C. S. Nott described in his Journey Through This World, an event that happened to him unexpectedly when he was visiting Frank Lloyd Wrights estate, Taliesen. It must have been in the 1930's or 40's.
"One hot day I was walking from the house across the fields to bathe in the Wisconsin river. About half way a strange and wonderful force began to enter into me and to permeate my whole being and filled it with light and power. I stopped and stood still and let the force flow. Although I was aware of my surroundings, the forest and fields and the hot sun, they were only a background to the inner experience; all anxieties and cares of ordinary life dropped away. At the same time I saw myself and my relations with people quite clearly; I saw the pattern of my life, my organism moving as it were along its appointed path. There was time no longer and an understanding of the whole of life seemed possible for me. It was as if for a few moments I had entered into my real life; and the outer life, which had seemed so important and took up all my time, was not the real life but something ephemeral, a sort of cinema film with which I was identified. Only the inner something was eternal—I, the real self of me. I AM.
If I were to write a book I could not convey the reality of this experience; only those who have had it can understand. The writings of the real mystics,--Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu—all are full of records of those who have experienced this ecstasy in various forms. It was the state of which the Sufis say: The spirit at once comprehends the universe and dwells in the heart of man." It was an appearance of His Endlessness to the suffering souls on the planet Purgatory, the coming of the Son of Man.
Little by little the vision passed but the effects remained and I thought of the words of Jesus Christ: "Again I say to you: "Watch.", for you know not when the Son of Man will come."
I've never experienced that sense of ecstasy in 1984 but I believe the experience I had came from the same source.
I didn't read that book until sometime in the 1990's when I needed validation that my mind was capable of producing content of its own, and my body had become an object that I was watching and listening to. I was audience and actor in my own life by then.
In 1984 an event had happened in my mind that was similar in some ways to what C. S. Nott conveyed in these words: "At the same time I saw myself and my relations with people quite clearly; I saw the pattern of my life," His description was as close to validation as I've found anywhere of the flood of memories from my past that 'told' me instantly so much information that I'd not suspected that as he wrote, I could write for years and not convey enough information to someone else. What I saw was methodically arranged and displayed as a story about my life but it was actual memories of events that had happened. I could see each event separately yet there were many 'strings' of memories. The entire first part of that event was memories from my past, some were recent but overall they were quite specific and I remembered the bundle somehow.
This was information about my life given to me, transmitted to me in a movie like form in a flash of a moment. I know that it was not generated by my will, my intents or for purposes I knew about or could understand at that point.
The beginning content was of a memory of something that happened when I was 13 years old, but there was also another point: a memory of something my husband had said the first night we were married. That memory was followed by a strings of memories of events that had happened in our actual real world life that instantly conveyed a hidden meaning. It was a psychological interpretation that I had never suspected because I knew nothing about psychiatry or psychology. This second level conveyed immediately the way a movie does a version, a story of our life. Immediately I felt a terrible sense of outrage because it was not about me. Nothing was about my real life or me; this was the storied versions. One level as I had to discover later was Eve., as a point of origin. The other level which also had to be discovered was the stereotypes of woman, the described woman, the commonly sensed woman as she has been written about by males. It was years later that I understood a kind of 'download' of his story (history) had occurred. The word 'download' did not exist in my mind in 1984. I felt the grief of being Eve afterwards, the burden of being Eve was installed in my body as a terribly painful grief.
This was an enormous package of information although it came as a seamless bundle that had to be unpacked, bit of information by bit of information later. I could not have suspected that in 1984. It's visibility to me when it happened did not make it accessible to me immediately, but I saw it where/when it happened. The distance between where the content emerged into my mind and a point when I could relate to it was an invisible stretch of terrain until I had begun to make contact with it! That was a few years after 1984, I had begun to understand there was purpose at work in my own mind by 1987! This seems an absurd thing, that a package of content that was not normal (for me) revealed to me information about my life could occur. It was a kind of 'thought', but there was no imagery with it, it was mostly retrieved memories and that content could not be written down, or understood, or spoken aloud until it had met it's exact match in some form in the exterior world. When some content 'met its match' somewhere in the world outside my body, I felt 'strange', sometimes shocked, but always some difference marked the meeting of inner content with outer world content.
I believe the symptom of 'thought broadcasting' and deja vu are psychiatric names for the synchronizations that 'mark' that convergence. I remember making a kind of silly reference to it quite often as 'The darnedest thing you ever saw." Nobody ever asked me what I meant.
There was a situation in my real life, it was not just my marital situation that I did not suspect had the potential to bring about a connection to a hidden world, one that is not physically 'manifest' at all. My husband and I belonged to two square dance clubs that were actually trying to leave the mainstream level, they were introducing advanced and challenge levels which required removing all gender roles. The mainstream dancers and most callers we knew that had been our friends were different towards us. I began to feel discrimination for the first time in my life. Not that it had not happened before, I just had gotten used to it which had made it invisible to me.
I entered a new world gradually after 1980 and by 1984 that new world had begun to speak to me, in a most unexpected form of language. It's a world others have become aware of, but my first encounter with it was new to me. At first it was just a glimpse of something new and strange, I noticed it first when a thought entered my mind one night in 1982: "How on Earth will I ever explain this? Who on Earth will ever believe me? It's like a miracle, slowed down so that I can watch it as it happens." This thought occurred in 1982 one night, but in that event I experienced in my mind/thought a kind of inner content that was new to me.
As I looked around the room, noticing the many grey headed people, and the head movements of a woman that brought to mind an image of how our hens moved their heads, a thought occurred: "I am in a room full of teenagers."
There was also retrieved a memory of the first day I went to a new school in a new town when I was 13, entering Junior High School there because our house had burned down. I was lonely, angry and brooding when one of my new classmates came over to talk to me, asking me questions that made me feel less alone.
The moment was replayed exactly as it had happened, complete in every detail as it had actually been lived.
Embedded in the 1982 moment was a much larger content. There was a flash of a memory that I'd not thought about after the event happened, it was vividly retrieved and displayed, no space between any part of it: My grandmother had unraveled a large ruffled rose colored doily she'd crocheted with her arthritic fingers. She had tossed the tangled mass onto my tummy one day and told me that since I wasn't doing anything I might as well busy myself. She told me: "Without breaking the twine or cutting it find one of the ends and wind it into a nice round ball then I can make something I like better out of it."
I remember that I did exactly as she asked me to do, but I don't remember how long it took. The memory of her tossing that tangled mass of rose colored twine onto my tummy was somehow given a different meaning, it was attached to words that I'd not read anywhere yet which I didn't recognize for several years. The 'mass of rose colored twine' had somehow been re-structured into an 'idea', that was 'tossed to me', it was 'in my tummy' as it had been 'on my tummy. I was 'told' to repeat what I'd done in the past, but now it was a 'line of thought' that I was to unravel, not a tangle of rose colored twine. The one end of it was in my hand with words attached to it, they were very specific words. I recognized them a few years later when I read them and was some how 'reminded' of the event in 1982 because a shadow memory of that night re-occurred when I read those words. The main content of the new memory was retrieved when I read them for the first time in Paul Davies book, Other Worlds: They were: "The importance of an observer." I felt 'funny' when I read them.
"The importance of an observer' was the beginning of an idea that I had already noticed somewhat because I'd seen how it was created by my own mind from two books I'd read earlier in life.
Reading the words in that chapter of Other Worlds by Paul Davies brought back that part of the 1982 event, although I didn't understand much about it then as a kind of conversation being built up, bit by bit of information. There was much that I had not 'inferred' that night because making that kind of association was impossible even absurd.
This event had happened in a place that had no connection to my family, or any significant person in my life, that's an important detail It had happened while I waited for my favorite square dance caller to begin the evening's lessons. He was the live square dance caller in the dream that initiated the stream of 'non-stop thinking' afterwards. He was the man that I first experienced in a new way, I'd begun to hear him say things in his off hand banter that seemed to answer questions I'd not said aloud to anyone. By 1984 this form of 'hearing' had changed but I'd not noticed the re-direction of my attention from him to a completely different content in the dream's 'line of thought' that was no longer about the dream, it was content that related to books I'd read and was reading about quantum physics.
Many situations happened that made it obvious no physical world cause was creating the events that made me feel strange, off balance at times, literally. The change was all in my own mind and body.
The people in the room were devoted to an extreme to this controversial caller so it was a kind of 'family group' to me by then, because we'd spent as much time with him and his wife and others in the room that night, as some people do in cult churches. The caller was the man in my dream but I made no connection to that and the changes in my mind. I believed I'd had a head injury. I was anguished privately, very privately because it seemed to me he and his wife believed I had a crush on him when I really felt in my body a sense of grief, of great tragedy about them. I could not explain that to myself, certainly not to either of them, it was literally unspeakable. I felt a painful body condition. I felt 'stifled', literally to a degree I cannot begin to explain because what I wanted to say was in every way literally 'unspeakable'. I had the sense of seeing something tragic in their relationship, but had no way to explain it because in 1982 I knew nothing about psychiatric ideas or terms or what they try to describe.
That event which I didn't realize was my first 'mindquake' was basically forgotten until 1989 when I had 2 mindquakes a few months apart. The first one reminded me of this night in 1982 and by then I understood the language I'd learned and observed methods of creating 'speech' from my depths, the 'unconscious mind'.
The memory of myself entering a new school when I was 13 was retrieved and re-used to inform me that I was entering a new school that night. It was the best memory, the best example available in my past to 'tell me what was happening that night' and that a 'friend' had come to make me feel that I wasn't alone. The grey haired people in the room, were in another sense, really teen agers.
That bundle of thought content and retrieved memories was not a self generated content, it was in the most literal way, experienced as ordinary thought at the time, but later I realized I had received it, not generated it myself. It was in a deep level of mind. That and other content was obviously 'given' to me, inserted distinctly into my mind from a level of mind where the contents are visible without the degree of attention and interest I'd learned by 1989 but also the content was not connected to a location in my 'understanding' where I had enough knowledge and the exact words that would make the content such that I could relate to it.
If this seems incomprehensible, consider how easily a good reader can read the words in George Gamow's One, Two, Three, Infinity (which I had done when I was in my mid twenties) without understanding one idea the words attempted to describe. Later it became obvious that a kind of 'barrier' (it manifested as 'lack of interest') had prevented me from knowing much that I could have known if I'd been born in a different family, knowing people who were educated and socially inclined. I had lived a basically isolated life and had not 'met', because I was not interested in it, much that I could have known about history, all of it. I heard Karl Menningers' name often but didn't read any of his books until I was in my late fifties!
The situation in the real world of several people I knew in 1984 and the years just prior to it and afterwards was such that I became aware during the next 5 years (1984-1989) that this particular situation in our lives was the only place where this event could have happened, with any hope that it would be understood eventually by at least one participant. I believe the 1984 event was perfectly timed and unrepeatable. I had begun to hear and see differently occasionally. My mind was different and my attention was held on a stream of thought about the dream in 1982 and after 1984 everything was different in my body and outside my body.
The very strange feelings I began to experience cannot be described when it seemed that my unspoken thought was being 'related to' by this one man in the dream, about whom I had begun to feel a terrible grief that I couldn't explain or talk about even to myself. I heard so many people remark that he was a wonderful caller but that he had no personality, that one day I began to wonder where his personality was. As I walked around the room one night, every group of people as I passed them seemed to be talking about that. When my unspoken thought seemed to be addressed, questions I'd not asked aloud began to be answered by off hand remarks made by this caller, I felt the world floor seem to turn to Jello. "One night he'd looked around the room and said to the group: "You've got to get this right the first time." then he looked at me and I felt a real shock. Then he said to the group: "What you get used to gets to be normal." and somehow that seemed to relate to the incongruity I'd begun to notice in certain things his wife had said to me and what I saw in him. He was introducing a new complicated square dance movement and as he said later: "Nobody goes back to unlearn something they learned wrong in the first place. Those two remarks were retrieved and used in the visible part, the first part of the 1984 mindquake, each in a different way with different meaning and a new context. It began with those words that occurred while I was trying to make a perfect circle skirt on a one way plaid that was a warm brown color, a remnant of fabric that I'd noticed when I walked through a fabric shop. .
What happened in 1984 and afterwards required that at some point I realize that the beginning of my experiences was not in my home, which I did believe after 1984. The 1989 'mindquake' made it quite distinct to me that the source of my experiences was coming 'through' people whose actions and words 'seemed' to fit into a drama that unfolded in my thought. They often told me something, a 'bit of information' that surprised me and made me feel so strange because the effect was that our thoughts were the same. I almost felt like fainting until about 1987 when I began to be somewhat more aware and comfortable and I was very curious about what this 'thing' was that we all seemed to be united in while the new advanced and challenge levels of square dancing were being introduced. All gender roles are removed at higher levels and the mainstream dancers were outraged.
But not one person remembered one word or action in the way I did, when I attempted to verify that I'd heard what I thought I'd heard.
It's never stopped although the form of my thought has certainly altered, several times at points that are about 7- 9 years in duration, such that it seems to be a single continuum with a point of reversal and changes from 'forward to backwards', 'up' to 'down' such as I had noticed on a moebius band with a half turn. The 'moving point' along that continuum would be, as best I can explain it, the new eye/ear within me, that I had begun to observe as it created it's 'input' in my mind in the 9 years prior to 1984. It had produced a thought and I'd observed how it was done.
It's 2007 at this moment and only last year I realized the most important years were 1975 to 1984, because quite gradually this new 'eye/ear' had begun to make its self distinct. It sorted out an idea that was embedded in two books during that point in Time, and produced a 'mind generated thought' that I noticed as it happened and I knew I had watched at work, with business of its own.
The idea had to do with the 'line of thought' that was headed by 'the importance of an observer and a secret.
The parable of the good seed seems to me to be about that form, a continuum that has points of change, points of reversals, changes of direction that one can find are symbolized on a moebius band with a single twist in it. I noticed a stream of thought. that was opposite to normal for me, and that stream was 'colored' with characteristics I'd heard in my mother in law. There are families that are 'bonded' together for reasons that are not negative or harmful usually, because of circumstances that nobody can control or predict, its not body's fault, no body is to blame when the real reality is working in Time. The 'interaction of opposites' in my particular situation was with real people as well as a particularly unique relationship to a few memories from my past, that had re-occurred throughout my life for no reason I could see. One memory was of when I made my first moebius band when I was 9 years old as the result of an impulse, not instruction from a real person or anything I'd read anywhere. The impulse is difficult to isolate but it does make its presence obvious when it has some reason direct my attention.
The flow of events and experiences after 1984 was recognized when I became familiar and comfortable with the peculiar 'doubleness' of hearing two levels of meaning and context as the manifestations of a pattern operating in Time itself. A pattern and a process, moving through the lives of people who may or may not be affected by it. The very great specificity of the situations in my life as well as other people who seemingly participated with some degree of awareness is such that it's almost impossible to describe what a strange world it was to me in 1984 and especially after 1985 when I went to work for Boeing. I heard my breath, every breathe and had a terrible time because many habits had reversed and changed in some way. I was somehow seeing the world through new eyes, hearing with new ears and my handedness was changed from right to left and I could write backwards with my left hand, mirror image. Neurological tests were done and I was surprised to find out that quite often 'right' looked to me to be 'left' and that explained why I was getting lost and having a hard time going to places that were familiar to me.
A pattern hidden in life was conveyed in a flash of time, the memories used the form of a movie that instantly told a story, revealing the 'theme' which I had not suspected until it was laid bare a bit at a time. But that version of the story changed in the next 5 years. It was a world view that was new to me but its almost a universal viewpoint among people on this planet at this time, a particularly male viewpoint and I am not male bashing.
History itself was that viewpoint I experienced as 'Eve' with it's focus on religion and an idea of women that prevailed in the viewpoint. Within 5 years after 1984 it became obvious this was a generalized pattern and not related to my actual real world experiences. A kind of double fault line was revealed in this 1984 event, but one pattern governed both 'fault lines'. The pattern was of a woman beginning with Eve on one 'track' and with a generalized woman, a kind of 'idea of women' that governed the expectations and activities of people who don't know, who don't suspect that they are ruled by a pattern and 'commonly sensed ideas' from ancient times.
There had been a change in my body, in my mind and everything I saw and how I heard. A change had already focused (or re-focused) my attention onto what was going on in my head. That it was a new location, where activities that were visible occurred, did not register then, it was years before I understood that the 'inscape' had been opened up gradually in the 9 years prior to 1984, and by 1982 events in my real world life had begun to cause me to feel literally 'unbalanced' for no reason I could see.
I had experienced brief periods in the past of not being able to sleep because 'thinking' or 'worry about something in my life' prevented me from falling into deep sleep. After 1982 I did not sleep normally without medication for years because a new 'stream of non-stop thinking' had begun. It was not un-like what I'd experienced in those periods when I'd been 'worried' about something in my life, except this didn't stop after a few weeks it seemed to me I never slept. I heard noises all night and was aware of the thought streaming through my mind when the movie Sleepless in Seattle came to Seattle.
The 'non-stop thinking' was about one man, only one man and the dream had been unlike any dream I've ever had generated in my mind. The Dream The ongoing stream of thought began and continued as what I could only describe to myself at that point in Time as 'non-stop thinking. . Thought about that dream, that one person was in the dream and it never stopped but new content began to seep into it, after a couple of years at Boeing. What I was doing at Boeing often produced an event puzzled me briefly, because it blended into the hidden stream of thought, faintly in away I couldn't really pinpoint.
Parallel to being concerned about being sleepless, I was puzzled and curious about the stream of thought that moved day and night through my mind. I could not understand how a short dream could generate so much thought. Once it began it moved through my mind 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. I had the feeling that I never lost consciousness in sleep until I took a medication that gave me some rest at night. That 'non-stop band of thought' with it's very specific content had been scrolling through my mind for about 2 years prior to the arrival of 1984. Thus my attention had been focused on that 'never ending stream of content', and I had not only begun to 'watch' and 'listen' to the limited content, I was astonished and extremely curious about why it was always about the one person in the dream. I could not see how so much thought content about one dream could be created. I didn't have the feeling I was creating it.
At a point that I didn't recognize until it was pointed out to me, the content of that stream of thought began to change, veering away into new territory, unrelated to where it had begun. I began to read books about quantum level physics in about 1986-7 and by 1988 had begun to feel a 'drive', it was a real drive, to try to capture one word of that non stop band of thought , hold it in my mind long enough to write it down. Trying to 'catch' a word of thought, hold it in memory long enough to write it down would seem to be a simple thing, but it was not.
I was trying to talk but what I said was not words I wanted and even needed to say. What I heard my self say and what I saw myself do during the years after 1984 were not willed by me, and I felt an anguish I cannot describe when I saw that my loss of volition in what I did, seemed to validate someone else's viewpoint of me, perfectly. The 'bonds of matrimony' went deeper than I would have suspected, although Emanuel Swedenborg's book, Conjugal Love convey his idea that in true marriage, two people do indeed live as one person. The square dance caller and his wife were living as one person, she had told me that's how they wanted to live one day as we sat chatting.
When I realized that the 'racing thought' actually moved on it's own band and that it emerged in a very deep level of mind, unconnected to articulatable words, more than 15 event filled years after 1984 had flowed through Time. and changes at Boeing were part of my inner content, in a seamless correspondence. A new airplane was coming, it was the 737X and it was the first 737 that had a vowel in its name, YA 001.
It was in 1996 that I happened to read Norman O. Brown's book, Life Against Death in which he wrote: "As we saw in the last chapter, the repressed unconscious can become conscious only by being transformed into an external perception, by being projected. According to Freud, the mythological conception of the universe which survives even in the most modern religions is only psychology projected onto the outer world. Not just mythology but the entirety of culture is a projection. In the words of Sender: The world which we create, the world of slums and telegrams and newpapers is a kind of language of our inner wishes and thoughts."
I believe it is more accurate to believe that we are able to 'understand' the world outside our body in this form of language than to believe we 'create' the world of slums, etc. by our beliefs.
That book initiated a new phase, a reocurrence, a replay of a pattern that had become familiar to me by then, it emerged, much to my surprise but with different content as the location switched to where I worked from the square dance circumstances. One remarkable 'coincidence' happened when I read two chapters about the 'excremental vision'. The book provided me with an example of a 'mindquake' that Martin Luther had, while he was on the privy in the tower, among other information about 'anality' that I had not known. A chapter titled, The Excremental Vision and a psychological interpretation of Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's Travels, revealing the 'inner sense' , much in the style of Emanuel Swedenborg's interpretation of the 'inner sense' which is hidden in stories in the Bible. An other level of meaning was in the book, which as a child I had not suspected was in the authors adult mind. That was quite a surprise to me, who had not suspected all that was hidden in the book when I read it when I was a young girl.
The 'yahoos' and their 'filth' were just characters in a fanciful story. Another surprising coincidence happened because at that time a new HBO version of Gullivers' Travels with Ted Danson began to be advertised. I didn't watch it then, but somehow the advertising flowed into the fact that a new airplane model was approaching Final Assembly, a new generation 737X. We received paperwork for the new plane and I was surprised to see something new added to the planes number: it was YA001. The vowel was new, in the past the 737 had only consonants in its nameber.
The first time I read YA001, (y a zero zero one) I read it as 'YAHOO 1' (there were several influences at work, relating to reading 'yahoo one' in YA 001) but that's what it was known as when it left the building. During the day we had to say or 'think' the number of an airplane often and it's much easier to say YAHOO 1 than to say Y AY Zero Zero one. By the time the airplane left the building, it was YAHOO 1 to almost everyone. And the term 'anal retentive' had begun to be used in the building where I worked, Final Assembly.
It was and is a wonderful plane. The 'coincidences' that I began to experience after 1996 were related to a business change that had been initiated by the company; there was a change of focus from earning money by building a product to earning money by causing increases in the price of stock, and incubating new companies then going public. The change of focus was acted out by releasing news of getting lean, and the news did cause the price of stock to rise very nicely. There were other changes 'downsizing' and new models of doing business were introduced in motivational seminars. Then the dot.com crash happened. Eventually I noticed our company was doing the same thing other corporations were doing so globalization took over, 'outsourcing' and concentrating on the 'core competency' of the company, whatever it happened to be, became a global activity. This is a simplistic statement of a very complex situation,
I had noticed or it was brought to my attention that an other kind of thought, that was quite different than the 'non-stop thinking' after the dream's stream began. I was puzzled by it because it was thought that contained 'plural pronouns', we, us, and 'you' as though my thought was speaking to me the way a person would. "You ought to; We could, You should, Let us.." I was also very, very curious about whether I 'thought' it, and not being able to grasp that "I" initiated it, wondered also where it came from.
This particular 'new thought' altered as time passed, changing into a peculiar archaic form that included 'hath, thou, thee' terms that retained the quality of seeming to be in the form of another person addressing me.
In retrospect I realize that I was already 'looking' at this non-top stream of thought but I was definitely unawares then of the very great distance between it's content and being able to speak it aloud. It would not have occurred to me that 'thought content' that was so distinct to me, so 'visible' to me, could be unspeakable, literally for years before even one word of it could be 'captured', that is, held in my mind long enough to write it down.
The event that happened in 1984 took more than a year for me to be able to begin, just begin to 'relate' to it!. Then almost 5 years to be able to understand what it meant, and that was possible only because a second stage event happened in 1989. I could relate to it immediately for reasons I could not have understood in1984 so I had learned a lot that I had not known in 1984, by the point in Time when the second stage events occurred. There were two that happened fairly close together in 1989. Both of these events linked back in my life, indicating that a preparation for 1984 had been going on when I had my first memory on Earth. There were really two 'events' in 1989, but the first one caused me to realize that the two years prior to 1984 had been a kind of preparation for what was going to happen after 1984.
There had been an 'initiatory event' in 1982, that had important details in it that prevented me from making an error about the real origin of these 'mindquake'. I believed that someone in my real life had tricked me, but it became distinct in the first 1989 event that the 'trickster' itself had been at work, working through people, through events in the lives of many people I knew then, and that the people knew nothing of this 'behind the scenes' manipulator. Being basically transparent its self by 1982, two books I 'd read when I was much younger had caused me to notice something my mind accomplished of it's own.
The setting was unique: two groups of people had a cult-like devotion to learning advanced and challenge levels of square dancing,. This 'observer within' which now had given me evidence that it has always been inherently aware of what was in front of me at any and all moments in my life is quite distinct to me. It 'selected' out certain 'scenes' for a time, a span of about 9 years overall, from 1975 to 1984. Afterwards, ''it' overlaid every scene, every moment but I had a distinct memory of 5 decades without that 'presence'! I could remember when it was possible to look up a word in the dictionary and find one definition that made sense to me. This was impossible by about 1987 or thereabouts, everything was connected to every other thing that I knew and I could not isolate one detail or or only one fact from any other detail or fact!
It would have been impossible to understand the real source of this 'material' that I was experiencing in my mind, because there had always been a distinct relationship to what was in front of me, but what was visible in my mind was 'selected events'! I had a different inner content after the dream. I had not suspected this was also true of the night I looked around a room, and without warning a thought emerged: "This is impossible. How on Earth will I ever explain this? And who on Earth will ever believe me?, Then an impression of words, that I was seeing a miracle occurred to me in a different form than 'thought', which I can't explain without using words, but that was followed by more of the same 'impression of words', that I was seeing a miracle slowed down in Time, so that I could watch it.
I have a letter from Wilson van Dusen in reply to a 21 page letter I wrote to him in 1992, in which he validated my hunches about 'thought that is not quite words' and my hunch that meaningful coincidences are what Swedenborg described in several different terms, 'double thought' was the most significant to me but the 'inner sense' and the 'literal sense' as he used the terms was used only in relation to stories in the Bible. I had become informed that the 'inner sense' of many kinds of fictions, fable, myths, idylls, Aesops Fables, even our most popular fictions in recent years is the same use of 'art' that was used in parables and other 'illustrations' that are mentioned in the bible. It was only after 1989 when I had 2 mindquakes in the fall, that I knew I wasn't creating delusional associations myself.
The second one, which I named my 'pi' quake gave me trust worthy (but somewhat mundane) proof that I was not imagining, nor was I delusional about the meanings of events that somehow emerged in my mind over the span of time after 1984 and onwards.By the time this happened, I had become focused by the dream onto that never ending thought about the dream.
Quite gradually, without my noticing it, the content of that band of thought began to change at some point after 1984, probably about 1986-1987 when I began to read books that introduced new ideas into my mind. I had noticed a loss of volition over my body, but not REALLY noticed it. That began with noticing books that were not typical for me to read, and buying them, then somehow I felt driven, compelled to read them even when they were not interesting or when I didn't understand what I was reading.
I'd read almost voraciously all my life, so it doesn't seem unlikely that the 'force of such a habit' remained in place but the content of it was reversed into it's opposite. My husband rarely read a fictional book, that explains a lot perhaps but I'm not certain. My head felt as though it would burst at times, I couldn't remember anything I'd read at the end of a sentence, certainly not at the end of a page, or the end of the book but somehow I was 'driven' to read books that I did not choose to read. I noticed very spare use of material I'd read in producing new thoughts so gradually I realized there wasn't a real black hole in my mind. .
I had never been interested in non-fiction, I read only fictions. Now it was virtually impossible to choose to read a fiction book, and at first they were books that made almost no impression on me as I read them. I felt an unusual need to read even when I didn't understand what I was reading, beginning with a book my psychiatrist had in his office. When I asked about it he offered it to me to read, so I began with William Glasser's Reality Therapy, then his "Mental Health or Mental Illness". I found one book that 'edged' over onto completely new territory as I read it, Joseph Chilton Pearce's book, The Bond Of Power.
I did not notice exactly when new content that had nothing to do with the dream or the man in it seeped into that band of thought, but I did notice the ideas in that book seemed to make sense. He wrote about the 'insight realm' and 'postulates arrived full blown in the mind', about how a new discovery in science always points towards something missing and then that which was hypothesized somehow is found later. He also mentioned frequently Arthur C. Clarke's Childhood's End; William Blake; autism; folie aux duex; and all those ideas were very, very significant to me.
Especially Childhoods End, autism, and folie aux duex. They were facts about my life at the time. That fact was made obvious in the first 1989 event. It happened in a location I believed I could never tell anyone, the same location where Martin Luther was when he got his revelation. He was literally 'on the john' (the privy in the tower) and I was trying to rest there myself when the first 1989 mindquake happened. The content of it was so linked to many situations in my life that I cannot condense them briefly,
The new content was added gradually to the 'band of thought' about the dream but was only after 1989 that I realized this 'band of thought' had been marked off, as though by a highlighter, by it's limited content, before 1984.
I had believed that the event in 1984 was the first of it's kind but when the first 1989 event happened it revealed a smaller event that had happened in 1982, as well as many details that I remembered but had not understood as to their implications.
I had believed the situations between my husband and I were the source of the very confusing flow of events, but in 1989 I was informed of much that I had not noticed or connected to the 1984 event: the 'strangeness' had begun outside of my home, outside of my marital situation when I became fascinated (for no reason I could understand) with the man in the dream. I had become curious about something unusual in his marital situation and by 1984 I'd had several very precisely timed events in which this couple figured predominately, that I did not think of as 'coincidences', that word did not occur to me then, or even later.
After 1989 I realized it was a continuous event that had been well under way by 1984, and that the source of this flow of events was not in my home, or even in my private life, it came from what I could not name even then as the 'cosmos' itself, some part of life that had a long history before it entered my life. Although it was connected to my marital situation and my real private life in a way I had not suspected, it, that the source of the 'new kinds of events' was a constant feature in Time itself. Moving 'like' a signal through Time as we live it.
That 1989 experience which I can describe somewhat, but not briefly, happened when I had sudden unexpected mental imagery occur while I tried to rest for a few minutes, in, of all places a toilet cubicle at work. That imagery which had masses of thought and information about the 1984 event, caused me to understand that the source of the experiences in my life had begun in my real life, but that was only an apparent source. After 5 years of almost overwhelming experiences after 1984, I had learned to relate to what was in front of me in a different way. And what was in my thought at that period of years was distinctly related to what was in front of me.
That had been a difficult discovery to make, and it had happened only after I grasped this unexpected relationship in a few very specific situations where my thought on that band of non-stop thinking matched up precisely with what was in front of me. This is not as simple as it reads, there was a kind of 'effect' to thought, generated by what I was doing, that caused it, (thought that was generated by what I was doing) which bundled it, made a kind of unit without any space between the words, such that it was 're-heard', with a new quite distinct aspect of being 'said to me', as a person would speak to me.
In those few events, which I can describe, I 'met' words as well as situations that were already in some way relevant to thought in my mind, was very, very specific in content in my mind that I had never spoken aloud to anyone. This strange sense of 'referring' to what I had never said anything about aloud to anyone made me feel very unbalanced, literally, not symbolically. My head swam, my body felt uncomfortable, and the floor was somehow turned to Jello.
I felt a very strong 'urge' to try to be 'normal' in those situations, but it was difficult. I was curious to a degree I had never experienced in my past about what was causing this new kind of perception, because a change had occurred that changed everything I saw and heard and felt, subtly, but not materially at all. I tried to focus on what was changed and eventually by about 1987 began to realize the change was all inside, but it affected everything 'outside' of my body.
There were times when objects that use words such as radio, television startled me by coming to my attention when I was doing something else but there were many situations in which other people seemed to be participating in what I was thinking, (The incidents in the links: Safety Secrets; On the Tank Line, Theodore Reik/Jim Unger happened in 1987. It was the On The Tank Line event that made me certain of what was causing the sense of doubleness of thought that I had begun to notice, but could not seem to 'catch'.)
When I recognized this relationship, it seemed impossible that it could happen even once, but it happened several times. The first time it happened that I read exact words in a book that had already been 'thought' in my mind for some time was when I read the jacket of a book, An Imagined World by June Goodfield. Then I felt only a sense of 'strangeness' when I experienced reading words that had begun to take on form in my mind, wafting from barely sensed as words, into real words of thought, over a period of time that I can't be very exact about. It was more than a week or two, I'm certain of that.
A second event occurred when I read a strange (to me) book titled Theory Of Eternal Life by Rodney Collin and recognized again exact words, that were so unique and so specific that to the degree I was aware then, I felt it could not possibly happen to read them anywhere on Earth. Not even once. Yet there they were. "...you have inadvertently guessed a very great secret...". I'd had the 'sense of those words' in my mind before I read them.
C. S. Nott does not mention in the book whether he could relate immediately to the event or whether a span of time passed, as was true in my situation, before he realized this event had happened. Several months, almost a year passed after the 10 days during which I experienced this packet in 1984 before I heard myself remark aloud as I walked to my car one day after work: "It was a message. I got a message."
I had finished reading Contact by Carl Sagan a few weeks prior to that. The book is about a message that was a palimpsest and I'd never heard of a palimpsest. The beginning image conveyed that television signals had been picked up and sent back, but that image had several levels, each of which had to be decoded before the next level was exposed. This is a particular kind of coincidence, one that described what was happening at the time I read it, but could not have been evident when the event happened. The distance between thought producing levels and speech is difficult to describe but I wrote the message down several months after July 1984 and wasn't even curious about what I'd typed!
I have come to believe that a female would experience a quite different content than a male would experience, because males have a different history. In fact, history, is HIS story. My experience was filled with so much content, and it was such specific content, memories taken from my past, one in particular, but myriads of real incidents in my life were 'backup' information about that one particular incident.
That event had happened when I was 13 years old. I was actually made aware of my presence in vast space on a small ball moving on a double track, in it then. In 2001 I went back to Indiana for the 50th anniversary of the class of 1950 and had another experience that convinced me I can trust my own interpretations and experiences, but there is a real war in our minds between the past and real reality.