It, a kind of event that affected my body, really began with beginning to feel in my body, the effects of a 'mixed signals' situation in my real world life and I knew nothing about mixed signals. I felt dizzy and didn't know why. What that means is that something began to affect my body because what I saw and heard was altered in a subtle way that I could not pinpoint, even when I looked very closely to see what was different. Everything looked the same but I felt different. This began very late in 1981 and there were only a few events that happened then. I began a 10 week tax course and could not read and remember what I read, that was a drastic change.
A radical change in my perception occurred but this was a gradual and sporadic change. As time passed, I noticed an extra effect, it was sometimes like a shock, but it was in my mind to, when I read certain books but that had also been sporadic. The first event in which I read something in a book that caused me to feel a very strong but unnamable response to what I read was akin to being shocked. That happened in 1982 as best I can date it. The change in hearing was also at first sporadic, very occasional in relationship to a person I knew but was for some reason unable to talk normally to. A kind of 'event' began to happen in that one relationship that I would not have named 'coincidence' myself. This new kind of event began to expand, to ripple out from that limited situation until this change overlaid every aspect of my life in the months prior to July 1984.
I did not notice this myself : that the situation began outside of my home and personal family relationships. . It was pointed out to me, in 1989 when I had the second stage of a 'mindquake' that had begun, so I believed in 1984. It was an important detail that I had not understood where the 'new kind of event' began to happen, and that this important detail was revealed to me in an instant, when I tried to rest a few minutes in a toiley cubicle at work. It was almost vitally important that it began with a man I barely knew, although an insistent need to get to know him developed. The reasons for my need to get to know him almost certainly were generated by statements his wife had made to me, about him while I tried to teach her to sew. I could not find any evidence of the man she talked about,but I didn't know I was trying to 'check out' what she told me, this attempt to find the man she described was unconsciously done.
This man was in a dream I had late in 1981 and after the dream an endless stream of thought scrolled through my mind, which was only about this man and the dream until about 1986, when the content of the dream began to veer away from the man and the dream. I also did not notice this 'veering away' from where it had began, until that was also pointed out to me in 1989, in the second stage of this decades long 'mindquake'. I'd not noticed it myself beyond just the barest degree of attention, that the flow of events I'd believed had begun in my home life, in a situation exclusively relating to my home and my family had really begun without any relationship to my personal life.
By 1989 I had become aware of a purpose filled process at work in my life. The first mindquake opened up with a batch of memories that began with the first night of my marriage, and exposed a complete movie-picture-like drama that caused the part of me that was taking in what was going on in a double landscape, one in my head and the other outside of my body, to believe the new kind of event had begun in my home in personal relationships. In the second stage event, the first one in 1989,, I was shown clear and distinct evidence that it's real source was from another world, at least a world where Time as we experience it is quite different.
I began to read books that my first psychiatrist, Philip Rehngren had in his office, struggling through them because it hurt my head to read and I could not remember anything I read. I noticed that words I read seemed to go into a black hole because I could not remember at the end of a sentence what I'd read. I could not remember a telephone number long enough to write it down and this was a change that was very noticeable. I became aware that for some reason I could not choose to read fictions, which I'd read almost without variation.
It took some time to recognize that the content of my habit of reading reversed into the opposite. The term 'force of habit' might explain why I read and felt forced to read what I didn't understand or remember. I found it difficult getting to familiar places; some how it required a great effort to 'reach' for familiar information that was strangely distant. Everything required having to expend incredible mental effort to do simple every day things I'd done easily. Between 1981 late in the year and 1984 there was no reason I could see for the way I felt, other than that I'd had a terrible blow on my head in 1981. A year prior to that I'd had a complete hysterectomy although I found that out after a few months when I'd gone back to the surgeon (Dr. Stephen Heller) because I didn't feel like my normal self. That's when he told me he'd not removed an ovary but had done a complete hysterectomy because it was his experience that I would have developed cancer of the cervix within 6 or seven years. He told me that a small percentage of women (10-12%) went into a 'severe menopausal syndrome' but that it was not possible to know who would potentially suffer from this syndrome.
After I began to end up on Dead End streets so often that it seemed to me I must be looking for them, (as many as 6 one evening) I had a clue as to what had happened. I knew someone whose habit of 'finding' Dead End streets had puzzled me for years. Even after looking at a map to find out how to get to where we were going, my husband seemed to end up on 'Dead End' streets. When we got lost it was almost impossible to get him to turn around or ask for directions. It was such a drastic change but how I felt in my body was the real problem. It was several years before I could name how it felt to be 'bottled up', to be 'up tight', to feel 'restrained, contained'.
The changes seem to me now to have been basically a result of this body condition: a new perception that I believe can be honestly named as 'tunnel vision' and the result of this was a laser like focus, rather like becoming a human microscope whose own interests and purpose were gradually replaced with a terrible curiosity about every thing and a demand to 'name what you see'. This 'name what you see' is something many toddlers seem to be driven by, so it's not as mysterious as it may seem. It's also a fairly decent way to think of Adam who had to name everything also, if Theodore Reik's idea about how the second version of the creation of Eve, is really a reversal of genders. He developed a reasonable theory that the initiation of Adam, out of the world of women into the world of males, was what the second version of Eve was about.
The overall result of all the changes created a narrowed down, fixed, and held in place attention on small details and activities which I had not noticed in the past. I began to notice, silently observing, unable to articulate anything that I saw, little details of what people in my real life did that I could have noticed many years prior to the advent of the change. I wondered silently what these strange new (to me) events could mean.
By 1989 I had become aware that a 'process of life' had been initiated in my life through a relationship with a living person whose own experiences with the same process had actualized in the most real way, certain personal situations that were aligned almost unbelievably precisely with the events in the physical world. There are several ideas about marital and family relationships that I had no knowledge about when my experiences with the man in the dream began, so in a real way I saw an enactment in his life of a situation that was precisely identical to my own situation! The fact that my attention was captured and held fixed on a couple whose life at that point in time, was virtually identical to my life was made distinct in a way that is most difficult to describe because it seems so unlikely that such a long string of events could actually have happened, with what seemed to be active and conscious participation by so many other people with the 'cosmic level purpose' of educating at least one person about a certain male-female-family-'religious' interface.
The process began several years before 1984 approached and culminated in that 10 days between July 31 and August 11, 1984 with the display of part of an enormous package of information about a version of my life that I had no knowledge about then. There was a message embedded within this package that I had to discover during the next year. I had even typed it out (automatically) without recognizing it. Several months after I typed then printed out the 10 items in the message and wrote a kind of summary of what I'd experienced, (very fortunate that I did this because I would have forgotten certain parts of the event) I chanced to see a display of a book titled, Contact by Carl Sagan. I glanced at the jacket briefly then bought it, and I never buy new books. A few weeks after I read the book, I was walking to my car after my shift at work and a thought occurred to me: "It was a message. I got a message." These are not profound words of thought. The words occurred into my mind without any sense that I had 'thought' them. At that point in Time I was not aware of having been alert and focused already in 1984 on 'watching/ listening' to thought streaming through my mind, about the dream I'd had in 1981 in the fall . I repeat this because it's important: The stream of thought was about one person in the dream. I was astonished that my mind could generate so much thought about a brief but very vivid dream, unlike any dream I'd ever had. I have very few dreams.
Overall this was an inner experience that happened to me, in my own mind but this happened parallel to what was actually happening in my real life.
The 'version' of my life that was shown to me in 1984 was formed from strings of memories from my past, beginning with a certain specific incident (The Hill) followed by related incidents that 'told a story' in a flash of time. The strings from my past were exposed to me through the retrieval and display of an astonishing number of specific memories that created meaning immediately. Everything that happened during the 10 days between July 31 and August 11, 1984 came as a package, a whole thing, seamless that had to be taken apart 'string by string', recognized after the fact, detail by detail.
The next 5 years was a 'decoding' period but I only knew that after the second stage package was opened in 1989 in the fall. It built upon what I had become aware of between 1984 and 1989. I had become aware of a methodical, mechanical but purpose-filled process that had a name, in fact two names. Emanuel Swedenborg named it 'regeneration' and Carl G. Jung named it 'individuation'. During the 5 years after 1984 I had begun to read books that caught my attention in various places, that I saw my body 'find', purchase and painfully read. My head felt as though it would burst at times and what I read made no sense to me. There's a list of them on the home page. Normally I would have never persisted in reading books that not only didn't make sense to me, but which actually caused severe discomfort.
However a vague sense of 'thought words' occurred into my mind: "Read the words anyway. Pay no attention to whether you understand them or not, read the words anyway." After a period of time that was probably a few months in duration, the words seemed to have advanced into being 'real words' of thought. By 1989 I'd had some very, very unusual events happen and I had noticed a relationship between books I chanced to find in random places and what was happening in my physical life. In addition I had become aware that the cause of my changed perception, inner and outer had it's origin in something other than my own personal life, and that a pattern I'd noticed when I was very young had been moving steadily forwards in time, like the 'signal' in Carl Sagan's Contact.
The second 'mindquake' happened in 1989. After that event I knew that the cause of the change was not in 'real world circumstances' although they were used as the 'alphabet' in a language that is built from the individual's life.
One particular memory of an event that happened when I was 13 years old was the foundation of this entire package, because the first words and many strings of memories in the package made that quite explicit. "You are correct. Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." The Hill This memory and the words associated with it was the preface to what happened during that 10 days. The result of this this package exposed a double 'fault line' in my past. The first 'fault line' related to a 'stereotyped' personal relationship with my husband which I had not suspected and would not ever have understood if it had not also exposed the second 'fault line'. I was taken back to the point in Time, which began with the responsibility Adam put upon Eve when he did not take responsibility for his own actions. I remembered having thought when I was a very young girl that Adam ought to have not blamed Eve for what he did; he refused to take responsibility and he should have. The burden of guilt that I felt then was agonizingly physical almost immediately. I wept body drenching tears every day for years and could not understand how my body could produce tears in that amount, raining from my eyes. At some point I read a reference to 'archetypal weeping' in some book and that gave some context, vague but somehow acceptable for the painful 'rain' that flooded from my eyes.
During the next 5 years the package of information about my life began to be 'unpacked', that is the only way I can describe it although at the time I had no sense that was being done. That attribute had to discovered. The way this happened is not easy to describe because I had to discover or recognize that my mind was retrieving certain memories from my past, that carried symbolic or literal relationship to what I was trying to understand. An example: I had begun to make an intense effort to try to hold in mind a word, even one word, of the stream of thought moving through my mind, I cannot explain why I felt this 'need' to remember one word in that constant stream of thought, and try to hold it in memory long enough to write it down, but it developed in about 1986. I remember reading a term, 'racing thought' without understanding what it meant the first time I read it.
How can 'thought' race?
At some point in about 1986-7 I remember going to Harborview to a psychiatrist that was recommended after I asked if there was some place where such experiences as I was having were studied. I remember filling out a questionnaire I was given and the question: "Do you have racing thoughts?" was on it. I didn't know what to answer at first and then an association formed between the tremendous effort I was having to make to 'remember' (i.e. capture and retain in memory) one word of the constantly moving stream of thought.Which was at that time no longer about the dream or the man in the dream. I began to understand that this stream of thought was in fact moving,scrolling in a stream as thought and that after I 'read' it, or 'saw' it, I could not remember even one word, and I certainly could not speak or articulate anything specific in that stream!
One day I managed to keep one word in my mind long enough to write it down. I felt an immense pleasure, a sense of having accomplished something almost miraculous, and I felt relief that was peculiar to the part of me that was observing, from a detached, once removed position, everything and I was included. (I could not describe it that way when it happened.) That moment was full of content. I saw an incredible variety of mental content, almost in a flash, that actually generated the sense of having made a 'breakthrough'. A memory from a play, The Miracle Worker came to mind: Helen was screaming while her teacher was holding her captive with water from a pump pouring over her arm while she drew the symbol for 'water' in sign language on it, over and over. Suddenly Helen gets the message that her teacher is drawing the word for water, which she feels but cannot see on her arm. She has made a breakthrough, The retrieval of a memory that in some way 'described' or 're-iterated' in a literal or symbolic way a detail of my 'now', telling me what I have done, would seem to be absurd but by the time this event happened I had begun to notice this kind of retrieval and a relationship to what was in my physical world at the moment. I had been straining, literally having to work very hard to achieve a goal that I did not realize I had to attain, a seemingly simple task of 'remembering' one word in a stream of thought that could not be stopped, nor retrieved after it had moved away. A string of memories from my past followed the memory from The Miracle Worker and they were somewhat related to having felt pleasure in some accomplishment. Even if it was only being thanked by a lady whose lawn I'd mowed.
That is when I understood what 'racing thought' really is. Although the content could not be captured, or brought back easily after it scrolled away, this content did not seem to 'speed'. It was just 'thought', embedded in what seemed to be the same, produced by 'me'. It was not. It was the fact that I could not speak even one word of it aloud, even after I managed to write a word down, then later another word, and then after that I felt a demand made on me to begin to try to talk, to speak aloud, without any sense that what I was being driven to do, was to speak my own first words. Some toddlers almost certainly feel the same 'drive' and the same demand is made on them to 'name what you see', then later in life, probably this demand is 'describe what you see'. Adam was required to do that.
Within the package was a message, a statement of purpose and guidelines, each of which I typed without recognizing them when I typed them!
There was a kind of solicitous presence in attendance before and after that 10 days, and a certain distinct 'thought voice' spoke during those 10 days that has never spoken before or and never spoke afterwards. What was said by this 'thought voice' has remained in my memory mostly because I have written so repetitiously, trying to describe what was happening. That keeps everything alive in memory and I have a record of sorts to validate to myself at least what I was experiencing.
The unconscious of 'man' is vast, it may be the real world or is connected to the real intelligence that has purpose and a goal that man is discover and learn from. It is a world that personalizes the life of the individual beyond anything that can be thought of as 'chance'.
Another presence began to emerge in a way that was difficult to discern and nearly impossible to describe because of the way it did make its presence so distinct eventually: 'Events' in daily life began to have a new effect on me, sometimes to the point of making my head reel and my body feel faint, At other times I felt the equivalent of a kind of electrical shock. It is possible to look at how it began and when it began now because I have distance and an accumulation of experiences that have been validated by at least a Jungian psychiatrist whom I called one day in 1989. I needed to ask if the 'symptoms' I'd read on a psychiatric record of mine were other names for what C. G. Jung had named 'meaningful coincidence' and if there was actually a process of 'individuation'. He had a certificate in his office that stated he had 'met the collective'.
In 1989 I did not have enough understanding of my own experiences to know much about what he called the 'collective' but he told me I was correct in my belief that 'ideas of reference, which means getting messages from irrational sources' and 'thought broadcasting which creates the sense that one's unspoken thought is known to others because they seem to respond to and even speak as though they know my unspoken thought' are attributes of 'meaningful coincidence'. Much more needs to be written about those so called 'symptoms' that ordinarily I would not have known were written about me. if I'd not asked to read what the counselor was writing as we talked!!!!!!!
Clue: I had never read non-fiction except what I was required to read in school or in relation to a job. I had avoided reading 'best sellers' almost religiously, feeling a sort of superiority when 'everyone but me' was talking about Games People Play for instance. Thus when I did, apparently by chance buy a copy of that book then began to read it and went about my every day life which at that point in time was centered around learning challenge level square dancing, there were events that strangely merged with what I was reading. I can describe now what I could not put to words then because I often felt literally dizzy, confused and literally 'unbalanced' when such events happened. What I read in the book about a 'mischievious character' Jeder seemed somehow to become evident through these events. I noticed for instance that a certain man always seemed to touch my breast whenever we were paired in the dance. The variety of ways this happened was astonishing to me, because after I noticed it once I noticed it happened every time we were paired even temporarily. I wondered if somehow I was causing it to happen but could find no evidence this contact was initiated by me. Finally I mentioned it to the man, apologizing for my apparent clumsiness and telling him I would try to avoid it in the future. He was certainly attentive afterwards to avoiding any contact except with my hands.
Clue: I had not read Jonathan Livingston Seagull when it was so popular nor had I seen the movie until about 1986, at least 2 years after 1984 when I chanced to see a paperback copy and bought it. Jonathan's strange urgings to do what set him apart from other seagulls led him finally to detect a presence that comforted him and continued to work with him so that he wasn't alone with his derisive family. After reading the book I felt a sense somewhat similar to how Jonathan felt although there was no visible companion. I had just read Robert Monroe's Journey's Out Of Body with a great deal of astonishment because I knew nothing about 'out of body experiences'. His second book came along by chance, I didn't look for it and after reading how he became aware of a presence that was working with him in this amazing travels I felt more comfortable with my sense of not being really alone in my terrible painful isolation. Much happened that led to recognizing this is a pattern that has been experienced and written about for thousands of years.
If I had not read Robert Monroes' books before reading anything Emanuel Swedenborg wrote I'm certain I would not be writing now. Mr. Swedenborg's very strange writings as well as his frequent mention of a 'literal sense' would not likely have ever made sense to me, if many, many preparatory events had not happened in my real world life. I saw people do things that were strange to me, almost unbelievable things that only made sense when I began several years later, to learn words that were used most commonly in psychiatric texts in the 1980's. The words 'projection and introjection' were experiences to me, before I knew the words.
It does not seem likely the word 'coincidence' can be used to describe how this new (to me) world made itself evident over the next 5 years because an interface between 'thought' and real world events that were precisely timed to align with a change in my life had already begun. A special sense had to begin to function as a king of highlighter. It was almost certainly Providence of the kind that Isaac Newton wrote about in his lifetime. He wrote that when a thing is prophesized before it happens and the thing occurs as it was predicted that is or ought to be evidence of a Divine Providence.
What happened in that 10 days period of Time had to have been designed long before 1984 scrolled through Time. When Eric Blair/George Orwell's book, 1984 was published in 1948 it was aimed towards the real year 1984. When Arthur C. Clarke wrote 2001 Space Odessey it was aimed towards the 'end' of 1999 whenever that really was. (He even mentioned in regard to one edition of the book: "The ideas in this book are not those of the author." !) When Emanuel Swedenborg wrote paragraph 1984 in his Arcana Celestia in which he describes the 'literal sense' the way he understood it, those words were aimed towards the year 1984.
I was astonished when I read that paragraph, AC1984, at the 'coincidence' of the year being the number of the paragraph, but that was when I was just beginning to 'get the message' behind the 'coincidences'. When P. D. Ouspensky wrote two very critically important paragraphs in his A New Model Of The Universe his work was directed towards 1984. The first paragraph of the introduction of the book is his description of what Swedenborg named 'remains' and what I experienced myself as 're-occurring memories' that made themselves distinct, because they were 're-generated' in the way they were. There have been hundreds, thousands of 'events' that happened in my mind almost without a way to discern that they were not my own self generated content, and that they began in a deep, very deep level of mind that was not connected to the 'now moment' when they occurred.
By the time the Los Angeles Olympic Games began my mind had changed radically, my body had already become an extremely uncomfortable shell around me, and I had not slept normally for more than 2 years. A terrible, nearly unbearable noise in my head had begun after a short extremely vivid dream. I was awake because 'thought' scrolled through my mind and I woke up every morning with no sense of waking up from the oblivion of normal sleep. The first sounds I heard was, usually a song that came from my clock radio. The words seemed to pick up and merge seamlessly into the scrolling thought that kept me awake. This 'non-stop thinking' finally caused me to be told I ought to see a psychiatrist, so for the first time I became involved in psychiatric therapy.
I remember hearing a song a few years ago that had been commissioned for the 1932 Olympics: To A New Life. Can't remember the composer's name but it was one of the kind of 'coincidences' that I've become aware of..
This site is about an experience I had that began in 1984, July 31 through August 11 and which has not ended since then. There's a movie series that's named Never Ending Story that is amazingly similar to how this event began and has maintained it's flow of communication into my life. Although many mental and perceptual changes have occurred in this particular observer, the experience itself has maintained a steady 'line of communication' between my self and "the Larger Domain'. That's my own name for it, formed in my own language after I became aware of that other worlds' real existence. The following paragraphs contain a hint about the 'form' of this line of communication. The 5 years after 1984 were almost overwhelmingly uncomfortable and disorienting at times but a sense began to emerge that I was quite slowly 'getting better'. A kind of self evaluation occurred: "I am better now than I was three months ago." A few events had happened by then that did not seem likely to be possible because the timing was so precise between thought and event and I could not possibly have arranged the events myself. Some Other had to have arranged them.
The following is about how I first heard some validation:
The first validation that 'it' was real came in 1988 or thereabouts, after I watched a Thinking Allowed program featuring John Lilly, From Here To Alternity. He mentioned an agency named ECCO and described it as Earth Coincidence Control Office. I was suddenly alert. "He knows about the Larger Domain too!" I felt the first sense of well being I'd had for several years when he mentioned that Agency. Why did I select the video tape after seeing the name John Lilly on the spine? I'd had a strangely re-occurring memory of watching a documentary in the first days of black and white television of John Lilly, working with dolphins. This memory included a thought I'd had as I watched the dolphins perform to verbal commands: "I wonder what it would be like to be taught a language by something so strange as and different as a man must be to a dolphin?" This memory and a few others that were quite different in content had flashed into my mind so briefly and for no reason I could ever understand, for at least 3 decades before I happened to notice the Thinking Allowed documentary.
I was in my late 40's when I wondered to myself about those re-occurring memories. In the documentary he is dressed like Davy Crockett, an explorer in the real west, its a symbolic representation. He and Jeffery Mishlove talk about some experiences they both had that were unusual to the person I was then. They mentioned a 'dark night of the soul'.
The very next day I was in the Old Stone Bookstore which sold Swedenborgian books and was a meeting place for a small group of Swedenborgians. As I walked out I noticed a book titled: The Dark Night Of The Soul by St. John Of The Cross. I paused to consider that it was odd to see a book that had the title that I'd recently heard but I walked out. After walking less than a block my body turned around, returned to the store and I saw my hand pick up the book as though it was not connected to me at all.
When I began to read it, that was a new experience because St John quoted a line from a fairly short poem then 'decoded it' in a way I'd not at that point experienced consciously. Every line in the poem had meanings that required interpretations somewhat akin to how Shakespeare's lines had to be interpreted in lengthy discussions when I was in high school.
Why was I in a Swedenborgian book store? Almost a year before I had noticed an advertisement for a lecture comparing a book, Heaven and Hell by Emanuel Swedenborg with Life After Life by Raymond Moody. As I read the advertisement I wondered about 'Emanuel Swedenborg'. Had I read that name somewhere? I couldn't remember but I had two very unusual (to me) books that I'd recently read so I looked in the index for his name: Men Who Have Walked With God by Sheldon Cheney and Cosmic Consciousness by Richard M. Bucke. His name was in both books so I read the references. Mr. Cheney had not included Mr. Swedenborg in his book because as he put it, Mr. Swedenborg's writings were more like those of an on the scene reporter rather than the experiences of men such as LaoTse, William Blake, Jacob Boehme, Socrates, Fra Franscisco. Mr. Bucke mentioned Swedenborg but he also felt there was a certain quality that was missing in his writings that did not put him in the same class of experience Mr. Bucke had experienced himself and was trying to describe.
I decided to attend the lecture and I don't remember much of what was said but I bought Heaven And Hell for $4.00. It laid around for several months before I opened it and read a few very strange, (to me) pages. During those months I read some very strange (to me) books by authors I'd never heard of and whose writings made not a whit of sense to me. I felt compelled to read them however odd that may seem, noticing that I seemed to have lost the ability to choose what to read, and more and more frequently, what I said was unplanned by me.
I read one book, Theory Of Eternal Life by Rodney Collin and at two distinct places in the book read words that I had experienced as 'thought', before I read the words.
This seemed very odd to me because it had happened once in another book, An Imagined World by June Goodfield and in both situations the words were so specific it would seem impossible to meet them in any book.
When I began to read Heaven and Hell, many events in my personal life had happened, I'd noticed my mind seemed to have assumed some kind of authority over my will, (I thought at the time that I'd had brain damage in an accident. I'd read that the mind can repair itself, so it seemed my brain was forcing me to do whatever would restore what I'd lost!) I'd noticed strange relationships in people I knew, and an increasing body of 'precisely timed events' had happened that did not seem could be caused by me in any context I could think of. However, I noticed that as I read the words in the book a distinct process occurred that seemed to me to 'work with what I read' in a way I had only begun to notice so distinctly. I read the literal words in a normal way but they registered within my mind in a just barely there, just barely discernible after effect. Many, many events that had happened in real world situations between 1980 and 1988 came into my mind at that point, where I felt somewhat distanced from everything. There is a square dance concept named "in your once removed setup", that somewhat describes this new (to me) kind of distance.
Somehow I was watching my own body as well as what was going on in my mind from a detached location. I had the sense of being both audience and actor in a kind of 'drama' that had begun to take shape by 1988. It was a drama that was linked primarily to a particular thought that I'd noticed was generated from no will of my own, nor for purposes of my own from two different books that I'd read.: The Bridge Of San Luis Rey by Thornton Wilder and Childhood's End by Arthur C. Clarke.
The thought formed over a period of time that I cannot be specific about but it happened after I was at least 45 years old. I was in the Seattle Center in a used book shop and I noticed both books adjacent on a shelf. I had read both books in the past, each having quite a different effect on me so I bought them intending to read them again. I noticed the covers on the two books were very similar colors, shades of green. I had never been able to 'get' what caused The Bridge Of San Luis Rey to be so highly regarded as to win a Pulitzer Prize and I didn't 'get' it when I re-read it. However I noticed again, having noticed it when I'd read the book years ago, "Do you know I keep thinking about the insane.....I watch them sometimes and it seems there is a secret about it, just hidden from us, just out of sight." This was said by an abbess in the book to a visitor from Spain as they toured the convent: and I wondered to myself why an author would include such an idea in a conversation between two women. The book is about a bridge over an abyss that collapsed, carrying 5 travelers to their death. The sentence I'd noticed and wondered about is in a chapter titled: Perhaps an Intention.
When I re-read Childhood's End I remembered how it had affected me as I read the last third of the book when I was a fairly young woman. No other book had or has ever affected me the way that one did. It was somehow a merging of me into the events the author was writing about. As I read the book this time something unusual happened. I became aware of a kind of poised and waiting 'other' attention that was reading with me. I would not have been able to describe it that way then but this 'poised and waiting attention' seemed to have an intention, was poised, waiting, looking for something. When I read a certain sentence in the chapter titled, The Last Generation the search ended as I read a sentence. Then I noticed that when I read the sentence I'd omitted one word as though it was not there! Noticing the distinct omission of one word seemed very strange to me. I had read: "Across that abyss, few ........have found their way unaided...." That is not what was on the page. I noticed I had 'not read' what was there! "Across that abyss, few races unaided have ever found their way." The word 'races' had been deleted but I don't believe it was my action, it was accomplished so that it would become obvious there was an other attention behind my own.
The situation from which the ongoing experience arose and which 'generated' its basic content as well as it's conceptual structure began with real world people and specific situations. But there was one unexpected attribute that had to be discovered, that of precise timing in which certain specific 'thought' scrolling through my mind, met in the outer world it's exact content, continually.
Several events made this unexpected attribute unmistakable. I felt that I was in a mental 'boat' in my own inscape, nearly swamped with an almost overwhelmingly new (to me) kind of experience for a long period of 5 years duration after 1984. I used the word 'inscape' without having read it anywhere although a few years later I did read it somewhere.
This 'condition' extended over a period of years, such that it would be impossible for me to believe this experience was 'self generated' by me because the 'thought content' within my mind that met it's match happened with people in ordinary situations, but a strange new quality was added that was puzzling and confusing, it was 'self reference' and it created the sense of being a voice speaking as a person would, to me. Eventually.
The few incidents that initiated this new 'sense' involved a couple that I had become strangely focused upon, then slowly it changed when objects that use words began to generate that strange effect in my body. The first words in a song on my clock radio when it came on in the morning seemed to pick up precisely a 'line of non-stop thinking' that had at that point been scrolling relentlessly through my mind. This was something new to me and that was a very confusing situation but everything was confusing then.
Overall I noticed that the words in these songs seemed to be said to me as a person would speak to me, and they were usually somehow encouraging me, comforting me and urging me forwards, to what I had no way of knowing. The advertisements that were designed around the advancing Los Angeles Olympic Games urged American athletes to 'Go for the Gold!". urging them to make extreme efforts to be champions, the words spelled out the rewards of making persistent and prolonged efforts to excel. I had never even once in my life prior to the advancing 1984 Olympic games, noticed this kind of 'encouragement' in advertisements. One almost mind-boggling event happened one day while I was sewing, deep in thought when the words coming from the television caught my attention: "The second world is just beyond your grasp." What strange words! I looked at the advertisement, which was about an automobile, the Infiniti I believe but I'm not certain. "What could a 'second world' have to do with an automobile? Advertisements don't need to make sense, but that's very odd." A short time later in the same situation (I sewed quite a lot, making square dance dresses and shirts for myself and my husband and friends) I remember feeling literally 'shocked' when the words from the television registered: "The second world is here, and in the second world all the rules are changed."
After hearing these words I remember that several strange incidents that had happened recently came into my thought.
One particular incident involved seeing a man who had bought our house after we moved to the 'farm' in Renton. He'd been so happy, planning to marry his girlfriend and make a baby as soon as he finished the downstairs into an apartment. I had not seen him for a few years and he had changed very much. He was almost skeletally thin, he seemed worn out and not very happy. I remember that he looked at me for some time then he said: "You've gone through re-birth haven't you?" I don't remember what I answered because what he said made no sense to me then. But the words he'd said returned into my thought as I sat in my sewing room, thinking about the way I had been affected by the strange words, "The second world is here and in the second world all the rules are changed." Other memories of having to work so hard to do many things that I'd done quite easily, without effort came into my thought.
At that point a glimmer of having been in a very long travail, a years long span of time, of moving through a kind of 'birth canal' began to form in my understanding. There were real world reasons for the apparent loss of my normal functioning but slowly I began to have a sense there was something else at work. Some thing that was not connected to the symptoms of a hysterectomy, or 'severe menopausal syndrome' which I'd been told I had, or to a terrible blow on my head in an automobile accident.
In the months prior to July 31, 1984 certain inner content within was visible to me but it could not be spoken aloud for several years. It was literally inexpressible I believe until 'inner content' met it's matching component in the exterior world in some circumstance. This was NOT a simple thing to identify, or recognize. It became distinct through events and their specific content over a period of about 4 years after 1984.
These conditions were unique and very specific, involving a real situation of change, from a 'mainstream level' to higher levels of square dancing that removed all gender based roles. It was a 'new thing' at that time and it served as a model for a change on a greater scale, a cosmic level I believe. "As it is in small things so it is in large things." A single concept that originally I knew nothing about emerged as a result of a change within my mind that altered everything and every thing subtly, adding something 'outside' of my eyes apparently until I realized that what had been added was really in my mind and it 'overlaid' what was outside.
In 1984 two small groups of square dancers were struggling to leave the mainstream level of dancing, and this required removing gender roles from the 'dance'. It required that males and females learn each others 'roles' in the square dance set, there were no gender specific movements in All Position Dancing. . This setting had hidden potential that had to be recognized because the basic form of the square dance set is that the one set is divided into two halves that 'work against each other', in a concept that I thought I had discovered, then named the 'moebius twist mirroring '. Thought is a reflection.