My first glimpse of it (1982 as best I can date it) generated a thought that it was a miracle. My second glimpse of it generated a thought that it was a miracle slowed down, stretched out in Time, so that I could watch it happen. That is what it was. A miracle stretched out in Time and slowed down in Time, so that I could notice details that I had never noticed in my life and watch the advent of a change that changed not only my life, but life on this planet Earth. The advent of the 'voice' that I began to hear was concealed behind the approaching 1984 Olympic Games played in Los Angeles.
My third glimpse of it generated the thought: "This is impossible. I don't believe another person but me would ever understand this. How on Earth will I ever explain this? Who on Earth will ever believe me?" This thought, which I do not believe I generated myself was followed by a mass of information in the form of certain specific memories abstracted from my past. But there was also 'new' material, that I experienced somehow without 'thought words' about what was happening at the moment, as well as what was going to happen. The passing of time and events that happened made it obvious the future was part of that event, when it happened. It was a seamless package, everything came as a single bundle that had to be 'sorted out' and 'categorized' in the next 25 years. All that happened was mental, but it was visible although it was 'given' in a form and in a location that I did not recognize until later was in a different location, a great distance from the kind of perception I acquired during the next 7 years. It was visible but remote from consciousness. The part that was visible remained firmly in memory afterwards because in 1989 another event happened that drew this 1982 event into very great significance. It was a critically important event. The circumstances of that night were quite specific but at that point the 'strange flow of events' had barely begun to be noticeable.
It is important to keep in mind that the new kind of experiences began that night, and eventually they created an almost overwhelming confusion until I realized what was happening. What was happening was that a kind of conversation had been created in a way I had to notice, dimly at first, then become aware was creating 'words' in a quite complex, but highly abstract language. Events and circumstances, and their very specific content at the time, as well as the spoken or written words were united and were the new 'word'. The language is one that does not require any knowledge of the past at first, because it is complete in itself I have very good reasons to believe.
My mind and body were not my 'normal' by then, but I believed the causes were due to real world problems: a complete hysterectomy late in 1979; an uninsured fire caused many problems in my marriage. The problems associated with it then a terrible blow on my head in an automobile accident early in 1981 seemed to have caused brain damage, because so much was changed in my 'head'. After some time I felt that somehow I was not in control, that something else was driving me: it was a real force, a drive in my body to do things that would restore the losses of my 'normal' habits. I noticed many changes, but not immediately because everything was changed. A band of 'thought' about a dream (The Dream), had begun moving through my mind before that night in 1982. .
It was not self generated thought I believe now but in 1982/3 such words as 'self generated' would have seemed like nonsense to me and have no meaning. I watched and listened to the 'event' that night without knowing at that point, that it was emerging from a separate memory, an extremely remote location, from a place where I could not relate to it other than to hear/see the content when it emerged. It emerged further yet than The Dream; it was a much greater distance from a point where I could speak even one word about it to myself! Or to anyone else.
The significance of this event was such that it was literally critical to the success of what was going to happen in the future, beginning as it did in every day situations in my ordinary life with people, some of whom I would not have suspected were not ordinary, psychiatrically speaking. And I knew nothing about psychiatric ideas in 1982-3 except that I had a name only familiarity with some of Sigmund Freud's ideas.
Without any warning that within the mind, there exist locations that can be 'looked into/ listened from', even spoken from but not 'heard' or 'seen' by one's own ears and eyes a new kind of information about my future and what was just at that point beginning to emerge was given to me while I stood waiting for a square-dance class to begin, glancing around the room.
For the first time I noticed certain details in people in the room that I could have noticed before but had not. Then a flow of 'inner events' began, followed rapidly with the 'thought words': "This is impossible. I don't believe another person but me would ever understand this. How on Earth Will I ever explain this? Who will ever believe me?" Much happened between the first 'glance' and the thought words.
The first inner 'event' was to notice a woman in the room whose bright, but somehow empty eyes and darting head movements brought forth a picture of hens in our barnyard. Following was a memory of a certain day in my life when a certain event had happened but which I'd not thought about even once after it happened: My family had moved to a nearby town and I had just begun junior high school in a new school in a new town. I was angry because I'd looked forward to going 'up the stairs' in the school I'd attended for the first 6 grades. The entire building housed grades 1 thru 12 in the small town of Roachdale, Indiana where I'd lived. The memory that was retrieved was of myself, alone, angry, watching children play when a girl in my new class came over to talk to me. The content that was retrieved was re-lived because I felt again exactly how I'd felt then. She was friendly, introducing herself (Maybeth Todd; she died of diabetes when she was 26 years old) then asking me about myself so that I felt less lonely. That memory was retrieved and although I could not have used the word I use now to describe it, the memory was re-generated, replayed complete with how I felt.
A thought emerged into my mind: "I am in a room full of teenagers." Looking around at the people in the room, most of whom were in 40 to 60 years old, a few were older than that. It should have seemed absurd that they were teen aged, but the thought was not evaluated by me, it just emerged and the event moved on.
After that one image, many other retrieved memories from my past flowed in preceding the thought: "This is impossible. I don't believe another person but me would ever understand this. How on Earth Will I ever explain this? And Who will ever believe me?" Immediately following was an answer to the question: attorneys, doctors, psychiatrists, people whom I would have to pay to listen to me.
One particular part of this content, prior to the thought questions was a few words I'd never read anywhere at that point in Time. These words were attached (as I had to come to understand much later) to another memory that was simultaneously retrieved then replayed in this enormous but seamless 'batched' package of inner content. The words that emerged were sensed as barely words, but they were distinct: enough: "...the importance of an observer'. The memory that followed was attached to it. This was an event that had happened when I was about 9 years old but I'd forgotten it had happened until it was retrieved and replayed. I re-experienced the event just as it had happened. That retrieved memory, briefly was this: I was 9 years old when my grandmother tossed a mass of tangled rose colored crochet twine onto my tummy. She had unraveled a big ruffled doily she'd crocheted with her rheumatoid hands. As she tossed it onto my tummy ( I was laying on her sofa) she told me to find the end of it and without cutting or breaking the thread wind it into a ball. Then she could make something new from the old. I remember that I did manage to untangle the knots and without cutting or breaking the thread, wind the tangled mass into a ball.
The words 'the importance of an observer' and the memory was a single unit, although this was not evident for several years. (Those few words met their exact match a few years later in a book that I chanced to read, "Other Worlds" by Paul Davies. Other Worlds was the first book I read about quantum level physics, probably in 1987. When I read them I felt a 'funny' sense of familiarity, a faint sense of having known them already, which was true. They had been 'in the package' and were associated with a specific real world event, the memory of something my grandmother had said and done.)
The memory of that event, which I had never thought about after it happened was unlike a few other incidents that re-occurred at times for no reason I could ever understand. It was clearly displayed in my mind but it meant nothing to me. Many other memories of myself in the past followed that particular memory:: of myself walking along a street in our town, wondering to myself if my presence anywhere made anything happen, or if my seeing something made anything happen. I had often wondered to myself along that vein of thought, but there were many memories of myself being late for some reason when I went somewhere, and I wondered to myself what was changed in my future by that kind of 'change'.
There is one fact about what I'm going to write concerning what happened the night I had my first glimpse of 'it' that I have to make distinct immediately: This is a description of an 'event' that happened one night in 1982, and it occurred within a few minutes of time. This event was not like anything I'd ever experienced in the past, it was the first of it's kind. Although I remembered it afterwards I did not at the time understand what this event meant. I cannot relate it in a strictly linear form, just as it happened because when it happened as I said, I didn't know what it was. It was a critical event that I needed in the future. The fact that the content of this event was 'given' before it was needed is a fact that points towards evidence there is an intelligence other than my own that knew what was going to happen in the future. I'm certain of that, that there is an intelligence other than 'commonly experienced' that prepares for the future, by installing such events in the past, in such a way as can be identified by the individual at least, as 'given' to and not contrived by that individual because so many other individuals, living and no longer living are involved.
When this 1982 event happened I was standing in a square-dance formation, waiting for the caller to finish explaining a movement. As I looked around the room, my mind produced a batch of content, a seamless unit, a kind of packaged content that included memories from my past that I'd forgotten until that moment as well as other material that was new to me.
That was in 1982...An unsuspected by me drama was well under way by then but I was not aware that it had begun in 1975 with my becoming aware of certain habits I had as well as my noticing, then wondering to myself, about certain memories of a few events that had happened when I was less than a teenager, had flashed into my mind briefly, re-occurring for no reason I could understand. The re-occurring memories had specific content that also was intended for future uses.
The 1982 event was aimed towards the future 1984 which was a year singled out specifically by a book published in 1948, by Eric Blair/George Orwell. This was a ten day period, July 31 thru August 11, 1984 when the Olympic Games were being played in Los Angeles but also it was just a beginning to situations further ahead in Time, to the fall of 1989. That's when a second stage event happened. It reflected back to the night in 1982 and used it's contents to make the point that I had believed the causes of my experiences came from people I lived with, rather than 'through' them. Although certain specific experiences in their past merged into the unfolding drama in a precisely timed flow of events, the source of these events was 'through' the physical world's words, objects, people and events. Between 1984 and 1989 my mind was busy, my body was a wretched shell around me, and it seemed to me that my unspoken thought was constantly being 'answered' by people who could not possibly know what had never been spoken or written by me.
Many implications that I had not noticed were pointed out to me in that 1989 event as well as much more that I had not understood. I can not write about the 1984 event, or the 1989 events, there were two of them, in an introduction without going far astray but I will clarify what I mean. The second 1989 event reflected directly backwards in Time, to my first memory when I was not yet two and a half years old. I named it my 'pi quake'.
I found out a few years ago that Los Angeles hosted the Olympic games in 1932, when I was physically born on this planet.
Several years passed before I realized in a conscious mind, what had happened that evening in 1982: the 'tangled mass of rose colored twine' had somehow been re-issued to me. but now it was attached to a different idea. At it's head and behind it's 'untangling' which I was to do again by pulling it out of the tangled mass: were words: '...the importance of an observer'. The words were attached to the 'beginning' of this tangled mass of string when I read them on paper for the first time. When I read them the first time, a faint re-play of that night in 1982 brought them together. It was a 'line of thought', the 'thread of an idea' which was quite unlike anything I knew about at that point in time. My mind was at work, my body was strangely visible and observable.
About 7 years later (1989) I met the word 'clew' in a newspaper article about Arthur H . Compton's work with quantum physics "Science finds clew to human destiny." (It's on my web site) It was a newspaper article that was the 'news of the day I was born'. I'd had a reason to want to find out what the 'news of the day I was born' was so I went to the university library to search the microfiche to find out for certain. That is when I read the article that verified what I'd read on a printout I'd gotten in 1989 at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. Later I read that the word 'clew' means 'a ball of string; and is attached to a Greek myth. It's a 'ball of string' that a hero used to find his way out of a labyrinth. The ancient spelling has changed to 'clue', which has a completely different meaning now.
The mass of tangled twine tossed onto my tummy had somehow remained intact within me but it was at this point attached to the words '...the importance of an observer'. I 'felt' the connection of the words to the 'event' that had happened in 1982 as a sense of what I suspect would be properly named 'deja vu' although a 'sense of familiarity', of 'knowing already what I had just read' is really more appropriate. The physical event that had brought about the memory of a 'tangled mass of rose colored string' was literally a 'clew' provided long in advance of the idea it was to represent. It would seem now that my grandmother 'knew' my future because if she had not done that, I'm certain much that depended on that 'event' would not have happened. That's true in many other events also.
What followed in my real life was a real life illrustration, a real 'acting out' by other people and even of my own body's activities which I watched from a kind of 'once removed' position that was very difficult to identify, was what the words 'the importance of an observer' meant. This 'once removed' position that put my body and mind into my own observation was different than 'normal' for me, so strange for several years that I could not begin to understand the way I 'saw myself' somehow, but not visually, from a detached position. "Once removed" is a square dance concept!
( There is a square dance 'concept call' named 'once removed'. A 'concept' call takes a simple call and adds a rule that makes the simple call quite complex and usually difficult to do. When the groups of people I was with in 1982 began to learn to do 'concept calls' I was much affected by one particular 'concept call' that added imaginary people named 'phantoms' to the 8 real people in the set. I could not 'imagine' where the 'imagined phantoms' were they were moving 'like' real people and I couldn't imagine then, 'in my head'. That's how I found out I had not even noticed the formations! And I believed that I was the one that always caused the dance to collapse, which was true when the caller chanted: "in your phantom setup, do a 'fan the top' or some other simple call. )
The questions and all the 'thought' that had arisen in my mind in a very visible way that night, all of the retrieved memories were not retrieved from my volition or intents of my own.
That night happened in 1982, I don't remember the exact date but it was the event that prevented me from attributing 'causality' of the thing I was watching, the miracle as it happened, to real world events and to my personal interpretation of them. The memory that was retrieved from when I was beginning junior high school in a new location, the comforting classmate that came to talk to me, was symbolically telling me, what was happening at the time. I was entering a new school, where a higher education would begin and I had a new friend, a kind of Counselor that created a few, very few thoughts that I could not have known were not created by myself. I had to discover that all thought is not mine, its received from, in this case the Counselor. Read the link on my web page: The Safety Secret.
The seeming causes were the effects of the complete hysterectomy, the problems my husband and I had because of the uninsured fire and the way he dealt with it, then the terrible blow on my head that made be believe I'd had brain damage of some kind. I really began to believe that my 'brain' had taken control of my body and was forcing me to do whatever was required to 'rebuild' the skills that I'd lost. I was getting lost all the time by then and I had already noticed I could not read and remember what I read. That was a very big change, not being able to read and remember what I read, but getting lost and having to make extreme efforts to get to familiar places was also devastatingly confusing.
The most noticeable loss however was that I could not type even one line accurately on my old manual typewriter. And I could not use an adding machine to balance our bank account, and I'd been very proficient on 10 key adding machines. Mistakes are easy to see when they are clearly on paper. I worked for days, silently, anguished, isolated and unable to talk to anyone about the problems I was having. When I realized I couldn't type even one line accurately, and being 'driven' by my feelings about a certain situation between my husband and myself, the situation in my life caused me to buy my first electronic equipment: it was a typewriter that permitted typing one line that could be proofread in a little 'window' before it was printed on paper. Even that was not much help, so when a word processor that used a monitor came out, I bought it. It was an Amstrad and it allowed proofreading and saving documents! What a miracle!!!
My 'race' to keep up with the emerging availability of word processors just before computers were cheap enough for me to buy, had begun. I'd taken some courses in electronic data processing in the early 1970's and worked briefly with computer output as a bookkeeper so I had a background of sorts.
But certain painful to me experiences I'd had in the jobs I had taken when my husband was laid off, proved to be the kind of event my grandmother's 'mass of rose colored twine' had generated. They were aimed towards the future in the same way. I'd had problems with people I worked with that led to a highly emotional situation that was unique in each job so that I left the job. The reasons were revealed when I chanced to read The Oversoul by Ralph Waldo Emerson. At a certain point the words I read produced an influx of information that caused me to understand those events! It was the kind of influx of batched information that I did not understand until the real problem was revealed to me, years later: the distance between memories and 'thought' and my belief that "I" think and produce thought and inner content.
That influx, which was not words yet, but which was 'sensed as words', the way a fragrance identifies an object before its seen, happened when I read Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay, The Oversoul. It was 2 or 3 years after 1984 that I read The Oversoul but at a certain point in it where I read certain specific words, all that had happened in those highly charged events was retrieved and something was revealed about myself, that I had not suspected. I'd somehow been involved in a certain 'core problems' in each work situation and been drawn into a situation that ordinarily a 'new hire' would not have become involved in. "What is meant for thee, even now wings towards thee.." was written by Ralph Waldo Emerson but the words were re-used in a new context, they told me what was happening then and going to happen in the future. I was reading books that seemed familiar, and I felt I should write about the strangeness I was feeling. Information in books I chanced to find somehow seemed already there in my thought.
A few years after 1984, I'd begun to become familiar with a new interface between my 'thought', and what was going on outside of my eyes, and what I heard. It was not possible to ignore the new activity in my mind and how my body felt so wretchedly uncomfortable. I began to realize some 'thing' was using memories from my past in a particular form, that in some way related to what was going on in front of me. It was possible to discern that a kind of 'drama' had begun, moving along in precise parallel to the advance of the Los Angeles Olympic Games, then their playing it extended to how I was hired at Boeing when I was 53 years old. And the job I got in 1985, 2-11-85, at Boeing Commercial Aircraft Corporation in Auburn, Washington was where a different kind of experience built up its own 'new understanding'. I heard my own breath for months, it sounded like Hal in Space Odessey 2001, it overlaid what was outside my body. It felt strange to feel like HAL.
Something moved into Time in precise parallel to those games and it has never left. The changes that were advancing through Time, were really being physically 'enacted out' by two small groups of people who were literally 'leaving the mainstream levels' (of square-dancing) to enter advanced and challenge levels. The people we were dancing with were drawn into that drama that was 'all happening in my mind' but they seemed to know what was in my mind! They at many points seemed to know more than I did about what was going on below the surface of trying to learn challenge levels of square-dancing. The fact that all these people talked and acted as though they knew what I was thinking, but had not talked to anyone about, was almost devastatingly new, confusing to me and such a change was almost overwhelming to my body. I didn't know this kind of experience is a symptom that is named 'thought broadcasting' or the next stage, 'ideas of reference' until about 1988 when I began to suspect this change was what C.G. Jung had named meaningful coincidence, and which Emanuel Swedenborg wrote was 'double thought'. The first quotation I ever read from Swedenborg was in Wilson van Dusens' book, The Presence of Other Worlds was "I feared my double thought might be torn asunder." I paused briefly wondering what 'double thought' could be. I called a Jungian analyst one day and asked him if there is really a process of human individuation. He told me there is such a process and he told me that the 'symptoms' I tried to describe as best I could were related to that process. He had experienced those symptoms himself.
At this point in Time I believe the symptoms are mentioned in some bibles as 'ambiguous sayings', a different name for the same thing as 'coincidences'. I told the Jungian therapist that 'second underlying contexts' was how I got the new meanings and in my own contexts and he told me later my definition was accurate. I did not name them as 'coincidences' then or later.
The real source was outside of Time as we experienced it in 1984, and that is much different now I believe in 2005. (June 1, 2013)
Emanuel Swedenborg wrote that there are no causes and effects on this planet, there are only effects. That is what 'quantum level physics' is about also, but in 1982 I didn't know anything about anything that I am writing about now.
The word 'autonomous' means 'the thing that names itself', (the Jungian therapist told me that one day) and this miracle named everything or forced me to do that. But it was necessary to recognize how it was being done: through a process that 'used' ordinary every day events, my specific memories, unique to me. and words in books I read by 'chance', that seemed so familiar that I felt the words were already there in my mind. But also this was where overwhelm almost happened: other people did and said things that generated feelings in this body that is me, that were difficult to understand for some time. I felt 'weirdness' until a kind of 'data base' of experience of this weird kind has accumulated. Then a new sense of meaning/ and new context for every content in my life can be identified, one that links activity on this planet to another world that uses the physical world as it's orchestra, it's language generator to generate a new understanding of everything.
The origin of this miracle is an influence that comes from another world, although that is evident only through certain experiences that are not easy to live through but it begins with ordinary male and female relationships in family systems.
There is an encounter with the collective past, which in 1982 I knew nothing about even when I had lived half a century! I lived in a small town and was the first in my family on my father's side to graduate from high school, in a class of 19! (Please read the incident that happened when the class of 1950 met in 2000, when went back to Ladoga. It was not an event I could have planned! )
I had wondered to myself many times when I was a very young girl whether my presence, if only my seeing something changed anything or made anything happen but that did not link to the words, 'the importance of an observer' for the first time until I 'met' them in Other Worlds.
I recognized (dimly) that they had occurred into my mind, along with the retrieved memories while I looked around a room of square-dancers iin 1982. "I am in a room full of teenagers." occurred into my mind, along with a memory of myself when I was a teenager, entering a new school, and someone in my class came to me, to make me feel less lonely. The memories 'told me' what was happening then, and 'told' me that I was not alone.
The memory was vivid and it's message was not evident to me for almost 9 years. I would not have suspected a retrieved memory could be intended to make a statement to me, to actually describe what was happening at the moment it happened. It was not in my mind that dreams have meaning, so the one dream I'd had that had initiated a non-stop stream of thought only aroused my curiosity.
I was in a new school, entering the 7th grade in the memory. A new classmate had come up to talk to me so I felt less alone and less angry at my parents. The memory was about 'entering a new school' and 'having a comforting presence' was a way of telling me that I had a 'friend' who had come to make me feel less alone and less angry. That was the 'message' contained in that one memory, I was entering a new school but as I said, I knew nothing about interpreting dreams, or 'symbolic representations' or 'correspondences', or Swedenborg's term, 'double thought' then, or for several years.
An enormous package of information about my life flooded into my mind in 1984. The next 5 years was almost overwhelmingly confusing, filled with real world people, nothing magical seeming was visible, yet there was some thing, emerging from what was visible. I have just described the simplest event, the one that happened in 1982.
By the fall of 1989 I had learned a new language and had learned to understand that what was going on in my life merged in with a perfectly aligned flow of circumstances in the outer world that seemed at first glance to be a miracle. This miracle of impeccable timing of events over a span of decades, and people in my life included what I was physically doing as well as certain specific thought; thought that did not seem to be produced by my own will or intentions; and most amazingly words and ideas in books that I seemed to find in a variety of places which ordinarily I would not have even looked at or attempted to read.
The utterly precise timing of everything seemed astonishing since so many people were involved, and they seemed to know exactly what was in my thought. It was confusing for several years during which time I was in 'therapy', and reading a few books my psychiatrist had in his office which he offered to loan to me. (1983)
The first two books were authored by William Glasser: Mental Health or Mental Illness?; then Reality Therapy. After I'd struggled through those two books he asked if I'd be interested in reading another book and he held out The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat by Oliver Sachs of whom I'd never heard. That had also been true of William Glasser so I did borrow The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat and began to read it . But after reading three or four pages I returned it because it seemed utterly fantastic, so unbelievable that I laughed to myself. A man who 'mistook his wife' for a 'hat'?
More than 10 years later I did read the book and by then 'stories' such as he wrote about in that book were not unbelievable.
By then I had become aware of how people in my real world life actually lived. I had become 'awake' to much that was going on in the relationships of people I knew that seemed very 'odd' to me, but Mr. Sachs wrote about such people. And I had become aware of what it feels like to be an 'object', merely an 'object' to another person. A kind of 'garment' that could be 'worn' by another person whose passivities required literally that another person was forced to be 'active'. Much of what was in every way 'unbelievable' was what Mr. Sachs wrote about. I had felt I was invisible and was beginning to see that literally I was invisible, really.
One evening I had overheard my husband talk to another person and heard him as he described doing something I'd done which I knew had been very much against his wishes. But he seemed quite pleased when he recited what I'd done and he told it as though he had done it himself. I remembered silently the prolonged and bitter resistance he put up but I had finally gone ahead and done the deed, which was to buy a house that I thought would be a good purchase. We had to do some work on it but now it was rented out and although he remarked bitterly about it frequently to me, he was now happily reciting that he had 'bought a house and done some remodeling then rented it out quite easily!
Other very instructive 'singular events' came to my attention during that rather long 'point in Time'.
I had certainly become aware of how a person, me, can be actually an 'object' to another person but the 'location' of WHERE I KNEW THIS was very remote from 'falling into speech', to borrow a term Emanuel Swedenborg used.
It was a situation that extended back to a 'story' told about how a rib was taken from man, and from it was created 'womb-man', flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone... literally. Not symbolically, but literally. The utter invisibility of 'me', had become somewhat obvious to me in my home but when I went into 'therapy', and began to try to talk about what was going on in my life, to find out what was causing the miserable body conditions and extended periods of not being able to sleep, I expected help.
That did not happen, I became aware of being 'invisible' as a person, especially there. It was a truly diabolical situation, expecting to be heard, listened to and helped by 'professionals' when I struggled to talk about the fact that I could not sleep at night as well as what was happening. I tried to describe the 'strangeness'. I always had a book with me that I was reading that I wanted to talk about because it seems somehow familiar. Then in 1986 I chanced to ask to read what a counselor was writing on a medical chart! I was in a psychiatric ward because my psychiatrist had suggested he might be able to monitor medications that might help me, and I could use the rest. I had to take a leave of absence from my fairly new job as a result of what happened when I read what was on my chart: symptoms, one of which I knew was related to 'schizophrenia'.
I'd heard this 'symptom' said to me one night when my partner that evening, the wife of the caller that night had mentioned it to me, saying she'd experienced the sense that a person she knew seemed to know what was going on in her thought, but she'd never said it aloud so she felt 'crazy' around that woman. She was afraid she had 'schizophrenia'. Her husband, the caller was the man whose unusual life had 'enthralled me after she told me one day he loved her so much he could not be away from her even for day. He was the man who was the sole focus of thought generated in a non stop stream, by a vivid dream I'd had late in 1981. I'd had a few unlikely to happen even once in a life span events happen in connection to her and in a very different way, him.
I was involved by then in a divorce situation that was horrendous to me and agonizingly painful. This was because I could see the 'diabolical situation' between my husband and myself, in a particular way but I didn't understand why. The term 'mixed signals' began to make me feel that I was actually living them, that I was in a real 'double bind' involving people I knew very well and others that participated as though they knew a script and were reading it to me, so that it found a match in my thought.
This is one of the most important facts: This that was all 'new to me' was distinctly related to an 'event' my husband had mentioned throughout our married life, only casually as 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker'. It had happened when he was in his late teens. And he had one quality that was so foremost in my mind that I felt somehow 'driven' to try to get the 'truth' brought forth. He wanted the facts, nothing but the facts, he wanted the truth, nothing but the truth.
That 'event' had been mentioned somewhat frequently during the first 9 or 10 years of our marriage. His 'under the apple tree event' had been an 'event' that as he told me about it, caused him to know everything he would ever need to know. For about 10 years in our early marriage he mentioned it as a 'problem' he had. The way he referred to that event as a 'problem' he had, changed later as time passed. It was a change that he mentioned only in a sidewise fashion, in offhand remarks that I ought to have recognized were very, very strange at times. He used to remark to me that nobody had any influence with him other than his 'maker', that his environment had nothing to do with how he was, he was not a product of his environment. Knowing his mother, and their particular history in Holland had including being invaded by the German's this seemed quite unlikely to be a fact.
At times he said something to me that I am embarrassed to write that I did not recognize as being utterly out of context, absurd, incongruous so I didn't ask what he meant. "I cannot help you. You have to do this yourself. You are all alone in this. You cannot expect help and you cannot ask for help, you are alone in this, Betty, you have to do this all by yourself." All I'd asked was for something a husband would ordinarily expect to do if asked or better yet initiate without being asked..
The strangest was this: "I cannot help you, I am programmed to do only one thing and I am not programmed to do what you are asking me to do." I cannot understand why these did not make me try to ask why such odd remarks were said to me. Certain other often repeated responses actually seem to have become commandments during the past 21 years, because I heard them so often. One in particular: "Think for yourself. Don't believe what you read in books, think for yourself."
By 1984 I had a mindset that did not believe anything I read in books, although my habit of reading almost constantly, had changed it's content from fiction, to non-fictions. The reversal of the content of a habit into it's exact opposite in a fairly short period of time may be difficult to notice in another person. But when I noticed my self being driven by a kind of 'force', a powerful motor seemed to drive me to do things then realize eventually that it, this 'force' had been driving a person I'd lived with for 3 decades. That person was now relaxed, easy going and accepting of just about anything with a tolerance that had never been expressed even once! That was visible evidence to me of a particular kind of 'role reversal' that I later found had a name: folie aux duex. Although even older names exist for it: participation mystique. The oldest reference I've found for participation mystique was in The Dark Night Of The Soul by St. John of the Cross. I'd noticed the 'role reversal' and told a psychiatrist about it, in my naive language. He told me I had 'remarkable insight' and I didn't know what that meant, but the condition was never talked about after that day.
This is not intended to be gender bashing, it really caused a new kind of mind to begin to take in and try to understand what was going on. Two people living as one person is not uncommon but I didnt' realize that is basically 'normal'. The 'repressed' or the 'suppressed' curiosity that a more typical man would have but which my husband did not have began to function with a distinct authority in me: it was a demand to know and understand what was going on in my life. The passivity and the acceptance of whatever it was that had been 'said' in his 'under the apple tree event' did not really change, in fact nothing changed except the 'worry' that was suddenly no longer a problem. Mountains were reduced to molehills in a flash of time.
However odd it may read, it may be that that is the truth. When I understood the idea in the Fourth Way, as Ouspensky and Gurdjieff wrote about it, this man could be 'man number 1' in appearance only. If a person can 'seem' to be man #1, or even #2. #3, or #4 and this is possible only because he 'forgets' , or 'does not remember himself', that is, he has no memory of everything he has said or done that is connected to being man #5, #6 and possibly #7 , then he may be higher in 'being' than a being at level #7.
If a person can teach another person, what I believe I have learned from this apparent man #1,2,3 or 4 , his 'being level' through the act of 'forgetting, not remembering' which I believe has nothing to do with the ordinary concept of 'denial', that person has achieved an almost impossible to describe life long process and endeavor, in my opinion.
When I realized the points of change that had been marked by 'off hand remarks' that indicated 'inner points of change' in him, it was because I'd had experiences of my own, that I realized had their real origin in that experience 'under the apple tree with his maker'. His past event had gone through several points of chnage.
When he told me the 'problem' was in my family, that was a point of change from what he'd said previously was his problem. I had an aunt who was schizophrenic, he'd met her only once and the 'problem' he'd mentioned that he had, at that point after about 9 or 10 years, was now out there, in my family.
Still later that changed and it was not my family that had the problem, it was me." "You have a problem, Betty."
At a certain point in time a distinct kind of role reversal occurred, one that even now I can see was precisely timed to align with events in the real world. (The surgery and it's effects as well as the accident seemed to be causes of the changes at first, then later it became obvious these were not the real causes) It became apparent slowly that I was beginning to recognize an exact interface of inner content with 'outer world events' although this interface had to be discovered as to how it was occurring. Reading books was just one attribute of how I was experiencing everything, reading words seemed to release information, thoughts could be spoken or written down.
The 'inner inexpressible content' was related to another world that I had not suspected or thought about. The event that had happened to him in his late teens, and to our youngest son in his very early 20's was connected to the events that happened to me in 1984, 1989 and a great point of change in 1993 when I was literally transferred to 'Final Assembly' and a repetition of a pattern I had become familiar with in my home, in my actual real world life began to 'replay' in a setting that is more 'global'. By 1996 I was astonished to be a witness to a repetition of the pattern in 'getting lean' where I work.
Much had changed in my understanding, and how I related to every thing was different by 1996 when that unexpected turn began. The change began to become evident in the corporate world, beginning with a drive to become a 'world class company' by downsizing and cost cutting, getting lean and becoming focused on increasing shareholder value. The pattern was already familiar to me because it had governed the life I had already been living. Every decision was made based on the same principle, and that was about money. 'Value' other than the definition that was most about money was not a word at all.
It is embarrassing to feel that this event happened as a result of an event earlier in my then husbands' life but did not cause the intended changes in the person. He'd mentioned that event in a certain way but I had not asked much about that 'event', and then later our son had a strange event happen to him. He told me about it but I didn't relate it to the 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker' that my husband had mentioned. When I did ask about it, when I understood what it had been because I'd begun to understand my own, they would not talk about it. It was not worth talking about.
Our youngest son had had an experience in 1982 at about the same time my 'first glimpse event' happened and he told me about it almost immediately. He had gone to a church that someone he worked with had pressed him to try out. It was a very large church and he'd gotten very weary of the long sessions of singing, alternating with speeches from the minister. At one point a woman got up and began screeching loudly for some time and he decided to leave as soon as possible. During the quiet that followed he got up and started to move towards the end of the row of seats then something happened that made him have to sit down or fall down. He told me later that what the screeching woman had said suddenly came into his mind as words that revealed things about him that she could not possibly have known. One thing in particular that he had certainly not revealed to anyone was recited back to him, in her voice but in real words. She'd been screeching sounds but not words although he'd heard them as words!
It did not occur to me that he had his experience at virtually the same time I had mine, or did I know that without either of our knowledge, my husband had made a decision about his future and set in motion a 'new life' for himself, as he put it to me one day. He told me what was going to happen and I was to file for divorce among other revealing statements that I heard and remembered and acted on.
It would never have occurred to me that what he said to me that day came through his mouth but he has no memory of having said them. He denies to this day that he is the kind of person who would say or do what I and the psychiatrists I went to in my confusion, said he did. That son has had to deal with the real issues of families in this time slot, divorce, children born out of wedlock, child support, apparent abuse and real abuse, legal expenses, court processes that are slow, expensive and trying to get justice as perceived, etc. I have 4 granddaughters, only one born in marriage but that didn't last. The 'problems' of the parents are passed on to the 4th generation, its in the Bible.
When I wanted to talk to both of them they would not talk about it. My husband had forgotten the 'phases' he had made evident to me in the offhand remarks he'd made in each of them, which was the way I became able to 'track' my own event when it progressed into a new 'phase/state of mind/level of being', whatever you want to name it.
It was not even worth thinking about, he told me, and not worth talking about.
My sister in law however was quite forthright about having had the same kind of event. When I talked to her about the 'under the apple tree event she laughed and said: "It's just a normal part of growing up.!"
By 1999 I had become aware of what was going on in my mind and of how 'thought' and 'words' that were generated by physical world events was at certain points 'reflected back' as a unit, having an attribute of 'literalness' added to it. This change created 'self reference', which I had begun to understand was creating the sense of familiarity, of knowing already this information, or another way to say it, 'a coincidence'.
But this 'effect' created a sense of being spoken to by the 'reflected content'.
I had become aware that there are psychiatric terms, 'ideas of reference/thought broadcasting; delusions of reference; ideas of grandiosity; racing thoughts; magical thinking that are 'symptoms' of a process of life that individualizes experiences to a degree that cannot be explained within the current 'scientific' processes. How this happened by experiencing the very symptoms themselves, without any knowledge they had other names is evidence to me that these symptoms are actually creating a kind of communication that is probably impossible to imagine, and is a kind of 'signal' moving under the guise of other names, moving forwards in Time.
Although ideas of quantum physics do require including the body into the 'material world' physics, the extremely specific content of a life must be put under the scope and this I became aware of, is nearly impossible, perhaps it is impossible to accomplish.
This site is about more than 33+ years of experience with those 'symptoms' which I became aware were named by C. G. Jung and Emanuel Swedenborg in their times, with different names. The thing itself, created the 'drama' which emerged chaotically but which assembled within my mind in a process that was and is as visible as any material world object and event. I received a package of information between July 31 and August 11, 1984 that I am still working with. In 1989 a second stage of the package was opened up, and I believe now that this package was information that was born when I was born, 1-2-32. Los Angeles hosted the Olympic Games in 1932 also. Carl Sagans' book Contact is about a message that was received as a palimpsest. The package of information that I received was a palimpsest also, a mental one.
The Shadow: "Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of man? The Shadow knows. The Shadow has the power to blind men's minds so they cannot see him."
There is a square dance movement named 'cast a shadow'. It's a difficult movement because it can be called from so many different positions. I had been a challenge level square-dancer for a few years before 1984 so I'd heard many callers chant 'cast a shadow' many times. At a certain point I noticed a strange thing happen in my mind: after the caller in my dream and only that specific caller chanted 'cast a shadow': the words repeated, quietly, softly as thought words, in my mind. After noticing it once, I noticed it happened every time this one caller chanted 'cast a shadow'. The words repeated once, quietly in a certain emotionless tone: ..cast a shadow.
This repetition of very specific words that only one specific person's voice 'generated' puzzled me after I noticed it continued to happen....that was only the beginning of noticing what was going on in my mind. That had happened before 1984.
Eventually I wondered why the quiet thought words re-occurred, then the memories of a radio show and comic books that I'd read when I was a very young girl connected with the name of a square dance movement...I remembered the spooky voice of Lamont Cranston that opened the show: "Who KNOWS what EVIL LURKS in the heart of man. The Shadow knows. The Shadow has the power to blind men's minds so they cannot see him." and they began to lurk around in my mind along with the strange regeneration that began with hearing 'cast a shadow' echo in a different 'tone' than the caller's voice into my thought.
After many experiences that were puzzling and uncomfortable I read a book, Narcissism, Character Disorders and Transformation by Nathan Salant Schwartz in which he mentioned that narcissists have a poor sense of history..... In that book he also told a story of Narcissus that added a female counterpart who watched as he looked at his reflection. He did not recognize that he was looking at an image of himself so Echo mourned the loss of male related-ness by repeating the last words she heard Narcissus speak to his reflection.
She could see what he could not see: that he was locked into relating to his 'reflection', and 'thought' is a reflection. Keep that in the forefront of attention. That situation actually happened to me, although it took a lot of experience and reading to help me realize how this 'locked up mindset' is literally 'blind' to the fact that it is 'locked up in self relatedness'. This probably is a natural state for some levels of 'being', but it's not supposed to be permanent.
The 'poor sense of history' is due to a separation of memories, or a failure to get connected with what Swedenborg named the 'internal man' who possesses a memory more vast and superior to the 'natural man's memory'. I had not read that version in which Echo repeated the last words Narcissus said, but I had noticed a tendency in myself to repeat the last words I heard someone very close to me say to me...the reason for this 'echoing' from me became evident eventually...there was a 'reflection' occurring within me, which I heard myself say, I spoke aloud spontaneously as though I had no volition over what I said. Theodore Reik wrote a book, The Creation of Woman that was initiated when was 9 years old. The book is about the two stories of the creation of Eve, the second version is a role reversal, its really about the 'birth' of a man, out of the 'world' of women, the mother. The 'shoe is on the other foot', the thing under discussion is turned around'.
I listened to what I said, I watched what was going on in front of me and participated without awareness in a drama that was in 1984 just beginning to use 'reflections' abstracted from many sources in my life, and what I was doing 'now' to create it. Thought and memories from my past of books I'd read that had influenced me very much, as well as a small collection of memories that had re-occurred into my mind throughout my life were as visible as objects and events outside of my eyes were visible. This was new to me. That is probably why the change was/is so noticeable to me, and why I was so curious about this new addition to what had been merely a view of what was outside of my eyes. The new addition altered what was outside of my eyes, and it affected my body in a very uncomfortable way....but I began to understand that the drama was being created for me to watch and try to understand. A slow moving miracle, and I was told it was slowed down so that I could watch it. Other people were always participants, or they acted and spoke as though we shared a mind and content.
Their words 're-sounded' within me, books I read had that effect of being 'familiar', and changes at Boeing began to also meet their content in thoughts that often were regenerated from real world events, re-spoken actually with a context that emerged spontaneously, a 'second underlying/under lying context.