The Story about The Hill

It all began with  an  event that happened when I was about 13 years old,  that would have been in 1945, shortly after the end of WW2. 

I liked to ride my bicycle  to a bridge that's just outside Ladoga, Indiana where I lived. It's close to a a brick house I liked to look at as  I stood by the bridge.  There were  places nearby that were wonderfully cool on hot days  and sunny places to sun bath, so I went there often in the summer. On this day I'd walked through a field across the road from the bridge to the top of a high hill  then laid down to enjoy the delicious summer sun. After a while I suppose I went halfway to sleep, but my eyes were open, looking at the blue sky.  Drowsy thoughts about how far away  the sky was, how distant were the stars at night  flowed through my mind. Musing about how far way everything was, my thought was about the distance between me and the stars, the sun, the planets.  

Suddenly I had the feeling  of  looking up to a huge blue bowl above me. I had never experienced the sky as being 'like' a 'bowl' but that is how it seemed to me. Suddenly I felt in my body that I was an unimaginably small speck laying on the surface of a huge ball hanging in space. I felt the space around me,  I felt a frightening feeling of  isolation, of being alone in all that space.  There are no words that can describe how I felt the presence of my body on an enormous surface that  was surrounded itself by nothingness that more than dwarfed me. The feeling exposed my size in so much space that it HURT  in a  real physical  location: 'in the pit of my stomach', literally.  That's a term I'd heard but not realized had any 'literalness' to it until I felt it.  It was an agonizing body that I was in,  so alone, so isolated in all that space.  A thought occurred into my mind:  "All human beings think. Thought is the common denominator of all human beings.  "We must be IN something, or ON something. And thought must DO something." 

  When I left the hill that day I didn't think of the event, it vanished.  There was no thought about the unusual event, no memory of it until a day in 1984 when the memory was retrieved exactly as I had experienced it.   It was retrieved while I was trying to fit the pieces of a circular skirt pattern onto a remnant of warm brown mirror image plaid.  I was in an anguished state of mind and body that day feeling driven by a powerful motor that had begun when I saw the remnant as I passed through a fabric shop on my way to my car.  I don't know why I noticed the remnant and paused to pick it out from the pile of remnants. The memory of a pattern I'd owned but not opened came to my mind along with the urgent demand to use that pattern and the remnant NOW! I went home and got the pattern, opened it.  It was not a simple skirt; it had a complicated pocket design and required matching curved pieces on the one way mirror image remnant, a detail I hadn't noticed until I began to lay the pieces onto the remnant.  I didn't have enough fabric and couldn't get more.

 As I worked, emotionally strained and pressured, a thought occurred:  " You've got to get this right the first time." followed by another thought: "What you get used to gets to be normal."

 Then a puzzling thing happened, I remembered having heard "You've got to get this right the first time." and then:"What you get used to gets to be normal." said by a real person recently! The square dance caller in the dream that had initiated the ongoing stream of thought about this caller had said them. He had said the words to his class when he was introducing a new difficult dance   movement, named: "cast a shadow".  He had looked directly at me briefly as he said those words.   I felt the words in my body, they were referencing an idea I had in my mind about his relationship to his wife, his  students and the club he had  formed ! I had never said anything to anyone about that idea, so I felt a degree of electric shock. The two sentences were retrieved while I anguished so strangely to make a seemingly simple circular skirt and I wondered not at all then about that retrieval of words.  It was several years before I realized the two sentences were to be used and understood in a new and very personal context, a kind of 'voice' attribute was to be understood, that spoke the words directly to me. " You've got to get this right the first time." followed by another thought: "What you get used to gets to be normal."

 Then a thought occurred into my mind: "You are correct. Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future. " followed by the thought and content of that day in 1945 that had occurred into my mind: "All human beings think. Thought is the common denominator of all human beings.  "We must be IN something, or ON something. And thought must DO something."  Then an enormous package of information, memories from my real world past  swooshed into my mind, it was July 31 as best I can remember and the year was 1984.

The memory of that day's unusual event  had vanished from my mind but I remembered it when it was retrieved and I realized that after that day I had never thought even once about the incident until it was retrieved 39 years later in July 1984.  The entire content of that event was the preface for an enormous batch of information, suddenly there, in my mind about my life. Masses of memories were retrieved and assembled into a kind of movie, it happened in a flash of a second or less. A few years later I named the event a mind-quake because it opened along a fault line that exposed  so much that had been hidden from me. I was outraged and griefstricken because the memories exposed my marital bond in a string of events psychically defined. It seemed he had deliberately created a situation that made him want a divorce but also the opposite,  Careful planning was so evident that the grief and outrage I felt towards him because my history as a female was exposed and was unwritten .  All history was male experience.

Every aspect of the event that happened  in 1945 was retrieved in the  first mind-quake in 1984 after these words were spoken by a kind of thought voice that I heard only once:  "You are correct."   That's when the memory was retrieved in every detail, followed  by something that was not real thought words and were not part of the experience I'd had when I was 13.  "Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future.". Those words were followed by so much content that I can't hope to write it down. The visible part of that event was a small part of what I later named a 'mindquake'. Many memories from my past were retrieved, in a flash but I saw each string;  there were many strings of memories, yet each memory was somehow separate.

 I remembered that event only then, when it was replayed exactly as it had occurred when I was 13  years old.  I  felt in my body what I'd felt that day and the thought that was part of it:  "Thought is the common denominator of all human beings. All human beings think. "We must be IN something, or ON something. "   was distinctly associated with "You are correct."  

 I remember recognizing the memory immediately. I knew it had happened but I also realized I had forgotten the event  and had not thought about it afterwards.

The very first thought words, "You are correct."  were new.   I heard them for the first time, that was the only time.   Then almost seamless, no space between any part of it, those words were followed by  an enormous package of  strings of memories of events that had happened in my real life, in my home. The first string of memories begun with an event that had happened the first night of my marriage, a remark my husband had made, followed by other memories of situations between us, such as the first Christmas present he'd given me.

But this was new to me:   an interpretation of what that event meant was conveyed to me! A meaning I could not have guessed or understood when the event had  happened, was part of the retrieved memory!!! Then  a kind of thought, it seemed to be words I heard but was not yet real words, spoke and then other memories were retrieved.  Nothing profound was in the words I heard, my husbands' name was in each statement. Believe me  I am not male bashing, this just happened. The way it happened was the only way I could have learned what I had to learn during the next 5 years. There are couples who are a binary unit, two individuals living as one.  In families it's more  common than not but I didn't suspect that in1984, or in 1975!

I heard: "XXX knew  from the first that you would be able to do for him what he cannot do for himself."  His name was used where I inserted XXX.

"XXX abstracts from the universe only what is useful to himself."

"XXX encourages only what is of benefit to himself."

I felt a response to that immediately. I felt anger because it seemed  I'd been tricked. I was outraged for reasons too complicated to write about at this point but it related to a situation between us. He had changed radically. He seemed relaxed and even satisfied for the first time  but I was in real body distress.  I had no words to describe the misery but I didn't know words to describe non-physical 'things'. I didn't know the words to use but as time passed I recognized  the ones I needed were coming at me! They seemed to know where I was on the planet but I had to discover that later! It was a body-shaking recognition later when my body met information that was embedded in the part of the mindquake that wasn't exposed in the first batch. I began to read non-fiction books that ordinarily I would not have read, I had read fictions almost without exception.

That part was followed by strings of memories  from my past with my husband and  something close to words that illustrated what the words "Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future."  meant, on several levels. ( I knew nothing about levels then.)  (The words were somehow 'spoken' as thought, in a way I've never experienced prior to this event, and never again after the first 'mindquake'. It was a long five years between 1984 and 1989 but by then I'd become aware a purpose filled process was at work and that an 'event' my husband had had when he was about 18 or 19 had somehow replicated or seemed to replicate his mindset in me at just that point in time! During that span of time, I had occasionally heard him in a different way than normal for me. But as time passed and events happened it became  obvious to me this change was a perceptual mode that is common, its a pattern.  The content of a persons life is what creates differences

Most of the package was not visible or heard as 'thought' or experienced in any way. An enormous package of hidden information was obviously part of the package that was visible, it had to be discovered during the next five years as I lived my life and lived the events that filled that 5 years in my job at Boeing. I experienced a difference in my thought, in my body, I heard myself in a different way, I heard every breath I took for quite a long time  while I was doing my job in specific situations, (this phase reminded me of how HAL the computer on 2001 Space Odessey seemed to breathe)  and I lived the events in my private life. Each event affected my body in a way I'd never experienced in my life. I literally felt 'dizzy' and overwhelmed at times.

 I've tried to find a way to explain the event and how it was visible content but that I could not relate to it when it happened.  Or the fact that I'd had to discover it and how I became aware that books I saw my hands select were supplying words and information that was in the  part of the package that I could not see until the words occurred in some way in the exterior world!. What I read in certain books seemed familiar, already in my mind.

 The event 'happened' and obviously a part of me saw/heard/felt it, actually experienced it, but almost a year passed before I began to know it had happened! I heard my own body say things I had no sense of creating but barely noticed this great change!  I  could only relate it to the sound of an advancing thunder storm like we used to have in Indiana. There was a kind of distance because  the package advanced to directly overhead in 1984 on that date,  then moved along and  receded in the distance after dumping the content.

But  years of events (1975-1984)  that I had barely begun to notice in my mind/thought had preceded the point when/where I heard the words: "You are correct.". Then "Patterns of the past are to be the patterns of the future." But the fact that in Time, thousands of years of preparation had occurred was not easy to recognize when it became evident the origin of the content was in Time, thousands of years of events in Time.

1984 had been a target from thousands of years in the past.

8888888888888888888888888888                                    The Created Idea

A preparation for 1984 had occurred in small details through out my life! I saw how my own mind (apparently)  had abstracted two fragments from two different books and joined them into a statement! I had observed my own mind at work, but without much awareness and attention and that had happened in the late 1970s.   I had noticed a sentence  being created in my mind  during the 1970's, but I had not formed it, I had watched it's evolution over a span of decades!.

In those 10 days another part of the package that I couldn't see was 'dumped'. That's the word I used when I began to unpack that content. I didn't suspect  a message and the information necessary to understand it was in the package because encyclopedias of information followed the visible part.

Later, in 1986 as best I can date it, I was reading a book (Other Worlds by Paul Davies) and  I recognized a sentence that was attached to an idea that had been somehow sensed in 1984 although it was deeply embedded in the package:  'the importance of an observer'. Then at that point, that idea was detached  from the book and re-attached to a memory from my past, to something my grandmother  had me do when I was a young girl. about 9 years old. I'll write about that event later.

The package contained a Message, and  probably contained every detail associated with understanding it. It also  contained  the statement of purpose, guidelines and much more. Only future events revealed that hidden part. I had to discover the entire content after it happened, although it was visible to some part of my mind by another part of my mind that was not 'me': the part that is writing this now!

 There was another layer of retrievals of events from my very recent past that I clearly 'heard/saw' in a way that is not like seeing with the physical eye, but I related to that part immediately in a way, but not with any understanding of why I was outraged and grief stricken  immediately.  An almost undescribable part of what I 'saw/heard' involved 5  statements about my husband  and myself! The amazing fact is they were  'thoughts' that had occurred into my mind in the past. They were simple  sentences that had occurred into my mind about another person.  Each sentence had occurred into my mind at different times, but  within the few months previous!  The few sentences had occurred  into my mind while I was looking at a man, the man that was in my dream, the square dance caller. The dream had initiated a 'non-stop' stream of thought about that specific man. It never stopped after it began and I wondered how so muchthought could be generated by a short vivid dream. 

I had an urgent need to get to know him that was very strong and puzzling to me.

The sentences were observations (thought) that had occurred into my mind spontaneously about that man and his wife, and  each  had occurred during an evening of square dancing.

"A man must be able to live his life in his own best interests."

"He has lost the ability to live his life in his own best interests."

"He said the words but the words are hers."

"He does what she wants him to do."

"He is a prisoner in his own body."

I had begun to hear people mention something that seemed strange to me,  that this man was a wonderful square dance caller, but he had no personality. It was a peculiar situation and a  particular change was well under way then, two square dance clubs were trying to introduce advance and challenge levels  to the few mainstream dancers that were willing to try to learn the higher levels. All gender  roles and positions were removed at those levels, and All Position Dancing APD was difficult, not the kind of relaxed fun of mainstream club level dances.  We were not welcomed by mainstream level dancers and I experienced a painful sense of being scorned and laughed at when we couldn't dance to our own caller at times. I noticed an odd situation that began to create what I came to realize (slowly because I'm not a fast learner apparently) was 'mixed signals'. If there are mixed signals, there must be signals. This specific caller and his life situation at the time was such that I was not the only person that noticed his relationships to his wife and members of the faithful few who tried to learn from him.  Only this one caller looked at me one evening and said: "You've got to get this right the first time."   I felt a shock, a real electric shock when he said those words.  Then still looking at me he said; "What you get used to gets to be normal."  He then introduced a new and difficult movement that had many variations. He meant that nobody ever goes back to re-learn something they've learned the wrong way but what I heard related to a question, a thought I'd never talked about to anyone. I felt like the words were said to me in regard to  my unspoken thought.

 The thoughts that had occurred  about  this couple at different times were retrieved as a batch  exactly as they had occurred in my mind but the pronouns and genders were reversed and my name and my husband's name inserted!  My name replaced the 'he, his, him' and my  husband's name replaced  the she, her pronouns.

I have had a few memories of events that happened when I was about 9 year old that re-occurred into my mind later for no reason I could see when I noticed them  when I was in my twenties. ( I believe Emanuel Swedenborg named this kind of returning memory as a 'remains', installed in states of innocence for use in the process of regeneration and P. D. Ouspensky described his experience in his book, A New Model Of The Universe.) One of my re-occurring memories was an event that contained an impersonal 'it' rather than the masculine pronoun. That event is  described in the link, "When it came it did not come as it was expected to come." That event occurred when I was about 9 years old.)

Then the words to two poems flashed into my mind: Invictus which I'd memorized because I liked it and Myself, by Edgar Guest which I had not memorized. My body was infused with the content of the poems. I felt an intense need to be what the words contained.  Following and part of this was information about life,  how to live and provide for the future. I can't describe it except that it was 'instruction' about how to live a decent life, pay bills, have insurance, be honest, there was nothing religious in it. 

The visible part was a package, extremely complicated but it was all memories from my real life, suddenly retrieved, and all as a single unit, nothing was divided or separate. Part of the package was, as best I can describe it 'history', the recorded, described,  stereotyped, commonly sensed history. As I found out later, it was the purely masculine 'Western Philosophical paradigm' that began in ancient Greek symbols of logic in which many are embedded in even today. It was 'infused' into my mind. It was all one package. I had to find that out later. Nothing was more difficult than having to discover every 'bit' of that package later and all of that discovery  happened in my mind when events that happened in my real world life synchronized with certain unspoken thoughts and inner content. But even more unexpectedly and strangely with books I read that just happened to come to my attention in some way

I don't dream like others seem to do.  I was basically awake for more than 7 years after 1980. Every 'bit of information' was experienced by my body, as I lived, read books, and had experiences with certain very specific people in very specific circumstances that could not happen again.

In 1984 in the real world two groups of people were already in a setting in my physical location where events happened that were very specific when my thought and what was happening in front of me began to blend and merge confusingly. They had been introducing higher level dancing since 1977 so we were learning a  new higher level of square dancing, advanced and challenge levels. Those levels required  removing all gender roles. All Position Dancing had to be learned. APD meant every dancer had to learn both male and female roles but there was another important difference:  Learning 'concepts' was part of the new level, one of which required learning to dance with phantoms. The phantom concept added  invisible 'people' to the set. They had to be   'imagined' as they moved and 'interacted' with as though they were really there. When the caller chanted: "In your phantom setup.." the dancers had to notice their formation immediately, because instantly either 2, 4, or more 'phantoms' occupied the 'empty' spots, and they were moving as though they were real people. They had to be interacted with just like they were really there and I froze immediately  when the caller chanted:  "In your phantom setup...." because I had not noticed the formations!

 We had been dancing since 1975 but I had not noticed 'formations' when 'concept calls' were introduced!  The 'concept call' was based on a mainstream level call but added a new section of activity that blended the old movement with new movements. This made a simple movement difficult.  One concept added phantom dancers who  had to be interacted with which meant they had to be tracked mentally.

 This 'phantom' concept and other 'concept calls' forced me to do something I'd never thought about, not even once in my life,  at a point in time when every aspect of my life converged and flowed together into a confusing stream of 'new to me' experiences.

I had to learn to 'visualize' the formations and my movements, in my head. 

 But I could not track myself as I moved through formations that I had not even noticed. I had just danced, noticing nothing. That's how I had lived although I was not aware of being so limited in what I experienced and thought about.  How little curiosity I had stuns me still when I think about my past and try to explain  myself to my offspring.

 In 1984 I didn't know anything that I know now about quantum physics, psychiatry, psychoanalysis and the psychiatric word 'projection', chess, checkers, the I CHING or its history. Or concepts such as the 'moebius twist' although an impulse had caused me to make a moebius band when I was 9 years old, then discover it's hidden forms. That event was one of my remains, because only an impulse caused me to make the moebius band and then discover its hidden forms. I learned this privately, so the impulse was preparing for a future event when I was in grade school!

 Huge masses of memories from my past followed but there were two 'threads' of memories in the opening packet because my life as it was in 1984 was laid open from two completely separate 'veins'; neither of which had anything to do with my own real life. (It was as I found out later, the  'stereotyped, commonly sensed' mindset of  "Western-Aristotlean  thought" carried forwards in time. And very little changed into what we now regard as the misogynistic- anal-retentive viewpoint, the way Norman O. Brown wrote about it in Life Against Death, the psychoanalytic view of history.) I thought the word misogynistic meant 'miserly' until I looked  for the definition when I read that book in about 1995!!)

But one vein of thought  began with Eve, and the burden of being woman. I felt the real grief of that burden. The word 'download' didn't exist in my life, in my knowledge  in 1984, but now I realize it was a download of history, as it's been recorded, described by the male. The stereotypes were part of the download and this revealed a commonly shared world, a single mind behind the male viewpoint.

Both 'veins' were unexpected and unsuspected by me but one of them made sense immediately because it was made up from strings of memories that began with something that happened the first night I was married, an angry remark my new husband had said to me: "Have you said your prayers?" (Don't form any conclusions about that, it had nothing to do with religion or any kind of violence done or intended.) He had not registered as an alien and I kept after him until he did, then immediately he had been drafted, so he was very angry at me.)

There were other events that I remembered but had not known had a hidden meaning or could be  interpreted  as 'psychologically significant' events. That's because I knew nothing about the psychological sense, its relationship to 'art' and interpretation of myths, fairy stories, even parables in the bible and ordinary daily events that could be 'interpreted'. I will give one example of such a memory: My first Christmas gift was a pair of brown sheepskin lined house slippers in a brown paper bag. I wasn't angry.  I was puzzled as I asked: "Why didn't you get pink or blue?"  He took them from me, put them into the bag and told me to take them back and get what I wanted. He did not give me any more gifts, ever.

An interpretation of that memory was part of the retrieval: It was a statement to me, a message was concealed that I hadn't recognized:  that I should wear the male shoes but not talk about it.

 I knew absolutely nothing  about the psychological method of interpretation, that seems to me now to have been my most useful attribute, my  ignorance and lack of education.

This is not the place to digress into writing as much as would be necessary to explain that 'vein of experience' in my married life, which was the standardized, stereotyped version of woman.  It was somewhat connected to the other 'vein' which  'vein' linked directly to the burden of actually being 'Eve', whose transgressions I had heard about frequently throughout my life. She had caused Adam's fall and brought sin into the world.

(Within the last 3 months I overheard a man saying to someone else I work with as I passed nearby: "Adam can never be wrong. He can be misinterpreted, misunderstood. mislead but he can never be wrong." ) That's not unusual to hear such remarks in conversations.


At the moment when I was 13 years old, my presence on the surface of the Earth was exposed to me. However difficult to understand it might be, I remember that  I lived a 'thought' less life literally until about 1980. My mind was basically empty until a change began at that point.  Mt. St. Helens blew her dusty innards near my home May 18, 8:32 a.m. I was not the person I'd been even then. My empty head gradually became a 'thought' filled mind but it didn't happen all at once. A few unusual incidents  had happened in the physical world and my inner world had changes that had already begun a few years prior to 1984. I barely noticed them, but I did notice them without curiosity at first, then curiosity began. I wondered if "I" was thinking those thoughts.

 I had begun  to experience non-stop thinking, an ongoing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year stream of content scrolled  through my mind. But I did not connect that 'streaming thought' which was about a dream I'd had late in 1981 to the 1984 event until a link was made in 1989, and only then could I realize that was the  second stage of the same 1984 event.  AND more importantly I realized my husband had experienced a similar event (sitting under the apple tree with his maker' as he said little more about that event. I saw a  continuation of the first 'mindquake', I'd had in 1984  as well as the first of two that happened in the fall of 1989. The first one in 1989 surprising me almost speechless because of where I was when it happened. In Life  Against Death by N. O. Brown  wrote that Martin Luther was  in the same location when he got his biggest revelation:  on the privy in the tower. But I was at work trying to rest a few minutes, 'on the john' when the second stage emerged. That was hilarious, and illuminating to me.

There was a big difference in that  I could relate to the first one in 1989 immediately, it had taken 5 years to reach that point, to get to that space in my own mind!!! I had not suspected there was such distance in my mind until after I'd managed to capture one word of the streaming thought, hold it in mind long enough to write it down! Then I felt a strange sense of being told I had done well, had accomplished a difficult, nearly impossible task when a few memories from my past came into my mind. They were memories of when I had done well but one of them was a scene in The Miracle Worker, the scene where Helen makes a breakthrough. She realizes that the water pouring over her hand was the same 'thing' her teacher was inscribing by drawing it on her arm were the same thing.  I was also made aware of many details that I'd noticed but not thought about or understood and they had happened  earlier than 1984. Another event happened that day that somewhat puzzled  me then, because I was still in a kindergarten level of learning that emphasized the idea that I had made a breakthrough!

 I had also not noticed that the content of the 'non-stop thinking' had veered away from being about the dream and the man in it,  to a quite different kind of content.

The unchanging aspect of the stream of thought, that it was about one man and one dream for a few years marked it, this stream was on its own track, embedded in my thought. Which until then I had not experienced in the way I had begun to experience my inner content until about 1975 when the two books came to my attention from which the sentence was formed about the secret.

 But the stream about the dream and the man in it had begun to have different content by 1986 and I had not noticed that or thought about the different content. The change had to do with books I'd begun to read about quantum physics but that was also pointed out in the first 1989 event so I had to realize it was obviously a second stage event. The content was surprising but was obviously built on what I'd been doing and thinking in the 5 years between 1984 and 1989, and even prior to that. One night in 1982 was retrieved and I remembered it  but only then realized it was significant, because it was a beginning point of a change in my mind. Some memories had been retrieved that night and some thought had occurred into my mind that  I'd not understood in 1982.

The first mindquake in 1989  made me think about what was going on in my mind in a different way. I've mentioned I was trying to rest a few minutes on the 'john'. I'd taken off one shoe to put behind my back (a hint some co-worker had given me) and closed my eyes when it happened.  In fact it began with a brilliant color image of my hand turning my lower bridge work over and over.  " Chew on it some more. Turn it over some more. Think about it some more.  Think about the whole thing. Think about the implications of the whole thing." David Bohm's book, Wholeness and the Implicate Order was primarily the first association that formed, but so much followed that thought that I would have to write a few hundred pages and even that would probably not make sense to someone else. More of my past was retrieved and I was made aware of  an evening in 1982 that I remembered but had not understood, could not have understood when it happened.

The memory of an event that had happened when I changed schools, leaving grade school and entering junior high school in a different town returned into my mind, complete also in every detail along with other images of things I'd seen on our small farm as I had looked around the room. Much happened that night that was new to me, as I'd looked around the room. "I don't think another person but me would see this. How on Earth will I ever explain this and who will believe me?" I noticed also, don't laugh, that the words 'how' and 'who' were made of the same letters. Then some kind of almost words occurred into my mind that what I was seeing was a miracle, slowed down so that I could watch it happen.  

The second stage was as much a bundle as the first one, but I'd learned to relate to my mind's contents in a different way by then and I could relate to it immediately. That's when I began to see that I had travelled space in my thought that I couldn't have imagined was there. Many memories from my past were retrieved, one of which involved a book I'd read when I was a teen ager, My First Two Thousand Years by Peter Vierck and George Eldridge. It is about a  man that lived through 2,000 years, never aging.  I was made aware that my name had been 'spoken' to me, but that awareness 'dawned' slowly. Also I felt the 'dawning sense' of an idea, i.e., that this 'thing' I was struggling to understand was thousands of years old, it was not new, except to me.  In 2000 I went back to Indiana and a class mate remembered that a George Eldridge had written the play we presented, it was titled Calm Yourself. 

This 'hill top' event was installed early in my life for use at a specific point in Time, when a change was going to happen in Time and an observer and other people were  required to actually do the things that literally were a model, to  see it begin, then to experience it personally. There were two groups of people in 1984 who were in a living situation where it was possible to see interactions between the two groups. There was a lot of 'interaction of opposites' in what we were doing, but I didn't know that was a psychological idea even in 1989 except that I'd heard my self speak the words one day when I was trying to describe something to a someone, Dr. William Levy, a Jungian therapist I'd called one day then had some therapy with. I'd said:  "Its just the interaction of opposites." I heard my self say that  impatiently. "Where did you learn that? Its not written down anywhere." was his very emotional response. I had recognized I was sharing a mindset with my husband by that point. He had confirmed some ideas I'd become aware of, concerning some symptoms I'd read on a medical chart of mine that I'd ordinarily not have seen. He had experienced them himself. And almost lost his license to practice medicine until he found the Jungians.

What we were doing was a model of a system and the content of the change was 'leaving the mainstream level and learning advanced and challenge levels'.  A witness was prepared in advance  to follow a change as it happened  and in a real sense, record what happened. Such an idea did not occur to me, I was made aware of that, I had to discover that information and recognize how the information was being given.

 When I realized finally that an enormous package of information came along with those words about thought,  almost 5 years had passed. I had experienced an almost unbelievable convergence of events in the physical world that aligned perfectly with 'thought content' in my mind.

 But this is the important fact: Some thought was distinctly in my mind before it met its exact and specific match of content anywhere, in any form in the exterior world. The idea that deja vu can be explained as the meeting of some content in the exterior world with inner content, born in the body makes sense to me.

It was so specific that I wondered how that kind of specificity could happen even one time in a life time. It happened many times before I really noticed it. Several events happened that were so precisely timed to merge with mental content that I  had to notice then wonder how that could happen even once, but it happened more than once.

When I was forced by real world circumstances to try to prove that I was not 'crazy' and that I did not imagine things, I had  begun to read books that were not typical for me to choose. Then one day something happened to make me think about a connection between what I read and my real world life: What I was actually doing  was being described to me, told back to me!  (It's The Safety Secret event on the home page. )

Then I realized the content of those books was finding a match in my thought because a few times I had noticed thought occur that later I read exactly as it had occurred in my mind,  the exact words in a book. An Imagined World by June Goodfield was the first, most amazing incident. I read the jacket blurb which was about a young woman scientist that discovered something new about cells, and the new thing she discovered had been there all the time, it wasn't hidden . There was empty space that should have had some thing in it in cells but until she began to wonder if some thing should be in that empty space, the empty space was thought to be normal! 

 The thing that I was trying to describe was strangely describing itself to me. That's a fact I could not have believed if I'd read it anywhere. I'd had a kind of thought that was not real words occur into my mind, that happened in 1982, that I was seeing a miracle, slowed down so that I could watch it happen. Part of that thought was that what I was seeing was something that had become invisible because it had become ever present. "What is ever present becomes invisible."

 And much more than that, it was creating an understanding of a new language, one that used what I'd experienced even when it was only a thought that I never told anyone about and didn't even think about myself when it would have seemed I would be curious myself. I don' t know how to explain my lack of curiosity or that it could be turned on or off. But that's another fact I had to discover. It really provided all the words to describe its self in a form I know happens already, but which is not easily noticed because it does happen already, and the pattern is very well known in psychiatric texts.

 Nothing is as invisible as what is 'ever present'.

The fact that this enormous 'change'  involved the physical world and activities of a group of people who were at that point physically doing something that could serve as a model, a living model for the advent of this change is more than enough evidence to me to believe there is intelligence other than my own behind that event. They were all part of it and that's when I became really confused about reality. How could so many people 'act' and 'talk' to me as though we were engaged in a common situation? But the situation was related to what had happened in 1984 in my mind! How could anyone, or so many people know what I had not said anything about to anyone?

I was not the only observer. There were  several people who seemed for a time to be aware of their role in a kind of 'drama', one I had not said anything about because all of this 'material' was emerging from a part of 'mind/brain' that was not connected to words I could say aloud or words I could write down at that point.

There was in addition one other person that I knew was more than a participant, he had prepared for this 1984 event. I was in  a very close bond in marriage in circumstances that were very specific in every detail,  and this person  had said what was essential for  more than three decades between 1953 and 1984 to bring about the situations I lived in in 1984. It was a real role reversal that happened.

This kind of bond is mentioned obliquely as participation mystique, and possibly the Stockholm Syndrome is related to it but not enough attention has been devoted to that kind of shared mental content. In psychiatric therapy a process of 'transference' and 'counter transference' establishes this kind of 'bond' but I didn't know that until much later and after many experiences  that caused me to believe there is something 'like' non-verbal communication between individuals. I was in therapy and found out that what I was saying was not heard or responded to because psychiatric ideas are part of Western thought.

 There was only one person  who did what was essential  in the few years before 1984 to at least seem to knowingly participate in what seemed to be a 'thought' content that I had not spoken aloud about to anyone. That was the caller in my dream.  That one person had a distinct effect on me, and there's a fairly simple way to understand what the 'unconscious mind' really is through this 'effect'.

I became aware of a 'bond' in families that almost certainly  is very commonly experienced and it was described in the bible, very accurately. . However it's  very difficult to write about even now at the beginning of 2006 when we can easily recognize that 'history' really is 'his' story.   

This 'Hill event'  simple as it may read was one of a few events that happened early in my life  that were intended to be understood later in Time. There were other memories that didn't vanish, they re-occurred and I wondered why eventually. They were also vivid photographs of an event  that 're-played' periodically in my mind. That happened so that I would notice them  and become curious about them, I believe. They were specific in content and each one was linked to an event in the future: 1984. 

I believe Emanuel Swedenborg described such events as 'remains', installed in 'states of innocence', early in life for use later in life in the process he named as 'regeneration'. I believe Peter D. Ouspensky recognized them in his life, he described them as 'reoccurring memories' in the first paragraph of the introduction of A New Model of the Universe.


I've had a few memories  re-occur into my mind after the event happened, but this day on the hill  wasn't one of them. Seemingly it vanished after that day. The memory of what had happened on the hill was retrieved in the beginning of an experience that occurred in my mind, in the 10 days between July 31 and August 11, 1984 the first words were words I'd never heard before:

(The few 're-occurring memories' were of a different kind of event. Most of them were memories of something I'd done only once when I was about 9 years old. Or something I'd seen (like the movie serial The Missing Link) or read (a sentence in a magazine about intelligence: "Intelligence is the ability to identify isolated but related facts and to form them into theories that explain the universe." I probably read this in SEVENTEEN magazine when I was 17. That sentence and the memory of where I'd read it and other details of the article  flickered into my thought until I wondered about why the words in that sentence  'happened' into my mind for no reason I could see. That was what marked the 're-occurring memories', they re-occurred for no reason I could see.  

There was a variety of  content in the re-occurring memories, some were like a complete photograph of what I was doing, what I was looking at and how I felt, what I heard, it was the entire content of a that event, complete in every detail. But a few were merely words that occurred into my thought. Two words, missing link' occurred into my thought for no reason I could see but  the memory of the plot of the movie serial about a woman scientist in a jungle was one re-occurring memory. It was about the search for the link between man and animal, the entire plot was part of  the retrieved memory. A movie serial is divided into weekly segments. The heroine was always in danger at the end of each segment, but rescued at the beginning of the next one.  Another two words  'common denominator' was the most common re-occurring memory and I always associated the words to  simple arithmetic and fractions. It occurred at times when I read something, or watched something, I noticed that eventually.

The other memories were ordinary events except that for some reason the memory didn't vanish. Each memory was  individually regenerated for no reason at times until I was in my forties. It was only then I wondered to myself about them, individually. I didn't link them together the way Petr Ouspensky mentioned in the first paragraph of A New Model of the Universe. There is a direct  connection between the past and the future, in an individual's life in a life process and a pattern that's been identified as individuation. I believe its more than an individualizing process.  There may be an explanation in organic + inorganic chemistries that we don't understand now that  it can seem  the future requires certain events to have happened in the past. 

Isaac Newton wrote that Divine providence (providence other than man's own attempts to foresee the future) was supposed to be proved when a messiah was predicted for a long time before He was born. (See his actual thoughts in the link: Some quotations to remember.)

I've had evidence in my life that there are events that happened in my past that were directly connected to a future event, in a certain year at a certain location,  and in specific situations that  created a 'model' of the advent of a great change in 1984 on this planet.  The event that happened to me in 1984 was just the beginning,  the next 5 years was part  a flow of events that made me certain they clearly had  their s origin in the past, not just mine but another person I knew intimately, aand also other people we knew at that point in time.  He'd had an event in his mind when he was in his late teens, in another country. When he was 18 or 19  years old he had an event happen that he told me was 'sitting under the apple tree with his maker'. He told me he'd been told everything he would ever need to know but as time passed, almost 3 decades scrolled through our lives, his attitude towards the event changed. By 1989, when I realized his 'event' had caused him to live a certain life after ward with me, and say certain things  to me that were actually strange in our context, had prepared me for mine in 1984, he told me it wasn't worth thinking about, it was insignificant.