THE TRANSCENDENT FUNCTION AND A DESCRIPTION OF HOW IT OPERATES: "Behold, I make all things new." is almost certainly a reference to the 'transcendent function's operations. There's not much that I can put into a strictly linear form, but this function of mind creates the processes of individual experience on this planet. This is how it happened that one day I understood that my inner content is at times not produced by me.
My adoration of classical music initiated it.
This event began with my love of classical music from a very young age when the only place I heard it was as background music in cartoons and movies. One radio in the house was a luxury (1940 when I was about 8-9 years old) and I rarely could choose what to listen to. I loved the Saturday Metropolitan Opera broadcasts and always wanted to hear them. Everyone but me in the family had the same opinion of opera and classical music: : "What sane person can stand that racket?"; "Turn off that noise. It's driving me crazy."; "If you have to listen to that screeching and caterwauling, turn it down so low that I can't hear it."
For that reason it was necessary for me to put my ear up close to the speaker when my parents were at home. (When they were absent I ruled, because I was the oldest.) Because the music came from Chicago, 170 miles away, it was often embedded in static but I listened through the static, straining to pick out the music from the noise in which it was embedded. It was not unusual to have to put my ear to the speaker to get wisps of the music through the static.
In the family that I was born into it was evidence of insanity or being crazy to actually WANT to hear 'that noise'. I mean this literally not symbolically. I was unawares of what 'insanity' meant to anyone except my parents.
By the time I was in my early twenties (1950's) I had become passionately fond of Ludwig Van Beethoven's music. The music seemed to me to contain every possible 'good thing, the highest that is possible', Eventually I thought that God's name must be spelled BEETHOVEN. I was not a religious person so this was an idea that 'just grew' in my mind that when I was hearing Beethoven's music, this was God's voice.
I also loved Mark Twain's book, Tom Sawyer passionately and read it many times when I was a young girl. However that was the only book of his that I ever read. I tried but could not get interested in Huckleberry Finn or any other book by written by Mark Twain.
In 1957 or thereabouts when I was in my mid twenties I read a book my new husband had just finished reading, One, Two Three Infinity by George Gamow. It's about Einstein's theories and it was written for the layman. I read it only because he had read it; he certainly didn't suggest that I read it. I rarely chose to read anything that was non-fiction so this was unusual on my part. I managed to read One, Two, Three Infinity all the way through but it wasn't easy because I noticed as I read the book that I could read every word very easily but I did not understand what the book was about. I remembered afterwards only a few words from the book: train, observer, speed of light and a few terms like 'black hole' were introduced into my mind.
(I have noticed this lack of comprehension many times about myself and wondered about it. It's not as trivial as it may seem to have noticed this lack in myself. I want to make the point quite explicit. In my twenties, I had begun to wonder why I could read words easily and spell most of them but somehow I could not understand something meant to be conveyed by the words in famous books. I had tried to read Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass for instance and could see no reason why that book was so highly regarded. This was also true of another book I'd read which I knew had won a Pulitzer Prize for the author, Thornton Wilder, The Bridge Of San Luis Rey. I had seen the movie then read the book but I could not grasp why that slender book won a Pulitzer Prize either. Over a period of about 30 years I had an unusual experience with that book, which related to how I had noticed (or to be more accurate, I was 'caused to become aware of ) my lack of understanding in that area of life and quietly wondered to myself about it.)
At some point in my late twenties or early thirties I noticed that whenever Beethoven's name came to my ears or into my thought in any form, two other names automatically came alongside of it: The names, Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain always came into my thought as a single unit, triggered by 'Beethoven' in any form. After I had noticed it once, I wondered to myself about the emergence in my mind of these three names at any mention of or reference to Beethoven. Then a thought about this strangeness formed " How did Mark Twain's name get to be in such company as Beethoven and Einstein?"
The question became part of the event. First the three names occurred, then the question about "How did Mark Twain's name get to be in such company as Beethoven and Einstein?".
I'm sure this happened for some time before I noticed it with enough awareness to be really curious about why it happened. There was no reason for me to 'think' three names whenever Beethoven's name was mentioned or came to mind. But it happened automatically every time after I noticed it once. A quiet thought repeated the names: "Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain". (That one part of my mind was watching another part, is obvious, even if I didn't notice that particular distinction until much later.) Another observing level saw both and wondered about this spontaneously erupting 'package'. "I" who write at this moment, observed the observer.
In 1988 or thereabouts, I cannot be exact about the date, I was walking near the Pike Place Market and saw a T-shirt with a giant caricature of Einstein's head on it. Because I'd begun to read some books about quantum physics and Einstein's name seemed everywhere in them, I decided to buy it.
As I paid for the T-shirt I told the clerk that I'd an odd experience with Einstein: Somehow his name had become associated with Beethoven's in my mind and that in fact I always heard three names automatically: Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain. (It was not typical at that point in Time for me to make 'chatty remarks' to strangers. It was unusual that I said anything that personal to a complete stranger. I am not that way now!)
She was writing the sales check and without lifting her head or showing any surprise she replied: "I always wondered to myself how Mark Twain's name got into such company as Beethoven and Einstein."
That startled me. "Do you mean you have the same thing happen to you?"
"Yes, it's always happened that I hear Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain whenever I hear Beethoven's music or hear his name. Then I always wonder how Mark Twain got to be in the company of Beethoven and Einstein."
That seemed impossible! It was unlikely that two points of experience with such very specific content would happen to two individuals. The three names, AND the question about Mark Twain? Incredible, not to be believed, but it had really happened!
By that point in 1988 I had begun to realize certain experiences I was having were not likely to happen to everyone or to anyone other than me. They seemed to happen from some kind of cause; there seemed to be a reason for their 'strange occurrence' but what cause, what reason could explain them?
I paid for the T-shirt and thought very little about the event until several years later. There was no discomfort associated with this event, I just felt 'odd' when it happened.
And strangest of all, I thought nothing about it afterwards.
The second part of the story happened within the last ten years, sometime in the mid 1990's. I don't remember it as well as I wish I could. I wrote it down after it happened, but I can't find that material. I know I was walking down a flight of stairs one day and it reminded me of a flight of stairs in my old high school. I don't know what brought the three names to mind as I walked downstairs, but I noticed a distinct change this time in how the three names occurred into my thought: "Beethoven, Einstein, Twain." ...
The response formed in my mind: "Beethoven, Einstein, Twain? Not Beethoven, Einstein and MARK Twain?
Startled I paused, noticing the difference, The thought contained Twain's last name now, but that had always occurred with Beethoven and Einstein. " Beethoven, Einstein, Twain????"
Then immediately another thought package brought the first letters of the three names together: B-E-T. BET!!!!I experienced a jolt, like electricity. Bet is my nickname to several people, my name is Betty. My sister Jan always called me Bet, in particular from a very young age. A few people have never called me anything but Bet.
So the three names were in a quite distinct way telling me my name, stating my name, identifying me.
It would never have occurred to me that Beethoven, Einstein and Twain were spelling out my name, except that 'Mark Twain' had occurred for so long a time, then for the first time, changed into 'Twain". Did I notice B-E-T or was the relationship given to me?
I've wondered if the salesperson who sold me the T-shirt was also named Betty . It would never have occurred to me that the initials of the three names concealed a secret relationship to me, or that my name was being 'spelled out' in the three names.
I have come to accept that this and other carefully designed strings of events have been a way to get me to see that this was happening TO me, not generated BY me.
Thus my first name was 'told' to me. I was identified and I understood that my name was spoken TO me in this quite unusual language-form. My last name was 'said' in a quite different form, in quite a different flow of events. I had not a whit of understanding then of what I just wrot about my name being 'said' to me, because on the day I noticed the T-shirt and decided to buy it I had not experienced the 1989 mindquake, or all the events that happened in 1989. That was a very difficult year for me. It was nearly overwhelming and would have been except that by 1989 I had begun to have a sense of understanding the new 'context' that emerged from this kind of event that happened in an every day situations.
That vignette follows: .
. The T-Shirt event happened when I was beginning to read books about quantum physics. I'd already begun to have a strange sense of reading words in a book, whatever book I was reading, that was familiar to me. The word 'resonate' did not occur to me but its not a word I heard commonly in 1987 or thereabouts. It's quite common now.
Between 1984 and 1988 my mind had been a very busy territory, my body had been a miserably uncomfortable shell and I was struggling in every aspect of my life. By 1988 however I had begun to notice that my mind was somehow purposefully at work. A word would come into my thought, such as 'covert', it would linger about for several days, then the word 'overt' would join 'covert'. "What is the difference between 'covert' and 'overt'? I wondered to myself one day. Writing the two words down I noticed that a 'c/see' was not only a difference but a similarity. A 'covert' thing is 'not seen', no 'c' but 'overt' is seen.
This was 'strange doings' because it did not seem to me at that point that I was not doing the 'thinking, it was new however. I was noticing productions in my mind that emerged spontaneously, apparently for no reason and eventually there seemed to be a purpose behind the 'inserted thought words' or retrieved memories that haunted me at that point in Time.
There is a connection in this Beethoven/Einstein/Twain string to the second mindquake which happened in 1989. It was an event that built upon everything that happened after 1984, until 1989. One big change was that I had begun to read a kind of book that I'd never read before, non-fiction. It was very uncomfortable to read, the words seemed to fall into a black hole but I was 'driven', literally, to read books that came to my attention in a variety of places.
When I fully recognized that Beethoven, Einstein and Twain was a form of 'speaking my name' to me, I had become aware already that my last name had been 'told' to me, because my last name had been part of the 1989 'mindquake'.. It was an almost impossible to describe event, involving personal circumstances in the real world as well as much from my past, but I was made aware in this second stage mindquake, that my last name had been 'told' to me but I had not recognized it myself as specifically as I could have done. It was revealed to me that my last name had been 'spoken' to me.
(In 2000 I went back to the 50th anniversary of my class graduation. One of my classmates had kept a scrap book that was full of things I'd forgotten, such as the name of the play we had presented when I was a senior: Calm Yourself, by George Eldridge. If anyone made any reference to the authors name and mine being the same, I had forgotten it! I'd remembered several details about the play, but NOT that one!)
It's very easy now to write what I experienced more than a decade ago, the material has become closer to speech than it was when it was happening, every day, all day, for years.
I will write about that also as best I can.
I'd read a book when I was in my teen years, titled My First Two Thousand Years but I'd forgotten it until one day in the mid 80's. The title words "My First Two Thousand Years" came to mind along with an urge to read it again.
The book had been interesting but not so compellingly that I remembered it fondly the way I had other books. When the title came to mind I couldn't even remember the author's name so I went to the library to find the book I was amused to find out it was authored by two men: George Eldridge and Peter Vierck. The author had the same last name I had. This detail was not significant to me that day, it was a tad funny, just a bit funny that I'd not been able to remember THAT particular name.
I remembered that My First Two Thousand Years was about Cartophilus, the wandering Jew. He had lived a continuous life for 2000 years, never aging for 2000 years. He'd known kings, lived through great periods of turmoil and been a witness to great changes but he had not changed or aged himself. He became aware because he didn't die, that he had been 'cursed' because he'd mocked Jesus when he carried the cross. He had been a childhood companion of Jesus in the book and he really loved Jesus. Being a Roman he did as the Roman life required of him when Jesus carried the cross to Gethsemane. Cartophilus was in the crowd of people who jeeringly urged Him to do a miracle that would save Himself. What he hoped was that Jesus would save himself but Jesus looked at him and said: "Thou shall tarry till I return."
As time passed Cartophilus did not age normally, he remained just as he had been, a handsome young man. That aroused envy, then fear in others so that he had to keep moving. During the 2000 years of his life he was a witness to an ongoing drama, knowing important people and being present through out 'history'. He came to a place where something happened to cause him to tell the story of his 2000 years long life.
The point about this 'event' is that a kind of displacement from the book began to 'grow' in my mind after I realized the author had the same name I had and I'd forgotten it. This is the most important idea, that the words in the title were removed from the context of merely a book, another idea emerged gradually, after I'd read The Lord of Thought. Its an old book in which the authors sought to isolate what was unique in Jesus life. That was a new idea to me. After reading it I experienced a kind of event that would be a minor 'mindquake' although I didn't recognize it then, concerning what had really been the net effect of Jesus life. His life had a 'net effect' that suddenly loomed into my thought, a rather large package of thought. The authors of the book had not mentioned that a 'zero' in Time had been inserted. When this 'influx' happened, I believed it was an idea that would be nearly heretical to suggest.
There had been several other experiences in which I had noticed a distinct 'displacement' of words and content from a book I'd read into a completely unrelated idea. I can relate several of them. The idea that 'zero' was inserted into Time was a certain part of the influx but not all of it. I was also made aware that no other religious entity had made such a distinct point about a 'kingdom of heaven' and 'the kingdom of heaven is within you. After I closed the cover of the book the idea that the authors had not really isolated what was unique in the life of Jesus seemed to trigger my thinking about exactly what WAS really new and unique. The influx that followed caused me to feel a deep panic because it would not be possible to relate Jesus life to a rational use of an extra ordinary life, to put direction in Time, a before, after, up, down, and depth and degree. I knew very little about mathematics, barely managed to get through algebra but somehow it seemed the Cartesian graph with its two perpendiculars, the x and the y, and the rather difficult to discern 'z' which is the point of intersection between the x and y was the result of 'zero/0' inserted into Time. The 'depth' of mind that I was experiencing then was basically not possible to distinguish from the regions of mind that were as Emanuel Swedenborg wrote it, close to speech. I could not speak from the depths even when it was possible to 'see/hear' what was there, emerging so precisely timed I believe with events in the world.
Until 1989 I believed the confusing situation in my personal life was purely persona, l involving people I lived with and knew in our square dance endeavor. But after I chanced to read Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco, I noticed the dimmest sense begin to emerge in my thought that what I was really experiencing as painfully confusing and isolating was old, very, very old. The thought formed: "This is old, very, very old." The book is about secret societies, none of whom I had read anything about except that I had noticed the word 'Rosicrucians' in an advertisement in magazines I read.. What had begun as purely personal began to extend beyond my own life after I read that book and for the first time became aware of 'secret keeping societies'. I'd not known of them.
Somehow the idea that a 'two thousand years old idea' was related to the 'flow' of events in my life (and people who seemed to be deeply involved themselves in what I was thinking). The dimmest sense that a 'two thousand years old' idea was behind the new (to me) way of seeing and hearing everything drifted into my mind. The emerging 'sense' that what the book was about, was related in some way to what I was trying to understand, required several events to happen in which I recognized finally, the process of 'displacement' itself and that this was a kind of 'word building tool' being used quite purposefully.
Words in the title of books, as well as the entire content of the book as I read it, had an effect on my head which I felt would burst at times, and my body at times.
But in 1989 I had my 'on the 'john mindquake', I was resting in a toilet cubicle when it happened. The beginning of the 1989 mindquake was hilariously simple. It contained so much 'material' that I can barely hope anyone else will make sense of it. (The location of where it happened, 'on the john' caused me to feel embarrassed until I read Life Against Death by Norman O. Brown. In reading that book sometime in 1995, just when Boeing was ready to initiate a new airplane, the number of which was YA001, I became aware that Martin Luther had one of his major 'mindquakes' when he was on the privy in the tower. The pattern of his 'excremental vision' had become familiar to me in my own life by then. Some individuals live their life where every detail is strictly business, no emotional attachments or 'irrational' reasoning is involved. I'm not criticizing, but the mindset has in 2007 reached global proportions. )
A brilliant image suddenly formed, in Technicolor of my hand with my silver colored lower bridgework in it. My other hand reached in, picked it up and turned it over, once, then again and again. Thought words emerged: "Turn it over again. . Chew on it some more. "Think about the whole thing. Think about the implications of the whole thing." Many, many ideas from books I'd read after 1984 came to mind behind 'think about the whole thing' but something quite specific came to mind behind 'think about the implications of the whole thing'. The word 'wholeness' and 'implications' each generated a string of events that included how I'd felt when I read David Bohm's Wholeness and the Implicate Order. But it extended back to incidents in my early life when I'd wondered if my being any place, just seeing something, made any difference. I had read The Symbolic and The Real by Ira Progoff without any comprehension of what he meant by 'real' and symbolic'. I had wondered to myself what the word 'wholeness', which he used many times, meant. So many books used terms like 'wholeness' and 'consciousness' but I had not a whit of understanding about what they meant. More than I can write about in a linear form came into my thought, but the most important fact was that I was made aware that I'd had an unrecognized 'mindquake' one night in 1982 and it was important because I had not noticed the beginning of the changes in my hearing and speech was not in my home, but outside of my home. It was a change I had believed was due to changes in my marital 'bond', but it had begun in an unrelated situation. The man I had become so strangely aware of and that I felt a terrible need to get to know had been living a basically identical life to the life I was living in 1982, but many, many events had to happen before that became distinct. I was made aware in this 'toilet mindquake' that this man who had been in a dream that was so vivid I felt warm, human touch and I were basically identical in our marital relationship, in ways I could not have suspected. My 'strange attraction' towards him had it's real origin in what was going to happen in 1984 and afterwards. I would have continued to believe my husband had deliberately (or unconsciously) brought about the terrible double bind situation I found myself in by 1982 and afterwards, when in fact he was and still is completely unawares of how that happened. It was made clear to me that the entire event had it's origin outside of what we experience as 'normal time' . And that 'My First Two Thousand Years' was an idea that began at a certain point but which was an ongoing endeavor in Time, related currently to religion without any recognition that religion itself is about whether we are alone in the universe.
I was made aware in that 'toilet' event that I had been named on this planet, my location was at many times made distinct to me, and I had been taught information I'd not previously known, I had learned a language that in a real way taught itself, I had only to notice how it was being 'given'. There was not however any way I could accept what was made clear to me because even then I didn't understand much that was important. I knew nothing about philosophy, history, or religions, mathematics or such.
I'd read somewhere that C. G. Jung believed that nothing could restore a sick person into their life 'story' or create a sense of wholeness except a sense of holiness. It plagued me that I could not grasp what 'wholeness' meant but one day an impulse arose in me to write down the words: wholeness and holiness. What is the difference?
The difference came rather sweetly and comically. I smiled when I noticed the 'w-e' in wholeness was exchanged for an "i". Somehow the literalness of this, 'we' that is exchanged for an 'I', was more than comically sweet: it made sense because I had wondered to myself about the odd term 'human being'. 'Hu-man?" What is the difference between 'man' and 'hu'-man? He-you-'man'? . The batch of information that flooded my mind behind "Think about the implications of the whole thing." brought back the way an impulse emerged that caused me to re-read a book whose author was the same as my last name. My First Two Thousand Years, the authors name having been 'forgotten' had been brought to my attention, for a reason.
It was 'given' to me to understand that my name had been 'brought to my attention', or 'told to me' in that event. But more, much more was in this batch of information: one item was concerned with how I had begun to become aware, quite slowly in the three years after 1984 of a purposeful intent at work in my mind. It was visibly purposeful in several incidents that I will write about in detail later, where impeccable timing was involved, between what I was doing physically and something I was reading and a thought that was generated by what I was physically doing. A kind of 're-generation' occurred of the thought content, and it was distinctly noticeable in this circumstance.
I had become aware by 1989 of having something shown to me as though I were in school, learning something from a teacher that I could not see. After being caused to 'think about the implications of the whole thing' I knew for certain, that I had been shown in detail the answer to a hint in a book I'd read in my twenties that there is a secret about the insane, just around the corner, just out of sight from us. I realized in a flash that I had been named, shown a complete idea after the basis for the idea had been abstracted from a book in which it had been embedded, (hidden) and that I had been guided to that idea and had recognized being guided. I had actually noticed the workings in my mind when I chanced to re-read The Bridge Of San Luis Rey when I was in my mid forties along with Childhood's End.
I had observed how the idea had been 'abstracted' and brought into prominence in my mind and was curious when my own mind formed a complete thought from two fragments abstracted from the two books. "...and the insane...? I watch them sometimes and it seems to me there is a secret about them, just around the corner, just out of sight..." from The Bridge Of San Luis Rey. And from Childhood's End, "..it is an abyss across which few......unaided find their way." The two fragments from different books were generated as automatically as Beethoven, Einstein and Mark Twain had been, as well as what followed: "How did Mark Twains name get to be associated with two geniuses like Beethoven and Einstein?"
This was made very clear to me, that on Earth I had been moved about, caused to do certain activities and say quite a lot that ordinarily I would never have said or done. I was a times horrified that I could not say and do what I intended, something else came out of my mouth, my body did not seem to be my own any more.
A new kind of perception caused me to 'see myself', and to 'hear myself' from a kind of detached viewing point. It was difficult to establish that 'self observation' was in fact a process at work. Those activities and my lack of control over what I said to at least one important person in my life, a person I wanted to believe I was not 'insane' or irrational anguished me and puzzled me. There were situations in which I saw and heard myself without realizing I had lost control of myself in the early 1980's but I remembered what I said in the early 1980's and wondered about the content several years later!
I had 'spontaneous speech' and 'spontaneous activities', losing control and personal volition. I had become aware of being 'controlled' the way a vehicle in orbit is controlled and manipulated, I felt manipulated and became extremely curious about everything that I was experiencing.
When I realized that I had been 'told' my name, and that I'd learned the 'secret about the insane' as I began to understand the meaning of certain 'symptom's I'd read on medical charts when I was seeing a psychiatrist,
I had felt that I was being controlled from afar, the way a space satellite is controlled from afar. There's a lot I can write about how I chanced to become entranced with a red Datsun station wagon. When I read the license tab to get it registered, I read ETW 651 noticing the spontaneous generation in my mind of Extra Terrestrial Woman 651. That's odd and it had never happened to me before. Because that happened in early 1984, before the first mindquake, there was only a sense of mild amusement, I could not have understood that I really felt 'spaced out' myself, increasingly so, every day. The automobile ETW 651 has a long string of events connected to the pi- mindquake, which happened a few months after the 'on the John' mindquake that introduced me to the idea of what 'anality' really means and where it began.
This happened, it is not something I could have foreseen would happen when I decided to re-read the book, "My First Two Thousand Year'. Nor could I have known it was 'food' for a much larger mindquake in the fall of 1989. Many events happened after 1984 and were incorporated in the astonishing 'image' that was of a mundane object like my 'lower bridge work'. That was a limited time span, specific and very limited until the 1989 event opened up a certain flow of experience that I'd not realized was there, because it was infrequent, and it involved people who were not closely related to me, they were strangers basically.
This 1989 event revealed that I'd had an introductory 'mindquake' in 1982 and it happened outside of my personal life, I simply had not made that connection, but absolute proof was given to me, that I was not 'thinking' this or imagining it myself. This event prevented me from believing someone in my personal life was the real origin of the entire 'drama' that had built up, which I had believed up to that point. There's a lot of background I would have to write about how this happened. Two people I knew only casually through our passion for squaredancing had become a kind of 'focus' of attention, for reasons I couldn't have suspected. In this event it was made very evident: each of these individuals was living a life nearly identical to the life I was living! And for a time the casual offhand words said by one of these individuals seemed to be exactly what I was thinking or to respond to something I had in mind but had not spoken about!
Between 1982 and 1984 these two people were 'fascinating' to me, for reasons I would never have been able to know or understand, but they were living an identical life at that point, in their home, to the life I was living in my home. I had never tried to describe anything 'non-physical' at that point.
I was made aware in that 1989 event that I had been named in a different way as well as that what I was actually doing had been accurately described many times in a particular form.
This 'form' involved retrieving memories from my past when the content of the memory fitted perfectly in a symbolic way with something happening in my 'now'. I will write of some of those because they were extremely precisely timed to occur, that was evident. It is important to understand that I had learned from my own experiences that 'meaningful coincidences' is another name for the symptom known as 'ideas of reference' which is defined as 'getting personal messages from irrational sources'. (!!!) I became aware that there is a doubleness involved in this kind of experience, one involving a 'literal sense', that created the sense of being 'talked to'. I had found out from harsh, bitter experience that this so called symptom of delusional thinking has a logic of it's own, and is a different kind of logic than 'normal rational minded' people experience but Carl G. Jung had grasped the logic and I had not heard or read of C. G. Jung when the 'sense' of such events and how they related to my life became evident to me .
The kind of 'coincidence' created is formed from personal memories, personal understanding, even if it's wrong, and from whatever is visible in the external world at the moment. There was nothing magical or mystical involved at any point until I tried to describe to a psychiatrist what was happening. I did not know much about psychiatry!
Yet it is very common experience! Authors normally do exactly the same thing! I had learned from this process that a kind of 'abstraction of material' from other books takes place in any authors' mind, forming the bibliography, the end notes, the references at the end of almost any non-fictional book authored by a less than original author!
I have had very few images occur in my mind unless I'm asleep but two happened in 1989. The 1989 mindquake began with an image, a brilliant image that flipped suddenly into my mind while I was trying to rest a few minutes, in of all places a toilet cubicle. I had my eyes closed and drifted into a somewhat drowsy state, when quite suddenly the image of a hand came into my mind, and in it was my lower bridgework. In a flash a hand reached into the scene, picked up the bridgework and turned it over, then over again and again rapidly. Thought words emerged: "Chew on it some more. Turn it over some more. Chew on the whole thing. Think about the whole thing."
I watched, listened to the flow that followed and understood it almost immediately. This kind of 'symbolic representation' and it's accompanying thought makes sense to me now, but in 1989 it was still barely unexplainable as well as virtually unbelievable, even though I experienced it continually. I had become aware that Emanuel Swedenborg's term 'double thought' was another way to describe some attributes of 'meaningful coincidence' or 'synchronicity'.
The 'sense' of what was being 'said' to me by the image and the few words of thought emerged along with masses of information that I recognized had relation to books I'd read after 1984. To give some kind of context I've mentioned that David Bohm's book, Wholeness And the Implicate Order had seemed oddly familiar to me when I read it soon after reading Paul Davies Other Worlds. The 'whole thing' related to that book but other experiences with the word 'wholeness' that would be tedious to have to read, given my less than scholarly style of writing. Many different events were 'compressed' behind "think about the whole thing", but something was made quite clear that I'd not thought about myself: the first stage of this strung out mindquake had happened in 1982, one night when I noticed for the first time a strange new addition to what was in front of my eyes.
Then quite suddenly this image of my 'lower bridgework' (??!!) was followed by the second stage mindquake: an enormous amount of information suddenly bloomed and this had to happen quite rapidly, nearly impossible to describe how much 'information' was suddenly initiated after: "Think about the whole thing."
The most important detail related to an evening in 1982 when I had looked around the room waiting for a squaredance lesson to begin. I looked around me, seeing people in a different way, something new was added that caused a thought: "This is impossible. How on Earth will I ever explain this? And who on Earth will ever believe me?"
What happened was simple, but it came all at once and I could not understand this until much later, as a package containing 'information' that I had to learn to 'decode'. Memories were brought back, that I can realize now, really expressed in their content what was happening at the moment, in 1982.
A memory came into my mind of a certain day when I was in a new school, along with a long string of other memories that I'd forgotten about until they were 'displayed' rapidly, all at once, yet somehow individually. There had been certain experiences of 'coincidence' between 1982 and 1984 that had nothing to do with my life at home, with my husband or my family. They had a significance I'd not realized until it was made clear to me: the 'whole thing' had begun outside of my home, it had begun with a 'strange attraction' to a man and wife who ran a challenge level square dance club we'd belonged to.
The man had been in the dream and I had not recognized that after the dream, thought about the dream was generated in my mind, an endless stream of thought. I was astonished that a dream could actually generate so much content about one person and I did not mention this dream, except to refer to 'non-stop thinking'. Nobody asked about the content. . There was nothing sexual or personal in my 'fascination' with this man. I wanted to talk to him, to get to know him because of certain remarks his wife had made about him that did not seem to me to be accurate descriptions of him. The stream of thought was always about him, and the dream and I watched/listened day and night, 24/7/365 for more than 4 years to that stream!
The content of the stream was different by 1989, and I'd not recognized that either. The content had veered slowly away into completely different territory but I had made no connection between the original 'streaming thought' and it's content as it changed very slowly, veering away from this one man and the dream. The one stream of thought was isolated in a distinct way from 'other thought generating levels/bands/states of mind' in the 1989 mindquake., and it's very great depths until 1984 was made very distinct because I had not been able to 'speak' even one word from that very deep and remote place in my mind. It was literally inexpressable, I believe until some 'match' was encountered in the exterior world, not just words but situations, events, circumstances.
The idea had not occurred to me that a single stream of thought that simply never stopped after it began, had filled my primary attention after the dream. And it had replaced external events as the primary focus of attention, but that was not discernable then. I could do nothing but watch/listen to this stream, it was primary to an individual who knew nothing about psychiatric ideas, philosophies, history, mathematics or much of anything.
Everything that had been 'normal' to me was secondary after the dream, but I was unawares of the depths of mind from which this stream emerged, until after 1989 had been somewhat 'digested'. I'd become able to relate to the content of that stream more immediately in the 5 years since 1984. I believe at this point that the content of this 'stream of thought' met it's match at times specifically in the exterior world, exactly and precisely timed to do so, that was very evident. In a 'general sense' it happened all the time after 1984 and many times it happened specifically. The 'doubleness' I experienced was confusing when it happened sporadically in 1982, so it did not seem to be the same 'thing' when it ceased being sporadic and was continual. The 'discrete' event seemed to be a different kind of event than the continuous flow of events.
It would seem easy to relate 'now' to an event in my mind, when it emerges, but I had observed very great distance between the 'event' and being able to write about that content. There was even more space and much greater effort was required between being able to speak immediately about it. and 'seeing' the event when it actually happened. This took a long time to experience, that certain events can happen in the mind early in life, that are aimed towards the future.
It was made very evident that I had believed the inner drama that seemed to have begun with my home life and situations in my actual real life with my family had begun with the couple. At that point in time they lived an identical life to the life I lived at home. I had learned more about their life and their situation by 1989, and found out something quite amazing one day: the nationality of the woman was identical to the nationality of my husband. This became evident quite slowly between 1982 and 1989: that this couple that I'd been 'attracted towards' for no reason I could see, at that point in Time, living the same life I was. The words the man said, were the first that one night in 1984 were the exact words that were retrieved when the 1984 event was initiated: "You've got to get this right the first time." had a completely different context then. They were very close, but in a strange way that was puzzling to me. Somehow deeply enmeshed, I would use the word 'bonded' to each other so that they lived basically as one person. And one of them had told me that was what they wanted to do.
And this was how I was living prior to 1984, two individuals that were really bound together in their 'unconsciousness', living a life determined by the husband's knowledge and experiences as a 'man'. This is difficult to write without seeming to be denigrating anyone, or male bashing, but I became aware there is no counterpart in language for certain words that as a female, I heard many times; ball breaker in particular. I had never heard the two words: male menopause joined together even once in my life by the time I was 50 years old!
The 'marital bond' created a new kind of mind in me as it eventually became evident occurs in many couples. This changes many ideas about why people do not relate to each other, but I had not suspected this even in 1984. After 1984, the marital bond extended into a depths that I'm certain created a 'new mind', and it was this 'new mind' that processed the 'voice' and the experiences related to the zeitgeist. It has been getting ready for 1984, that night in 1982 when I noticed a strange 'difference' in how people in the room looked, and the batch of memories from my past emerged into my mind as a 'string'.
The meaning of the memories was symbolic, but when I understood them I realized they were 'speech', used in the form I learned to understand after 1984 as the conversation of this entity. It was a symbolic representation but in a literal sense there was a 'fact' about my life being stated to me. What I was doing that night was 'told' to me using memories from my past, that were 'true' in 1982, as they had been when the actual event happened. I had looked around the room, seeing people who were gray-haired but a thought had come into my mind: "I am in a room full of adolescents." Along with the thought there was a memory of myself in a schoolyard, lonely and angry because my parents had moved so I was in a new school, not the junior high school I'd expected to enter when I was in the 7th grade. A classmate had come over to talk to me, asking me questions so that I didn't feel so lonely any more. I had left a familiar school and entered a new junior high school , surrounded by strangers.
I was at that point, surrounded by 'teen agers' even though they were mature looking, I was in a new school, and some new 'friend' was attempting to make me aware of this 'change' by retrieving similar memories or circumstances from my past.
There was a display of a memory I'd completely forgotten about until it was replayed: my grandmother had unraveled a large rose colored doily she's crocheted into a big pile of rose colored twine. She had tossed it onto my stomach when I was laying on the sofa and said to me: "Find one end of the string and without cutting it or breaking it, unravel any knots and wind it into a nice round ball so I can make something new out of it. I had done what she told me to do. That memory emerged along with the idea that somehow when she tossed it onto my tummy it had remained there, still a tangled mass where I had to find one end of the twine and it was the 'line of thought' for an idea associated with certain words, very exact words: "The importance of an observer."
Those words were the 'beginning of the thread', but I didn't relate to them that night, I recognized them when I read them in Paul Davies book, Other Worlds and then realized they had occurred along with the memory of the mass of tangled rose colored thread in my tummy!. This requires an enormous amount of information about my past, about how I used to wonder to myself, as I lived my life if my being anywhere, made anything happen or if my just seeing something made a difference.
(The 'acting out' physically of what I did in putting my ear close to the speaker, listening for the music that was embedded in the noise, was a pre-vision of something ahead of me in Time. The 'listening through the static' in my real life was displaced when I was in my early 50's, and applied into a completely unsuspected activity.).
As time passed I began to understand much that seemed only weird by the year 1988. It was a very busy year and much happened that I understood after I'd the third 'mindquake'. Everything became more clear then because it was obvious this was an experience 'given' to me, not generated or controlled by my own will, normal world needs and purposes. I was watching and listening to something that was working 'behind the scenes', but there was always a distinct relationship to my particular and unique past. .
To be continued:....
I was having problems in every area of my life but it was the problems that generated the flow of 'unlikely occurrences'. Something new was added. Everything looked different to me, yet when I looked to see what was different there wasn't anything different. At times I heard differently, very rarely at first, then it happened more frequently until after 1984 this change in hearing was everywhere. It had slipped over every moment, somehow transparent in itself, but changing every detail beneath it. I had problems that I'd never had before remembering what I read, getting to familiar places and my body seemed 'trembly' so that I couldn't sit or lay still for long.
Let me add a bit of clarifying information: I've always read a lot. That didn't change even when I couldn't remember what I'd just read. I had begun to read books about quantum physics in 1986 as best as I can date it, beginning with Other Worlds by Paul Davies and then David Bohm's book, Wholeness and The Implicate Order. (That book seemed familiar for some reason that I can only describe as relating to something I'd said to certain people: "what you see is what you get". What I meant by this was that a person only looks for what they believe or expect to see, but I could not have put it that way in 1986. )
By 1988 I'd read several other books about quantum physics, but I had not yet made the trip to Chicago that proved to be a critical point in preparing for the 1989 mindquake. I went to the Museum of Science and Industry where I spent most of the day re-watching two exhibits over and over. One of them was a study of objects in slow motion that had a supremely beautiful music background. The other was a moving image that illustrated the movement of electrons in their orbital around the nucleus of the atom. I must have watched both of them thirty or more times that day but quite suddenly I 'understood' a term I'd read many times in books: the electron cloud. I had wondered what an electron cloud was. It seemed evident after I watched the exhibit that the electrons, each in their 'shell' must move so rapidly it would seem to be a 'cloud' if one could see them. Like moving sparklers at night leaves a trail of light, this 'cloud' was 'empty' even though it looked continuous. It became evident to me then , that it would not be possible to establish both the exact location and speed of an electron because it would not be possible to establish a beginning point and an end point. Both a beginning and an end point are required to determine speed and distance. I'd only begun to think about such ideas as 'motion' and what it is really time.
That day before I left I bought the printout that told me how many days I'd been alive. Count the DAYS? It had not occurred to me to calculate how many day's I'd been alive: 20, 956 as of May 18, 1989. That trip opened a new door into 'time'.
1.This function of mind is difficult to discern as to how it operates because many of events that can be spread out over a period of decades are involved. When an event happens that 'completes' a string, all of the events on that string can be presented as inner content. To make my point explicit: This 'string' is displayed in 'movie like' arrangement but this happens in a flash of time.
2.It creates information, in what can be thought of as a kind of artificial voice although 'pictures' are presented. The 'voice' attribute emerges gradually after many unexpected attributes of the 'function' are understood. The process requires displacement of original contexts, as well as an attribute of 'self' reference', and an attribute that is difficult to describe but simple to illustrate, using what is 'old' (memories or particular ways of understanding) that are unique to the individual.
3.The experience creates a conversational tone overall over a period of time that can vary quite widely. Coincidence is part of the effect of the transcendent function. Some 'coincidences' have to develop over a period of decades.
4.Quite suddenly a 'bundled' event occurs and the meaning is revealed almost like a movie compacted into a fraction of a second. By that I mean the mind presents. a 'string of events' as a single unit and the incident reveals that a surprising function of mind has been at work, a kind of 'memory search' has taken place, abstracting certain events has taken place, and a mental mechanism has assembled the events,. regenerated the entire 'string' as a unit, with no space between events.
5.When the package or 'bundle of events' is presented, this conveys by implication that there has been unsuspected connections to seemingly unrelated events that happened in the past. Getting meaning emerges the way understanding develops in watching a movie, but everything happens at speeds beyond ordinary time.
By that point in Time, there had been several other 'odd' happenings that concerned Einstein's monumental equation. I had been reading a book in which e=mc2 was on the page. As I looked at it, I paused because a memory of something a sixth grade teacher had said about equations came into my mind. "What is on one side of the 'equals sign' is the same as what is on the other side except the arrangement is different." I paused at that point, remembering how Mr. Bullock had tried to make arithmetic easy. The entire event seemed to be replayed in a flash of time. Then another unrelated thought came as I looked at the formula: "I wonder if that means what it looks like it means?" I experienced a vague sense of what the answer to the question was but they were was indistinct words, inexpressible. But they were quite specific words. I met them later, and recognized them as the words that had come into my mind after the question framed itself.. They were in a book, Atom, Matter and Physics by Alan Nourse, a Seattle physician.
At about that point in Time (1987 as best I can date it) I had been amused to notice one day that the letters and number in the equation reversed into a kind of symbolic anagram, the kind that used to be a daily feature along with cross word puzzles etc on the comics page. .
I saw it quite unexpectedly, it was not something I tried to find: the letters, number and symbol in e = m c 2 can be reversed with only a slight re-arrangement into this: = 2 c me. (equals to see me) A spontaneous association formed in my mind that related 'equals 2 c me' to the statement Einstein supposedly made: "Nonsense, God does not play dice." (gamble, take risks).. This association formed because I had begun to suspect a kind of 'game', perhaps a very great risk was in fact behind the 'sentence' that changed e = mc2 into = to see me.
My grandmother's name was Risk, although that didn't particularly seem significant until recently.
A pile of events in my past had brought Einstein into focus. I had begun reading books about quantum level physics but a terrible change in my body had caused me to be seeing psychiatrists because there was nothing physical to account for my misery. There was a situation between my husband and I that was steadily making my life continually anguishing. We both had a passionate interest in learning challenge level square-dancing, in fact we had met at a squaredance. It had changed very much by 1975 when our children were old enough to want their evenings to do what they wanted to do. On thing that changed radically was the elimination of gender based positions. There were no male and female roles so it was necessary to learn what the other sex did. (THINK ABOUT THIS!) This new, very complicated level of squaredancing angered mainstream friends for several reasons: it was difficult becausehaving all gender roles and relationships eliminated made squaredancing much more difficult to do. At that point in Time, this was an especially critical situation because AIDS emerged at about that point in Time, and the largest group of advanced and challenge level dancers were a club of gay and lesbian individuals. When they decided to begin to dance with other clubs this brought about an unusual situation, there was no way it could be avoided...they had to be made welcome and treated with friendliness. That's what made squaredancing the wholesome activity we enjoyed ourselves, we were accepted and made to feel we were part of a kind of family. We had very little social life otherwise. .
Our mainstream club relationship changed radically when we went into the next higher level, leaving the mainstream level to learn mainstream plus and then into advanced and challenge levels. For the first time I began to experience what it felt like to be discriminated against. We were discriminated against by our mainstream level club, mainly by the caller who broke the first commandment of being a good caller, but making remarks from the stage whenever he saw us make a mistake. I felt singled out, I felt embarrassed and mortified but my husband did not seem affected by what affected me to the point of anguish.
Between 1975 and 1984 we went squaredancing with the same passion that many people attend church several times a week and saw the same people frequently.
Then something strange seeped into our 'hobby'. A situation that made me feel an almost unbearable sense of seeing something 'unspeakable' developed. When I became aware of it the first time, I felt stifled, and felt a terrible sense of grief, anguish and despair without really knowing why but it was in relation to this situation which was quite simple: I noticed that my favorite caller and his wife believed I had a crush on him. What I felt was something quite different, and it was literally unspeakable: I felt the deepest pity for him without having any reason for feeling that depth of a mixture of anguish, greif, and pity for someone I barely knew and had a great difficulty in talking to. I wanted so badly to get to know him but there was no reason why it was so important. The sense of being unable to say what I wanted to say, to set the record straight I could not say. I felt stifled, prevented, restrained and literally began to feel 'bottled up'. It hurt my body, I began to weep at times, hours at a time, and could not understand how my body produced that many tears until several years later I read the term 'archetypal weeping'.
By 1982, this situation and problems I was having in my home had brought about a specific condition in which I felt wretched, but somehow required to understand. In 1981 we were in California at Christmas time and something happened when we went to the Roseville Auction that cannot be explained by randomness, accident or chance. I felt very bad then, felt like I moved in a haze, distanced from everything. This was a big change, feeling somewhat comatose.
Yet I felt somehow required to 'act like' and 'talk like' I normally did and was barely able to do that. I had to lay down and rest frequently. My body felt 'quivvery', trembly, wavy, all the time. I could not sit still, lay still or be upright for any length of time. We went to the auction and after passing by one vendors stand, I walked back to it, leaned over and picked a book out of a box laying on the asphalt. "How much is this?" I asked as I looked in the front of it to see the name of it. There wasn't a name on the jacket, I saw a publication date of 1895 and that was this was the 10th printing. .It was an unusual book, covered in a tan suede, less than a third the thickness of a deck of cards and about the same size. When the vendor said: "A quarter.", I paid for it and put it in my pocket. Later I went to our van to rest. I took out the book and read the first line: "To you who read, I AM come. To you who read, I AM speaking." The words caused me to quickly close the book, put it back in my pocket and try to recover some sense of what 'normal' meant. I had felt the words in my body as though a person spoke them directly to me, and I cannot emphasize enough, this was a new experience. Startling, unexplainable and nearly overwhelming;
That little book, The Impersonal Life was published by The DeVorss Company. I know this is going to read as absurd, but the way my most intimate male companion said the word 'divorce' was 'DeVorss', and at that point in Time 'divorce' was a word I had begun to hear him say. This strange association did not occur to me then, it was several years later that I recognized it.
It was in 1982-3 that I realize now I was beginning to feel a sense of confusion at times in a square dance related situation so that my head 'swam' literally. I felt 'unbalanced' literally for no reason and it was difficult to try to be 'normal'. It was only after 1989 that I realized the 'strangeness' I had experienced occasionally but which had become pervasive by 1984 y had began to happen in this square dance setting. A few events had happened that I noticed, but did not think about until later when such events began to happen consistently, persistently and somehow there seemed to be a dreadful sense that I needed to try to understand what was happening. By 1984 I was in a constant state of near overwhelm, unable to do anything that had formerly been easy to do. The world looked different and sounded different to me, but in those few events that had happened between 1982 and 1983 had been such that for a few moments I 'saw' and 'heard' something that in ordinary normal life would not have seen or heard at all. Then after 1984 there was no normal, at least not my 'normal'. I did recognize rather slowly that the form that governed, overlaid is a good word to use, what I was seeing and hearing now was the 'normal' way my husband saw and heard.I felt exactly what I have described, and made a distinct statement about it to the first psychiatrist that I went to. I had never heard of or read the term 'folie aux duex' when I told him that it seemed to my my husbands' viewpoint was 'sitting on top of my own viewpoint' and that I was looking up, and out, seeing through it, the world. It altered everything without altering any thing at all. That was what confused me for several years, how a simple change could alter every thing that's out there, outside our body, but actually change nothing.
This condition was actually diagnosed to me as a 'folie aux duex', or 'the same disease shared by two people' but in the most casual way. Nothing like 'treatment' or even acknowledgement that I had become aware of it myself, ever occurred. I knew nothing about psychiatric terms or ideas, Freud's name was the only name I knew about. I'd read cartoons about 'shrinks' or heard his name in movies and read it in romance stories. I had never thought of a mental condition or state of mind as a disease, and let me make this clear right now, I don't believe disease describes the 'uniting of two minds', which was really what happened. It was a role reversal of sorts, but the timing of when this role reversal occurred is the most remarkable fact. It was timed to occur when there was a new world entering fully into our own planets affairs.
There have been many books written in the past about points of change, M. Scott Peck's book, A New World Waiting To Be Born was the first I encountered however, because I knew very little about history, philosophy or the past at until about 1989/1990.
All of these circumstances fit together somehow into a single flow of circumstances, nothing was separate, everything related to this 'strange kind of event that went on and on and on'.