observing what was going on in my mind, since it was a visible process also, and distinctly separate from what was outside of my eyes and body, for several years anyway. Arthur Koestler uses different words in his nonfictional book, The Roots of Coincidence but he writes about the same idea:
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"There exists a type of phenomenon even more mysterious than telepathy or precognition which has puzzled man since the dawn of mythology: the seemingly accidental meeting of two unrelated causal chains in a coincidental event which appears both highly improbable and highly significant." Of course the phenomenon has only become popular recently, after quantum level physics was brought down to the human level. See the article about Arthur H. Compton, published in 1932. It was the news of my birthdate: 1-2-1932.
It began when fragments from two different books had been joined into a single 'thought' that emerged into my mind without any intent or purpose of mine.
The 'idea' was told to me, in a language I had to learn to understand from a state of innocence. It is a pattern and it's process as well as it's content are a package that I believe now was initiated almost from the moment I was born. The complete package included an apparent fore knowledge of the future, not only mine but many individuals whose active participation startled me almost to a state of overwhelm, when it became obvious to me. These individuals actually told me what I didn't know myself. There was an active and ongoing 'enactment' for several years by people who gave every evidence of knowing what I had not said anything about to anyone, what I was thinking about. I don't believe it's non-verbal communication but something that looks like 'mind reading' does occur. There are 'bonds' that we don't know that much about between people, events, words, sounds, circumstances but in 2010 we seem to be edging towards recognizing them in families, groups, marriages etc.
The 'level' of mind where I was 'thinking', and 'wondering' about what was going on in my mind, and my life, seemed to be clearly known by several people. They may have learned the same language as it developed in me, in my mind an awareness of the idea as well as the information necessary to understand it. I can't talk to some important people, although I remember trying to do that when I wanted to prove to my self what I seemed to hear. Some individuals are no longer alive. Whether they have learned somewhat the same thing I have may have happened, we are talking about untouchable ideas everywhere now. That does not seem to have happened to everyone my age. There's nothing unspeakable now.
The important fact is that the words I needed astonished me by seeming to know where on Earth I was, although I had to discover they were coming to me in a form I could not have expected or understood myself. I've had several mini mindquakes and not realized they were bundles of information that was unwrapped so to speak, just when I was reading or seeing something quite specific. What was in front of me triggered the event.
For Example: When I read Ralph Waldo Emerson's The Oversoul I read "What is meant for thee, even now wings towards thee..." and I felt in my body an unfamiliar and un-articulatable (at that point) sense that the words had been somehow turned towards me, said directly to me as a person would speak them. There were three distinct paragraphs in that essay that as I read them, generated what I now realize was a kind of 'influx' that caused me to understand several events that had happened in my past, that I had not understood.
There are individuals who have experienced the same pattern I did, but I didn't know them or anything about the pattern or it's processes. It taught itself, all of it, after it 'sorted the idea out' from where it was hidden so to speak, in two books from which a mind generated sentence was given to me to wonder about, in the 9 years prior to 1984.
The process and the pattern had been actively at work, it really governed the activities and the passivities in the life of someone very close to me, whom I met in 1952. I mentioned almost as an afterthought when it was more important than anything that happened to me. This man had an experience in his late teens, which he had mentioned only obliquely as 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker', and he had been told (as he put it himself) everything he would ever need to know in that event. The effect of this event on him as well as the name he gave to it, i.e. 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker' formed the background from which my idea really grew.
The fact that the effects of this 'singular event' that happened in about 1950 when through 'stages' that were marked only by a certain offhand remark here and there is one I cannot hope to prove. There were points of change that were about 9 years apart and it was only when I began to have my own experiences, which I did not relate to his experiences 'under the apple tree' for several years after 1984, that I began to link my events to his, and then to the even remote past. The first man to write about the strange interaction of oppositions from within which was almost certainly Hesiod, but he wasn't the only man that wrote that the 'muses could speak the truth or what SEEMS TO BE THE TRUTH.
Within 4 years after 1984 I had two 'strands of understanding' in my mind when I saw, heard or thought about anything. One was my 'normal understanding' that had not changed, but the second 'strand' had grown from a kind of 'event' that had begun to happen in my life, seeping in very occasionally in connection with a very distinct and isolated situation that had developed while two small groups of people that we belonged to, struggled to 'leave the mainstream level' of square-dancing.
I don't like the word 'ignorance' and it is not accurate; I was innocent about almost everything other than what I'd learned in a small town education through high school and growing up without exposure to many educated people.
There are 'singular events' that happened when I was less than 13 years old that are more than adequate proof to me that foresight exists in our life. Those events can never be validated by scientific processes unless details such as I have given in this introduction are brought out. Forms as well as content in every day life are the important aspects of such events as I've tried to write about. There's nothing magical or mystical, it's basically about the idea that religions are about whether we are alone in the universe. Christianity differs from other religions in one fact, and it came to me after reading a book, The Lord of Thought by Emmett and Dougall. The authors tried to isolate the difference between Jesus and other religious figures. After closing it and a Katrina-like hurricane of information swarmed into my mind that exposed many ideas about Jesus life that the authors had not come close to implying. The most important idea was that only this one religious authority had focused on a 'kingdom of heaven', a 'father in heaven' and that it is 'within you'. C. G. Jung mentioned somewhat hesitantly the 'world within' and he wrote only two books (that I know about at this point) that give any information about what he heard and experienced from the part of his depths of mind personality that interfaced with that world.
I was born in 1932, January 2. Isaac Asimov was born January 2. I read science fiction when I was a very young girl, because my father read them, although he hid them so I had to hunt for them then read them secretly. Isaac Asimov's book, The End of Eternity is about a programmer that had access to Time the way we have access to any location on the planet now. It was his responsibility to make the changes necessary to create the future and to do that he traveled 'up when' and 'down when' the way we travel in a material world. I feel a bit strange when I remember walking through the Seattle Center the day I noticed the two books laying just at eye level. What person put them together, so conveniently? I also have to feel more than a bit strange when I remember walking into a used book store that was just preparing to open. Stacks of books were waiting to be shelved and in a glance I noticed a beautiful sky blue book with gold embossed title on the spine: THE WEAVER OF DREAMS. I asked if I could see it and the owner graciously took it from the pile and handed it to me. It was a perfectly preserved copy of a book authored in 1911, just pristinely clean and as though it had never been opened. I bought the book and began to read it. On page 175 I had my first encounter with words that literally shocked me for no reason I could see.
It's a bit more than 25 years since I read those paragraphs that were abstracted out of a book at a specific point in time. The words described the event that had just happened and was still happening. It's that kind of an event. The words in those paragraphs described exactly what was happening to me in my real life. It may be DNA/RNA but it's that specific.
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The 'oversoul' idea is a single idea moving through Time as 'religion' and it's one I would never have managed to understand with my own intelligence. The basic idea about religion is whether we are alone in the universe. Such an idea would require thousands of years to evolve, yet in some form it would be carried steadily forwards, continuing through thousands of generations of lives, remaining basically intact during it's passage through Time. Again I repeat it's so complex and so embedded in 'history' that I would never have managed to understand or identify it's form hidden and embedded as it is in every day life, with my own intelligence. Information and experience that is necessary for me to understand it was brought before me. I had to not only name every 'bit of information' eventually the way Adam had to do, it was necessary first to discover how information was being put in front of me in my life and recognize also that the words came to me in books that were precisely timed to 'synchronize' exactly with what was happening in my life.
Religion itself is about whether we are alone in the universe. We are not. It may be impossible to settle whether there was a Divine creator, whether there is 'intelligent design' at work, but it's not impossible to prove there is intelligent operation at work in the individual's life. I know because I've had proof of it, that every moment in my life, every thought that I ever had occur into my mind, whether it was self generated or 'inserted' from an 'other than my own self', can be retrieved, singly or in strings that tell a story the way a movie does. But that happens in a flash of Time so small that I cannot hope to describe how much information can be conveyed in a minute segment of a second.
I did not read this in a book, I had to become aware that 'thought' can occur into the mind that I don't generate and it's not available for articulation at all without a long and difficult attempt to 'capture' that content, hold it in mind long enough to write even one word of it down." Racing thoughts' don't really speed by, they scroll along in a depths of mind level. Although it's visible thought content. it is not speakable, it literally is unspeakable when it is initiated. It is visible content, but not close to speech. Emanuel Swedenborg is the only author I've read that comes close to implying there are levels in the mind and that some speech falls into words.
I understood what the 'idea' was basically about by the mid 1990's. It's still building. I've had 4 major 'mindquakes', without having any way to relate them to the first one immediately, it didn't happen to me. It happened to someone that didn't get connected with the source, but that seems to have been necessary.
When the second one happened in 1989 I had traversed enormous inner space between unsuspected thought generating 'bodies'/ or levels within my mind. Then I could relate to such 'influxes' when it happened. I could understand it immediately and that was not true of the first one in 1984. Although each was visible as 'thought' content, and basically without imagery of any kind other than retrieved memories, and each occurring spontaneously and suddenly in my mind, the distance between the first and those that happened in 1989 and later was the most difficult to establish. The difference was a simple seeming difference: an ability to speak, write and describe what had happened, NOW, when it happened.
The timing, the utterly perfect timing itself was a factor I could not have created myself, or even imagined could be designed by any 'intelligence'. It was so difficult to form a relationship between my most private unspoken 'thought' that was newly visible thought, with what was at the same moment moment outside of my body. That happened quite often, often enough that I began to notice that direct relationship. It happened more often than can be 'accidental' or the result of randomness!
I repeat this to emphasize what I mean: In 1982 I was waiting in a square dance formation for the evening's lessons to begin. As I looked around the room, seeing mostly middle aged couples a thought came into my mind along with many memories from my past. The thought was: "This is impossible. How on Earth will I ever explain this? And who will ever believe me?" One memory was vividly retrieved, a memory I'd forgotten until that moment. I was standing alone and felt very lonely at the edge of the playground at recess in a new town. I was entering a new school and I felt sick with disappointment because I'd looked forwards to 'going up stairs' in the town I'd always lived in. All 12 grades were in one building, the junior high school and high school classes were held upstairs A girl in my new class came over and introduced herself, then began to ask me questions about myself. By the end of recess I felt less lonely.
The memory of a point in time when I was 'entering a new school', when a stranger approached me, introducing herself and making me feel less lonely was so vivid, that I relieved it in a flash of time. I didn't understand why it was retrieved until about 5 or 6 years later. The content of the memory was intended to be a kind of 'description' provided to me in 1982, to tell me what was happening now, at the moment. I was entering a new school, a very unique kind of introduction to a new life was contained in all of the memories that were retrieved. The answer to the questions that had occurred into my mind was given, but I would have to write for a long time to convey what was in that fraction of a second. Overall, I was given information about how nobody would listen to me except people who would charge a lot of money for their time. I knew nothing about psychiatry then, and I did not suspect so much money changes hands without touching mine, through insurance companies, doctors, hospitals, etc. I had walked into the world of the 'money changers', much of whose livelihood depended on the kinds of problems I'd begun to experience. People who don't read as much as I have read do not suspect that they may need to learn more in the way I have been led by the situations in my life to learn.
It's October 2006 at this point in Time.
I had to discover (recognize is a more appropriate word) that every fragment of it was being brought to my attention; then also was led to recognize that a process was at work and a language that taught itself, was a built in component of the process itself! A pattern I'd somehow recognized when I was very young was the foundation of the process. It was a pattern in which men, it was always a man foresaw the 'end of the world' was at hand. In 1941 only newspapers and one radio was available to me. I heard stories about religious leaders who became convinced the 'end of the world' was going to happen, and they knew how to be saved. There was within my mind a kind of 'knowledge' or distant awareness of whatever was said about this pattern that can't be explained very simply.
I was not religious, nobody in our family was really religious. I didn't feel there was any lack of meaning in my life because I knew so little about history, nothing about philosophy. The foundation for the idea evolved, coming to my attention in the 9 years prior to1984. It was literally abstracted from it's embedded-ness in two books by a mental process that was subtle, but visible to me. There were other facets of my mind and a few memories of incidents that had happened when I was very young that were part of the process. Swedenborg described them as 'remains', P. D. Ouspensky mentioned he'd experienced 're-occurring memories' and mine had come to my attention because they re-occurred or were 'regenerated' in my mind for no reason I could see.
The culmination of more than 60 years came as an almost overwhelming surprise to me in 1989, when I was made aware in a way that cannot be doubted that my location on this planet, what I was doing and even my name had been 'said back' to me in a form that is part of the pattern that had been brought to my attention when I was growing up. In 2000 I went back to the hill in Indiana and had an experience there that removes all doubt that my location on this planet is known to an intelligence other than my onw.
. The 'central idea' emerged over a long period of Time but the main theme began to develop when I was in my mid forties. That was in the 1970's. Every idea begins by being born in a body, at least that's what I believe at this point in Time, and the task of that life is to discover the idea, but this is accomplished in a way science will not easily validate. But it can be validated that foresight exists.
